GAIGE: I hate Claptrap. And Salvador.
SALVADOR: What'd I do?
GAIGE: You agreed to take these stupid missions! Those. Past tense.
SALVADOR: Claptrap paid us!
GAIGE: Not enough!
AXTON: Yeah, I don't think we even got any loot worth mentioning.
GAIGE: [sighs] Well, I guess I may as well do the whole spiel anyway...so, right, the day started—and by day, I mean when we woke up; it was still Pandoran night, that will become important in a moment—the day started with Claptrap sending us to clean up the skag urine around one of his boltholes in the Sun Swamps. The problem is, it's only visible at night. We were just lucky we got the timing right.
GAIGE: So we did that, while killing all the skags that were attracted—
SALVADOR: They weren't attracted. They were...uh...what's the word? Re-something. Removed? No, what was it...
ZERO: Repulsed.
SALVADOR: Ah! Yes! They were repulsed by the skag's territorial markings. They came back when we were cleaning it up because there was nothing keeping them away any more.
GAIGE: Yeah, well, whatever! The point is, I don't think I've ever seen so many skags in one place in my entire life. But we fought them off anyway, because we're awesome like that, and after I shot the last badass in the face—
AXTON: Hey hey, tell it right! I shot the last badass in the face.
MAYA: Oh, here we go...
GAIGE: You were on the other side of the cave, behind that mountain...thing! How could you have shot it?
AXTON: My turret shot it!
GAIGE: Your turret does not count!
SALVADOR: I thought we agreed it did.
MAYA: Yeah, sorry Gaige, we established waaay back at Southpaw Steam and Power: If you can get a Second Wind with it, it counts as you for getting a kill.
GAIGE: You're siding with him!?
MAYA: I wasn't anywhere close to this whole thing. I didn't see anything. I'm just saying, if the turret shot it, it counts as his.
GAIGE: [grumbling] Whatever, I don't care any more...the point is, Claptrap called us back, and sent us to find the skag that had done all the marking of all the territory and stuff, and kill it. It was back in Ardorton Station. [click]
CLAPTRAP: There he is! While you fight him, I'll come up with a HILARIOUS urine-based pun that I'll say once he's dead! [click]
GAIGE: So, yeah, fought it, killed it, that was it. Harder than I thought it would be, though. Why did he have like five badass skags guarding him?
SALVADOR: Skags tend to follow big skags.
GAIGE: Whatever. [click]
CLAPTRAP: I, uh...I couldn't come up with a hilarious urine-based pun. Still, 'least he's dead! Go ahead and get back here! [click]
GAIGE: So that went a little better than expected. I mean, after that hand pun yesterday I was kinda dreading what he'd come up with, but!
[pause]
GAIGE: ...I've completely lost my train of thought. Did we do anything else in Ardorton Station today?
MAYA: No, everything else was in Scyllia Grove and the Sun Swamps.
AXTON: Aren't the Sun Swamps in Scyllia Grove?
MAYA: What? No, they're...next to it. Surrounding it, and everything.
SALVADOR: No, I think he's right. The grove is the entire cave, not just the fort thingy with Claptrap's village on top.
GAIGE: Scyllia's Grove is not a cave! I checked, it does not have a ceiling.
SALVADOR: Well, it's surrounded by rock walls. What do you call that?
GAIGE: I dunno. Maybe...a basin? You know, like a valley?
AXTON: That doesn't sound right.
MAYA: Maybe this isn't important right now.
GAIGE: You're right! So...what was next? Was the rakk first, or—
AXTON: No, that was last. Next was the skag with the—
GAIGE: Rightrightright! So, um...
AXTON: There was a skag—
GAIGE: You shush! I'm just looking for the right...there! [click]
CLAPTRAP: Minions! Minions! My receiver just picked up a blip from another Claptrap unit! I might not be the last of my kind! You've gotta find him! [click]
GAIGE: Now, I know what you're thinking, and most of us weren't exactly thrilled at the idea of having another Claptrap around. But little mister "do anything anyone asks of him ever" ran off before we could stop him, so we all had to follow to keep him from getting himself killed again! How many times have you died by now, anyway?
SALVADOR: Not too many...
GAIGE: Well, anyway, we followed the waypoint to a tribal village, and then a few skag dens behind. It. Behind the tribal village. [click]
CLAPTRAP: It sounds like you're near the blip, but I don't see—oh, wait! That skag swallowed the Claptrap unit! You've gotta protect that skag until he vomits the Claptrap up! [click]
GAIGE: So, yeah. Ol' Pukey—never let Claptrap name anything, by the way—randomly decided to wander into the tribal village, so we had to protect him. And for some reason, there were suddenly like a billion tribals attacking him, even though we killed everyone when we passed through the first time! I guess they respawned faster than usual.
MAYA: We still haven't proven that they have any New-U stations.
