First things first… there was a bit of a misunderstanding about the shrine in the last chapter. Some people thought that there was a crack in the shrine as in it was broken… what I was trying to say was the door was cracked as in open and Tomoe was looking outside. Nothing's broken or breaking, it was just the door being open. I fixed and reposted the chapter, and I apologize for the confusion. Read on.
Disclaimer: You see, it's like this… I only thought to borrow them…
Chapter 35: Transient Revelations
Soft and pink the small glass petal glowed, shining like a beacon in the darkness, captivating his attention. It was bright, blinding, and warm… but coldness seeped into his heart the longer he stared. The necklace he had so painstakingly created for her was being given back. Kaoru was leaving.
"I don't want it anymore."
Eyes finally drawn from the dangling bauble, Kenshin focused the wide golden depths on her face. He felt so numb. A part of him was already dying. "Why?" Voice barely more than a breath of air, he ignored the persistent hand offering his gift back.
"I don't belong here. I don't belong with you. I never really loved you, Kenshin. I just felt sorry for you. But I can't pretend anymore. Your appearance disgusts me, your manner is frustrating, and I could never forgive your past. Father said it is part of my discipline to try, but who could ever forgive you for what you've done? You murdered innocent people, and I think this curse is far too lenient a punishment."
"But…" Swallowing with difficulty, Kenshin tried to argue in desperation. "you were always so earnest and sincere. What you're saying cannot be true. Your tears, they were not fake. They could not have been. And the trust in your eyes? You cannot tell me that was a façade."
"No? Really, Kenshin, you are so easily fooled. You know so little of feminine wiles."
Knowing their was truth in her words, he could feel defeat moving in, the denial in his heart too weak and fragile to stand up against his worst fears. Eyes drifting away from her, he stared once more at the still suspended necklace. "Why? Why would you go through so much trouble? You could not have felt that sorry for me."
She shrugged. "Why not? You were threatening my father. I had to make sure he was safe, and after awhile I began to think that perhaps it wouldn't be so bad living here. After all, it is a palace, and you have so many servants to wait on me hand and foot. Of course they're all a bunch of disgusting animals, but I thought I could overlook that. Especially since I got to wear such beautiful and exquisite kimono. It seemed like a perfect way to live, and I'd never have to work another day in my life or worry about going hungry." She shrugged again. "I thought I could put up with all your flaws if it meant living this comfortably, but… I can't." The way she said it was so nonchalant.
"You can't." Echoing her numbly, he let his eyes fall closed.
"Who could? Come on, Kenshin, be realistic. Who could ever love you?"
"You're right." Utterly crushed, he whispered in pained agreement. "No one could ever love me. No one…"
"Good." Her voice sounded pleased that he finally understood. "Now take this ugly thing off my hands so I can go home already."
Gasping shakily for breath, he opened his eyes and extended both palms out to accept the necklace. Dropping the chain as if it were repulsive, she turned before it even had the chance to settle completely against the red of his skin. Brows quivering to hold back his emotion, his clawed fingers convulsed around the delicate necklace, creating a bowl around its crumpled form. A moment later the pink glass petal flashed white, and he was suddenly blinded. When his sight returned, he stared dazedly down at a different pair of hands holding the now blackened trinket.
They were pale, even, except for a few hardened calluses, and they responded to his surprise when he tensed. Trembling in shocked understanding, he brought one hand quickly to his face, running the pads of his fingers up his smooth skin and into his hair, searching but not finding the small horns there. The truth was slow to accept, but when it did, he was looking up, his voice calling after the woman who wished to leave because she found him disgusting.
"Kaoru-dono!" Eyes darting to and fro, he fruitlessly searched the surrounding darkness. "Kaoru-dono, come back! It's gone! The curse is gone! I'm normal again!" Voice echoing hollowly, he frowned, his breathing rapid in anxiety. "Please come back. I'll try again. I'll be what you want this time. Just don't leave. Please don't leave."
X
When Kenshin came awake he found his eyes were already open, staring sightlessly across the mattress under his cheek. The rhythm of his heartbeat was out of control, pumping adrenaline through his veins and into his brain, calling for action, though he was lost to what kind. Every muscle tense as his lungs tried to keep up with his heart, it took several long seconds before he was able to gain control of his faculties. It took much longer for the adrenaline to leave.
Panting and sweaty, his breathing almost back to normal, he closed his eyes. Submerged in sudden darkness, he was unable to ignore the emotions building up within him; the anxiety that was twisting his insides to the point of pain. The dream… it was everything he had ever feared hearing from his lady. It was everything he feared she thought already. Shivering violently, he shifted so that his face pressed firmly into the mattress, an old habit from his younger years forcing him to conceal his turmoil in fear of punishment. Fists and jaw clenching, he fought the drowning acceptance of fallacy with his own wavering notions of reality.
It was just a dream. It was not real. It was only a reflection of fear. Kaoru is not that way. She is loving and kind and fierce… not deceptive and greedy and conceited. She cares for you… she has done so much to prove that she does. She has even admitted to loving you. Would she laugh with you if she found you frustrating? Would she argue with you if she did not care for your well-being? Would she kiss you if she found you disgusting?
Reality was becoming firmer as he reminded himself of their past interactions, and with the sharpening of his waking world the harshness of his own mental vices faded. Opening his eyes once more, he took a deep breath, the mattress coming back into focus. Another surety. I am sleeping in this futon because of Kaoru and her own worry for me. After their baths and supper, Kaoru had questioned Megumi as she had said she would, and the physician had indeed been in the possession of a set of massage stones. Soon afterwards he had found himself lying face down in his room, the top half of his yukata bunched around the tie at his waist, and letting the hot stones heat out the tension in his back. Megumi had sat on one side, instructing Kaoru on what to do, Kaoru had been on the other, soothingly brushing his hair as they let the stones do their job. Kenshin had fallen asleep before they had even had the chance to exchange the hot stones for chilled ones.
