Severus

I am having tea with Severus. Muggle books are sprawled over the table. "If you still want to learn more about muggles and you are not too busy," Severus drawls. "You could read these books. They are study books for children. Basic history, some other subjects like biology, math, physics. A few very famous muggle stories."

I quickly pack them in my back. "Thanks," I say gratefully.

Severus does not look very interested to talk about muggles though. "You can ask me if you have any questions about them. If you're done with them and you still want to know more, tell me."

I nod. "Why did you do that?" I then blurt out. It was a thought that had been drifting through my mind the past days.

Severus frowns. "Do what exactly?"

"That lesson you took over for professor Lupin," I reply, "You let us study werewolves. Everyone could have found out. You could have him fired! You could get fired by Dumbledore."

Severus looks highly amused. "Dumbledore is not going to fire me. He might have been severely unimpressed, but he wants me to teach potions."

I frown. "You don't want to teach?"

Severus stares at me. "I already told you." He grits his teeth.

I nod. "But you want to teach defence against the dark arts.."

"I do," Severus clarifies.

"All defence against dark arts teachers have quitted after one year," I note. "They say the position is cursed."

Severus raises his left eyebrow, as if to say: what if they did. "As they did when I went to school."

I sigh. "You're a horrible teacher. Surely, there must be hundred of other candidates for your position, unlike defence. He should be exhilarated you want that position."

Severus shifts his pose. "I'm flattered, Draco."

I ponder. "Do you think Dumbledore is in love with you and wants to keep you close?"

Severus seems to find this hilarious. "Dumbledore and I have an intricate relationship, Draco. We are not in love. I cannot tell you why I teach or why Dumbledore keeps me around, so stop asking me."

I sigh. "But you hate it. Don't you resent it that you are forced to do something you hate every day?"

"Many people don't like their jobs, Draco," Severus then says. "Without Dumbledore, I wouldn't even have the freedom of what to do in my free time, which you know I do enjoy. We would have not had the opportunity to spend time together, nor would I enjoy the company of your parents."

I frown.

Severus changes the topic. "I heard you went to Hogsmead with Pansy."

"Well," I answer, "With who else had you expected me to go."

"I meant as a date," Severus says.

I blush. "I guess so." I then collect myself. "I didn't know you were into gossip."

Severus takes a sip of his tea. "Do not be silly, Draco. I would not emerge myself in something like gossip. If you wouldn't want everyone to know, you should not be so obvious about it."

I blush. Then a new thought crosses my mind. "Severus, have you ever been in love?"

"Of course I've been. I am not a man of stone," Severus snaps. Clearly uncomfortable. "Things do not always work out."

I nod. "I'm sorry."

"Don't be," Severus says. "I was lucky to know her."

I feel surprised. There were so many things I had never thought to ask Severus. "Were you long together?"

Severus seems to grow annoyed. "I was young. Foolish. We never had a chance." He then quickly stands up. "I have to mark some papers."

I don't know what to say to that, but I don't have to as he already seems to leave the room. I couldn't find a more private man than my godfather, I was sure.

Snow

The last days it had gotten colder. The first snow was falling as I walked with Pansy on the grounds. "You've been absent these past few days," she notes.

I look at her confused. "We have been spending a lot of time together."

She rolls her eyes at me. "I know. You've been absent in thoughts. Like something is bothering you. Anything on your mind?"

I thought of my parents and Lupin and Black and Ginny and Buckbeak and the dementors. A lot of things were going on. "No, nothing," I say.

She gives me an annoyed look.

"It is really quite beautiful," I then say, looking at the snow around us.

"And cold," Pansy softly says. "Absurdly cold." She laughs.

"And cold," I softly agree with her as a particular strong icy breeze sends a chill down my spine. We listen to the wind roar for a few minutes side by side and for that moment that is just fine.

Pansy shifts her body away from me. I hadn't even noticed I had pulled her against me. "You've been quiet the last few days and that's fine. But there is something on your mind and you are not telling me."

I sigh. Pansy had been my friend for a really long time. She knew me. "You are right."

"And you're still not going to tell me," she softly accuses me.

It felt unfair. I had never felt comfortable sharing something that bothered me if I had not yet solved it in my mind, after that, I'd gladly tell her.

I would tell her all about all my worries about a werewolf and possible aid of a mass murderer, when I found out what I should think about Lupin. So probably after he killed Potter or Black.

I would tell her all about Ginny and her troubles with the dementors if it was solved, but it wasn't. I'd tell her about Buckbeak and how he'd probably get beheaded and how there was nothing to be done. But what did it matter? I hardly liked magical creatures. Sure, it did not deserve to die, but why would I care. Why did I care.

I could tell her about my parents and how strange it all felt this summer. I was sure they loved each other, but it all had seemed so tentative when we had finally all spend time together.

I could tell her about taking muggle studies and talking to Dobby and feeling like I was not quite sure about anything.

I could tell her how I hated sharing classes with Granger and I'd suddenly felt this urge to say horrible things to her. To belittle her for how smart she was, worse how eager she was in classes. How I sometimes wanted to call her a mudblood. How much I hated it if Pansy would belittle how another girl looked. Because it bothered me. Because hearing Pansy utter such words felt like looking in a mirror.

And I did not like that mirror-image. Because that image was insecurity. And Malfoys weren't insecure.

Malfoys were special. They were influential. They were privileged. They were better than everyone. Mudbloods were nothing compared to them!

But I was not like that. I was mostly privileged. Really privileged. That was all. When I was younger I had fancied myself as a smart boy. I loved reading. I loved tattling on about potions. I liked how it made Severus smile. I loved how proud it would make my parents. And then I went to Hogwarts. It hit me like that smack from Granger.

And then I look up and I see Pansy's hurt face.

At that moment I could have told her any of these things. Or I could have told her somethings else. Like, I could have told her how I'd never really opened up to people other than mother, father and Severus. How she was my first friend. How much it had meant to hang out and just talk. How that meant the world to me, even if it seemed so small and unimportant. How easy it felt to take on a cold demeanour, like they did, except when it was just us.

How hard it was to let that cold demeanour drop, to share what went on inside.

I could have told her. I should have. I looked up and Pansy was gone. I had realised we had a long and in a girl's eye romantic walk and then I had just grown moody and silent and reluctant to open up.

Later she told me she wasn't angry. It was fine. I could have my secrets. It reminded me of when Severus said things didn't always work out. It didn't feel fine, but I just pushed the feeling away.