Alice and I are sitting on a tree stump in her back yard. She's smoking like a half a pack of cigarettes while I watch the smoke disappear into the cold, wet air.

"Why do you guys do that?" I ask. "I'm not judging…just wondering."

"What? Smoke?" she says, blowing a cloud of smoke directly at me. "I don't know. I like it, I guess. I like the way it makes me buzz all over."

"You get like high or something?"

"Not the way you're thinking," she laughs. "It's stimulating and soothing at the same time."

"You sound like an advertisement," I tell her. "Why do yours smell different than Edward's? They're sweeter or something."

"Mine are cloves," she says. "Wanna try?"

"No." I shake my head. "Well…I don't know…maybe?"

She shakes one out of the small red pack and hands it to me. I hold it in my hand awkwardly until Alice shows me how to hold like a "normal person." After she lights it, I hold it between my index and middle finger and ask, "How do I smoke it?"

"Suck and breathe," she says, showing me. "And then blow."

It looks almost easy watching her do it. And I know I've totally got this. So, I suck. It's the breathing part that I have trouble with. And I definitely don't get to blow because my lungs are burning and have exploded and I'm coughing like I'm dying.

Seriously, I'm coughing so hard that I can't even feel the hand that's currently pounding me on the back.

Wait.

Someone's hand is pounding me on the back. And it's not Alice because she is still looking at me with her giant Precious Moments eyes that are larger than usual right now.

"Fuck, Alice," Edward's voice hisses behind me. "You let her smoke?"

His hand starts rubbing me firmly, which is much nicer than the pounding. I can breathe now. And now that oxygen is getting to my brain, I realize that Edward is here.

What the hell is Edward doing here?

"Give me that," he says, taking the cigarette from my hand and throwing it onto the lawn. "Are you okay?"

"What are you doing here?"

"What? Are you not happy to see me?"

He grins.

"No." I blush, turning to look at Alice before bringing my eyes back to his. "I'm…always happy to see you. But I didn't know you were coming."

"You're welcome," Alice says, standing up. "I'll be gone for a while. I think there's a tent or some rope or some Timberland boots I need from Newton's." She winks. "Don't worry Bella. Mom is with Edward's dad tonight. You guys have the place to yourself till I get back. I'll be back later."

And with that, she walks around to the front of the house and disappears. A few seconds later we hear her car start.

"Hi," Edward murmurs.

"Hi."

"Are you sure you're okay?"

I nod. And just like that, his hand reaches under my hair and touches my neck. He rubs it softly, and even though it's warm, it still makes me shiver.

And then he kisses me.

This kiss is a lot like the kisses from earlier on my couch, but this time, there's no underlying apology. This time, it's all about him just being close to me. You know, with his hands and his lips. And now, there's always tongue. And it's soft and slow…and seriously, how is kissing him always, always this perfect?

"Wow," I breathe.

I can feel him smile against my lips.

I smile right back.

"That's never a bad thing to hear your girlfriend say after you kiss her."

He kisses me quickly three more times, and then he pulls back to look at me. I wonder if I look as fuzzy as I feel. I'll never grow tired of hearing him call me his girlfriend.

He sits down on the stump and pulls me in his lap. I don't really know what to make of all this physical affection. I mean I know that I like it. And I know that I never want him to stop.

But then he looks at me. It's all serious and deep, and I wonder what he's thinking. But the truth is – I know. It's written all over his face. I don't have to wonder. And I realize – possibly not for the first time – that Edward feels exactly how I feel. He doesn't have to say it, and more importantly, I don't have to ask.

"I love…that," I whisper.

I catch myself – I almost choke on the words.

I was almost going to tell him that I loved him.

Seriously.

Without a single thought about it.

He regards me; his eyes search my face.

"What?" he says. "What do you love?"

I blush.

Madly.

"When you call me your girlfriend."

He wraps his arms around me. "Well, you are."

I nod my head and lay it on his shoulder.

"I can't believe we have more time alone."

"This must be our lucky day."

We sit there like that for a long while. We don't really say much of anything, but the silence between us is so comfortable now. It's starting to get grow darker when Edward asks me, "What are you planning to do next year?"

"I dunno," I say. "I guess I'll go to college. I mean, I have to go to college."

He's quiet for a while.

"Do you know what you want to do?" he asks. "I mean…at school? What you want to study?"

"I haven't really thought about it much, you know. I've mostly just been focused on getting out of Forks. I guess I can decide later, though."

"So…getting out of Forks is important to you."

He doesn't ask it like a question, but I feel the need to give him an answer.

"Yeah…it is," I tell him quietly. "I don't know…you know, everything about your situation with your dad, but as you can probably tell, my situation's not all that great. Don't get me wrong, I love my family. Emmett…even Charlie." I want to turn around to look at him, but I find that just leaning against him and looking out into the woods beside the house is easier. "But I want something…better, you know? Something more. I don't really know what that is, but I know it doesn't include sharing a room with my brother. Something that doesn't include working at a diner all day. And I know I'll never have any more than that here."

He takes a deep breath and I can feel it against my hair as he slowly blows it out. He doesn't say anything, and that's okay. I'm not asking him to.

"My mom died the summer before I went to college," he says after a long while. "I…struggled. I couldn't handle school. At all. I thought it would be easier to just come home. Only my dad moved his practice to Port Angeles from Seattle. I guess it was easier for him to carry on with his life. To just…I don't know…push through. I couldn't do that. So, when I moved here, I did a lot of things I wasn't proud of. I thought if I was drunk or high…I could forget. But I couldn't."

I turn around in his lap to face him. He pulls me close, and I wrap my legs around his waist. I breathe him in. His scent is always the same. And I love it. I crave it.

"I'm sorry about your mom," I tell him. I place a kiss right over the mark that I gave him the night before. "I lost my mom, too." I don't tell him how. It doesn't seem important right now.

"I'm sorry, too," he says. "For both of us."

I hold him close. I don't know if he's crying, but I don't think so. I'm not. All I can think about is how I want to make him feel better. How I want him to see himself the way I see him. Sweet and quiet and perfect and lovely.

Because underneath everything, he is so, so lovely.

"I think he wishes I was more focused...stronger," he says. "We fight a lot…about a lot of things. But mostly I just think he wishes I was more like him. And the truth is – I'm never going to be like him."

"What do you want to be?"

"I want to be good enough for you."

I pull back because I need to see his face. And he needs to see mine.

"You are."

He kisses me again. Only it's not really like a kiss – just his lips pressed against mine as we breathe in the air between us.

"Not yet," he whispers. "But I swear to god, Bella…I promise you, I will be."

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I'm writing a new fic with the pretty and supremely talented SydneyAlice. We will be posing under the name CosmoSydney. The first chapter will post tonight. Check it out.