I apologise but this is all you get for now, I'm currently going through a lot of difficulties and I hope you understand. I will update whenever I can. Thank you all of you who take the time to read and review, it puts a smile on my face.

Author's Note: I realise I am writing everyone very OOC but it's my fic, they deserve happiness. Also, if you have noticed, John is mostly OOC. Some people forget that John Winchester also grew up without a father, he went through similar things as Dean and Sam; he had childhood traumas, plus, he was a war veteran and I damn well know he must have PSTD. Perhaps Mary was the only one who kept him sane. Now image how it affected him after losing her? He lost his sanity without her, he knew he was not okay, he held all this grief, this pain, this guilt and self-hatred. He didn't just want revenge on that demon, he wanted to run away from himself, from his failures; it was wrong of him, yes. Perhaps he always thought he would fail at being a father but Mary would assure him he wouldn't. He convinced himself that if he could protect or teach his boys how to protect themselves, they'd be okay.

How can people say he was a selfish, obsessed bastard? He chose the hunter life to protect his sons so they would not end up like his wife did. How do you think he felt when he found out what Azazel had planned for Sam and because it was of Mary to save him? He was driven to it, he didn't want it but he had to; he had to save at least them.

Sure he was as emotionally constipated as Dean is but, it is the result of someone who has gone through so much. I wish they had shown a different side of John but all we get is Sam's side of the story and Dean's, who sees him as this superhero. He knew Dean was messed up, he was aware his boys were not okay but he convinced himself they were to make himself feel a little less guilty. There's so much I could say about him but I guess, in the end, John Winchester will always be a child abuser and an obsessed bastard to most of the fandom, and I'm sorry because he doesn't deserve that.

I think he would have been a great father, a happy one if he had not lost Mary and this is how I imagine him.

WARNING: I don't think there's anything I should warn you about. Anyway, continue reading.

…~)*(~…

Love

Insanity laughs under pressure we're cracking

Can't we give ourselves one more chance?

Why can't we give love that one more chance?

Why can't we give love, give love, give love..?

~ Under Pressure - Queen & David Bowie

He scanned with his eyes around the room as he sat on the chair in front of the desk at the office; the lack of light, or sound made it eerie, the foreign objects shaped in different forms decorated the shelves, books stacked upon books, light dusk on the top shelves and other surfaces; it was cold, empty and dark. Castiel shifted in his seat, bringing his arms around himself protectively, he could feel the anxiety build in his stomach and he took a deep breath to calm himself, only hoping Michael would hurry into the room. There were many things that did not scare him, and many things that triggered his anxiety, which built into a full blown panic attack; darkness, loneliness and silence were a few of them.

"And I could not love, coz I could not love myself. Never good enough, no, that was all I'd tell myself. And I was not well, but I could not help myself. I was giving up on living." He sang quietly as he sunk into his chair, feeling the hairs on his body stand on end. He closed his eyes tightly, attempting to busy his mind with happy memories.

"I want to be with you- forever." He rested his head against the other boy's chest, listening to the loud beating of his heart, and he smiled at the thought that it was he who caused it to speed up.

"You always will, Dean." He tightened his arms around the boy's torso, "Your heart." He looked up at the older boy, "It's beating too fast. Are you nervous?" he smiled; Dean cleared his throat and nodded.

"Yeah, a little." He chuckled, "I am still not used to it."

"Used to what?" he furrowed his brows hoping he was not making Dean uncomfortable.

"Holding you, being this intimate with someone I love." He pressed his lips into a thin line; Castiel could feel the flutter in his stomach and his own heart speed up.

"You love me?" he stared into Dean's eyes in search for the truth; his pupils dilated, his arms pressed Castiel closer to him.

"I love you." He responded quietly. Castiel kept silent for a moment before a small smile formed on his lips.

"I love you too, Dean." he smiled, pressing his forehead against Castiel's. He could feel the other boy's hot breath on his lips, his hands tightening around him; their eyes closed as their lips met with a gentle touch, sending shivers down their spines.

"Castiel?" he opened his eyes, blinking twice at the sound of the door close and footsteps approaching.