Experimentally sitting up, Kenshin rolled his shoulders, surprised and pleased to find that his muscles were free of pain. As he sat back on his feet, his knees spread, the blanket that had been draped over his shoulders dropped to the floor. They must have continued the process after he had fallen asleep. Briefly he was thankful Megumi was there the entire time.
She loves you. She has said so… you have seen so… there is nothing to question.
Even as his dream became less and less real to his mind, his heart still quivered in fear. Fear of her rejection. Fear of her deception. She had said such horrible things, such truthful things. What if… what if he was wrong? No. Kaoru did not say those things. It was only a dream. Kaoru is good. But what did he know about women? He was so inexperienced. The only example of a lady he truly had was his mother, and she had hidden much from his father. It had all been for the safety of her son, but she was still forced to be deceptive. Forced or not, however, Kinuko had shown she was greatly adept at it. Was it only because she was afraid for her child… or was it because she was a woman?
Standing angrily, he paced back and forth around his room, arguing with himself; trying to convince his heart to be calm. So much had happened the day before, there was no reason for his doubt and unease. The two of them were closer than ever, were sharing more and more with each other, solidifying their bond. She made him feel so much he thought at times he was losing his mind, his focus scattered as he tried to process everything at once. It was exhilarating, confusing, but most of all… relieving. Not just because she had proven that he was capable of more than he had ever thought possible, but because he now understood what it all meant. Two people in love usually wanted to stay together. She would stay with him, because she was in love with him.
But Kaoru is not bound by this curse. She could easily have a life not affected by its restrictions. She may love you, but would she not be better off with someone who could grow old with her? Someone that would be able to give her a family? She is the only child of her father's bloodline. What would happen to his school if she were to forego bearing any children just to stay with you? You may be willing to overlook all of this, but is she? Do you think she has even thought about it? What will happen when she does? Do you think she will stay? Or will she leave? Leave like everyone else in your life, abandoning you to this empty, maddening solitude? What would you do if she did?
"Stop it." Pleading, he leaned his forehead into a wall. "She'll stay. I know she'll stay." The words were shaky and unconvincing, his doubts feeding off his insecurity. It was so much easier to believe in the love she spoke of when she was near him. So much easier when she was in his arms. It seemed unfair that yesterday he was a part of that security and thinking nothing of these deceptive reservations and just hours later he was questioning their entire relationship. Did she ever feel this way, too? He doubted it. Kaoru was always sure about her actions. Sure enough to comfort him into forgetting his own indecisiveness.
I hate this feeling. I don't want to feel this way about her. I don't want to think the worst. It's wrong. I want to feel like I did with her yesterday: watching her laugh in the cherry grove; wiping at her tears born of love; kissing her soft, full lips. Nothing mattered then but her, nothing had the chance to make me doubt.
A sudden, crippling emptiness filled him and he felt so incredibly heavy: achy. He wanted her back in his arms, he needed for her to be there. Just an embrace, just her presence soothing his. It would alleviate all of his worries, like a panacea for his troubled heart. Briefly he fought the notion with arguments of impropriety, but he could not dispute his reasons. They were innocent enough. All he needed was reassurance. Kaoru gave him that and still more.
Shrugging into his yukata, he ignored the untied flap at the back and slid open the shoji to his room, stepping down into the surrounding hall. Pushing open the outer tsumado showed that it was still raining, a relentless barrage of stinging droplets curtaining the open air. It was early, as well. Really early. Only the guard patrol and the kitchen staff would be up this early. If Kenshin was careful enough, no one would catch him entering or leaving Kaoru's pavilion. Such a happening would cause a harmful misunderstanding of his intentions if he were seen.
The breeze was chilly with moisture, and he was glad the walk was short between Kaoru's pavilion and his. Steps hurried and light, he slipped quickly into the hall of her pavilion, a strange swell of urgency dampening his hesitance. That feeling did not return until he was standing completely within her room, staring down at her peacefully sleeping figure. It was so dark he could only see the vague shape of her body covered by a blanket, but he could smell her easily enough. Like the after-scent of her soap in the bathhouse, only it was stronger here. Perhaps because there was no other scent to contest it. Suddenly uncomfortable, he doubted his presence in her rooms.
It was the darkness, he realized. It made it easy to hide: his intentions; his feelings; his thoughts. Such concealment made him too relaxed in his indecency and brought forward wants that seemed harmless enough at first, but were just a doorway to temptation. The very reason he had decided to only spend time alone with Kaoru when the situation was safe. This situation was not as safe as he had originally convinced himself it would be. Wishing to use her presence to assuage his fears was fine, but alone like this, in her room, so early in the morning… such emotional turmoil was not stable. Holding her here would not be safe.
But I don't want to leave. I've accomplished nothing. Seeing her isn't enough. I still feel doubt, I still feel edgy and anxious. Closing his eyes to steady his unrest, her words from the dream echoed in his head, twisting at his chest. I need the solid reassurance of her blithely in my arms. I'll take her somewhere safe.
Movements careful, he gathered her, blanket and all, into his arms. Lost in deep sleep, she didn't notice nor did she seem to care about the change in her cushion, her head tilting limply into his shoulder. Pleased that he had not disturbed her, he turned to the doorway and carried her out.
