Chapter Thirty-six

"Colonel?"

"Yes, Salen?"

"I need..." Salen hesitated and looked around Beckett's office. "I would like to speak to Commander Spock."

"Spock? You know that's easier said than done."

"Most things are." Salen replied seriously. "However, I feel strongly that I must speak with him."

"The problem with hailing Spock from the Diamond is that he happens to be the husband of Starfleet's most talented Communications Officer, and I can't imagine that he hasn't picked up a trick or two from her over the years. If we contact him he will no doubt instantly know that it is not the Excelsior that is calling."

"I had not thought of that complication."

"Is there something wrong?"

"It is...difficult to explain. The doctor has told me I am perfectly healthy, however, something still seems wrong."

"Wrong how?"

"I would rather not discuss the details." Salen said quietly. "I think I need to speak with another Vulcan to fully understand it myself."

"You think he can give you some insight into this that a human can't?"

"Precisely."

"Perhaps not. Salen, every Dog has trouble adjusting to this life at first. It's not unusual. Plus your last mission was a particularly stressful one." Beckett said paternally. "I could take you off the next mission if yo..."

"No." Salen answered quickly. "No, please, I wish to go on the next mission."

"Well that was going to be my other suggestion. Another mission might get your mind off the last one. It's a very straight forward one as well, illegal arms dealer."

"I do not..." Salen shifted his weight uncomfortably. "I do not need to look into anyone's mind for this, do I?"

"No." Beckett shook his head. "We know everything we need. We're just going to drop in, and say hello. Perhaps blow up some of his merchandise, and hopefully get him killed in the process."

"You do not plan to simply arrest him?"

"Dogs only take prisoners if they need something from them...and they don't tend to last long in our care."

"So I have noticed."

"Salen, go on this next mission, if you still feel the need to talk to Spock afterward I will make arrangements to get you on the Excelsior to make the call."

"Thank you, Sir."

"Anytime, Dingo."

Salen forced a smile and turned to leave. Beckett watched him with concern. The doctor hadn't been able to tell him why Salen had suddenly passed out when the device was deactivate. It had looked like a sudden drop in heart rate that had lead to his blood pressure dipping so low that it couldn't keep blood pumping to brain upon standing. However, there was no root cause. Now that it was back on Salen appeared healthy according to the medical read outs.

Salen paused at the door and turned around once more. He walked back up to Beckett's desk. He started compulsively rubbing at his forearms, stopping only to scratch behind the ear that held the small green gem. He looked agitated in his own skin and indecisive about speaking again.

"Salen?"

"I was just wondering..." Salen hesitated again "I was wondering when the Excelsior is due for shore leave?"

"Looking to get back to Joanna already, eh?" Beckett chuckled. "Not that I blame you."

"I was actually hoping to see my father."

"I see, well the Excelsior, and therefore you, are due back to Earth for shore leave in about six months."

"Thank you, Sir."

Salen looked around the room and shifted his weight once more. Still rubbing at his arms he looked like he wanted to say more. Instead he turned and left. Beckett stared thoughtfully at the door for a moment. Pressing the intercom he cleared his throat.

"Razor?"

"Yes, Sir?"

"Do me a favore and makre sure that Salen is okay."

"He need to talk to a shrink." Razor grumbled.

"He needs to talk to a friend."

"Alright." Razor sighed. "Doc give him a clean bill of physical health?"

"Yup."

"That's a start. I'll go see if I can cheer him up."

"Good man."

Stalking the hallways of the Black Diamond the last thing Salen was looking for was a friend. Feeling restless and exhausted at the same time he paced around aimlessly. Salen wasn't sure why but he had a feeling that if he laid down to rest that he would never wake again. He could feel his heart slowing down as he continued to pace, each breath took more effort than the last.

Salen didn't understand, had felt so alive and energetic after his painful encounter with Toby and his force knife, but it was wearing off now. The depression that was settling over him now worried Salen. He had wanted to ask Spock if Vulcans kept such tight reins on their emotions to avoid the extreme highs and lows that he'd been suffering from lately.

Without really realizing what he was doing Salen brought his arm up and sunk his teeth into his own flesh. Even through the tough fabric of his uniform Salen was able to inflict a painful bite. The pain brought with it a wash of adrenaline that helped raise his heart rate and made it easier to breath.

"Hungry, Salen?"

Salen jumped at the sound of Razor's voice. He quickly brought his arm down and then wiped the drool from his lips with the back of his other hand to help hide the evidence. Razor forced a smile and Salen flushed causing the scars on his face to turn bright green.

"I...uh...I had an itch."

"One you can't seem to scratch, eh?"

"Something like that."

"So...um...you okay?" Razor asked uncomfortably.

"I am fine."

"Right, good. Nothing that you need to...er...talk about?"

