Chapter Thirty-Six

The first week back at Hogwarts proved harder than any other week.

I was constantly asked by members of every house if that had actually happened, and rumors spread and grew until in some variations I was a death-eater and had set the cart on fire myself, and in others I was a miraculous hero who had apparated the rest of the train to safety and chased two dangerous death-eaters through the forest until they leapt from a cliff and apparated away. There was no escaping the constant questions, and to make it worse, some of them came from my friends. If not for Cassi forcefully getting everyone away, I might have actually gone bonkers.

To worsen matters further, Sirius wouldn't speak to me, and I didn't know why. He was mopey and sullen, verging on farouche, and impossibly distant. He spoke to no one but the other Marauders, not even Lily, and sat hunched over and broody with dark circles under his eyes. I couldn't for the life of me understand what changed.

Cassi and Amos were going nauseatingly strong, both ecstatic to see each other again after the break. Pandora and Xeno were all but married already, constantly chatting quietly or cuddling but complacent with being apart long enough to do what they needed to. Yumi said her beau had come to spent the break with her, the mystery-man from Hogsmeade. Adonis was perfect in every way to her, and she never shut up about him. Lily and James were also now very phlegm-inducing, and Severus's negative reaction to it showed in every arithmancy period, and I heard all of it.

It was quickly becoming too much to bear, but as always in my life, things never stay monochromatic for long. A splash of color was quickly approaching, however blue it may be, that would lead to a more dangerous hue. But for the time, my gray world only seemed to be growing dark.

On Wednesday of the second week back, I had had enough.

I escaped to the Room of Requirement to find Sirius, James, and Remus. As soon as I entered, Sirius stopped speaking and began to pretend to read. After all of my constant stress and nightmares interrupting my sleep, I was at the end of my line.

"What's the deal? Why aren't you willing to talk to me?" I demanded. "Everything was fine during the break, and now-"

"Hazel!" James snapped. "He has his reasons, just as you have yours not to talk about your ordeal. Let it be."

"I just want my friend back," I faltered. James' sharp expression softened with pity. Sirius's didn't change.

Remus stood up and crossed the room, glancing over his shoulder once to his friends. His expression was guarded as he said, "Hazel, let's take a walk."

Desperately hoping this meant answers, I agreed and led the way out of the Room of the Requirement. Remus led me quietly down the hall to the abandoned classroom where Sirius and I had spoken that one night. Remus leaned on the desk, brushed dust off his hands, and then turned his dark blue eyes to me with some deep sadness in them. I took a seat on the windowsill, stretching out one leg and pulling the other knee to my chest, and stared at him, waiting.

"You know Sirius lives with James, but how much do you know of why?"

I considered. "He hates his family. He said they're all arrogant based on blood."

"Over the break, he returned to them. After he heard what happened to you, he thought that maybe if his family had a good influence in it, they might not all turn out like Bellatrix- he hoped that nothing else terrible would happen." Because of me? No- just Sirius being a good person, as usual. Nothing wrong with that, of course. "Once they found out he was there in defense of a half-blood, they disowned him."

My eyes shot wide with shock. "Disowned?"

"Disowned- as in erased from the family records, put a blot in the family tree. Sirius Black is, in every way but physically, dead to his family. It's due to them that he's suffered much already, and this blow… Well, it was the cherry on top of a terrible life. I won't say what all happened; it's his story to tell. But I will ask you to go easy on him, as the boy has had it hard enough already. The last thing he needs is for someone else to turn on him, or even seem to. He's… He's emotionally crippled."

I can understand that. Right now, I'm the same way. I nodded and stood. 'Thanks, Remus. Keep an eye on him for me, would you? It's obvious that trying to force myself back into his life isn't working." I felt my throat closing up and swallowed heavily. "So if he doesn't want me around, then I beg you to- to watch out for him, help him as best you can, when I'm not there."

Sympathy flooded his oceanic eyes, and Remus nodded. "Will do."

I crossed to the door, and then paused, turning to look at him. "Oh, and Remus?"

"Yes?"

"Thanks."

The following Saturday was an early Hogsmeade trip. I watched from the third floor as all of my friends trotted off happily for a day of fun and companionship, while my own problems held me at bay. Another nightmare had placed dark purple bags under my eyes, disabling me from getting any rest, and the constant fear and edginess afflicting me had caused me to become someone quite difficult to be around. By now I was even snapping at Cassi, the person trying to explain to others as softly as possible why I was so different.

I disappeared to the library for some hours, sitting among the shelves and reading snippets of books I couldn't find any interest in. I wouldn't consciously admit it, but I was hoping to find in writing something similar to my experience and what I was feeling. I needed guidelines, and they were currently impossible to find.

After hunting for some time, I finally gave up, sitting down in the library floor with my knees drawn to my chest, elbows on my knees, and hands in my hair. I felt my face screw up as the feeling of being overwhelmed pressed into me; how was I supposed to find normal again? How was I supposed to function like this? Already, my classes are failing, I'm distant, I…

Footsteps paused my thoughts. I relaxed my face and sought a lie- can't find a book for divination is all- and then looked up.

Sirius.

He looked worse for wear, as he had for some time now. He had darker shadows under his eyes than I did, and his once luscious dark hair now lay limp against his scalp. His cheeks were sallow, and his already slender frame had shrunk inward. Wordlessly, he sat down with his back against the shelf across from me, assuming a similar pose but with more relaxed legs and his arms simply resting on his knees, hands locked to the opposite elbows.

"Stressed?" He asked.

I nodded, but didn't reply. He rested his head against the shelf.

"Me, too."