The chill outside pulled the first reaction from her, her body instinctively seeking out warmth as she curled into him. Again he doubted himself and his actions. It was selfish of him to do this. Frowning, he glanced at her face, her features clearer now that they were in a place with slightly more light. Something like this wouldn't make her change her mind… would it? If she loves me… She stirred, a pout forming on her lips as she murmured sleepily. "Tha's cheading… jees, Ken-shi…" A moment later the pout disappeared, replaced by a brief smile, "…stop…," before she relaxed once more, pulled deeper into her dream.
She dreams of me? The cold and disquiet in his heart warmed instantly, and he closed his eyes in relief. Not even awake and she was giving him what he needed.
A short walk took them to the covered, open platform just south of her eastern pavilion, its veranda bordering the main courtyard. The pond was an agitated surface of ripples and splashes, its murky depths churning as the rain beat down on it relentlessly. It was a strangely soothing noise, a shivering hiss that rarely changed tempo or tone. Settling himself down against one of the posts opposite the direction of wind, Kenshin adjusted Kaoru so that she rested in his lap; secure, warm, and sill very much unconscious. Sighing in shaky contentment, he leaned his head back and closed his eyes, willing himself to appreciate every beautiful aspect of his surroundings to mollify his heart and mind.
The noise in his ears was calming: Kaoru's soft breathing; the drone of rain as it hit the roof, the ground, the pond; his own breathing, a louder, slightly quicker pace than hers. A deep breath pulled in through his nose. The fragrance in the air was alluring: the refreshing tang of moisture; wet dirt; moist plant life; damp wood; jasmine soap. Tightening his arms, her form became more distinct through the thick layer of blanket. The feel of her against him was welcoming: the gentle curve of her skull resting against his neck and shoulder; her legs draped over his; how her ribs pushed into him and then away; how he knew for certain that she was there and no where else. Parting his lashes, he looked down at her. The overwhelming beauty of everything in his sight was almost unbearable, and it wasn't just her physical beauty, but the wonder of her being there at all.
Lifting the hand resting lightly on her knees, he tentatively touched her relaxed face, tracing the invisible track her tears liked to follow. Fingers slipping below her chin, he cradled her jaw between thumb and forefinger, tilting her head back so he could look on her better. Eyes traveling lazily over her features, he tried to avoid the urging insistence he felt to focus on her lips, but it was a losing battle. Taste was the only sense he had yet to appreciate, and he already knew what she tasted of. Pure, sweet emotion. Knowing, however, only made it harder to resist.
No longer trapped in a world of confusion and doubt, he felt peaceful once more with their relationship. Nothing had changed, his dream was not something he needed to worry over, and he knew without needing to rationalize that Kaoru loved him. Caught now in a different bubble of emotion, he braced his thumb under her chin and curled the rest of his fingers around the side of her neck. Holding her had brought him back to the astonishing reality they had created together. Now he wanted to kiss her and remember a place far removed from real life. A place more like paradise.
It was amazing how easy one small thing liked to lead to another.
"I trust you, Kenshin." Frowning, he paused, his face pressed close to hers. This was not a suitable show of respect for the trust she had given him so easily. He needed to contain himself. Brushing the black claw on his thumb lightly across her bottom lip, his frown softened into a look of yearning. Still… the urge was overwhelming, but it wouldn't be exactly consensual if he did, and they had only just introduced the intimacy into their relationship yesterday.
Reluctantly he pulled back, but ran his thumbnail one last time along her lip in longing, wishing she were awake. Hopeful thoughts affecting his actions, her eyelashes fluttered in response to his unconsciously forceful touch. Breath catching in her throat, he knew she was awake the moment she started breathing through her nose instead of her mouth. Sitting up all the way so she wouldn't be startled, he watched fearfully as her eyes opened enough to see how his desires had relocated her.
At first she merely blinked, then slightly jerked as if she had only just woken up, but she quickly relaxed, her eyes focusing blearily on his face.
"Good-morning."
She smiled sleepily in response to his whispered greeting.
"'Morning." Yawning, she burrowed herself a little further into his arms. "Why's it so clammy?"
Brows furrowing in worry, he tucked the blanket more firmly around her. "We're outside. Are you cold?"
"Nah… it's not bad. You're warm." Her nose pushed into the hollow of his shoulder, and he could feel the chill from her exposed skin seep through his clothing. "What are we doing outside anyway?"
"I…" Swallowing, he looked away. "I woke up and just… wanted to hold you again. That's all."
Finally perceptive enough to see more than just her immediate focus, she recognized where they were. "You didn't have to bring me out here to do that. Really, Kenshin. We could've stayed in my room." Chastising him affectionately, she still smiled, pleased by his confession.
Slowly his head shook. "That would have been very improper, Kaoru-dono. I should not have even entered your room while you were sleeping. This was the only way I could think of to protect you and still get to hold you." She rolled her eyes at him, and it brought a smile to his lips. "Perhaps I thought it might be nice to watch the sunrise, as well."
"Kenshin…" Raising an eyebrow, she laughed. "It's raining."
"So it is." Chuckling with her, he smoothed back her bangs.
"My crazy Lord Himura… you are just too sweet. I love that about you." Sighing happily, she closed her eyes and enjoyed his touch, his fingers pausing momentarily at her address.
"I have never heard you use that name, my lady."
Shrugging, she spoke dismissively. "I like using Kenshin better. It's more personal and it makes me feel special." Looking up at the small frown marring his face, she felt a moment of regret. "I didn't mean to upset you. I won't use your surname again if you don't want me to."
Thoughtfully deciphering his reaction, he shook his head. "No… do not worry, my lady. Perhaps hearing you say it will make me dislike it less."
Relaxing once again against his chest, Kaoru shifted under the blanket to bring her hands closer to her face. "Not that it matters, but… I like your name. Your whole name." Yawning, she turned her nose into his collarbone. "I think I'll use it more often from now on, since you said it's okay."
