Chapter 35

Mekanek flew the wind raider with practiced ease, his thoughts elsewhere. Man-E-Faces sat in the co-pilot's seat, keeping a watchful eye out for possible attackers, and while Mekanek had intially wanted to make this trip alone, he was glad of the other master's presence, for it freed him to think.

He was worried about his prince, which went without saying, really. There was no one among the masters who wasn't worried about Adam. Even Roboto, who was generally thought to have very limited emotional capacity, had stated concern about the boy. Admittedly, it had stemmed from the illogic of his attempting to destroy himself, but nevertheless, it was a definite sign of caring as far as Mekanek was concerned.

Mekanek was among the few masters who had been at court since the prince had been born. His son, Phillip, had been six when Adam was born, and Randor had occasionally asked questions of him when his own store of knowledge about babies had been exhausted. Both he and Duncan had, actually, which had made Mek feel a little out of his depth. His captain / king and the king's man-at-arms, both asking him for advice.

As a result, however, he had a very proprietary interest in both Adam and Teela, having had a hand in raising them. And the presence of the two children had been all that kept him sane during those months and years it took him to accept that Phillip wasn't coming back. Their very direct and straightforward grief had allowed him to acknowledge his own. Their parents had tried to keep them from bothering him, but he had taken pleasure in their company, because they didn't expect too much of him.

Now he was torn. He wanted to provide that uncomplicated support to Adam, but he couldn't disregard depression that was severe enough to lead to multiple suicide attempts. That required something a great deal more direct than mere support, to his way of thinking.

Grayskull loomed up ahead of them, and he landed the wind raider in the usual place. Man-E-Faces sighed as they climbed out. "I wish I could go in with you," he said. "I didn't even get to see him on the ramparts that day, because we didn't make it here in time for the battle."

Mekanek nodded. "I know, Manny," he said sympathetically.

"But you probably know him the best of all of us short of Duncan, and I know he thinks a lot of you." Manny shrugged. "I'll get to see him soon, no doubt."

They passed in among the garrison and Manny stopped there while Mekanek went out to the edge of the abyss. He opened his mouth to call out to the Sorceress, but the drawbridge opened before he did more than draw breath to speak.

Feeling a bit tentative, for this would be his first solo trip inside the gloomy, awe-inspiring castle, he walked across the drawbridge. To his extreme surprise, the Sorceress herself met him on the other end of the bridge. "Good afternoon," she said.

He bowed, more than a little stunned by her presence as well as her beauty. And her strong resemblance to Teela. Shaking his head, he said, "I've come to visit Adam, ma'am."

"I know," she said. "Please, follow me."

He followed in her footsteps through the halls of the castle, wondering if the reason she was accompanying him was to keep him from exploring the side halls of his route. If so, she didn't have to worry. He wasn't interested in discovering what lay at the ends of halls that dark in an enchanted castle. He'd read far too many folk tales to children to think that exploring a magical castle was safe.

They reached a door he recognized from his last trip into these halls, and she turned back to him. "Duncan will be coming this evening. If you need to leave before then, simply speak my name and I will reply."

"Certainly," he said. "What is your name?"

"Tee –" She broke off, her eyes widening. "Call me Sorceress."

He blinked, though she couldn't see it, and nodded. "Of course, Sorceress," he replied as blandly as possible. It was an interesting slip, but it was really none of his business. She seemed to appreciate his reticence. He turned away to knock on the door, and when he turned back again, she was gone.

The queen opened the door, and he nodded respectfully to her. "Good afternoon, your highness," he said.

She smiled her greeting and stepped back from the doorway. "Adam and Randor are in with Dorgan just now, but they should be out momentarily."

He walked into the room, looking about curiously. "This suite does juxtapose oddly with the rest of the castle, I must say."

She chuckled, leading him to a seating arrangement. "It does," she agreed. "I'm just as glad, though. The last thing Adam needs right now is gloom from the atmosphere."

Mekanek waited for her to seat herself, then sat down across from her. "How is he?" he asked.

Marlena pursed her lips worriedly. "Very fragile," she replied. "Yesterday he was extremely quiet, and then Skeletor attacked last night." Her face worked silently for a moment, and Mekanek pretended that he didn't know she was trying not to cry. "He wants the pain to end, and all I can tell him is that it will take time." He didn't know what to say, but she didn't give him a chance to fumble for the right words. "He cried for two hours this morning, and there was nothing either of us could do." She shook her head. "Actually, there was nothing I could do. Randor could hold him. I'm afraid to touch him sometimes when he's overwrought, for fear of giving some kind of flashback."

