Title: Half Empty, Half Full

Rating: MA

Disclaimer: I own nothing in this story. All of the characters belong to Kurt Sutter. They are merely pawns in my imagination.

Summary: This is her story, from her point of view. The story of two lovers, three friends, and one town not big enough for all of them.

Chapter Thirty-Seven: Beginning Again

I laid out on the sofa bed, my feet crossed at my ankles as I stared up at the ceiling. "You okay?" Wendy asked, walking into the living room. She sat down on the edge of my makeshift bed, frowning at the lumpy mattress. "Yeah, just reflecting," I said. She patted the mattress and nodded towards me. "You know it's not too late to go back over there and take him back. I'm sure his bed is way more comfier than this one," she said.

I scoffed, glancing towards her. "How did you do it? Jax was the love of your life once. How did you move on and let him go?" Wendy shrugged and looked off into the distance in front of her. "Girl, I never did. I still love him to this day. Even after everything we did to each other, everything I did, I love him. That's the father of my child. I'm just doing my time. I deserve what I got, so I'm just going to go with the flow until my luck changes." She spoke sadly, almost as if she was just handed a life sentence. I knew what she was going through, seeing him every day and not being able to be with him. Be a part of him.

I heard footsteps walking toward us, Gemma appearing in the living room entrance. She smiled at me, a hand on her hip. "There's someone here to see you, he's in the backyard," she said, pointing at me, her glasses hanging on the bridge of her nose. I raised an eyebrow at her, pursing my lips. "A certain bald and tattooed biker outlaw," she said, before turning on her heel and disappearing. Happy. Wendy turned to me, a slick smile on her face. "Don't stay up too late. We got an early morning," she whispered, before standing up. I climbed out of the bed, both of us walking through the house. She giggled as she walked towards the boys' room, where she was currently sleeping.

I walked out onto the back porch, closing the kitchen door softly behind me. There he was, sitting on the porch steps, his back facing me. I sat down next to him, pulling Chibs' hoodie tighter around me, the wind cool and starting to pick up. "Hey," I said, quietly, as he passed me his lit cigarette. Happy nodded at me, then returned his stare back to in front of him. "I just wanted to check in on you, make sure you didn't need anything. Tomorrow's the big day," he said, quietly. I'm sure he just wanted to see me. We hadn't spoken since Thanksgiving, which was almost a month ago.

"Are you happy? Like right now, in this very moment, are you happy?" I asked. It was ironic, to think that a man named Happy, wasn't happy. That was a very complicated question. Things could change around here any second. We were pretty much living on whims. Happy looked like he was thinking about the question, trying to formulate an answer. "To be honest, yes. Things with the club are going good. Vicky and me, we're good. So I guess yes, I am happy," he said. I nodded, leaning my shoulder against him. That was all that I ever wanted to for him. For everyone around me.

"Are you?" I drew in a deep breath, thinking about his question. Was I, honestly? Could things be better, different? Yes, they could, but in this very moment I was happy. "I think so. Yeah. It's not like I have much experience with being happy, but I think I am," I replied. He reached over and held his hand out, in which I placed mine. He squeezed it softly, patting it gently with his other hand. "I'm proud of you, for choosing to help Delia. I know it took a lot for you to do that."

I sighed, squeezing his hand back. "Thanks for checking in on me, Hap. It means a lot to me," I said, pulling away from him. I didn't want to sit there, so close to him, him touching me. I wanted distance between the two of us. I didn't want to chance me falling off of the wagon. He needed a fair chance at his relationship with Vicky. I stood up from the porch, placing a kiss on the top of his head.

Happy nodded, inhaling slowly, as I walked away from him. It felt kind of final, the sound of the kitchen door closing behind me as I leaned against it. I drew in a deep breath and pushed away from the door, heading back into the living room and my bed. That night, I went to bed feeling somewhat satisfied. Everything was good right now, with everybody. Tomorrow would be my final act in Charming. I just needed to keep the peace for a little while longer.

