Author's notes: Words in bold are from Lana Del Rey's song "Every Man Gets His Wish"
June 8th,
Dearest Diary,
*We're forever young in Paradise*
Watching Lucius and Dolohov graduate should have been inspiring; instead I was riddled with jealousy at their newfound freedom from the chains of childhood that held the upcoming 7th years, like me for example, unwilling immobilized soldiers in our war against impurity in the name of our dearest Dark Lord. Lucius had been boasting in his characteristic drawl for weeks about his upcoming meetings with the Dark Lord, about his official induction, the riches of adventure that awaited him and Dolohov.
It was with frustration the rest of the DEY would listen, Rosier and Nott muttering about "Just wait til I graduate, Lucius is more talk than action, pale faced prat…"
"What was that, children?" Lucius smirked at the pair of them, especially smug, "Sorry, don't you lot have some charms essays to write? I'm busing OWLing my father about my summer… I doubt I'll be around very much, not a ton of time for a YOUTH organization…"
"Oh shut it, Mr. Malfoy," Roddy rolled his eyes, "You know you'll be around to brag and prance about in your big-boy robes,"
Lucius smiled, "Perhaps, if you're all lucky enough"
Severus, only headed into his sixth year, threw his herbology book, and it collided beautifully against the side of Lucius' over-inflated head.
The feast before graduation was an eventful one as the first two members of the DEY were leaving more than the DEY behind them, but a legacy. Thus it was no surprise when we took our exit after absurd amounts of celebratory cuisine that the Gryffindors somehow found themselves all glued to their chairs, or that Dumbledore sighed heavily shaking his head at the snickering Slytherins before undoing the jinx with an exasperated swish of his long sturdy wand.
"I'll let the last prank slide, as long as there are no giant spiders, illicit photographs, or jinxed love-crazy ghosts about to appear," Hesitated flatly, and very pointedly to the members of the DEY.
It was Gideon who caught up to us in the hall, Ted following him, calling out something about "You have the maturity of a baby house-elf!"
"I'm not jinxing them, mate, keep your knickers on," Gideon retorted quickly, over his shoulder as he at last reached Lucius, Roddy, Dolohov, Severus, and myself, all of whom were not particularly in the mood for dueling after the heavy feast and escape of consequence for the seat-to-arse-gluing.
"Okay, what do you want, Blood traitor?" I asked, tapping my foot in impatience.
"Well, I'm graduating tomorrow, going into auror training, and I just want you all to know- I do hope it's me that catches your sorry arses, breaks your wee wands and throws you into Azkaban." He said, eyes narrowed, voice low, as though this threat had any sort of resounding importance,
"Is that all?" Lucius raised his eye-brows.
'You want a longer speech?" Gideon smirked slightly, "Because, you know, if I must I could really say some heartfelt good-byes and reminisce for a bit about our friendship the past 7 years,"
"Did you actually just make a joke?" I scoffed, "Graduation has lightened you up a bit, my orphan nemesis,"
"Whatever, Bellatrix," Gideon laughed, "See you all the in the real world. With real duels. And real consequences,"
As he walked away, meeting Ted, Frank, and Fabian who shot us looks of exhausting contempt, we burst into laughter, walking back towards the common room.
After several bottles of firewhsikey, the Slytherin common room resembled more like the Hogshead and less like anything resembling a room that should be found in a school.
"And then," Lucius was regaling Narcissa and her other third year friends with the story of Fabian getting the jelly and hippogriff feathers poured over him on the quiddich match, "He just comes to a halt, right there on his broom, looking like the chicken-squawking blood traitor he truly is-"
Roddy and I were sitting by the fire when a couple of second years approached us, two little girls, so small in their stature, more like babies than pre-teens, eyes wide, reflecting our impressive silhouettes against the flames.
"You're Bellatrix Black," One of them said softly.
"That is correct," I replied uncertainly, exchanging perplexed looks with Roddy who shrugged.
"My name is-"
"Okay, honestly honey, I don't care- what is it that you want?" I demanded, irritably, I had been enjoying the burn of the whiskey and listening to Lucius and Dolohov entertain the others with the stories past, feeling nostalgic as the night seemed to be burning itself out through it's late hours at an expediated pace.