"Is that right?" Amused, his annoyance melted away.
"Mmm." Noncommittal, he felt her body sag in his arms, sleep still wishing to claim her back into the land of dreams. Hiding his vulnerable expression in her hair, his voice lowered.
"You may address me however you wish, my lady, whether you have permission or not. Whatever will make you happy, will make me happy."
"Hmm." Dozing and unable to rouse herself enough to reply intelligibly, she mumbled, her lips brushing his yukata material. "I like 'Kenshin' best."
The sky was getting lighter as Kaoru slipped back into a light sleep, but the rain did not let up. Shivering once, he hugged her a bit tighter, the exposed skin of his back uncomfortable. Even still, he was happy, and there seemed to be no end to the emotion. Every new moment they shared he thought he could never be any happier, but then the next moment would come along and prove him wrong. Although this adventure's original purpose was for reassurance only, she always succeeded in surprising him. He was getting his reassurance and a nice bonus as well.
Just her presence had calmed him; learning that she dreamed of him as well had lessened his agitation. It was amazing how the small, insignificant details were what helped him to understand that what he was experiencing was real. Hearing that she loved him was great, but most of the time it was the words that seemed to add less meaning to their conversations that pleased him. Sometimes it was what she didn't say at all. It was also the way she so easily recognized his insecurities and then effortlessly destroyed them. Or perhaps it wasn't recognition but just coincidence, he could not say for sure. Perhaps it was only his own influence that hinted at what was wrong. His own thoughts reflecting themselves into his voice and feelings and she automatically responded to alleviate his woes. Was this what it meant to be loved by a woman?
"… you are just too sweet. I love that about you."
The sudden use of his surname had deafened him to the rest of the sentence, but it clearly echoed in his head now. "I love that about you." It was a soothing contradiction to the words his dream had so scathingly spoken to him. "…your manner is frustrating…" So she didn't find him frustrating. Smiling abruptly, he leaned his head back and stared out at the rain. No. I'm sure she finds me very frustrating at times. Just as I do her, but… I know that in the dream that is not what was meant. A small frown twitched his brow. I am relieved to know that she is not annoyed by my manner. I… I would not know how to be any other way… but I would try if she wished for me to. Dropping his eyes to her, he brought his hand back to touch her cheek. I would rather be myself, though. I am glad she is accepting. I am glad she finds it sweet.
Tilting the palm of his hand, he studied the contrast of his red skin next to her own pure ivory. He liked touching her. Her skin was so soft, not marred and rough like the scales covering his own body, and he was grateful that the palm-side of his hands were not scaled so he could actually feel her. Anything that came into contact with the scaled part of his body was numbed, shielded, and desensitized by the hard shell. After a thousand years he had grown used to it, but that night she had bandaged his wounds after their fall from the cliff had shocked him with the reminder. The tentative touch of her linen covered hand against the unprotected skin of his belly had felt so strangely intense he had jerked. Not because she had touched a wound, but it had still hurt. At least the thick skin and calluses on his hands saved him from that acute sensitivity. It was at once a blessing, and at the same time, something else to add to his curse.
"There's nothing wrong with you, Kenshin." Eyes still very much closed, she shifted in his lap. "Stop thinking so much. You tense up and get uncomfortable." Her grumbling made him smile unwillingly. Flattening his palm once more over her cheek, he felt briefly envious of her confidence.
"Do you… not wish I were normal?"
Slowly sapphire irises peeked up at him through her lashes, and it was his turn to shift uncomfortably. "Of course I do, Kenshin." Though the answer could not be wrong, his heart still sank. "It pains me that you've had to endure so much suffering, and I'll do anything I can to help break the spell you are under." Wrestling gently against the blanket, she freed an arm and mimicked his touch. "But I won't love you any more or less than I do right now. I mean… nobody falls in love with someone they don't find attractive in the first place, right?" A dark red blush spread all the way down her neck but she laughed as his eyes widened and he tensed in confusion. "Does that sound weird to you?"
"A-a little."
Giggling, she pinched his nose. "Attraction isn't all about outer appearances. There are a lot of things about you that have nothing to do with how you look that I find attractive."
"Tell me."
Bemused by the sudden command, Kaoru held his gaze for a couple seconds, trying to read his mood. He needed this, she realized. She softened her tone. "I like your hands. I think they were the first thing about you that I noticed I liked. They are very strong, and it takes a lot of self-control to restrain that strength, but you are never careless. Your touch is always very gentle.
"You are disciplined in everything you do. Your manners, your actions, I suspect even your thoughts." Smiling affectionately, she started to play with his loose hair. "I guess I might be purely envious of this trait, but I like that you are disciplined. If you were not, you would not be such a great master. You wouldn't really be you if you were not.
"You are so very kind, but behind that you can be strict when the need arises. But mostly you are kind, and it is all the more attractive because I know you are so strong. You don't abuse your strength, you protect instead. Do you want me to continue?" Looking at him curiously, she smiled at his silent nod. He looked so serious. "Okay." Chewing her lip, she laughed as a thought came to her. "I like that you are surprisingly adaptable for an old man." A frown instantly puckered his brow and she laughed again, her hand unconsciously smoothing across his face in an attempt to appease. "I mean, you weren't very accommodating at first, but I understand why a little better now. It's with other things, like how you reacted to my training, and how you always listen, like I might have something important to say. You never make me feel like I'm just some silly woman in a man's world. I really mean this in a good way, so don't be mad but… for someone as old as you it's nice that you're not unreasonable."
"That's your idea of a compliment?" Golden eyes were narrowed, but Kaoru could tell he wasn't really angry. Grinning, she nodded. "I'll have you know, my lady, being reasonable is a requirement for someone my age."
