Chapter 36: Even as Far Apart as we Are

Renji sat cross-legged on the edge of the river, looking down into the dirty water that rushed past, his eyes still drying from a deluge of tears.

Damn…When Unohana taichou said that I would be overly emotional for a while, I thought she meant for a few days. But it's been a few weeks and only now I feel like I'm starting to be in some kind of control of myself again. I had no idea anything could make me feel like this…

He sighed softly and closed his aching eyes, his mind clear for the first time in days, and his heart feeling more barren than he ever remembered it feeling. As far back as he could remember, there had always been friends around him. In absence of family, his nakama had become his center.

From the very beginning, I knew that a family was an important thing. But I never had one. Instead, I attached myself to other lonely, abandoned kids, like me, who didn't have anyone to cling to. We made our own family. And out here on the streets of Inuzuri, we protected that family as best we could, while the world around us tried to take us away from each other. And slowly, but surely, our nakama was whittled down to just me and Rukia.

It was a miracle that we survived…

We left this place, still holding on to each other, and then Byakuya entered our lives and he took even that last anchor away. I hated him for that. For a really long time, I hated him and I wanted more than anything to surpass him so that I could fight to reclaim what he stole from me. But even while I plotted and waited, my heart reached out to others…to Ikkaku, Yumichika, Rikichi. I kept trying to fill that space inside me, where my family should have been. I made a lot of good friends. And when Rukia came back into my life again, our fight to keep her alive connected me with a new nakama. And I wouldn't give it up for all the worlds.

But as strange as it seems, Byakuya…the one who stole my last anchor…who ripped away all of my supports and let me fall down hard, he was the one. He chose me out of a sea of applicants to be his fukutaichou. He drove me crazy, constantly pushing me to be better than I was. He pulled me out of my comfort zone and challenged me to think differently. And even if it was just a stupid accident, he gave me my first taste of what I'd dreamed of all my life.

He made me really understand what a family is…and how it feels to be part of one.

Sure, the Kuchiki clan might be the most stuffy, anal bunch I've ever met, but when I got pregnant with Hiroki, they welcomed me and made me one of their own. Maybe they didn't approve of how the heir was made and how I was a peasant, but that being said, once it was clear I was pregnant, they let go of their arguments and made me feel like one of them. They were always kind, even when they were having to annoy me with the rules and ways of the clan. At the time, I didn't see what a gift that was.

Because as annoying as they could be, when I married Byakuya, those people became my family. And they honored the fact that we were connected…always.

It's interesting though. When we lost Hiroki, I turned away and ran from them. I thought that I was doing Byakuya a favor, that I was releasing him from the burden of future attempts at having kids…but I was really just freeing myself of obligation. All of a sudden, I saw those people who had been so kind to me as a weight, because I felt guilty for losing their heir.

But he wasn't just their heir, he was our son…Byakuya's and mine. And he was a loved member of the family that had gathered around me and waited for him. He was also connected to my nakama. A lot of people were hurting over his death. It wasn't just me. And because we were family and friends, we should have stuck together. That's what I would have done before.

I don't know what happened…

For some reason, when Hiroki died, I felt the weight of that loss and looked closely at myself. I looked at how being a member of that family and bearing their heir made me vulnerable…and I didn't want to feel vulnerable and weak.

I wanted to find myself. I wanted to make myself strong again. But coming back here and drowning myself in sake wasn't the answer. The truth is…it wasn't Inuzuri that made me strong, it was the struggle to survive and to grow stronger.

Coming back here didn't do shit for me, because all I did was drink, cry, fight a few meaningless battles and let the pain run its course. I didn't do anything to make myself stronger. I get that now.

But if the answer isn't here, then where is it?

If I can't connect with the person I was by coming here, then what am I supposed to do now?

How do I make myself strong again?

I don't know what to do…

What do I do now?

XXXXXXXXXX

Byakuya knelt beneath a sakura tree, enjoying the soft breezes and the gentle fall of petals all around him. Out of the corner of one eye, he watched as Tomio held a very pregnant and deeply sleeping Tetsuya, his softly glowing hands moving in slow circles over Tetsuya's rounded belly. He felt a lovely warmth inside him, watching the two, that he hadn't felt for some time.

Even after everything, there is still great beauty around me…and abundance of gifts. I have family and friends, and good things in my life, even as I am threatened with coming to the end of my own days. I do not feel illness or pain, just the slow seeping away of power and life. I am not afraid, but…

I am restless.

There is something I've left undone…someone with whom I have unresolved issues…

The time for coming to resolution is slowly counting down. I know I should go, but I am uncertain. Renji is alive and not in immediate danger, and Arashi is watching him. But he has taken a heavy loss, and may not be ready to be burdened with another so soon.