GAIGE: Fine, then they were hiding in their huts for whatever reason, whatever, it doesn't matter! The point is, we were just protecting the skag, while Claptrap—our Claptrap, I mean—kept saying things like [click]
CLAPTRAP: I wonder how that Claptrap got all the way out here. He must have run from Jack's soldiers just like me! [click]
GAIGE: And [click]
CLAPTRAP: Man, that Claptrap and I are gonna have so much fun together! We'll be able to swap stories about survival, loneliness, and the crushing, existential pressures of being the last of your kind! Oh, and our favorite dance moves! [click]
GAIGE: So, yeah. Not...exactly making us happy about Salvador's decision to help. But anyway! We killed off all the tribals, and the stupid skag finally realized he couldn't digest what was in his stomach.
AXTON: Does he have more than one?
GAIGE: More than one Claptrap?
AXTON: No, more than one stomach. I kinda remember hearing something about that.
GAIGE: Uh...I dunno. Salvador?
SALVADOR: I keep telling you, I wasn't the skag herder in the family!
GAIGE: Well, fine, not important. [click]
CLAPTRAP: You protected Pukey, minions! Woo-hoo! He's finally going to barf up my fellow Claptrap unit!
[wet sound of something hitting the dirt]
CLAPTRAP: I finally found another Claptrap unit! Yaaaa—aw, he's dead.
[explosion]
CLAPTRAP: And he exploded. Oh well. Now to slip back into the warm, comfy Christmas sweater that is my depression. Ahhhhhhh. Come on back whenever you're ready, minions. [click]
GAIGE: So we kinda...had mixed feelings, I guess? I mean, on the one hand, nobody has to deal with a second Claptrap unit, so that's good. On the other hand, we felt bad for the little guy!
AXTON: You felt bad. Don't drag the rest of us into it.
GAIGE: C'mon Maya, help me out here.
MAYA: Uh, I...
GAIGE: [grumbling] Never mind. Uh, there was other stuff too—
SALVADOR: The rakk.
GAIGE: Oh, yeah! That was it! Giant rakk we had to attract with a...fireworks? Firework? Is firework a word?
SALVADOR: Well—
MAYA: I'm sorry, but I don't think she was asking you. And to answer your question, Gaige, I'm not sure.
GAIGE: Well, we shot off a rocket, a big-ass rakk came, and we killed it. Not very interesting.
GAIGE: The really interesting thing that happened today was we found a bunch of Nakayama's ECHO logs! Just, scattered around the Sun Swamps! Why do people keep leaving those everywhere? Anyway, they told us a lot about him, you know how it goes, some of his reactions to meeting Handsome Jack, Jack's death, all that. I guess the only relevant one was the most recent one. [click]
NAKAYAMA: I AM THE MOST— [click]
GAIGE: Waitwaitwait. On second thought, you need the two most recent ones for it to make sense. One sec, I know I have it bookmarked here somewhere...
AXTON: We still have the ECHO's we found. We can just—
GAIGE: Shush! [click]
NAKAYAMA: I AM THE SMARTEST MAN ALIIIIVE! I'm gonna clone Jack using a fearsome beast, then use that beast to kill the Vault Hunters! The Terminus is about to touch down in Aegrus, and—
COMPUTER: Alert. Autopilot disengaged.
NAKAYAMA: Are we crashing? Why are we crashing!?
CLAPTRAP: My bad! [click]
GAIGE: So that's, you know, the setup. This is the last one. [click]
NAKAYAMA: I AM THE MOST AMBIVALENT MAN ALIVE! [calmer] ...we've just crashed on Aegrus, my plan is set in motion, and the Vault Hunters just arrived. Un-friggin-fortunately however, the Vault Hunters survived every attempt I've made to kill them, which, uh, which [very quietly] kinda makes me kinda nervous. [normal voice] But just keep it together—just think like Jack. What would Jack do? What...would Jack do? [click]
GAIGE: ...so. Yeah. All Claptrap's fault.
AXTON: We probably could've guessed that before we even got here.
GAIGE: Yeah, and then we could've skipped all the stupid swamps. [sighs] But we're here, and we gotta get our murder on. Uh, tomorrow?
MAYA: Tomorrow.
GAIGE: Tomorrow! Tomorrow, we hunt down Professor Nakayama, and end his reign of terror! For a certain definition of...terror, anyway. And reign, I guess. Does this whole thing count as a reign?
SALVADOR: I think when religion is involved, it's a crusade.
GAIGE: No, that's a religious war. What's a religious reign?
[pause]
MAYA: Why are you all looking at me?
AXTON: Well, you're the one with the most experience here.
MAYA: That was a theocracy, a religious government. This is just a bunch of crazy guys following another crazy guy.
SALVADOR: That's what's my grandma always said government was.
GAIGE: Well! Goodnight, subscribers! Gonna turn this off before the swearing starts.