"Really?" Trying not to laugh, her sapphire eyes danced with suppressed mirth.
"Hmm. Is there anything else?" The offhand way he was handling the conversation wavered just enough for her to understand he was still uncertain. What else could she say to make him see?
"My lord, your list of attractive qualities is quite long, so it won't be hard to conjure a few more for your enjoyment." Flirting teasingly, she pulled a bunch of loose red hair over his shoulder and swatted him in the face with it. "Your hair, for example. I am quite attracted to it. Perhaps it's just my girly side, but I could play with your hair all day if you let me." Blinking he pulled his head back in a weak attempt to keep from getting hit again. "Your wings, too, of course. I'm sure you know by now how much I enjoy flying. Oh, and your eyes. I like them because they let me know what mood you're in. Then your tail, it's fun; that kitten yesterday was too cute when you were playing. And your horns; I like the face you make when I scratch around them…."
"I thought you said attraction isn't only about appearance?"
Shrugging off his confusion, Kaoru blinked innocently. "It's not, but I don't mind the way you look either." The frown that had been threatening the creases around his eyes formed completely and she knew it was always going to come back to this. It was always going to be about the way he looked. Sitting up in his arms a bit straighter, Kaoru held his intent gaze before leaning her forehead into the side of his jaw. The question that he needed to hear came her in that moment. "Would you not care for me anymore if I were trapped in a similar form?" Every one of his muscles stiffened and she could tell this thought had never once occurred to him. "If I were in your place instead, and you were in mine… would you find me repulsive?"
"No." There was no less meaning in his whispered reply than if he had shouted it, and Kaoru hoped he understood everything it meant. "How could I? You are so beautiful, not just on the outside, but the inside as well. I could never…" A small intake of breath cut him off, her hand gently caressing his cheek. The meaning was sinking in.
"Well, what if I were an animal instead, like the others? What if I was a raccoon? Could you still… love me?" Though she tried to play the question off nonchalantly, Kaoru still held her breath. Though she had spoken of love, he had not.
Kenshin was silent for so long Kaoru started to worry, but when she tried to pull back his arms tightened, stilling her. "Nothing could ever make me love you any less. Nothing." He said he loves me! Squeezing her eyes shut, she leaned harder against him. "Besides…" Humor entered his voice. "If you were a raccoon you'd fit in my lap a little easier."
Laughing, Kaoru lifted her head to give him a look that was only half-annoyed. "I'm going to ignore the insinuation in that statement, mister, and instead tease you with food for thought. I'd be really soft all over as a raccoon."
Chuckling, he carefully ran his thumb down her temple. "Well… at least that wouldn't change." Blushing pink, sapphire eyes averted to her lap. "Thank you, Kaoru-dono. I needed this."
Really? Curious of his claim, she forgot her shyness and looked back up. It was lighter now, the rising sun making itself known through the thick layer of rain clouds. Kenshin's features were much clearer than they had been, and as she stared up at him staring off into the distance, she thought there was something a little strange about the reflection in his golden irises. Feeling her intent gaze, he tilted his chin down to stare back, and for a moment her breathing stopped.
They're violet. His eyes, they're… normal. There was no vertical pupil, and the iris no longer covered the entire expanse of his eye. She could see the whites now, as if they truly belonged to a human, and the irises were a very gentle amethyst color. It's just like in my dream. He looks just like that little boy; happy and innocent and full of love.
Just like the day before, the blank look on her face drove away his contentment and ease and replaced it with concern and worry. The violet of his eyes faded, and with only one blink the gold was back; still warm and loving, but the innocence and happiness was buried once more underneath his adult responsibilities. "Kaoru-dono?"
Ghosting a finger lightly under one of his eyes in awe, she didn't answer immediately. It was real! I can't believe it! Focusing when he called her name a second time, she smiled and he was cautiously reassured. I found you! I really did it! Giggling she wrapped both arms around his neck and squeezed, ignoring his stuttering confusion. I know what I need to do now! I understand! This is going to work! It's really going to work!
Caught up in her moment of glee, Kaoru relaxed her crazed hold just enough to plant a smacking kiss on his lips. Giggling when she pulled back, his wide eyes looking her over warily, she leaned in and kissed him again just because he looked so shocked. Lingering this time she felt him give in, his sharp claws and strong fingers digging themselves carefully into her hair. Pulling her closer, the slightest tilt of his head altered the playful atmosphere, heightening the emotion behind it. Relaxing against his chest and letting herself get swept away in the moment, her last teasing thought wondered what had happened to that chaperone idea Kenshin was so adamant about yesterday.
X
"Sanooosuke. There you are." Giggling and teasing, Misao popped her head over the side of the veranda to stare down at the sleeping mutt hiding up under the planking. It was late evening and the sun was going down, but the temperature was not. After all the random rainstorms over the last few weeks the atmosphere was muggy and humid. The cool, damp dirt under the buildings was the perfect place to relax.
Lifting one eyelid reluctantly, Sano stared at the chipper weasel, annoyed already with her voice and presence. He knew why she was there, and a part of him dreaded it. Another part just wanted to get the torture over with so he could rest. An old man deserved some rest.
"What do you want?" The question was forced, resigned, but it did nothing to dampen her zeal.
"I think you know. There's just two more weeks before summer. I've been pretty fair, I think, considering I know for a fact I won the bet we made about a month ago. It's time for you to pay up."
"What bet?" A surly part of him hated losing, even as he knew it was useless. He hated letting her win so easily.
"Don't play dumb, idiot." Laughing, Misao hopped down onto the ground in front of him. "The one we made about the master and the lady. I let you slide on the terms more than once, you're not getting out of this one."
"I still say the terms weren't fair."