I don't know what is the 'right' thing to do…for me? For Renji?

What do I do?

XXXXXXXXXX

I'm cold…

Renji shivered, even wrapped as he was in the folds of the thick cloak that Byakuya had given him, and covered in every sheet, blanket and bit of cloth he could find. He still shivered and his teeth chattered. His body ached all over and a strange dullness had settled over his mind.

Ugh…I remember this.

So…cold…

"R-rukia…" he moaned deliriously.

Then he remembered them leaving Inuzuri…going to the shinigami academy…bracing Byakuya in a battle for Rukia's life. His mind wandered over how it had all come down to the battle on top of Sokyoku Hill, where he and Byakuya had both found themselves suddenly fighting for a common cause. Renji's eyes drifted closed and he returned to that place.

He walked across Sokyoku Hill and past Ichigo's fallen form that was being healed by Inoue Orhime, past his own bloodied, unconscious body, and over to where Rukia knelt, holding Byakuya's pale hand, and listening to him explain…about Hisana, about why he had felt obligated to support her execution…how his mistakes had led to disaster. He finished speaking and fell silent, his dark eyes closing as Rukia held his hand and cried. He moved closer and knelt across from Rukia, looking down at his bloodied and barely conscious taichou. Byakuya's head turned slowly, and his pained, fevered eyes came to rest on Renji.

"R-renji?" he whispered.

He reached out a trembling hand, and the fingers were ice cold and sent hard shivers through him.

"Renji?" Byakuya called, more urgently, "Renji!"

"B-Bya…" Renji groaned dizzily, rolling onto his stomach and crawling in the direction where he thought the voice had come from.

He was surprised at hearing a soft, scuffling noise, then felt the touch of a soft, equine muzzle on his cheek. He opened his eyes, blinking until the image came into focus.

"Ah…ah…Arashi?" he managed, his teeth chattering as the stallion nudged closer, "H-how did you even…get…get in here?"

He managed a shaky laugh.

"Horses d-don't c-crawl into c-caves, baka!" he stammered, sighing in relief as the heat of the stallion's body reached him.

Arashi's head turned and the stallion gave him a look of gentle reproach. He nipped at Renji's hair and the redhead heard his soft voice in his head.

Sleep. I will stay.

He was so awfully tired, and it felt so good to be warmer, and not alone. He pressed up against the stallion and let himself fall away, losing himself in restorative sleep. But even in the depths of that sleep, Byakuya's voice still reached him.

Renji?

Renji…

Don't leave me…

His mind spun, and in the back of Renji's mind, he began to worry that he might not surface again. He knew he should feel the weight of Arashi against him, but he had ceased to feel his body, and now seemed to float somewhere beyond it. He panicked then, trying desperately to reconnect, but finding himself unable. He started to spin out of control, but was suddenly calmed by a thin shaft of memory.

You said you love me…and then you showed me how much you love me."

"Actually," Byakuya said, his lips curving upward, "I had only begun to express the full depths of what I feel for you, Renji."

Renji's smile widened and the reiatsu cluster pulsed softly inside him.

"But," Byakuya went on, "It is going to take a very long time to express such a thing in all of its shadings and complexity, maybe years, maybe hundreds of years…"

Renji looked around and shook his head.

"I'm not going anywhere," he answered, surrendering to a sweet storm of kisses.

"And I am not going anywhere either," Byakuya promised, "I love you. I love you and I entrust my heart to you. I am going to try very hard not to disappoint you, Renji."

Renji's eyes misted and he touched the warm lips that had been kissing him.

"You could never disappoint me, Byakuya. Because, I love you too. And I'll try hard to show you that…every day, for as long as it takes, even if it does take hundreds of years."

"Then, I think things will be all right now," Byakuya said, sighing and resting his head on Renji's shoulder.

"B-bya…" Renji groaned.

Arashi turned his head and looked down at the sick shinigami, extending his senses.

Renji?

Arashi's eyes widened at finding himself unable to connect with the redhead's muddled mind. His nostrils flared softly, and his ears perked and rotated towards the cave entrance. He left Renji's side and crawled back out of the cave. Climbing to his feet, he turned towards the Seireitei and flash stepped homeward.

XXXXXXXXXX

"Sumimasen, Kuchiki taichou," said Hanatarou's voice from behind him, "Unohana taichou sent me to give you your treatment and to check your progress."

"Of course," said the noble, nodding, "Go ahead."

His mind drifted as he shifted so that his back was against the sakura tree and Hanatarou opened his yukata and set about his healing.

"Have you noticed any changes in your powers since the last treatment?" asked Hanatarou.

"No," said the noble calmly, "I am still able to manage moderate use of kido and occasional use of my shikai. It leaves me weary, but I do not have any pain."

"Are you uncomfortable at all the rest of the time?"