"Oh!" She squeaked anxiously, "I was just wondering- I mean- all those stories about you, and your jinxes, and your Dark Lord club, and your random romantic triangles, and your wanting to be a future Death Eater, I mean, is it all true? It makes you sound like a made-up character….Is it all true? You'd be a great book, you should write one about your life,"
Thinking of you, my darling diary, the essence of my heart and honesty, I smiled slightly, "Whatever you've heard, little one, multiply it,"
She and her friend both smiled up at Roddy and I, and suppress it as we tried, I grinned back, "That's bloody cool,"
"I think so too," I conceded with a wink, "Now go play, or whatever kids do these days. Just remember- don't talk to mudbloods or muggles, do well in school, and um- don't do anything I wouldn't do"
Beaming, the two girls returned to a game of wizard's chess, occasionally glancing up at Roddy and I with admiration in their little bambi eyes.
"Don't do anything you wouldn't do…" Roddy repeated my last piece of advice with a chuckle, "That doesn't rule too much out, my love,"
And with a kiss, we slowly fell asleep by the fire on the velvet embrace of the fireside sofe, Lucius talking somewhere in the background
"And he actually, in front of everyone, made us tell us something no one knew about us, and it's all boring stuff, except all of the Prewett's clothing is red and gold because they wank off to Godric Gryffindor, and James Potthead wants to start a band…"
The fire crackled, Narcisssa laughed like a bell, and all became soft and calm and disappeared into slumber.
The day of the train ride back Lucius, Dolohov and the other graduating students had sailed off, literally across the lake, against the blazing June sun, into their futures, leaving the rest of us school children to board the crimson Hogwarts express for, in my case, a final summer of adolescence, the summer of my 17th birthday, and the beginning of my career- or so I hope.
*Gonna see it all before he says goodbye
Every man deserves to see the sunrise
Every man gets his wish
Every man gets his wish
You told me this
Where is mine?*
It seemed the very second the train's engines ignited and began the journey towards summer skies and midnights, Fabian appeared, beside him Frank Longbottom. Both young wastes of wands and time stood boldly before my compartment which included Roddy, Junior, Severus, Rosier, and Reggie.
"You know, I wish I could say I was surprised here, but you morons always seem to think train rides mean battles, which- you should generally remember- we tend to win," Roddy began, in one of his monologue moods, eyes flashing with annoyance at their snide expressions, " So we're going to insult your blood traitor lifestyle, probably mock Prewett's lack of parents, remind Fat-Longbottom he's a disgrace to the pureblood status and the wizarding community in general. Then, in retaliation, because you can't control your impulses for even a moment to realize you're acting like a child, you'll probably throw some weak hexes our way, call us evil, tell Bella she's a bitch, tell Severus to wash his hair, then we will, in return, jinx the living fuck out of you, then you leave, we'll clean up the compartment and discuss how entirely predictable and sad the Gryffindor house truly is,"
"That sounds pretty damn on point, Lestrange," Severus smirked, and regarded the Gryffindors with a roll of his dark, tired eyes, "So must we commence or can Roddy's summation of the events replace the actual battle scene?"
"Because, you incessant prats, we have firewhiskey and we're trying to celebrate Gideon Prewett's soon to be coming death in peace," Rosier piped up with a smirk
Frank, in warning grabbed Fabian's wand hand that immediately stretched towards his back pocket, "We aren't here on those terms, though you have the art of storytelling well done, you might want to brush up on your diviniation, because we only come bearing a message, you slimy gits,"
"Deliver it then, Longbottom, and then get out of our sight, your stinking up our compartment with your flobberworms breath," Reggie urged, and then added brightly, "And make sure to tell Sirius mum is going to kill him and put his head up on a plaque by all our old dead house elves, who are, by the way, better looking than you two pieces of blood traitor scum,"
"I'll see if I can remember the precise wording, but I'll tell him what your mum would like to do with his decapitated head," Frank sneered coldly before continueing, "My message is this, we have one more year at Hogwarts, let's try not to spend the entire damn 7th year in detention. I know you sick, twisted, creeps will certainly not cease your reign of terror of the school, but we all can agree to try and avoid entirely open, and obvious incidents that might hurt our futures or just, in general, muck up our final year. Keep our hostilities…private, that's all we're saying,"
"And I was bewitched, I don't fucking like Bellatrix," Fabian spat vicously, "In fact, she's the most repulsive excuse for a witch I've ever even heard of, and I look forward to the day she dies, preferably slowly and-"
"Yes, yes, you can rant about that all day, sweetheart," I smiled up at him, "Or you can go find some other poor girl to stalk and lust after, maybe she won't despise you for being a worthless-"
"Bella," Roddy cut in sharply, "Please, if he isn't worth your time then stop reacting to him."