"Don't be such a sore loser. I've won this bet about four times now, but you kept wanting to change the conditions so I let you. First it was they wouldn't be interested in each other at all. Then it was they wouldn't fall in love. After that it was they wouldn't admit it before summer. We finally decided on a simple bet and I'm not letting you out of it again."
Grumbling, Sano flicked his tail. "What were the conditions we decided on again? I don't remember."
Growling, Misao scowled at him. "You are so frustrating! I bet that the master and Lady Kaoru would kiss before the end of spring and you maintained that it wouldn't be until after summer started. It's two weeks to summer and they've been stealing kisses for over a month now."
"Really? I haven't seen this." Blowing off her information like he could care less, Sano returned to dozing.
"Not many people have. They've been really private and careful about their interactions. You know how the master is. He's done everything he can to make sure Kaoru's honor has been protected."
"Well isn't that the way it's supposed to be? How would you feel if everyone was in your personal business?"
"W-well…" Flustered, Misao stuttered. "That's not the point. Dammit, Sanosuke! The point is I won the bet, so it's time to pay up."
"Not until I see it for myself. You could be just making up whatever you want, and how can I trust the rumors that go around here? I won't believe any of it until I've seen it."
"Argh! You're just being stubborn! You know for a fact this isn't something anyone would just make up. Besides, they're getting sloppy. Tae said she caught them kissing over the table just yesterday."
"Could have been a misunderstanding for all I know."
"Would you stop being such an ass! You're starting to sound spiteful!"
Grunting, Sano stood and stretched. "And you're annoying."
"At least I don't sound like I'm upset that the master and lady are happy."
"What are you talking about? I just don't want to pay up without any proof I've lost. It's called playing it smart, pipsqueak."
"If you actually woke up out of your lazy stupor every now and again you'd have noticed a long time ago. All you have to do is look at the master. Look at his eyes. There's all the proof you need right there."
"You're losing it, weasel. What the hell does his eyes have to do with kissing?"
Bristling with anger, Misao looked more like an angry cat than a weasel. "You know what, you lousy mutt? Just forget it! Be a coward for the rest of your miserable life, see if I care. You never take responsibility for anything. No wonder Megumi gave up on you ages ago." Cursing under her breath, Misao turned and left, too irritated to argue with an idiot.
"No wonder nothing, you pest." Muttering, Sano squeezed himself back out into the open and shook most of the dirt from his matted coat. It seemed he had gotten himself out of the bet, but it wasn't very satisfying. Perhaps because it was the only thing he had to look forward to in his empty life. Without it… what did he really have left to do? Still mumbling, he hopped up onto the engawa and froze, surprised to find the porch already occupied. "Hey." Wary, he stared at the sleek red fox curled against the outer wall of one the pavilions.
"Hey yourself." Head lifted imperiously, she gazed across at him, her features impassive.
"How long you been up here?"
"Long enough."
"Hmph." Walking away, he ducked his head, his shoulders hunched up. "Just great." As expected, she stood and followed, causing his upper lip to snarl. What was not expected was the silence. "What? Nothing to say?"
"Not really. What about you?" Cool and calm, she sounded like nothing in the world could bother her, let alone his dumb, ugly mug.
Snorting, his voice became biting, always annoyed by her indifference. "Since when have you ever cared?" Expecting a witty retort, their banter already scripted and rehashed so many times he hardly had to listen anymore, Sano knew it was going to be a bad day when she decided on being truthful.
"Since the first time you passed out drunk in my room."
"Shit." Closing his eyes, he felt his stomach drop. Only on one other occasion had she brought up such a moment, and he did not feel like having a repeat of that fight.
"Do you remember the day I'm talking about?"
Trying to ignore her, he randomly chose a maze-like path around the palace, but she doggedly followed him.
"Well, I'd be surprised if you remembered anything about that day with as much alcohol as you had in you, but I know you remember anyway."
"What makes you think it was important enough to remember?"
"You came to me, Sanosuke. Not anyone else. In your drunken stupor you walked into my room and made all of your problems mine. I'd say that's pretty damned important."
"I hate to break it to you honey, but I've been drunk and in a lot of women's rooms before I was ever in yours."
"Really, moron? Is that supposed to upset me?"
"I can be more blunt it you like. What makes you think you're any more special than the other women I've been with? They don't care two licks for my so called problems."
Megumi laughed, a sharp, cold laugh that was unlike her normally playful and superior chuckles. "I can't believe you actually want me to answer that question."
Sano froze, and the fur down his spine stood straight up. "You heartless bitch."
"I've been everything else for you, so why not?" Snarling, the smaller fox bared her teeth back. "If this is what it takes to get through to you then so be it. After a thousand years I'm more than ready for a real fight."
"We've had this fight before." Sano's voice dismissed the earnestness of her pressing subject.
"And I was trying to be nice since it's such a touchy subject, but I'm done being nice, you bastard. I've had enough."
"That's laughable. When have you ever been nice to me?"
"How about every day for the last thousand years since your best friend died?"
Jaw clenching, Sano did his best to ignore the last half of her claim. "If that's you being nice I think I prefer a typhoon."
Looking him over, she didn't even react to his insult, but instead rummaged through her arsenal and went straight for a knife. His apathy was his defense, and she was sick of seeing him hide. "Five days after Shinta-sama's death you came stumbling into my room, piss-ass drunk."
"Sorry. I don't have time for a stroll down memory lane." Trying to get away, Sano started walking again, his pace slightly quickened.
"You not having time is the biggest laugh I've ever heard." Keeping up with easy grace, Megumi's voice was cynical. "Like I was saying, we hardly knew each other at the time, and any conversations we had were barely meaningful. For you to come to me in such a state was offensive and unwarranted. I had half a mind to beat you bloody and refuse treatment as the new head physician."