I nodded briefly, but didn't speak. A million words popped into my head in response, but in my current mood, there was nothing to convince me I should speak. Sirius was a friend, a good friend at that, last semester, but now… We were both remote, far off in our own dark corners, despite the fact we sat with only centimeters between us physically.

"Remus told me he gave you a brief overview."

I nodded. Again, no words from me.

Sirius sighed, staring forward at the books next to my head. His grey eyes were unfocused, seeing memories I couldn't touch. "I… Decided I should tell you everything else that happened."

"You don't have to," I said immediately. "I understand if you don't want to."

I don't want to talk about my memories, I thought, and knew at once that that was why I insisted he didn't have to tell me what so intrigued me.

"I want to," he assured me. "More than anything, I want you to understand. Not from- not from personal experience, just to… To know what I've been through." He paused again. He had never been this timorous around me. I decided to shut up and let him speak until he was done. After a long moment, he began. "You know about my brother, Regulus. Reg and I didn't exactly… Have the best upbringing. It's part of why he never talks to me. Our father, Orion, is this ever-worshiped all-pervasive being, loved by the rest of our family, even our idiot mother. For the first few years after Reg was born, everything was fine. Mum was a little fastidious in how she raised and taught us; she hoped to raise the typical snooty, pureblood, arrogant 'gentlemen' that the House of Black was known for. But the House of Black has a darker chapter; my cousins, Bellatrix and Narcissa and Andromeda, experienced this as well. I'm stalling; the thing I'm not saying is that I've been abused. For years."

My eyes shot wide, and I felt a crippling wave of sympathy.

Sirius continued. "When I was seven, Mum had a social gathering- some other rich pureblood women- and I refused to participate in it. I thought the whole thing too uppity and preferred to sit in the puffskein garden. Then my father found me, and slapped me, and dragged me out to the tea party. That was only the beginning. Something had snapped in him; after that, there were countless occasions where Reg or I would do something to draw his fire and feel that kind of pain. I hate that man, I always have, but he gave me a million reasons to. I don't care that I was hurt; I care that he would abuse a child- two, in fact. I was more pissed about how he treated Reg. That's my brother, and now the sight of my face reminds him of that house. Once we started going to Hogwarts, things calmed down. Life at the house was more scattered hits and verbal abuse, but it wasn't as bad as it had been.

"Then when I came home for Christmas in fifth year, Reg and I entered the house to find our mother black and blue and unable to move. I nearly dueled my father, but before I could the house wards kicked me out of the house. I swore I'd kill him. I ran to the Potters' house in hopes of refuge, and they said I could stay as long as I needed to. James was furious when he heard what happened. We tried to go back, but we couldn't get back in. Reg said he healed Mum, and that Dad had promised to change, gotten on his knees and cried, but also swore I was never allowed in that house again. I don't want to go back regardless.

"But then James told me what happened to you. Christmas day, I flew back to that house and tried to be amiable, friendly; I brought presents and everything. Much of the family was gathered there- Narcissa, her parents, my parents, Great-Aunt Pollox, and so on. When I showed up, the whole room grew silent; Reg just looked at me. Then Dad started screaming, and asking why I was there. I told him the truth: a dear friend of mine was attacked by my own cousin, our family is far too problematic, and it's time for things to change. He asked what friend, and I said. Reg then asks if I meant the half-blood Ravenclaw girl, and Dad lost it. It was bad enough I was a Gryffindor; now I'm befriending half-bloods. He called me a blood traitor, a disgrace to the House of Black, and disowned me. Mum blew a hole through my face in the family tree tapestry, and I returned to James' house.

"I know I shouldn't care, and they aren't worth the soot under my shoe, but being completely orphaned, having no family at all, feels so isolated. James and Remus are trying to open me back up, and I'm in awe that I can even talk to you about it. I guess it's because… I can look at your face and see that you're struggling, too. That isn't to say you look weak; I just recognize the same pain and longing in you."

He grew silent, and I didn't know what to say. I wanted to hold him, to fix all those broken pieces, put back together that broken heart. Looking at the remorse in his grey eyes as he looked at me, seeing him lose strength and look down, I gave in and crawled over to him. He watched me, surprised, as I rearranged his legs and crawled into his lap. I wound my arms around him, pressing him to me and holding him tight. At first, his hands only rested lightly on my back, but then his manner changed: he gripped me tightly, squeezing me to him, and I hugged back with all the strength I could.

"Sirius, if you ever need to talk, or want to get away for a while, just let me know. I'm here for you, as best I can be."

His voice came soft and smoky next to my ear, "And I'll do the same for you."

My heart stopped temporarily, and I felt my throat closing with emotion. I gripped him impossibly tighter, burying my face in his shoulder and listless black hair, feeling my eyes pool. The words had somehow broken down my barrier; maybe it was because I knew he, too, suffered, and in that mutual pain could help me.

We sat like that for a long time, just holding each other. My heart broke when I felt a few tears hit my neck after sliding down his cheek, and I'm sure he felt the same; it was a dark tranquility, two lonely, agonized people just holding each other in hopes of relief, but it was ours and in the moment it was all we had.

And I would hold him as long as he would let me.

A/N: I recently got a review stating some of the way things happened in the earlier chapters didn't follow canon information. Let me just state this is a fanfiction, and Hazel's existence isn't canonical either, and I did some research and other info has come out since. I tweaked a few things for story's sake, but it doesn't seem to bother any of the readers who have gotten this far. Besides, I'm too far in to bother editing it, lol.

Anyway! One more chapter in. I recently had to quickly discover a new abode, and that's just my way of saying I had to find somewhere else to live and now have. It's an actual structured household, which should include a little bit of time each day in which I can write/update, so I'll actually be updating more. Yay!

Thanks for reading, guys. Don't forget to review!