Twenty Years Later- Bunbunmaru Spirit News archives
Lazy Shinigami comes up with terrible excuse for slacking!
As I am sure you know, death is no small thing, even to short-lived creatures such as humans. Every creature in this whole wide world fears death, and those who don't are either mad or close to death themselves.
Regarding such a fearful topic, one would expect there to be among the best service possible for the deceased once they finally do kick the bucket. However, instead, we have Komachi Onozuka, the most lazy ferryman shinigami in the history of shinigami, though I'm not sure if there have been any other ferrymen shinigami in the history of shinigami.
Regardless, her poor efforts are slowing the entire afterlife down. And as a responsible reporter, I considered it my job to remind her of her duties. When I came up to her, she was sunbathing by the edge of the Sanzu river, not even caring about her job in the slightest. Therefore I had to confront her for the good of everyone's afterlife, and began with strong words.
Aya: Hey! What do you think you're doing?
Komachi: (lifts sunglasses) Oh, it's you again. You're not looking to commit suicide again, are you?
Aya: Do you say that every time someone shows up?
Komachi: It's standard protocol for me to make an enquiry about non-deceased people entering a realm of the deceased. Someone should really make a border to this place. That border youkai certainly picks and chooses her duties...
Aya: As do you! There are no doubt several people dying right now, and you're not ferrying them to their rightful location!
Komachi: Will you be quiet? I'm on leave.
Aya: Leave? But... but shinigami don't have leave!
Komachi: What would you know about shinigami? You're another mortal, long-lived as you might be. Though I will admit this leave is not officially sanctioned. (sips from a pina colada)
Aya: Then you should be working!
Komachi: (sighs) There is no work. The outside world had a medical revolution.
Aya: Medical revolution?
Komachi: Yeah. The medical humans genetically engineered a retrovirus that counteracts the HIV virus, and medical care has become more readily available in the poorer areas of the world. In the richer countries, their lifespan is now as high as two hundred, and scientists think that some of them will live for a thousand years...
Aya: Humans? Live as long as youkai? Pah! I don't believe it! Your excuses are pathetic!
Komachi: I'm telling the truth. My workload isn't nothing, but it's minimal. The only downside to sunbathing all the time is that when a human does die, I barely have time to put on my clothes. I sometimes have to take the deceased to Eiki in my bikini. It's rather embarrassing.
Aya: (quietly) With a body like that, I'd want to show it off every occasion I got... I'm still mad about you refusing to be part of the swimsuit edition...
Komachi: What did you say? (Aya takes a photograph) W-wait, what are you doing?
Aya: Just taking something for next year's swimsuit edition ahead of time.
Komachi: (sighs) Anyway, what I'm saying is true. The humans may have once been short-lived prey to you youkai, but with their scepticism, science, and technology, they're close to becoming youkai themselves.
Aya: Seriously, you're willing to make such a long-winded, hair-brained excuse like that just to save your own skin?
Komachi: I'm not lying. Why would I lie about such a thing?
Aya: Because you're a slacker and you've had all the time in the world to come up with an elaborate excuse?
Komachi: Hm... you have a point there. But like it or not, this isn't an excuse. I know this quiet period isn't going to last, so I'm living it up for all I can.
Aya: Huh? But I thought humans are becoming like youkai? Surely by that point...
Komachi: ...humans are still breeding like rabbits, but not dying as often. There'll come a point where there'll be more humans than there is food to support them. At that point, many will die, and I'll have to work extra hard. So for the time being, I'm enjoying some leave. Now, unless you want to go to the Yama and get sorted into a realm for the dead permanently, then I suggest you leave.
Aya: Never! Not until you tell the truth!
Komachi: (brings sunglasses up) I told you the truth.
Aya: But... but that can't be it! You're the slacker, you always have been, you can't be playing by the rules, you can't be invested in matters related to your job!
Komachi: They say the same of the youkai gatekeeper of the Scarlet Devil Mansion, but she does her job as adequately as the next woman, albeit with a few... (sips pina colada) ...rests.
Aya: I... I... I don't believe you!
Komachi: Oh, hold on, there's a guy who just got ran over and died on impact with the ground. I've got to go and do my job. (stands up picks up her scythe as a ghostly man appears)
Ghost: What... what happened? There was a car horn, and now I'm here with... a beautiful woman in a bikini with a scythe?
Komachi: You're dead. I'm a ferryman to the afterlife. Forgive my state of undress, it is careless on my part, but not as careless as you were. You didn't listen when your mother told you to look left, look right, and look left again, did you?
Ghost: Well, I suppose not. Who's the woman in clothes there?
Aya: I'm Aya Shameimaru, tengu reporter extraordi-
Komachi: She's a passionately suicidal person looking for a painless way to her spiritual life. Come with me, I'll take you to the Yama. She'll weigh your sins. You should find you have some coins in your heart. These are from your good deeds.
Ghost: (gingerly puts hand inside chest, takes out a bag of coins) ...are these the coins?
Komachi: (takes the bag, empties it into her cleavage) Yes, they are. Let's hope it's enough to make your journey a short one. (begins to walk away, with the ghost man checking her out from behind)
Aya: W-wait! Come back, I'm not done with...
Ghost: Well, the afterlife doesn't seem so bad if these are the death gods...
And with that, she just left me! I have never been so insulted in all my life! Just... dismissing me like that! I hope that it is plain to see that the sloth of a shinigami was lying through her teeth!
To see such lack of commitment and dismissiveness in afterlife catering professionals is sickening, and should you see the woman in your travels, be sure to remind her of her duty. Shinigami such as her need to be vigilant, ever-working. I speak for the good of everyone, the good of the afterlife!
I'm sure that Shikieiki Yamaxanadu would approve of this article, as she no doubt disapproves of her subordinate's lazy ways. Though she does need t get her act together and discipline her shinigami rather than leaving it to good people like myself. In fact, that is where I shall head next! I shall tell Eiki myself about her lenience and the damage it is doing!
Article written by Aya Shameimaru
Present-day hindsight: Like, the moment Aya was done with writing this article, she sped out of her house, and I like, had to read the article to get why. She came back with a super-red face, she must have got totally schooled by the Yama.
Like, seriously, Aya does like to talk with absolute authority, she would love to be a yama. Though I can totally imagine that she'd be a bad yama... like, hopefully Aya isn't reading this.