"Well you should have. It would have saved me the pain of this conversation."
"Perhaps I should have, but I didn't."
"Well that's just too bad."
"I put up with your sorry attempts at seduction because underneath your drunken and clumsy advances you were hurting. And do you remember what happened next after your forced playfulness finally died?" Sano shot her a look over his shoulder, his mahogany eyes hardened in hatred, but Megumi looked coolie through him. "You cried. Like a child with your head in my lap. A full grown man, half-dressed and far from sober, bawling in the room of a woman he didn't even know. It was pitiful. Now, why don't you tell me what the difference is between me and those other women you've been with?"
The expression on Sano's face was stony as he looked away, and in the absence of a reply, Megumi smirked. He was listening. "Shall I make a list? How about… we didn't have sex the first time you stepped into my room. Or maybe… you showed weakness, and I put up with it. I comforted you. I kept it a secret. I protected you from losing what little respect you had left. Mostly, I think, it's because you just kept coming back. Randomly, but steadily for the most part. You were drunk more than half the time, but not always. Sometimes you were sober and wanting only to be held. You were sweeter when you weren't drunk… but you were more open when you were. I'm not quite sure which I prefer."
"Are you done?" Stopping next to another pavilion, not even sure where they were anymore, Sano plopped his rump down and scowled.
"I never complained once, Sanosuke. Not once. I thought that was what you needed, but then I realized I was wrong. I was just a convenient distraction."
"Oh, you get it now." Scathing and ill-tempered, Sano saw an opening and used it strike back. Just barely, her small vixen jaw jerked as if smacked, but she still kept her cool.
"I get more than even you realize. You used me just like you used alcohol to distract you from what was really bothering you."
"And just what do you think that is?"
"I don't know, Sanosuke." Shaking her head and feeling tired, Megumi sighed. "I've got my suspicions, about Shinta-sama and getting kicked out of the palace guard, but… no one knows the truth but you. You're going to have to figure it out by yourself."
"Isn't that a relief. And here I thought you were going to offer to help." Sarcastic, he knew he was acting immature, but it was getting harder and harder to deal with the truth coming from her mouth.
"No. I'm done with you, Sano." Though still irritated that she was tearing into such an old wound, the throbbing ache that was attacking his numbed senses convulsed, bringing him briefly back to reality. She was done with him. "I've tried to help you, but I've realized that I can't. Whatever this problem is, it's not something that can be fixed by anyone else but you. I can't see the whole problem, maybe because you can't either, but… it's changed you. You didn't used to be this angry, or this unpleasant."
"I've changed?" Bitter now, feeling panicked and abandoned, Sano lashed out. "What happened to you? You hardly speak to me without contempt. You never used to speak to me that way."
"I did this for you! Every time I tried to get closer you closed off! I knew if I didn't act this way you might never speak to me again!" Bristling all over, Megumi braced her feet, her stance challenging. "If I let you know that your distance affected me, you would have ran. You can't deny it. So I lied, and I pretended like I could care less. I made that decision the same day I could feel the change in you; that one morning I woke up alone." Pride kept her head from drooping, but shame closed her eyes. "I confessed to you that night before. I told you what I promised I would never say… and you pretended not to hear."
Megumi's cinnamon irises were dark when her eyes opened once more, pinning him in place. "You humiliated me, dishonored me, embarrassed me, and I put up with it for too long. Do you know how much I had to go through to keep my position when the rumors started to spread? Rumors that were caused by your presence in my room at night. Lady Rin started calling me a whore. Men I didn't even know started asking when I was free to see them in private. Master Izo threatened to have me evicted from the palace and my reputation as a physician revoked if I did not stop my debauchery."
Something foul and stone cold dropped into the chaos of emotion, stopping it dead. "What men?"
Laughing shortly, Megumi's head lifted higher and she spat his own words back at him. "Since when do you care?"
Jaw grinding painfully, Sano ignored her. "Tell me who."
"Dammit, Sanosuke! You have no right anymore to act that way. I handled the situation, alone, like I handle everything. It wasn't your problem. It was mine."
Anger backing off enough to feel appropriately ashamed for being the cause, Sano frowned. "I never heard any of this."
"Because you were too busy getting drunk and ignoring the world to notice. I was the only person besides Katsu you associated with. It was the reason I never pushed you away, even with the rumors. I didn't want to abandon you. I didn't want you to give up, but… that day you ignored me, that day you left and became distant…" Megumi swallowed, a familiar ball of frustration and disgust building in her throat. "I hated you that day."
Looking away out over the yard, Sano nodded. "Yeah. I can't say I blame you."
"I can't do this anymore, Sano. When we argue now… I can't even say I'm pretending to be malicious. I don't like myself this way. I don't like how I am when I'm around you. I just…" Sighing, her eyes closed again and she seemed to collect herself. "I hope some day you figure out a way through what's bothering you. I truly do, Sanosuke. I told myself I was going to wait for that day, and then say those words to you again, but… I really don't think that day's ever going to happen. I hope I'm wrong…" As if disgusted by her own pathetic attitude, Megumi shook her head and pulled herself up, her haughty personality coming back. "Anyway, I'm done now. I apologize for causing you any delay to your destination. Rest assured, it will never happen again." Jerking her head in a short bow, she turned to retreat. "Goodnight, Sanosuke." Without a backward glance she slipped around a corner and disappeared.
The sudden and deafening silence that followed closed in around him, buffering him from the real world, trapping him and at the same time, protecting him. What felt like minutes later it lifted without warning, allowing the thundering feeling of panic to reclaim his heart and he sat there trembling as he stared at the empty veranda. "Dammit!" Hanging his head, his brow furrowed as his eyes clenched shut. "Don't do that, Fox. Now I… really don't have anything left."
Muscles slumping, his eyelids heavily parted, revealing lifeless eyes that no longer carried any form of vibrancy. The one thing he had always secretly feared had come true; the woman he loved no longer believed in him. There was no one else left to anchor him, no one else who cared enough. With the light of her beacon turned off to him, he was now lost, floating out to sea in apathetic confusion. It seemed his life had finally become outlived and unnecessary.
A soft, breathy huff of laughter escaped his mouth, the noise caught somewhere between hysteria and shock. "That's okay, Fox. I understand. I'm not worth it anyway. You just worry about yourself. That's what you should have been doing from the beginning. 'Cause you're right. This ain't ever going to change." Laughing some more, he lifted his sightless stare toward the ground opposite, and slowly the numbness came back. Already willing to incorporate this new feeling of worthlessness into the old and abused emotions he carried around, Sano picked himself up and turned the corner opposite. Tonight, however, was not without its sense of irony.
Just across the way was Lady Kaoru's pavilion, and just next to the door stood the lady, ready to turn in for the evening. Or so Sano supposed, as much of her was blocked from his view by the master. One of her hands was visible, though, her slender, pale fingers twisted in the back of his kimono. After careful scrutiny, the other could be found curled in the loose red hair by his face. It wasn't hard to tell what was happening, and with a soft curse, Sano shook his head in wry resignation. It looked as though Misao truly had won their bet.
A slight shift, and one of the master's hands was carefully pulling at the wrist near his face, lifting both their arms and pinning the lady against the wall behind her. Blinking, Sano lifted a brow and slowly flattened himself to the veranda. The master was bolder than he thought. Shinta… I think you'd be proud of your little brother. Indifferently amused, he watched both red wings unfurl slowly and spread wide, blocking Sano's view and shielding the two of them from any prying eyes. The action brought a brief smirk to his lips. Yeah. I wouldn't want an audience either. This place is shitty when it comes to personal business.
Tilting his head to the side, Sano focused away from the couple, his chin resting on his forelegs. He really was glad that the master was happy. It was what Shinta had wanted, after all. The master deserved to be happy. Everyone living at the palace had their own hardships to speak of, but the master had endured much to protect and shelter them, on top of dealing with his own personal hell. A hell that only included the death of his oldest brother. Perhaps that was why Sano felt like he did… because his hell had started with the death of Shinta-sama.
You put your faith in the wrong person, Shinta. I haven't been able to do one thing you've asked of me… and this was all I had left do. Your little brother found happiness on his own… and now I'm left with nothing. Heh. Megumi even left me, but… I didn't handle things very well. We had a good plan to get her to like me, but… I screwed it up after you died. She hates me now, and I can't blame her. I don't know what she was doing with a worthless jerk like me anyway.
Sighing, Sano peeked back towards the master out of the corner of his eye. "I suppose I should pay up to that weasel. I can at least take responsibility for that much." A small, unsatisfactory ball of agitation formed at the base of his throat and he frowned at the master's back. Kenshin had always felt responsible for Shinta's death, was always tormented by the lives of everyone he had killed for his father… Perhaps there was one other thing left Sano needed to do. One more purpose existing within his overly-long life.
Wings folding up once more, the master pulled back, his hands carefully coaxing the lady through the open tsumado and into her pavilion. Too far away to hear what was said, and unable to see the master's face, Sano was instead given a glimpse of the lady's expression. Smiling shyly, her cheeks flushed pink, she was biting her lip as the master pressed her knuckles to his lips. It was a look of obvious love and bliss, one that demanded the care and adoration of the man it was directed upon. Seconds later the master released her hand and softly closed the door between them, shutting the lady within her pavilion. The spectacle finished, Sano watched with only a subdued interest as the master turned and leisurely meandered his way over to his own rooms.
I suppose I wouldn't mind having a woman look at me like that for the next thousand years. Shaking his head as if to rid himself of the thought, Sano sighed again. That was now an impossibility.
X
A/N: Writing Sano is hard. I don't know why, but it stumped me for quite a long time, and I'm still not very happy with it. It was only supposed to be something short, but I haven't even really said what's bothering him yet. I've got it planned for the next chapter and then it should be resolved, but jeez. It turned out not to be as original as I wanted, but I suppose it will do. Plus, it's going to help with another situation I've been trying to work up to, so I guess I'll live with it. Hope no one else will be disappointed. Also… I seem to have a hard time writing Megumi. I haven't fully grasped her personality yet. Forgive me. I did spend quite a lot time revising this chapter to make it feel better than it was originally, so I like it much better now, but I still kinda feel like Sano was a bit depressive.
Alright, so the interaction between Kenshin and Kaoru may not have seemed like a big deal, but believe me… it really is, and not just for the obvious reasons. I do have plans for everything I do… even if I forget some of the smaller ones sometimes and then want to kick myself later. Ah, well… this is not a small one, so it will show up in the story later. It was a great way to resolve his appearance complex, and yes there was a large jump in time between Kaoru and Kenshin talking and Sano getting confronted by Misao and Megumi. That was planned and will be explained better in the next chapter. So, it's been like a month between the beginning of this chapter and the end. Don't worry, I'll touch on some of the stuff that happened in between. Sweet memories are fun.
So, I hope that you liked, even though nothing major is happening yet, but it was still a nice combination of sweet and angst. I'm really excited about the website allowing cover pictures to be posted with each story now. I'm currently working really hard on my own cover art to post up. It won't be anything intricate, but rather simple, and yet… I really like it. We'll see. Anyway, please review, and in the next chapter… Enishi's back, Sano makes a confession, and Kaoru is faced with a tough decision.