"Michael." He looked up at his brother.

"How are you feeling?" he sat in his chair, leaning his back against it; he narrowed his eyes at the boy sitting in front of him, noticing his discomfort.

"I am- better." He gave a small nod.

"Are you really?" he tilted his head slightly; "You do not seem like it."

"I'm sorry." He fixed his eyes on the desk before him.

"Do not apologise, there is no need to." He leant forward. "Are you ready to explain what happened at the store?" Castiel nodded without saying a word; Michael waited patiently as his brother composed himself.

"I lost control of my anger." He glanced at his hands, "I was not in the best of situations at the moment; he suddenly appeared just to complicate it further, though I politely asked him to stop, he didn't." He was silent for a moment as well as Michael before he spoke again, "He- he was the man from before, the one at the night of Halloween- and I did not like the way he spoke about you or Lucifer." Michael straightened his shoulders and frowned, curious to know what he had said but more intrigued by the fact that it was the same paparazzi.

"Are you certain of that, Castiel?" the young boy nodded keeping his eyes on Michael. "Very well, I kept the memory card from his camera, these photos will not be seen by anyone but me, I will delete them." he gave Castiel a small nod.

"Thank you." he was silent for a moment as Michael turned on his computer and searched for the memory card in his pocket. "You may go if you need to." he glanced at his brother who seemed to sink in his chair further as if frightened.

"Michael, I do not think my excuses are a good reason for me to have taken my anger out on that man, even though he caused it; I have always had control over it, yet this time was different, I feel like it was wrong from my part- and, he did not defend himself." he stared at his hands on his laps, feeling his brother's eyes on him.

"It is normal to lose control sometimes, as long as you do not let it control you. You will know when enough is enough. As for the paparazzi, he truly deserved it for what he did to you last time." he clenched his fists at his sides; Castiel widened his eyes at his brother in surprise, he expected to be punished, not this. "Do not feel guilt over this, in fact, I am proud you stood up for yourself, not how I expected but you are at least growing up, learning to be independent." he smiled, Castiel pressed his lips into a thin line to hide the smile yet Michael could see it in his eyes.

"Thank you- and I apologise for causing you another problem, I know people think differently than you." He played with the cuffs of his coat, "And you always have to fix them because of me."

"Hey, I'm the big brother; it is my duty and I will not allow anyone to ruin the family's name." he smiled. "Do not worry, Castiel, go rest and take your medicine if you need it." Castiel nodded with a small smile. "Oh, and one more thing," the boy stopped to face his brother, "Thank you for defending Lucifer and I." he smirked; Castiel shook his head with a smile before he nodded.

He sat on the edge of his bed feeling his heart beat evenly but the flutter in his stomach would not cease; he was empty and hungry; not food, not sleep, not anything for his physical body and he knew what it was. He took a deep breath as he clenched his fists, proceeding to stand up and wrap his coat around his body. The halls of the house were empty, his siblings were perhaps interacting in another room because he could hear their voices, could hear Gabriel laughing as Lucifer cursed only to be scolded by Raphael because a child was in the room.

He closed the door quietly and was careful to walk around the house to not be seen from the window or Michael's office; and he began to walk away.

…~)*(~…

"My! How you two have grown!" he laughed as he wrapped his arms around the boys as tight as he could. "What fine young men you have, John." He glanced at his son, who stood by the door with Mary.

"Thank you, sir." He chuckled, "How was your trip, dad?" he wrapped an arm around his father's shoulders as they entered the house.

"Oh, it was wonderful, magnificent! I visited Library of Congress twice; it's splendour simply breathtaking, as if it were Heaven itself." He seemed lost in thought for a moment; John watched with fascination as Henry narrated his adventures throughout the states. Sam and Dean sat next to each other on the floor, staring up at their grandfather tell stories, new stories every time; it was one of the things they loved the most, the tales which they believed were possible, perhaps even true. They listened with intrigued interest as Henry told them how he once helped stop a demon from destroying the secret organization he was in and stealing the documents, he could work spells as easy as that, could kill anything with them.

