I thought I was lonely back at Alexandria. Boy was I stupid. I'm far more lonely here. The people, the place, my things...none of it is familiar. None of it feels comfortable. I came here to see Negan more and I feel like I see him less. I feel like I'm just another wife, competing for his attention. Not that there is much competition. Amber is afraid of him (I mean they all are to some extent), Sherry quietly despises him, Jennifer is apathetic and I'm pretty sure Maria and Carrie are just using him for protection.

I've always been able to see both sides and now my mind is so muddled that every time I try to make sense of anything it's like slogging through a swamp. I can't even make heads or tails about Negan's feelings for me. Before I felt special and wanted and now I feel like I'm just here. He's pulled back so much that I wonder if any of it was real.

Part of me wishes I had never left Alexandria. Wish I had never said what I said to Rick. Wish I hadn't fucked myself over. Negan is right, I'm trapped here. Rick and co won't accept me back and...I can't just abandon Negan.

He doesn't understand any of it. The things he says, his actions, how he treats me. All of it contradicts each other and yet, I get it. I get that he's pushing me away because he doesn't want me to get too close. He's just like me. He's afraid if people get too close then he'll be vulnerable. Which is true. But I guess the difference is that I at least try to get past that. I try to let people in. Of course then I shove them away. Rick is a good case in point.

From what I've observed Negan doesn't let any of the girls sleep over in his room and yet I get to. But he sleeps with me less often than he does some of the other girls. He fucking sits down and has dinner with me almost every day, but then he takes another girl to his bed. And I go to bed tohse nights wondering what the fuck is wrong with me.

I've been doing everything he's asked. Gained some weight, started working out, taking care of myself. Hell I even do my hair more often now. Like, I fucking flat iron it. I haven't used a fucking flat iron in three years, I haven't worn make up in three years, haven't had pretty clothes in three years. All of it is just super-fucking-ficial, though. I'd rather be mucking through the woods with nothing than here with all these New World luxuries, as long as I'm with Negan. But he wouldn't be happy. Not that he's actually happy now.

I made the mistake of asking who Lucille was one night after sex. He shoved me off the bed, yelled at me to fucking get dressed and get the fuck out. Told me never to talk about her again. To be honest, he scared me that night. And you know I don't get scared easily.

I never meant to hurt him. I just want to understand him. He says he's the only man who understands me, and I wish he would realize that I want to be that woman to him. The one he leans on when he needs me...I'm laughing now, but I realize I want to be to him what I was to Rick once. It's a bitter, cold laugh, but still, ironic as fuck.

He acted like it never happened the next day, instead taking Amber to his bed that morning, while the rest of us ate breakfast and listened to both their exaggerated moans and whimpers. I plastered a big fucking fake ass smile on my face, and made stupid small talk with Sherry (I fucking hate small talk). And then I crept into my room to 'read.' Instead I just laid on the bed and cried, wondering what was wrong with me.

After I'd cried myself out I reached into my bag and drew out the only picture I had of everyone and stared at it for a long while. Back at the prison where...where I had started to allow myself to feel happy again, happy and hopeful. I hadn't realized I was in love with Rick then, but I suppose I knew it on some level. And I was waiting for him. Always waiting.

I had to stuff it away when I heard footsteps beyond the door. But it had only been Carrie, knocking and asking if I wanted to come play cards with her and Maria. I pretended to be asleep. I just want to be left alone.

I don't know who I am anymore. What's wrong with me? I never used to be this girl that relied on everyone else's feelings or desires or whatever. I used to be strong and independent and...now I'm nothing. I'm a shadow of my former self.

This feels worse than even the worst things I've done to survive. This is worse than shooting that man in the shack or covering for Shane.

Who am I? What have I become?