"It will pass, Marlena," Mekanek said, hating the platitude, but knowing it for truth. "I know how empty that sounds, believe me, but he will get better."

"I know, but only if we can keep him with us long enough," she replied. Gulping, she made an effort to smile again. "I'm sorry. I shouldn't be dumping this on you, Mekanek."

He shook his head. "Who better?" he asked. "It's part of what I'm here for, my queen. To be a support in your time of need." He made a rueful face. "And if I didn't just sound like someone out of a bad novel, I don't know what would."

She smiled at him more genuinely. "You sound like a loyal friend," she said, reaching out and squeezing his hand. "And I thank you for that, Mekanek."

The door in the wall to his left opened and Adam and his father emerged. The boy looked uncommonly serious, and Mekanek could see that his eyes were still slightly swollen. Randor had his arm around his son's shoulders and was watching him with tender concern. Dorgan came out behind them looking quietly worried.

Adam looked up and his eyes brightened when he saw Mekanek. "Mek! What are you doing here?"

"What do you think, kid? I came to see you."

A smile lit up Adam's whole face. Mekanek stood up and walked over to his side and said, "So, how are you?"

The boy's face fell again, and his left hand strayed to the bandage on his right arm. "I'm okay," he said.

"Well, I'm glad to hear it," Mekanek said, ignoring the subtext to the prince's response. Adam's level of depression meant that his guest would have to take the initiative in selecting and maintaining activities. "Now, I've heard that you beat everyone around you at poker and chess anymore." The boy looked up at him perplexedly. "And as I'm not aching to be trounced, I though we might play backgammon."

Adam tilted his head. "I don't think I've ever played that much," he said.

"I didn't think you had," Mekanek said, putting a hand on his shoulder. He gave Randor a grin. "It's just a form of ego protection, see."

"I quite see," Randor said. His voice was neutral, but there was a load of irony in his eyes. "I don't know if we have a game here . . ."

Mekanek reached into a bag he'd brought with him. "Thought of that," he said. "I brought my own."

Adam looked down at the scuffed wooden case with its metal clasps, and Mekanek smiled. Adam looked up at his face. "I remember that," he said. "You and Phillip used to play a lot, didn't you?"

There was a brief stab of pain, but Mekanek had been expecting it. He'd chosen this game with care, figuring that Adam would remember it. He'd kept the set all these years, though he'd never had the heart to use it, but he thought that Adam needed to think about something beyond himself.

"Yes," Mekanek said, leading the boy across to the table. Adam looked up at his father, who nodded as they walked away, then went over to join Marlena on the sofa.

"I'm not sure I remember the rules," Adam said as Mekanek opened the case and folded it flat.

"It's not hard," he replied and reminded him of the basics. Adam listened intently, and then they started to play.

As he'd expected, Adam picked the game back up quickly, and soon they were playing quite on an even field. Gradually, the prince started to talk to him, commonplaces at first. Comments about the game, simple questions about the other masters and people they both knew well at court. Mekanek was aware of Marlena and Randor talking quietly across the room. Both the king and queen kept an unobtrusive eye on them as they played, their movements accompanied by the soft clicking of the stone pieces and the clatter of the dice against the surface of the board.

After they'd been playing for awhile, Mekanek said, "So, Adam, how are you really feeling?"

The boy looked up from the board. Mek had carefully not asked the question during Adam's turn. He hadn't wanted to give even the impression that he was trying to distract Adam from the game, so that the boy would have fewer excuses to avoid the question.

He didn't answer immediately, and Mekanek made his own move. Adam dropped his eyes to the board and considered his next move. After a couple of moments, he made a decision, then put his hands in his lap. Mekanek perused the board, waiting for an answer to his question. Finally, without looking up, Adam said, "Didn't Man-at-Arms tell you what happened?"

Mekanek nodded. "He did. But that doesn't tell me a lot. There are all sorts of emotions that can lead up to something like that."

Adam raised his eyes, looking troubled. "I guess," he said. "I've never thought about it much, really."

"So, how are you feeling, really?"

The prince didn't respond immediately, and when he did, it wasn't directed toward the question. "It's your turn," he said. Mekanek nodded and returned his attention to the game long enough to roll the dice and move his pieces. Then he looked up again, expectantly.

Adam pursed his lips and sighed. "I don't know how I feel," he said. "I don't feel the same for five minutes together, most of the time."

"Is there a theme?" Mekanek asked.

"A theme?" Adam sounded frankly baffled by the question.

"Yes, a theme. Do the various moods have a similarity?"