I won't say I was freaking out, but technically I was. I began to pace the small hospital room, feeling all sorts of weird. Maybe it was the fact that I was on an empty stomach, or that I hadn't smoked a cigarette in God's knows how long, or maybe it was the lack of caffeine or liquor in my body. I couldn't sit still, my mind running a mile of minute. Up until I slipped into that hospital gown, I was calm, cool, and collected. Wendy had kissed me on the cheek and hugged me tightly, before walking away towards the waiting room. Did everyone know something I didn't know?

The hospital room door opened, and Vicky stepped inside the room. She gave me a small smile, closing the door behind her. "Good morning, Jessie Mae. I'll be the nurse on call today. If this is awkward for you, please feel free to tell me," she said, as she walked over to the dry erase board in the room and began to write on it. What the hell did that mean? I shrugged, not understanding that she would be the nurse taking care of me.

I made my way towards the bed, sitting on the edge of it. I watched her silence, her cursive handwriting filling the board. Vicky stood before dressed me, this time looking like a damn Christmas tree. Her red hair bright against her green scrubs. She turned towards me, a smile on her face. She pulled her stethoscope off of her neck, motioning to my chest. I sat up tall, letting her place the cold metal underneath my gown and listen to my chest.

"Me and Happy, we talk a lot. He told me everything about you two. I can tell he loves you a lot," she said, quietly, pulling the stethoscope out from under the gown. I watched her take a few steps back, her hands disappearing inside her scrub pockets. I waited, trying to see where this was going. "I just wanted to tell you, that I have really strong feelings for him. I won't hurt him, I'll look after him," she said. I crossed my arms over my chest, cocking my head at her. "Why are you telling me this?"

She sighed softly, shrugging. "I don't know. When he told me your story, I could tell he was still in love with you. I could tell her was trying to move on. I guess I'm kind of scared you'll try to come back into his life, that I won't be able to replace you. I wanted you to know that I'm willing to fight for him." Vicky stood tall, her head lifted high as she looked me in the eyes. I couldn't help but smile at her. She was willing to fight for him, how he was always willing to fight for me. I nodded at her, I guess I was somehow giving her my approval.

Vicky turned a light shade of red, releasing a deep breath. "Some nurses will be in shortly to prep you for surgery. Let me know if you need something," she said. I watched her leave the room, the door closing behind her. I laid out on the bed, waiting in silence. My mind was blank at the moment, I knew I should be thinking about something or someone, not used to actually just being at peace.

At some point, the door open and nurses walked in. They begin to prep me for surgery, my hair disappearing under a hospital cap, new IVs finding their way into my arms. I sat back and let it all happen, somewhat in a daze. I drew in deep breaths, trying to keep the panic at bay. I kept telling myself, everything would be okay. Everything would be okay.

Except it wasn't. I could tell something was wrong. I kept opening my eyes, my vision blurred, my body numb. I could hear the beeping going on around me, the hushed, worried voices. I tried to move, but nothing happened. I felt pressure on my body, as people moved around me. What was going on? My mind began to think about them all- Andy, Happy, Chibs, Wendy. These were the only people who would save me right now. I could feel the panic rising, as I tried to open my mouth to yell for help. I didn't hear no sound, I didn't even feel my mouth moving. It didn't matter, I fell back under the anesthesia, my panic disappearing completely.

I struggled to open my eyes, the hospital lights above me momentarily blinding me. When I tried to move, pain ripped through me. I guess the surgery did happen. I blinked until my vision came back to me, my body still groggy and slow to respond to the commands I was giving it. I couldn't focus, my head falling back onto the pillow as I went weak.

There was a time when I didn't know how long I would live. Would I die young? Would I just not wake up one morning? I figured I would give Chibs a good 10 years, get married, have some kids, become the new Gemma. I was hoping eventually she would die and the throne would be mine. I figured dad would watch his grandkids grow up in Charming, just how we did. They would break into the quarry late at night and have crazy parties, until the sheriff came and arrested them all. Then just how daddy picked Johnny and me up from the police station, Chibs and I would be doing the same.

I would get a "mother" hair cut. Start bleaching my hair and go to bed at a decent time. Invest in a good pair of sweatpants, the ones with the solid waistband. Chibs would grow more handsome with time, his hair become completely white. Eventually I would put him on a diet, that beer gut creeping me out. I had all these ideas of what my life would be like, but I never thought about Happy. How did he fit into all of this? What would happen when I married, when the kids came? What would happen if anyone ever found out about us?