"Same to you, mate," Frank mumbled, kicking Fabian in the shin.
"Right, so we will be as secretive and vicious as possible in regards to all future episodes of discord," Roddy said loudly, clearing his throat, "So you can leave and go wank off to Potter and his snitch and Dumbledore's beard now, alright, blood traitors?"
"You can go wank off to Voldy-Moldy's mother," Fabian hissed, and before I could hit him with whatever curse came to mind first, Roddy held down my wand arm firmly, and they departed, slamming the compartment door in their brisk exit.
"HOW DARE HE-" I burst out, breathing heavily.
"Yes, disgracing the Dark Lord is awful, but Bella, we're working with more subtle war tactics now, don't be drawn out, that's a Gryffindor weakness. We will be actual Death Eaters in a year, my love, it is time we commence to behave in a manner worthy of their respect, full respect, not indulging in childish antics-"
"We do it FOR HIM, to show the school not only our power, but the power of the Dark Lord-"
"We shall continue to do so, but not by open dueling, my love," Roddy insisted, and so when we departed that day, to meet again soon, our minds were all racing with war blue prints and silent chaos.
I recall thinking in reverse at one point, looking backwards as the train sped us towards the next chapter, I recalled an autumn evening when I was ten years old, Andy and Sirius both 9, while the younger Reggie and Cissy sat inside with their enchanted baby broomsticks, the three elder of the Black family children were wandering through the garden despite the chill that hung in the November sunset.
"What if we're in different houses?" Sirius asked, while I was attempting to count the days that comprised the last year and a half before I would enter Hogwarts, "Like, what If I'm in Ravenclaw?"
"You're a dimwit, Siri, you're not going to be in Ravenclaw," I laughed, nudging him into a nearby oak tree, "Maybe you'll be a sad little Hufflepuff,"
"I will NOT be a Hufflepuff!" Sirius said in outrage, glaring at us, "But…what if I'm in Gryffindor?"
Andy and I both exchanged dark looks, and shaking my head, pulling my cloak closer to me as the dusk seemed have evolved into evening and the winds turned bitter.
"No response?" Sirius rolled his eyes, 'Okay, be like our mums then and just ignore a question if you don't like it,"
"Okay, look, Sirius, what is your last name?" I signed, stopping our walks around the garden and facing him angrily.
"Hmmm…that's a toughy, I just can't seem to remember…" He said in a voice of faux-contemplation,"I think it's a color, like Green? Blue? White?"
"Black, dammit, your last name is Black!" I shouted, stamping my foot the way ten year olds do when their friends and relatives tease them in times of importance, "And to what house does every member of the Black family get sorted into?"
"What about uncle-"
"We don't count the ones cursed off the tapestry, Siri," Andy reminded him with a small smile, "So don't mention them, Mum will get Kreacher to spank you again."
"You swore never to tell anyone about that!" He hissed as we wandered towards the porch where mum had made an enternal fire in a cauldron which we hovered around warming the frost from our bodies and the edge of our voices, while I giggled "Kreacher? He spanked you-"
"Look," He seethed through gritted teeth, "I really don't want to talk about it,"
"Well he's going to need a more sturdy broomstick if you dare get sorted in Gryffindor, little baby cousin of mine," I smirked.
Andy giggled, "Yeah, Kreacher will need to start working out for that beating, he should do some push ups-"
"You guys aren't funny," Sirius looked sullen as he rested his small hands over the fire, glancing up at the night sky, "Wanna get the telescope and find our constellations?"
"Yes!" Andy jumped up grinning, "And we can debate some more, even though we all KNOW Andromeda is the coolest! It's in my room, I'll go grab it!"
She dashed into the French doors that lead from the porch to the dining room, and disappeared from the view of the window panes pristine glass moments later while Sirius and I stood close, the fire crackling and breeze swirling the fallen leaves of autumn across the gardens.
"I think our parents are nutters, I don't think I want to be a Slytherin," Sirius said in a hushed tone after a moment, his eyes avoiding my own, tracing the pattern of the dancing flames before us, "I don't think I like our family very much-"
"Gee thanks, COUSIN," I snapped, kicking him hard in the shin.