Adam looked back down at the board and his brows knit together. He made a move, then sat back from the table. Mekanek waited, gazing at the board, but paying little attention to the game. Finally, Adam cleared his throat. "Everything seems so hopeless. Even when I'm laughing with someone, there's a sense that it's meaningless, that it has no real impact on me."

Mekanek nodded. "I know how you feel," he replied.

"What?" Adam looked up, eyes plainly disbelieving.

Shrugging, Mek said, "After Phillip . . . died . . . I had much the same emotional reaction. There was no light in anything, no lasting pleasure." Adam was watching him intently, the disbelief fading. "And even when I did manage to enjoy a moment, I felt guilty for not missing him every second."

The prince was briefly silent, then he said, "I never knew that."

"I never talked about it, and you were ten when I finally accepted that Phillip had to be dead."

"I don't feel guilty," Adam said, "except when I think about Sanviro and Jeclarren, but there's nothing I can do about that."

"And from what I hear, what little you can do, you've done," Mekanek said. Adam knit his brows, clearly perplexed. "Well, I heard that you asked Dorgan to draw additional blood, and I know how you feel about needles these days." Adam shruggled looking down. "And I was told that you did it because you wanted Orko to have it so he could keep trying to find ways to separate the drugs out of it, for the benefit of Sanviro and Jeclarren."

"Well, that's no big deal," Adam said. "It's not doing much at all." He snorted. "It's not doing anything, actually. It's just lying there while Dorgan does something."

Mekanek shrugged. "I don't discount the fact that you had to face something that really disturbs you these days in allowing it to be done," he said. Then he returned his attention to the game and made a move.

"I feel really stupid about that, actually," Adam said. "And a lot of things. That's part of why everything seems so pointless. I'll be perfectly normal, or as close to it as possible, and then someone does something completely ordinary, and I flip out, either because it reminds me of Davi or it hits me on some vulnerable spot I didn't even know I had."

Mekanek pursed his lips. He had to be careful – not to minimize or overstress anything. Adam was still under the influence of the conditioning drug according to Duncan, and he was undoubtedly vulnerable to intense emotional reactions on the part of those around him. Minimizing something could have the effect of making him feel even more foolish about his perfectly natural reactions, and overstressing it could add a new layer of importance and distress to it and make it harder for Adam to get past it in the future.

"That must be very frustrating," Mekanek said in response.

"It's more than frustrating," Adam replied bitterly. "It's debilitating. I don't know what's going to send me into some kind of emotional seizure. How can I go back to my life, go where anyone might see me? Some court girl flirts with me and I turn into a quivering ball of jelly in the fetal position on the floor. Not the greatest way to build confidence in the crown prince's stability."

"I don't think anyone's going to just shove you back, willy-nilly, Adam," Mekanek said. "I'm not going to say your fears are unrealistic, because they aren't." Adam hunched slightly. "But there are ways to work around it, things we can all do to help you cope. And I assure you, everyone who knows what's going on wants to help."

Adam shrugged and played his turn. "Yeah, but as soon as things calm down, as soon as everyone expects me to be over this, Father's going to send me off on some diplomatic mission, where I'll have to deal with courtiers and . . . and I'll come unglued and he'll be angry and . . . and . . ."

"That's not going to happen, Adam," Mekanek said. He could see Randor and Marlena beyond Adam, and the king's head came up at the mention of him in Adam's words. Mek devoutly hoped he'd be able to keep himself from interrupting. "For one thing, you won't be expected to be actively involved in court fuctions for a good long time, and I sincerely doubt that your father's going to send you anywhere out of sight for –" Mekanek gave a chuckle. "Well, let's just say I think you're going to have to persuade him that you're ready, not the other way round." The master had a private suspicion that Randor wasn't going to want to be out of sight of his son for more than five minutes at once for the next few months, possibly even the next year. It would make sleeping arrangements awkward.

"I don't understand what you mean," Adam said. "Why would I have to persuade him?"

"Because he's likely to be very protective of you for awhile."

"Oh," Adam replied, looking down at the board again. "It's your turn."

They played in quiet for awhile, then Adam said, "I miss Phillip, too."

Mekanek gave his prince a grin. "Thanks for telling me." A few minutes later, the game ended as Mekanek pulled his final pieces off the board. Without consulting him, Adam commenced setting the board up for another game. Mekanek smiled and helped get things set up.

As the new game started, Adam began telling him stories, his memories of Phillip, some of them things Mekanek had never heard before. It was as if mentioning his grief over his son's disappearance and death had opened up a door in Adam's thoughts, through which memories poured. It was lovely to hear the boy speak of his son with such affection. No one ever spoke of Phillip, hadn't done in many years. He knew it was because people weren't certain how to discuss the subject with the bereaved father, but there had been times when he'd felt so alone in his grief, so much as if no one else remembered his only son.

