Where's my baby?
Chapter 36 – Thinking!
Emily stayed in bed a little longer, still trying to sleep, but she couldn't, her mind was on overdrive.
She kept thinking.
She wondered how life would've been so different if she had looked after Lilly, if she had another little child she could look after, she wanted to be a mom so badly, although she was Lilly's biological mother she hadn't looked after her so she wished for another chance.
She wouldn't be like her parents and work all the time so she had no time for her kids.
Emily wouldn't think that money is more important than family, she would love her kids unconditionally and pay more attention to her kids when she was around and not on cases. She would play with them equally and spend the whole day with them as a family on Christmas day. She would do everything her parents didn't do with her.
Emily then started thinking how she might have turned out differently if her parents had shown her a bit more that they loved her and wasn't always disappointed in her.
An hour later she was still thinking and she was starting to get upset. She got out of bed, she decided to do something that would take her mind of all the things she was thinking.
She went to get her bag and her keys, she sat down to put on her shoes and walked out of the door carefully, she went down and out of her apartment to get some fresh air, and Emily went round the corner where there was a bench so she could sit down.
Emily let out a sigh of relief when she sat down as her body was still aching and she was tired. She went in her bag and took out her purse, taking out the ultrasound picture she had of Lilly and smiled.
She took out her lighter and pack of cigarettes. Lighting it up she took a drag from it and closed her eyes. She smiled slightly, this was making her feel better, making her forget a few things she didn't want to remember.
She was afraid to sleep because of the nightmares she knew she would have.
The ache in her body was getting too much and she had forgotten her pills up stairs, even though she didn't want to take the pills she knew she had to, so she finished her cigarette and went back upstairs slowly.
After she took her painkiller she went in the bathroom to have a shower, she was feeling extremely emotional and she didn't like it, she was hoping her shower would help her relax.
Once she had gotten out, she looked at herself in the mirror and sighed, she still had a few bruises, on her arms, her stomach and a few on her legs. She looked at the long cut going across her thigh and she remembered the pain she felt when he cut her, she couldn't stop the bleeding as her hands where tied, that was also a time that she couldn't control her emotions and she hated it.
Before she even knew what she was doing she grabbed something she knew she shouldn't have but now all she wanted was to control her emotions, it seemed the shower hadn't helped after all.
She sat in front of the mirror and looked at her arms, she shook her head and closed her eyes, all the ugly thoughts and the memories faded away when she felt the razor cut her wrist, when she looked down and opened her eyes she felt and saw the blood drip down her arm, going onto the floor, that was just another scar going on her arm. She did it again and watched as more blood dripped on the floor, she was starting to feel better and she could finally control her emotions, she cut one more time feeling completely in control now, a few tears ran down her face and she quickly wiped them away, she wasn't supposed to cry but she couldn't help it, everything that happened in the last couple of weeks were too much and she wanted to control something once again.
Emily snapped out of it when she heard her phone go off. She quickly stood up; she went to grab a towel and wet it, wiping the floor quickly and then throwing it in the wash.
She went to get dressed quickly putting a black hoodie over her arms and then went over to check her phone but as she was about to do that there was a knock on her door, she sighed, she wasn't sure she was in the mood for anyone to come around at the moment, she wanted some alone time.
Then she was grateful that someone had come over, because as much as she wanted to be alone; if she was alone all she would do is think, and she had done enough of that today, she hadn't slept either, so she was still extremely tired.
She moved towards the door, looking at who it was, she smiled and opened the door letting them come in.
'Hey what are you doing here?' Emily asked, clearly surprised.
'We came with some food, because you're not aloud to go out we thought we would bring some food here to you,' Lilly explained, Hotch putting the food down.
Emily smiled. 'Not that I'm not grateful or anything because I am, I'm just not hungry at the moment.'
'You need to eat, I don't think you're getting away with not eating,' Lilly said seriously.
'I'm really not hungry.'
'You must be Emily, you haven't eaten in a couple of days and that's really not good for you,' Hotch said, concern in his voice.
'I'm fine…' Emily said and then looked at both of them who were almost glaring at her, Emily sighed. 'Okay I'll eat a little but that's it.'
'That's fine, as long as you eat…' Lilly responded, happily. 'Did you get any sleep?' Lilly asked next.
Emily swallowed and nodded her head, 'yeaH I…'
'Emily don't lie to us…' Hotch said to her.
She sighed in response and said, 'I tried but I couldn't…'
'How long did you try?' Hotch asked.
'I don't know a couple of hours,' Emily frowned and bit her lip. 'I had too many thoughts running through my head, it was making my head spin, I felt so dizzy and I don't think anyone could sleep if they were thinking the same as me,' Emily explained.
Emily felt she was still bleeding so before they could say anything she said she would be back in a second, running to the bathroom.
She pulled up her sleeve quickly, wrapping a bandage on her wrist. Emily sorted out her bandage and then pulled her sleeve down again, walking out of the bathroom after washing her hands. She walked back in, remembering to put her razor where she always does so nobody would find it, then went out again, turning of the light.
'I'm back sorry,' Emily said and she saw Lilly giving her a strange look, Emily sighed, Lilly knew what she done, she couldn't hide from Lilly even if she tried, she would definitely know just like she knows now.
Lilly would speak to Emily later and ask if she wanted to talk about it. It must've been difficult for Emily to deal with, she wondered what kind of thoughts were going through her head whilst she was trying to sleep, it must've been bad if Emily had hurt herself again.
Hotch had gone to the bathroom, and when he came back he had a frown on his face. 'What's wrong?' Emily asked.
'There's blood on the floor,' Hotch said, giving her a look. Emily sighed, she had been caught.
'Where is it?' Emily replied.
'In the bathroom by the mirror and cupboard,' he said.
'Oh um… one of my scratches started bleeding so it must've gone on the floor, I tried to wipe it but I guess not all of it came off, I'll go and wipe it up now' Emily lied. "SHIT!" Emily thought to herself.
'Oh its okay I've done it… is it okay now?' Hotch asked, more concerned.
'Thank you… yeah its okay now,' Emily replied. Feeling grateful that Hotch believed her, but then she felt bad for lying to him and changed her mind.
'Are you sure? There was quite a lot of blood,' Hotch told her.
'No I hurt myself again… let's eat now before the food gets cold,' Emily suggested, she really wanted out of this conversation, it was uncomfortable for her and she didn't want to have to explain.
'Emily we have to talk about it,' Hotch said walking over to her. He was concerned.
'No I don't want to talk about it yet.'
'Are you okay?' Lilly asked quietly when Hotch had gone into the other room.
Emily got tears in her eyes. 'I don't know if I'm okay, I'll think about it and then tell you,' Emily told her.
Lilly nodded her head and then gave her a hug, 'I'm here to listen if you want to talk,' Lilly whispered to her.
Emily returned the hug and said, 'thank you,' before they walked into the other room.