Now Bernie understood why Heather had not seemed particularly fazed by her panic attacks, and had known how to react. She also understood her ambiguous reaction to this particular patient… she was afraid of her. Afraid that she would somehow feel compelled to tell Heather things. Things that she'd buried deeply inside, hidden well away under her armour of distance and detachment. Bernie was well aware that avoidance was her coping mechanism, just as self-harming was Chloe Armstrong's. But avoidance had always served her well, and the fear of the unknown, of the emotions that might emerged, raw and unprocessed, if she opened a breach in her wall of silence, was too strong to be ignored.
Avoidance, however, would not work with Serena. Sooner or later, she would have to face her- they would have to talk. Right now, she had to talk to her about Dr Armstrong. Bernie made her way slowly to Serena's office, knocked and went in. Serena lifted her head from her computer screen and looked at her wonderingly. Bernie noticed she wore more make-up than during their morning encounter – her cheeks were a little too pink, and her lips a little too red. Bernie faltered. Serena's make-up was her war paint – she only exaggerated when she was or would be facing a hard day, or when she wanted to conceal signs of distress. Bernie knew she was responsible for the harsh lipstick and the overstated rouge, and she was about to add another rock to Serena's mental burden. Seeing no way out of it, she outlined Chloe Armstrong's situation as briefly as possible and hurried out of the office before Serena could react. Once she'd closed the door, she walked a few steps and leant against the wall – she felt short of breath, and thought for a moment she would have another panic attack, but she managed to steady her respiration before the crisis happened. Seeing Serena in Henrik's old office had awaken old memories, happy ones that now had a bitter taste …"we are equals after all"…There was nothing much left of that equality by now.
Meanwhile, Serena sighed deeply and looked at the picture of herself and Bernie which sat on her desk – it was hard to believe they had been so happy and carefree. When Bernie had come into the office, Serena had experienced a brief moment of hope, and her heart had quickened. Maybe she'd got through to Bernie after all. Maybe she'd understood how much she meant to her. Maybe …Maybe nothing! Just one more trouble to add to the already very long list. She tried to focus again on her screen, knowing she would have to deal with the F2, but wanting to postpone the task as much as she could, but she just couldn't get interested in the occupancy rate of the various wards and theatres. Deciding a cup of coffee and fresh air would clear her mind, she went down to the cafeteria. Noticing the heart-shaped cupcakes and the red balloons, she checked her calendar, and realised that the 14th of February was the next day.
Serena had always rather liked Valentine's Day – she liked the idea of expressing her feelings through Hallmark cards and sayings, bunches of flowers and teddy bears. Choosing the perfect present was often easier than choosing the right words. Could she find the perfect present for Bernie? The present that would make everything right again between them?
The next morning, she still hadn't found an idea – she supposed she could always book a table in a restaurant, but truth to be told, she was still a little afraid of what people might think… Holby was a small town after all. Anyway, it wouldn't be that special. Maybe Bernie would plan something? Serena rather liked surprises.
The day brought surprises all right, but not the one she'd been hoping for. She knew that Jason had a new girlfriend, but she still hadn't been able to meet her. She hadn't known that she also had Asperger's syndrome, or that she was pregnant…It took her a while to process that information, and she wished she could talk to Bernie about it, but the way things were …they probably had more pressing issues to discuss. She would have to tell her, though, before Bernie heard about it from someone else.
As for Bernie, she was looking for a way to make amends. She had to try and save the relationship – she couldn't bear the thought of failing again. She had let Marcus down, let Alex down, she couldn't let Serena down. She might think Serena loved her wrong, but who was she to give lessons? At least Serena had found something in her to love – something she hadn't found herself. When they had been in France together, they'd discovered a little patisserie where one could have coffee and cakes – one of those cakes had been called a "puits d'amour" – a love well – a cylinder of puff pastry filled with crème patissiere. That was exactly how she pictured love – there was a deep reserve of it in every individual, but it was hard to access. When you dipped into it with your bucket, sometimes you brought too much of it up, and it spilt over. Sometimes the bucket was too heavy, and you had to pour some back into the well, bringing only a little to the surface – a little which might be just enough, or too little. And it gave life when you offered it, and death when there was no more.
She hated the mercantile aspect of Valentine's Day, but it was at least as good a day as any to build bridges and to dip into that well. She took her phone out of her pocket and sent a text "Diner? Tonight? My place?". She sent it before realising she'd omitted to add kisses at the end …not a very good start. For a few seconds, she wondered if she could send some in another text, but that would be ridiculous, wouldn't it? And why did it suddenly matter so much?
When Serena saw the text, the first thing she noticed was the missing "xx" at the end…But all the same, it was a start. Maybe Bernie was ready to talk, to open up. She sent a brief reply: "Clock off at 8.00; see u then xx." before going back to her pile of admin. She had till then to find a meaningful present and to buy it …