Hearing Adam speak about him touched Mekanek deeply, though after awhile, he found himself wondering if Adam was attempting to distract him from the tenor of the conversation. He didn't suppose it mattered much. He didn't want to spend too much time on Adam's emotional state, because Adam would get tired of it and want to stop discussing it. Since Adam had made the change of subject, Mekanek decided to go along with it for now.

It startled him how vivid the boy's memories of Phillip were. After all, Adam had been six when . . . at the time of the fire that claimed Phillip's life. Nevertheless, Adam remembered many things about Mekanek's son.

"He used to play card games with us," Adam said. "That was before Raon was at court much, and most of the other children were older than us and said we were too little for cards." The prince's lips twisted into a wry grin. "We probably were, at that, but Phillip was always willing to let us play with him. And card games always seemed so . . . so grown up."

It made Mekanek feel very good to hear how much Phillip had affected Adam's childhood, and how positively. It was good to know that his life, short as it had been, had nevertheless had an impact on those around him.

Gradually their conversation grew more general, and Mekanek let it flow naturally, figuring that Adam needed that right now, too. Ordinary, unfocused talking could be very good for the spirit. Marlena and Randor, who had relaxed as Mekanek had soothed Adam's worries regarding court, seemed to be engaging in a little conversation themselves.

After a time, Randor stood and started to walk across the room. Adam jumped a little at the sound of the footfalls and turned, the muscles of his shoulders taut as bowstrings. "Where are you going?" he asked, his voice high with tension.

Randor turned and tilted his head. "The privy," he said calmly, though Mekanek could see the worry in his eyes. Marlena, too, was watching with more than a little concern.

Adam's ears turned scarlet, and he turned back to face Mekanek, who had already returned his attention to the board so as not to be noticing the boy's embarrassment. Given the limited options for Randor's movements, it surprised him a little to find Adam so paranoid about his father getting up. On the other hand, everything he'd heard from Duncan indicated that he had developed an intense dependence on Randor.

It was worth noting that Marlena had gotten up earlier and left the room, and Adam, while noticing the fact, had neither objected nor become alarmed. The queen still sat on the sofa, her attention focused on something in her lap, whether a book or some sort of handiwork, Mekanek wasn't sure.

The prince started to play again, but he didn't speak, and Mekanek thought he'd better let him work things out on his own for a bit. Cringer started purring at the Adam's feet, and he bent to scratch his cat's head.

When Randor returned, he walked over to the table and sat down beside Adam who smiled up at his father, despite the faint flush that darkened his cheeks again. "So, how's the game coming?" Randor asked.

"Okay," Adam said.

"He's keeping me on my toes," Mekanek said.

"Really?" Randor asked. "Well, this is a game I've never mastered. I couldn't see the point, since the goal seems to be to lose all your pieces."

"Oh, no," Adam replied. "I think of it as . . . well, say you've got a couple of squads of troops that you've had stationed around an area. It's getting them all home once that area's turned hostile." The prince continued to explain the game in military terms, and Mekanek watched Randor's slow nods of understanding. "You want to keep your guys together as much as possible, because if you leave one alone and he's spotted by your enemy's forces, he'll be captured and you have to focus all your attention on getting him free before you can move anybody further. And nobody can be permitted the safety of the barracks until everyone's accounted for in relatively safe territory."

Randor watched the game progress, and Mekanek watched the pair of them together. If there was any good to come out of this, it would be the renewed closeness between father and son. One hoped it would survive the rigors of a return to normal life for both of them.

Dinner arrived and the five of them ate together, for Dorgan joined them at Marlena's insistence. Just as they were finishing up, there was a knock at the door. Duncan came in without waiting for an answer and walked across to them. "Good evening, all," he said. "How are you, Adam?"

"Well, I'd like it if people who don't like me would stop paying attention to me, but apart from that, I'm fine."

Duncan nodded. "Well, it's good to see you. You were asleep when I came by last night."

Adam grinned suddenly. "Mom stabbed Skeletor!" he said with the first animation he'd shown since speaking of Phillip. "So now both Mom and Dad have forced Skeletor out of Grayskull. If he had any sense he'd just retreat into Snake Mountain and stop trying to bug us."

"Unfortunately, he doesn't appear to have much sense."

"Neither of them does," Adam said. "I mean, I'm in Grayskull. That's not the easiest place in the world for people like them to get into, yet they're both acting like they think they can just pluck me out with no troubles at all."