All of these things were flashing before my eyes, as my dad grabbed the bridge of his nose and sighed deeply. I came home that night, ran directly to his house, tears barreling down my face. My body shook as I told him everything. Every lie, every touch, every time. I stood in silence before him, as if awaiting my sentence. He sat at the kitchen table, silent, pouring himself a glass of scotch. He poured one for me, pushing it my way.

I nervously took it, downing it hard and fast. This was his good whiskey. The bottle he had been saving for his first grandkid. The bottle I had gifted him over 5 years ago. He stood up, his face worn and sad, making his way towards me. I already knew what was coming, I wasn't even going to try to avoid it. He lifted his rough and scarred hand, slapping me across the face. I stood still, taking it because I deserved it. I didn't run away, I stood tall in front of him, just how he had taught me.

Emerson turned quietly, and resumed his position at the table. "Do you know what's going to happen now? If anyone finds out about this?" He said, quietly. I nodded because I knew. The club would be up in shambles at this. Everything would change amongst them. "Who knows about you two?" He asked. I drew in a deep breath, my chin quivering. "Jax," I said, that word making everything final.

He stared at me, his eyes glassy with unspoken thoughts. I waited a few moments before speaking. "He wants me to leave town. Never tell anyone about this." Daddy nodded, running a a hand over his face. "This right now with the club are a bit unsettled," he said, pausing and staring off into the distance. "He's doing this because you have given him no choice. He can't sacrifice his men for a piece of pussy." I knew the reasoning behind it, I wasn't really sure why I was here. I knew if Jax said anything, if the truth got out, the trust that Happy and Chibs had built all of these would be gone. If Jax or the club did anything to me, my father would suffer also.

"How could you? I raised you right, I think. I gave you everything you needed, everything and anything so that you didn't turn out like her. And here you are…" More tears began to fall as I realized he was right. I ruined a good thing. "I have a friend in Nevada, he can help you relocate. Get started over again," he said. And with that, I knew my fate was sealed. I knew what I had to do. "Pack a bag, get in your car and drive, baby girl. There's nothing left in Charming for you."

From the corner of my eye, I spotted Andy and Chibs in a hospital chair, Andy asleep in Chibs' lap as he too slept. I was losing the fight, as my eyes fell shut and I began to doze off. I was hazy, my body felt like a ton of bricks as I tried to lift my hand up but failed. All I could do was lay there and fall in and out of whatever dreams came my way.

I gasped, a wave of nausea hitting me as I sat down on the edge of the tub. There I was, in some rundown apartment, the paper thin walls doing nothing to hide the loud yelling from next door. The bathroom was yellowed with age, the water stain on the ceiling mocking me. This was where I had ended up, after my exile from Charming.

I had no connection to my past life, I was basically starting over from scratch. Gone were the nice cars and clothes, heavy makeup and some what happy personality. In it's wake, was the minimum wage job Emerson's friend had managed to get me down at the station house, a ratty car, and discount clothing. I had hit the big time.

I ran my thumb across the pregnancy test in my hand, sighing, a hand on my forehead. It was true, what I had been suspecting for weeks now, I was pregnant. I stood up, walking out of the bathroom and into the kitchen, placing my hand on the phone in the wall. I slowly picked it up, dialing those unforgettable numbers.

When the ringing on the other end stopped, I almost lost my nerve and hung up. "Yeah?" The voice on the other end said. Chibs, the accent making my heart skip a beat. "Hello?" I opened my mouth to speak but let it hang open, my body leaning against the wall. I heard him take a deep breath and let it out slowly, the noise behind him quieting down. I slid down the wall, cradling the phone in my hands, my skin cold.

"Jessie Mae, love," he whispered. I shook my head, clasping a hand over my mouth, as I stifled a cry. I wanted to speak, I wanted to yell, but I couldn't muster the energy. "Come home, I beg ya," he said. I wasn't sure how he knew it was me, and it didn't matter. The noise in the background came back, laughter filling the silence and the miles between us. "Come on, Chibby baby," I heard a woman say in the background. I could only imagine what was happening, what was being said, but it didn't matter. I stood up slowly, putting the phone back on the hook. I rushed to the bathroom, throwing up.