"No. In fact, I cannot tell there is any problem at all, except that my powers are slowly weakening."

"But they have stabilized some since the last treatment?"

"Yes. I feel like they are staying the same," Byakuya said, looking out over the meadow.

"And it seems that your spiritual pressure has stabilized. The treatments appear to be doing their job. Unohana taichou says that if they remain stable, then she will authorize your return to limited non-combat duty."

"That is good," acknowledged Byakuya, "The sixth division has been essentially without leadership for months now. I cannot imagine how much catching up I'll have to do upon my return. But…thank you, Hanatarou."

"You are welcome, Kuchiki taichou."

The healer rose and turned to go, then stopped and looked back at him.

"Have you told anyone yet?" he asked softly.

"No," Byakuya replied quietly, "I am not ready for that yet. Soon."

"Well, there is more time, now that you are stabilized. Just…Kuchiki taichou, you must take care of yourself. Your systems are in a precarious balance."

"I understand. Thank you, Hanatarou."

"Good day, Kuchiki taichou," Hanatarou said, bowing and turning to leave.

"Is everything all right?" Tetsuya asked, opening one blue eye and turning it in Byakuya's direction.

"I am better," Byakuya told him, "Hanatarou says that I have stabilized. I will be returned to duty soon."

"That is good," said Tetsuya, looking relieved, "I must admit, I am unnerved about giving birth, Nii-sama. I know it is not supposed to be as taxing as a human birth, but then, I was different in how I conceived. I worry I might also be different in other ways."

Byakuya moved over to where Tomio and Tetsuya sat and laid a gentle hand on his brother's abdomen. He smiled at the soft movement, and the pleased look it brought to Tetsuya's serene features.

"You have nothing to worry about," he assured Tetsuya, "Unohana taichou has assured you that your baby is developing perfectly. And you are in good health. Do not worry. Let your mind be at ease and enjoy these last days of bonding before your child arrives."

"Ah…" said Tetsuya uncertainly, "Then, we have a whole new reason to be nervous. I have read everything I can and asked all of the questions I could think of…but the reality of someone so small depending on us like that…"

Byakuya smiled.

"You and Tomio will manage."

"And I'll have you as well, ne? This baby already loves you, Nii-sama. I feel it in the movement inside me when you touch me or speak when you are near me."

"And that love is returned in full," said Byakuya, "But I must excuse myself. I have some things to attend to before we meet for dinner."

"We will see you at dinner then," Tetsuya said, closing his eyes and sinking back against Tomio again.

Byakuya walked slowly back along the forest trail, his mind returning to the question that seemed to plague him constantly.

What is the right thing to do?

For my family?

For Renji?

For me?

I do not know anymore. The promise of life inside my brother makes me want to go ahead with the search for a donor, so that I can perhaps be fully healed. But if I do that now and have the procedure soon, I would be incapacitated for a time…and if Arashi should return and Renji should need me…

And maybe, what I should be doing is going to Renji now, seeing how he is coping, helping him and letting him help me figure out what to do. Or would it be too much to ask of him? Is it selfishness to want him to know? To want him to hold me for a bit and tell me that we'll figure out what to do? Is he even in a state to do that, or is he still in terrible pain, and I would just be adding more?

I don't know.

I just don't know.

I don't know what to do.

He reached the gardens and crossed them to return to his bedroom, where he sat down on the bed and picked up Renji's pillow. He could barely catch Renji's scent, but he breathed it in deeply, his heart aching to hear the voice and see the handsome face that went along with that scent.

There is a strength inside me now that I didn't have before. It is something that grew out of being with you, Renji. I was broken inside when I lost Hisana and Koichi, but you helped me to mend. And now…

Now?

He shook his head and narrowed his eyes, like one coming out of a nightmare.

"What was I thinking?" he whispered, "I've been so stupid. Renji…"

He bit his lip for a moment, thinking, then got up from the bed and walked into the dressing area. He parted the elegant clothes, seeking that place in the back, where an old, worn yukata laid folded. He picked it up and returned to the dressing area, replacing his clothes with the worn yukata. He started to leave the room to prepare a pack to take with him, but froze as a sharp neigh sounded outside of his bedroom. He ran to the garden doors as the stallion cleared the back fence and raced towards him. Tetsuya appeared outside the room and tried to calm the stallion, but as Byakuya appeared, Arashi trumpeted again, and without a thought, Byakuya was on his back and turning the stallion. He looked down at Tetsuya, who stood, holding a hand to his swollen abdomen, and looking up at him.

"I leave responsibility for our family in your hands, Otouto," Byakuya said breathlessly, "I name you interim clan leader, until my return!"

"Kami watch over you…" Tetsuya said, watching as Byakuya lowered himself against the stallion's back and Arashi flash stepped away.