"So, you're like Harry Potter?" Sam furrowed his brows in question as he waited for his grandfather to answer; Henry frowned slightly as he thought to himself.

"Harry Potter?" he tilted his head slightly.

"He's a wizard!" he added, Henry laughed with comprehension.

"I am no wizard, Sam, but close." He smiled; Sam's eyes twinkled with pride and happiness, he turned to Dean with a grin on his face and his brother smiled wide.

"We have the most awesome grandpa ever." He nodded proudly. John shifted in his seat as he rolled his eyes. "Don't worry, dad, you're awesome too." He added; John laughed as he shook his head.

Henry stood from his seat to walk towards the kitchen where Mary was checking on the roast in the oven. She wiped her hands on a towel resting on the counter and her eyes softened once she noticed her father-in-law walk through the door with a curious expression on his face. He glanced around the kitchen, taking in the scent of the roast, the mashed potatoes, the fresh baked bread and the apple pie; a smile crept upon his face as he walked towards the pie reaching towards it.

"Uh, uh, uh! No you don't." Mary took the pie in her hands away from Henry, "Last time you ate all the pie and had no room for the meal." She shook her finger; Henry sighed.

"You deny a slice of pie to an old man?" he chuckled as he stepped towards her; Mary placed the pie on the counter and smiled. "Look at you, Mary, still as beautiful as ever." he pressed his lips together with a smile, Mary shook her head grinning.

"Thank you, but flattery will not earn you a piece of pie before dinner." she rested her hand on her hip; Henry laughed.

"Very well, I shall wait until after dinner, but I did mean the compliment though." he smiled and turned to leave the kitchen with Mary following.

Dean was focused on the show playing on the television screen with Sam by his side, John still sat in the place he was before Henry left. He inserted his hands in his pockets as he glanced around the room, admiring the decorations John and Mary had chosen for their house; it was a pleasant place, warming, homey and love radiated from it. Mary sat next to her husband, leaving Henry standing by himself next to the boys; he glanced at the seat noticing a small device he had seen before and it made him curious. Examining it from every angle with his brows knit, he wondered what its purpose was, and accidentally pressed a button causing the screen to light up; he narrowed his eyes once he noticed the background image of Dean smiling as he lay on the grass with another boy seeming the same age as his grandson; they both smiled with innocence and happiness but there was something in their eyes he could not comprehend.

"What is this?" he glanced at the boys who turned to look at him.

"It's a mobile, you know, like a mini computer and a phone morphed into one." Dean responded; Henry nodded impressed.

"Who is this young man next to you?" he pointed at the screen; Dean swallowed hard before turning to look at his father and Mary. John shifted in his seat, clearing his throat and straightening his back and shoulders.

"That's Castiel, Castiel Novak." he gave his grandfather a small smile; Sam took his bottom lip between his teeth hoping the evening would not go unpleasant.

"Is Castiel your friend?"

"Uh, yeah." he nodded, "He is my best friend and my b-" the doorbell sounded before he could finish his sentence. The family in the room glanced at each other before John stood up to answer the door with Mary following. Dean and Sam stood up, turned the volume down from the television and stepped closer towards Henry, attempting to hear or see who was at the door.

"Dean." John called from his place as he moved aside to reveal a young man panting, his cheeks were flushed, his hair was messed from the wind and his eyes glassy.

"Cas." He whispered before walking to the door; Castiel smiled before wrapping his arms around the other boy. John and Mary disappeared, leaving the two teens alone; Henry and Sam stood next to each other with a small smile on his face but concerned on what his grandfather would say.

"What happened? Did you walk here?" he took the boy's face between his hands as he furrowed his brows in concern; Castiel nodded as he body trembled from the cold wind, though he doubted it was only from the cold.

"I- I needed to see you." he lowered his head in embarrassment, "I know your grandfather is visiting and I apologise for interrupting but I really needed to see you."

"Hey, it's okay. Come on, let's go inside." he wrapped an arm around Castiel's shoulders as the other boy timidly stepped further into the house just to encounter Henry staring at them curiously.

"You are Castiel?" Henry placed his index on his lips seeming pensive.