He flinched, "Salazar's Snake, blimey, you are strong for a girl,"
"I learned it from Kreacher," I smirked, sticking out my tongue.
He laughed, and ran his hand through his neatly combed dark hair, "I didn't mean that I don't like you or Andy. Cissy is ok. Reggie is a little git-"
"Don't talk about your brother-"
He waved his hand dismissively, "No, he's a git and you know it too. But I don't like any of our parents, or their friends, or all the stuff they talk about, like they're boring, they're not good for a laugh and they never listen, and I just…I don't know,"
"Stop being difficult," I sighed, "Siri, one day do you want to be alone? On the wrong side of the Slytherins and our parents? That seems so silly. You were born with so much, don't be difficult."
"And do you always just want to be a little Slytherin princess, blabbing about blood status, and whether or not Salazar and Gryffindor were REALLY friends, and never asking if there's more to being a witch or wizard than that?"
"I said don't be difficult," my voice had a tone of finality, "We're all going to be in Slytherin. Don't talk nonsense, being all ungrateful and weird…"
"You want more too," He pressed quietly, "You want more than the life of our mums, they're bored that's why they're so filled with hate…"
"I can be in Slytherin and not bored, I promise you that," I assured him as Andy bounded out the door, telescope in hand, smiling broadly.
"We'll see," Sirius mumbled under his breath as Andy set up the telescope on the table by the fire, humming to herself, her favorite childhood song "Hippogriffs can play quiddich too" a wizarding classic, while I decided to let the matter go, but watched my cousin wearily in the dark, his eyes seemed further away than the night sky we were surveying,
*You said I'd never make it out of here alive
At the rate I was going- I'd be lucky to die*
Lucius has sent me one owl in the past week, his neat script offering nothing but his cryptic glee
"Dear high ranking members of the DEY,
Freedom is glorious. To actually serve our cause, to put our wands and souls entirely into the namesake of our youth organization is every bit as fulfilling as you all can imagine. His glory exudes from every syllable he speaks, from every hiss of fury, or smile of success. I have been officially inducted, and soon, perhaps, we shall all meet and I may be able to explain more, but at the present I am quite busy with duties and obligations. I am so full of purpose, and I do want you all to know, soon, soon, we shall all stand in the hallowed circle of his presence. Be safe, don't do anything absurdly reckless, and bide your time- the war is coming.
Best Regards,
L.M.
I sit with nothing but books on dark magic, a headache, and a heartache for the building future that looms with such promise, but seems to grow further from my reach as opposed to closer with each day I spend lazily with Cissy or Roddy and our companions from the DEY but every day feels like I'm just in an endless history of magic class. I just want the future to come alive, not tease and glitter months and months away from being a tangible reality.
We drink firewhiskey in mine or Roddy's or Reggie's manors, bored and daydreaming, Severus practicing his potions, Reggie drunkenly ranting about his brother and how pureblood girls are prudes, Roddy quietly reading his Dark Arts books, Rosier making sarcastic comments or harassing our house elves, Crabbe and Goyle occasionally knocking things over. I drink until I fall asleep. Sometimes we sneak out, wasted on suppressed excitement and firewhiskey or Reggie's mum's mulled wine, and hex muggles, break their powerlines, or those "car" things with the wheels because they can't even ride a damn broom. Sometimes we whisper about Lucius, wondering, guessing, laughing. Sometimes we're all silent; the world becomes a waiting room.
We're gonna party like we're running out of time
Getting drunk and going fast on cherry wine
Never do belong to anyone I find
Leaving everything I ever knew behind
I lay in my bed after Roddy and I make love, while he holds me, feeling strangely empty. He, like Hogwarts, sometimes just feels like something holding me back from my own glory and beautiful tomorrow. I love him, I do, and he's so content with me, so many whispers of adoration, gentle caresses across my cheeks and waist, promises, and wedding plans, discussing children and house elves, and speaking in poetry about his love for me, and sometimes I'm immersed in young love
But sometimes I just lay awake, feeling….restless….without my purpose.
Alone.
The minutes are so long, and the actual days so fast, coming and going with no progress.
But the days will keep passing, and I will keep growing so that when the prison sentence of childhood and schooling is behind me, I will be prepared to embrace this purpose with full preparation.
Every man gets his wish
Every man gets his wish
You promised me this?
Well you lied
Love always,
Bella
Author's notes: well, if y'all are still reading, I'll still be writing ! enjoy