"Well, they're not the brightest people in the world," Mekanek said. "Or they wouldn't keep after you when you've got He-Man's protection."

"True enough," Randor said, but Adam's eyes grew troubled, and Mekanek wondered why.

"Well, Randor, I have some things I need to discuss with you," Duncan said. "Some things Jenkins brought to my attention."

"Of course," the king said, and Marlena, giving Adam a kiss on the cheek, walked with them over to the sitting area. Adam seemed disinclined to follow.

"Did Duncan tell you all why Skeletor wants me?" Adam asked him after a few moments.

"The thing about your being a well?" The prince nodded. "Yes, he told the masters, at the same time he told us about your suicide attempt."

"Oh," Adam said, looking down at the table. "What did they all say?" he asked.

"They were very upset," Mekanek said.

"Yeah. I'm sure they all think I'm some kind of pathetic idiot."

"Nothing of the kind," Mekanek replied, startled. "Adam, the masters are . . . we've all missed you dreadfully."

"Missed me?" he repeated, shaking his head. "I'm useless. What is there to miss?"

Mekanek was more than a little stunned by this reaction. "Adam, you're one of us. Didn't you know that?"

The boy shrugged. "Well, I know some of you feel that way, but not everyone, surely. I mean, I'm always disappearing when there's real work to be done."

"Adam, when we'd first gotten started looking for Daviona, your mother came to us, to thank us for the efforts we'd put in searching for you, and for what we were about to do." The prince shrugged again. "One of the masters said, 'Adam is one of us. What she did to him, she did to us all.'" Adam stared at him, clearly utterly stunned by this information. "Would you care to guess who said that?"

His eyes were wide with surprise, and he didn't respond.

Mekanek waited a short time and said, "It was Buzz Off, and he was quite serious. You know as well as I do that Buzz Off isn't given to political niceties."

Adam shook his head wonderingly. "No, when Buzz Off says something, he means it." He sat staring into the distance for a moment. "Buzz Off really said that?"

"I wouldn't make something like that up," Mekanek replied.

"No, I wasn't – I didn't mean that," Adam said hastily. He looked down at his hands, and Mekanek wondered what he was thinking. "But . . . don't any of them think I'm overreacting? I mean, I know that some people would think it was a dream come true, to be sexually . . . I mean to say, some men might think I was being silly to react so negatively to Davi's interest in me."

"Anyone who thought that would be a fool, Adam," Mekanek said. "And not one of the masters is that kind of fool." Adam didn't respond, seeming still too startled to know what to say. "You're not useless," Mekanek said. "You serve an important purpose both at the palace and among the masters. You're very good with people, Adam, very good at helping them to see their own strengths and at helping them to get past the inevitable differences of opinion that arise." Mekanek tilted his head thoughtfully. "It's a trait you share with He-Man, though, frankly, I think you're better at it than he is. You know us all better because you're there day in and day out. He-Man is still something of an outsider even with all the help he provides."

"Still," Adam said. "You could get on without me. You've been doing fine in this search for Davi, right? And you all found me."

"We had help in finding you," Mekanek said. "And don't you go thinking of yourself as expendable. Ram-Man was here, the day you . . ." Mek gulped, not wanting to say the words so bluntly aloud. "He gathered us all together, but he didn't tell us what had happened." The recollection of the emotions he had felt at that time was not pleasant. "I was certain you couldn't be dead, Rammy didn't have the right sort of distress for that, but I don't think most of the others know him well enough to recognize that."

"People thought I was dead?" Adam asked, looking stymied. Mekanek permitted himself a small smile. He hadn't thought Adam was the sort of person who thought about how people would react after his suicide. His reasons for suicide didn't encourage that sort of thinking.

"They did. It was devastating." Mekanek paused, pursing his lips. "Losing you would be rather like losing Phillip all over again, not just for me but for everyone."

As he'd expected, this made Adam's eyes go wide and his face go white. The boy hadn't considered too closely what the impact of his death would have been on the court, the other masters, probably not even his family. So caught up in feelings of worthlessness and self-loathing, that the most he had likely even thought of was that they would all be better off without him. Dispelling that notion would go a long way towards heading off future attempts.

The thought, however, and the comparison, were enough to bring tears to Mekanek's eyes. He pulled off his goggles and drew a handkerchief from his pocket, pressing it to his eyes. "Mekanek, don't – why are you –" Adam seemed unable to complete his question, but he got up and, moving around the table, he sat down next to Mekanek and put an arm around his shoulders. "I'm sorry," he said, his voice choked with tears. "I'm sorry."