"Beckett put you up to this."

"Yes, yes he did." Razor smiled.

"I thought so." Salen chuckled. "I am okay, just adjusting to Dog life."

"It's not easy, but it's worth it. This next mission should be a fun one. We get to blow some shit up."

"Do you trust me to come along?"

"Salen, you got us out of a situation that I didn't think either one of us were going to live through." Razor said seriously. "I can't think of anyone else in the galaxy that I'd rather have by my side in a crisis."

"Thank you, Razor, that means a lot to me." Salen replied. "I feel the same about you."

"Things can only get better from here Salen. No more of this undercover shit, we'll just go in and do what we do best."

"And what is that?"

"Kicking ass."

Salen laughed along with Razor. He stumbled forward slightly when Razor gave him a powerful playful slap to the back. Assuming everything was alright Razor told Salen that he was going to get some rest and advised that he do the same. Salen agreed, but once again returned to roaming the halls in an attempt to stay awake. Without realizing it Salen made his way to the door way that lead to Toby's lair.

"Just walk away, Salen." Salen muttered to himself. "This is not right, no Vulcan feels this way, no Vulcan seeks this..."

Even as Salen was trying to talk himself out of it his mind was starting to figure out how to get past the security. Looking around to ensure that he was alone Salen stepped up to the access panel. Getting into the computer system was actually easier on the Diamond than on the Intrepid.

"Of course the Diamond's greatest safe guard is the fact that so few know it even exists."

After five minutes of slinking around inside the door's computer codes Salen managed to convince the door to slide open for him. Knowing that what he was about to do was a criminal act Salen hesitated. When he started struggling to breath Salen decided that he had no choice. Stepping into the elaborate torture chamber he went directly to the drawer where Toby kept the force knife.

His original plan was to simply use the knife a few times on his arm and satisfy the odd craving he was having. However, once the knife was in his hand he wasn't sure that he could leave it behind. He gripped the bland handle tightly and stared at the gleaming illusionary blade.

"Logically Toby should never need to use this again. Now that I am here there is no longer a reason to gain information through torture and force...it will not be missed."

Salen put the knife back in its case and tucked the case under his arm. Leaving the room Salen closed the door and replaced the panel that he had removed. It was getting late and the halls were mostly deserted. Salen tensed when Cobalt came down the opposite direction, but the young Dog simply greeted Salen and moved on.

Getting back to his quarters Salen closed the door and locked it. His heart rate was already higher just from stealing the knife and he wondered if he still even needed it. Salen placed the case down on his bed and paced back and forth for a moment. Closing his eyes he concentrated on his heart. He could feel and heart the vital organ struggling to maintain its fast paced Vulcan rhythm.

"I am not dying, the doctor says I am healthy...it is all in my head."

Turning his back on the case Salen crossed his arms over his chest and tried to put it out of his mind. Failing miserably he eventually turned his attention back to the case and the knife it contained. Looking around Salen made sure that he was alone before opening the case and pulling out the knife.

Sitting down on the floor Salen leaned his back against his bed. With the knife firmly held in his right hand he held his left palm just above the sharp tip. Holding his breath he stared at the blade as his hand began to tremble above it. Feeling the edge of his consciousness turning black Salen slammed his palm down on the imaginary blade.

The frictionless knife plunged effortlessly through the sensitive flesh and bone of Salen's hand. Throwing his head back Salen ground his teeth together to keep from screaming. The act of violence against himself caused the gem behind his ear to glow and flooded his system with a combination of adrenaline and endorphins. His heart which had been slowly succumbing to Pa'nar suddenly got the kick it needed.

Salen weld his eyes shut as the conflicting sensations of punishment and reward swept over him. With the knife still in his palm he twisted the blade. His nerves sang out to his damaged sympathetic nervous system and forced it to react. When he felt that his heart still wasn't performing as it should Salen pulled the blade from his hand and buried it into his side. Gasping from the illusion of having his heart pierced Salen finally got the reaction he was looking for.

Feeling truly alive once again Salen slowly pulled the knife from his side and laid it gently on the floor. Breathing as though he'd just run a marathon Salen chuckled and pulled his hands through his hair. Enjoying the high Salen arched his back and growled. Eventually he got to his feet. Bending down he picked the knife up and put it back in its case. He slid the case under his bed and looked around with an expression of guilt.

Salen's mind wandered back to when Admiral Pike had found him cutting himself just a week after being set free. He had needed the familiarity of the pain to help him cope with the stress of having his entire life changed, even though it had been for the better. Salen didn't truly understand how it had helped then and he certainly couldn't fathom why the self inflicted pain removed his symptoms now. All he knew was that this was what it was going to take to perform at his best.

"I am only hurting myself...and there is no blood. So where is the harm?"