"Yes, sir." Castiel gave a small nod.

"It is nice to meet you, Castiel, I am Henry Winchester, Dean and Sam's grandfather." he extended his hand towards the boy who warily shook it.

"It is a pleasure to meet you as well, Mr. Winchester." he let his hand drop at his side. John and Mary stood by the door between the living room and the kitchen, waiting for Henry's reaction.

"Dean tells me you two are friends?" he narrowed his eyes as if implying the question they all expected.

"That is correct, sir." he replied confidently though his hands trembled at his sides.

"Grandpa, he is my best friend and, uh- my boyfriend." Dean interrupted before Henry could speak again; the man nodded slightly, glancing between the two boys back and forth. He was silent for a moment and the tension in the room only made Castiel even more anxious until he was at the verge of having a panic attack yet Dean held his hand as tightly as he could.

"You two are queer?" he tilted his head slightly.

"Dad!" John stepped forward. "Do not call the boys that word." Henry frowned slightly.

"I'm sorry, what is the right word?" he glanced at the boys then at his son noticing their defensive and displeased expressions on their faces, "I apologise, I did not intend to offend or harm you by the use of it." Castiel gave a small nod as he tried to take deep breaths and he was beginning to realise that perhaps he should not have escaped from home. "Are you boys happy together?" he lowered himself to their level; Dean squeezed Castiel's hand in assurance before he answered.

"Yes, sir, yes we are."

"Then I guess it is what matters." he gave the boys a small smile. John let out the breath he was holding and relaxed his position; Dean widened his eyes slightly as he stared at Henry with surprise as his body trembled from the nerves and his heart pounded in his head. Castiel leant against Dean to keep himself from falling to the floor, feeling his knees weak and his breathing sped up. "I have lived a long life, and all I wish for the Winchester family is to live happily. I will not be the one to decide who brings this happiness to each one of you, that is your decision." he glanced at John and Mary, then at Sam before turning back to the boys.

"Thank you, grandpa." Dean lowered his head to hide the smile from his lips.

"There is nothing to thank me for, boy." he chuckled. "Now, how about dinner? Is it ready? I want a slice of that pie." he rubbed his stomach with his right hand; everyone in the room laughed, including Castiel.

"Darling, should I call Michael to let him know you are here?" Mary called to Castiel from where she stood, the boy turned to look at her with an apologetic expression and nodded.

"Yes, please." he sighed hoping Michael would not unleash his wrath upon him later.

"How did you get here?" Dean held the boy's face between his hands as he stared into his eyes with concern.

"I walked. It is not far and I have done this before." he smiled gripping his coat tighter as the flutter in his stomach calmed.

"You are one crazy son-of-a-bitch." he laughed as he brought his lips closer to Castiel's.

"Aw, come on!" Sam scrunched his face with disgust, "I'm still in the room, you guys! Stop being gross." he stomped his foot; Dean raised his middle finger at Sam as he continued to kiss Castiel's lips. Sam shook his head with an eye roll as he turned to leave the room into the kitchen where the rest of the family was preparing the meal.

He was lost, oh so lost as he extended his wings above the clouds, his eyes closed as the cold air hit his face. He could feel the ice building on the surface of his skin but the warmth pressing against him, burning like furnace furiously gave him life. Everything was silent; no voices of strangers, no whispers travelling in the wind, no silence of the emptiness- only his silence with the lub-dub, lub-dub, lub-dub. His palms gently pressing against the other's as their fingers intertwined creating heat and humidity. His body shivered slightly at the gentle caress on his side sliding up to his ribs; he was drugged with the pleasant scent from the other boy's skin, the cleanliness of the sheets and the scent of the room as he buried his nose on the crook of Dean's neck. Castiel was falling, falling from the sky at a speed he could not comprehend yet, he felt safe because he knew that everything that falls has a landing place.. and his was Dean's arms.

Samandriel in the next chapter. Hopefully I update soon, as well as Stranger Than You Dream It. My Android tablet should be arriving this week which means I will have time at work to write something.

I hope you enjoyed this and thank you for reading (: