Chapter 34: At Arm's Length
The latter days of Dave's junior year of high school were passing in a blur of heart-pounding secrecy and the kind of all-consuming, thought-paralyzing infatuation every teenager who has fallen in love experiences. It was something they missed the first time around, somehow, skipped right over…and yet he still felt it wasn't quite what it could have been.
There was always a shadow between them, keeping them from being totally together even when they were wrapped around each other in the dark of Kurt's room. Dave wasn't sure if the shadow was his, or Kurt's…or even Blaine's. He felt a pang whenever he thought of the other boy, someone he didn't really like but also didn't really know—someone who probably didn't deserve what was going on behind his back. Those moments of guilt didn't keep him from becoming an expert at sneaking in and out of Kurt's basement.
He felt strange about stepping around the lives of people he used to sit among comfortably. Kurt's house used to be one of the few places on earth he could be himself and feel totally safe. He never felt safe anymore, not anywhere…but at least he got Kurt out of all of it. Sure, he got only Kurt's kisses and never his smiles, only Kurt's touches, and never his hugs…all of Kurt's body but none of Kurt's time. Dave was living life on the "take what you can get" plan at the moment, thank you very much, and he would defy anyone in his situation—anyone who could look at Kurt and see what he saw, who knew what it was like to love him and be loved back—to tell him they would honestly do something different.
It occurred to him, on more than one occasion, that his life was far too dramatic for that of a high schooler. Weren't high school relationships meant to be temporary? It wasn't as if any of this was life and death.
It still felt like it.
Kurt's life had fallen into a frenetic routine that left him feeling slightly guilty but also constantly elated. He had found the perfect excuse, in the form of Melodie's meddling, to spend time with Dave without having to explain to Blaine, or Finn, or anyone else why he was so often alone with his ex-boyfriend. More importantly, he didn't have to make up reasons to feed himself for why he couldn't seem to go more than a day without dragging Dave into some dark corner and losing himself in the other boy's kisses and touches, his adoration.
Apparently, Melodie had convinced Rachel that Dave was the perfect person to help them write a song that would win Regionals. Kurt was assigned to help Dave with the songwriting process, since Dave flat refused—according to Melodie—to try working one-on-one with someone as controlling as Rachel.
"Really, Dave?" Kurt teased him when they were alone, during their first "song-writing" session. "You of all people know how controlling I can be."
"Yeah, but when it's you, it's sexy," Dave shot back. Needless to say, no songwriting happened that afternoon. Or the next.
Kurt was dividing his time between school, glee rehearsals, and Dave. He hadn't been spending a lot of time with Blaine lately. Every time he saw him, there was a fresh stab of undiluted guilt. Kurt tried to minimize the effects of this by finding excuses—totally legitimate excuses—not to see him, but that just seemed to make the guilt when they did finally get together worse. It was like it saved itself up and waited for the right moment to burst out and make him blush and avoid Blaine's eyes.
Occasionally he would see something in Blaine's eyes—worry, hurt, disappointment?—but his boyfriend never said anything, so Kurt pretended that everything on that front was all right, and focused all his energy on being a student, a singer, and a part-time illicit lover. He was ashamed of the thrill that last part gave him, but not ashamed enough to stop or pretend the thrill wasn't there.
"Just imagine," Kurt whispered, breath hot against Dave's ear and hand tight around him, gliding up and down in a slow rhythm that seemed calculated to drive Dave insane with need. "Just imagine what would happen if we got caught like this. Anyone could walk in here at any moment, and there'd be nowhere for us to hide. What would you do, then, Dave?"
Dave had no answer, no coherent thoughts able to drag themselves up from under the jumble of guilt, fear and arousal Kurt's words inspired. Kurt bit down on his earlobe lightly and pressed a wet kiss to the corner of his jaw just below, never altering his slow, torturous rhythm as his warm breath ghosted over the tender skin, raising tiny hairs on the back of Dave's neck. Arousal won out. Dave closed his eyes and pressed his face into Kurt's shoulder as he came, silently. He was getting good at being silent.
The only constant dark spot on Kurt's days were the glares Finn kept shooting him—over the dinner table, across the lunch tables in the cafeteria, in the choir room. While Melodie seemed more than content to expend all her energy trying to break up Kurt's relationship with Blaine, Finn seemed to be growing more and more attached to it, and his scowl only deepened each time Kurt spent the afternoon songwriting with Dave. He was the only person who seemed unconvinced by Kurt's insistence that he was keeping Dave at arm's length.
Much more annoying than Finn's suspicion was his new habit of popping into Kurt's room unannounced to check on them whenever Dave came over. It wasn't like they couldn't hear him thundering across the house in plenty of time to rearrange themselves; it was just that there were a lot of things they couldn't do if they were going to be rearranging themselves every sixty minutes. It went beyond a thrill at the prospect of getting caught and straight into downright annoying.
Kurt didn't know what to tell him to get him to stop. He could always tell Finn the truth, but somehow he didn't think Finn would be as elated as, say, Azimio or Mercedes...who he also had not told. Although he was almost sure she would understand, he also knew that Mercedes couldn't keep a secret to save her life. Even barring that, a part of him still wanted to punish her, and wasn't willing to trust her yet. Still, it was hard to stay angry at her when he was so happy on a daily basis, so he resumed his weekly shopping trips with Mercedes, Rachel, Tina, and Melodie. He confided in no one, but he felt a superficial kind of satisfaction in the giggly time he spent with his girls, just the same.
It was becoming easier and easier to keep people just that careful arm's length away.
"Let me take you out on a date." It came out of the blue. He didn't even know he was going to say it; the words just popped out of his mouth between heated kisses. Kurt pulled back immediately, eyes suddenly wary and guarded, and Dave cursed himself silently, realizing he had overstepped one of Kurt's careful and invisible lines.
"Forget it," he said quickly, before Kurt could open his mouth to start the awkward conversation that would lead to being dumped. Can you get dumped if you're the "other guy?" We're not even dating.
It occurred to Dave, for the first time, just how truly messed up his current situation was.
Kurt was still holding their bodies apart, hands on Dave's shoulders and elbows locked, looking him in the eyes and searching for something. For what? Dave had no idea.
Whatever it was, Kurt seemed to find it after a minute, because he leaned back in, hesitantly, to press a kiss to Dave's lips. Dave closed his eyes and kissed back, that last bit of hesitance fading from one moment to the next. As the two of them rolled around on Kurt's bed, kissing and teasing one another, pressing practiced fingers to sensitive skin and biting back all their noises to avoid attention from the people upstairs, Dave tried not to let his mind wander away from the exploits of his body. He tried not to think about curling up on the couch with a movie, about long conversations, or walking in the park on Christmas morning.
He tried not to think of Kurt with snow in his hair and a bright blue-green scarf wrapped around his neck, looking up at Dave with something more in his eyes than lust.
"Kurt?"
Kurt was jerked abruptly out of his reverie to see Blaine looking across the table at him, concern and just the barest hint of annoyance written in his features. Kurt straightened up and smiled apologetically.
"I'm sorry," he said. "I just have a lot on my mind today. What were you saying?"
"I was asking you what's on your mind."
"Oh." Kurt could feel the heat climbing in his face. He looked down at the table, ashamed of himself, but before he could spiral too far down into a guilt trip, he risked a glance at Blaine's face…and they both burst out laughing.
"What—is so—freaking funny?" Kurt managed to wheeze out after a moment.
"I have no idea," Blaine chuckled. "You just looked like such a…god…such a kicked little puppy!" And they were off again, laughing at Kurt's shamefaced distraction until any possible tension had dissipated entirely. That was what Kurt loved about Blaine; he was the kind of happy, easy-going person that could let laughter just wipe everything else out. When they were together it was easy to pretend Kurt had no problems at all.
"So, Blaine," he said mischievously. "Are the Warblers ready to face McKinley in a couple of weeks?"
"Hey now, no poking around for information," Blaine admonished playfully. "But yes. Pardon my seeming overconfidence, Mr. Hummel, but I am fairly certain we will wipe the floor with you."
"Oh really?" Kurt raised a skeptical eyebrow. "Well, we'll just see, Mr. Anderson. I have a ten dollar bill that says you'll eat those words."
"Deal," Blaine said. "But if we win, I don't want your ten dollars. I have something much better in mind."
"Oh? And what's that?"
Blaine leaned forward conspiratorially.
"Well," he says. "Rachel sent me this great video of you in a Cheerios outfit. I've always wanted to make out with a cheerleader."
Kurt almost choked on his latte, and then Blaine was off again, laughing so hard he was practically snorting into the wood surface of the table. Kurt composed himself and rolled his eyes fondly at the other boy.
"It's a deal, then. Prepare to owe me ten dollars, and a new friend, because I'm going to kill Rachel Berry when I see her."
When Dave arrived at Kurt's house on Thursday with his guitar in tow, it was Finn that answered the door instead of Kurt. He was thrown off for half a second, but he tried not to show it. Usually Kurt dragged him downstairs before he even had a moment to glimpse the rest of the family.
"Hey man," Finn said, voice and face oddly friendly. He had been either avoiding Dave or glaring at him since the championship game, so eye contact and a smile put Dave instantly on the alert.
"Hey Finn," he said carefully. "Where's Kurt?"
"He's downstairs. Must've lost track of time. Come on in."
"Thanks," Dave said slowly, still suspicious of Finn's friendly demeanor. He stepped inside and gravitated automatically toward the stairs to Kurt's room, but Finn wrapped an arm around his shoulders and steered him toward the kitchen instead.
"Hey, hang on a minute, man," he said. "I haven't talked to you in forever. Lemme grab you a drink."
"I really ought to get to Kurt," Dave said, fumbling to prop his guitar against a wall and trying unsuccessfully to extract himself from Finn's arm. Frankenteen had a solid grip. "We still have a lot of work to do on the song-"
"No problem," Finn said, insistent. "This'll only take a minute."
He deposited Dave in a chair at the counter and gave him a look that clearly said stay there before moving to the other side of the kitchen and grabbing two sodas from the fridge. He popped them both open and tossed one to Dave.
"Sorry it's diet," Finn said. "Kurt's practically an addict."
"Yeah, I know," Dave said, face softening automatically and voice just a bit too affectionate. He schooled his features quickly, but Finn's eyes narrowed. He was caught.
"Yeah. I guess you do."
"Look man, thanks for the drink but I really gotta-"
"You need to stop fooling around with Kurt." Finn's words froze Dave up, stopped his voice. He kept his face as impassive as possible, but Finn wasn't searching for confirmation. He already knew.
"I know you guys aren't spending all that time writing a song for Regionals, and I know you guys are more than just friends, no matter what Kurt says. That's my thing, remember? I know people. And I know a pair of cheaters when I see them."
"Hey-" Dave started, but Finn stopped him, and really…what was he going to do? Defend Kurt's honor? That's just what they were: a couple of cheaters.
"I get it, okay? You liked Kurt a lot. Hell, maybe you even loved him. Maybe you still do. But what you guys are doing is wrong. You're not just hurting Blaine, although that would be bad enough. This is bad for Kurt, too. And you."
Dave just stared at Finn, trying hard not to let the shame show on his face.
"You think it isn't going to devastate Kurt, when he wakes up and realizes what he's doing? You think he isn't going to feel like crap for cheating on Blaine, or for using you? And what about you, Dave? Are you really willing to let somebody use you like this?"
"It's not-he isn't-"
"He isn't using you. Okay. So he's still in love with you, then. You guys go on secret dates and hold hands under the table when nobody's looking. He tells you things he doesn't think he can tell Blaine. He tells you he loves you."
Dave said nothing.
"He tells you he likes you?"
Nothing.
"That's what I thought." Finn sighed, looking sad all of a sudden and a lot older than Dave would have thought his goofy face could look.
"Here's how it works, Dave: I used Rachel. Quinn used Puck. Rachel used Puck. I used Quinn and she used me. We loved the people we were with. That's why we were with them. We got sidetracked and distracted by something pretty or something different, but it was never about love with that other person. That's why they were the other person. I'm sorry."
Dave didn't say anything for a few minutes. He stared at his soda and thought through what Finn was saying. Something about it didn't quite ring true, but at the same time it all made sense. If Kurt wanted him for more than sex, they would be together. Instead, Kurt was sneaking him past his family and keeping him away from his friends, making out with him in dark corners and meanwhile, going on dates in public with his perfect boyfriend. Blaine. The kind of guy everyone always thought Kurt would end up with.
"I'd better go. We have a lot of work to do," Dave said, voice hollow. He got up and headed toward Kurt's room. Finn watched him go, face drawn and unhappy, wondering if anything he just said would make a difference.
Kurt was listening to his Wicked playlist for perhaps the thousandth time, taking a rare moment to relax and just stare up at his ceiling, losing himself in the music. He sat up, startled, when he heard the door at the top of the stairs open.
It was just Dave with his guitar case slung over one shoulder, and Kurt glanced immediately at the clock, amazed that he'd forgotten the time completely. He took out his earbuds and opened his mouth to apologize, but then he stopped. Something was different. Dave wasn't smiling, for one thing. His shoulders were hunched and he looked...defeated, somehow. Kurt slid off his bed and crossed the room, taking Dave's hand in an unusual show of affection. Dave didn't respond at all. When Kurt leaned up to kiss him, he pulled himself gently away and went to sit down on the couch. He swung his guitar case around to balance it on his lap and began unzipping it.
Despite the fact that they were supposed to be writing a song for Regionals, Kurt hadn't watched Dave play in a long time. He approached cautiously, no longer sure exactly how to handle Dave when he wasn't…well, handling him.
"Dave?"
Dave didn't answer; he was focused on the guitar strings. Sturdy hands twisted the tuners on the end as a practiced ear listened. Kurt wanted to reach out, pull the guitar away, and get Dave's attention back…but he couldn't. He didn't want to seem so eager when Dave was so clearly not, and besides…something about watching Dave work so intently was mesmerizing.
Once the guitar was tuned to his satisfaction, Dave readjusted his grip on it and strummed a few chords, humming along in his husky baritone. Then he began to play, and sing.
She don't know you, but she swears she knows your type. Got a mouth full of opinions, and most are wrong but they all sound right. And the ring on her finger is only there to make you wish you were…the one for her.
Oh, half of my heart's got a grip on the situation. Half of my heart takes time. Half of my heart's got a right mind to tell you that I can't keep lovin' you…with half of my heart.
There's a reason no one knows her name. If she don't tell you, then she never has to change it. She's allergic to "I love you," and staying in one place for too long. If you blink she's gone.
So I'm praying, to keep me from breaking…from being another loser helpless at her side. And it's crazy. It's like no one can save me this time. She's got me praying to the wrong god every night…with half of my heart.
Half of my heart's got a real good imagination. Half of my heart's got you, and I can't stop loving you. I can't stop loving you. I can't keep praying to keep me from breaking. I can't keep loving you…with half of my heart.
Kurt stared down at Dave, who was looking up at him with a strange combination of emotions playing across his features: his face seemed so relaxed and open, but his eyes were guarded and his shoulders were tense. Kurt felt a sudden stab of panic.
"That was…beautiful, David." He sat down on the couch beside him, their knees barely brushing. He felt more timid than he had in a long time as he reached out a hand to tentatively brush Dave's arm. He could feel the tense muscles there, the small twitch as Dave reflexively started to jerk away, but stopped himself. The panic morphed from a stab to a crushing weight.
"I—"
"Can we just…work on the song today?" Dave cut him off before he could say anything else. "I don't feel much like anything else."
"Okay," Kurt rasped around the lump that was suddenly lodged in his throat. He should deny Dave's request. He knew he should. Music was something he did with his friends and with Blaine. Sure, they were supposedto be working on the song, but…music, and talking, and spending time together…these weren't things he could do with Dave anymore. It would be easy—far too easy—to forget just why he couldn't let himself fall right back in love with him.
The relief on Dave's face was so profound, Kurt couldn't bring himself to take it back. He reached forward hesitantly, motioning toward the guitar in Dave's arms.
"So…can you teach me how to play this thing?" He asked. It was the right question. Dave's face broke into a surprised, delighted smile that made Kurt's heart clench. It was all he could do not to push the guitar to the floor and kiss him senseless.
"Sure," Dave said. "Here, you hold it like this." He moved the instrument to Kurt's lap and positioned himself slightly behind Kurt, wrapping his arms around him and showing him how to hold the guitar. Kurt willed himself to relax, to focus on what Dave was teaching him instead of on the warmth of Dave's body wrapped around him. He listened to Dave's soft, patient voice as he explained about frets and chords and finger placement.
When Finn made his customary appearance an hour later, he found Kurt and Dave both pristine, without a single hair out of place or a wrinkle in their clothes. Kurt was painstakingly plucking out a song on the guitar—he wasn't very good, Finn couldn't even tell what it was supposed to be—and Dave was smiling and nodding, correcting his finger placement and praising him enthusiastically when Kurt managed to get through a whole bar without help.
Finn considered the open, genuinely happy look on Kurt's face for a moment before quietly backing his way out of the room, pulling the door shut behind him silently with a tiny smile on his face.
Author's Note: I cannot apologize enough for the long time between updates. My life is hectic and it doesn't look like it's going to get less hectic anytime soon. Be that as it may, I have not abandoned this or any other story. I'm working on the next chapter already, I still know where it's going and how I want it to end, and I will finish it. Thank you all so much for reading and reviewing, and for just sticking with me for this incredibly long and crazy ride. I hope I can make it worth it all in the end!
Also, thanks to clovergat3, from tumblr, who was kind enough to sign on to be my beta for awhile. My usual beta is experiencing computer problems, unfortunately.
~ The Raisin Girl