Controlling Our Fates
Disclaimer: I do not own iCarly!
AN: "'The past is past, that is why they call it the past.'–C. Hurn. Yes one must look at the past, and then learn from it, but to ruminate and dwell on it is counterproductive. There is a new path ahead of you that YOU and only YOU created. There will be a time when you can walk it safely and be happy. I promise you."
Chapter 36 (Living a Masquerade)
"I can't believe you got me into this…" Freddie shivered as he and Jonah walked down the long corridor of doom, as he was referring to it. Jonah raised his eyebrow and slowly shook his head. Freddie could hear his heart thumping as he took every quiet step. "You said you dad comes here? Do you think he's here now?" He looked to the side and saw brown door with a window, inside there were several people with multicolored hair, piercings, and sullen eyes. There were also several normal looking people, business men and women, but they were trembling almost as badly as he was. He moved his eyes to the top of the door and saw NarcoticsAnonymous. "Strange, the people in there don't really look like drug addicts."
"Freddie, the most normal looking people have problems. You and I never actually knew my father had been in child slavery, right?" He nodded his head as they stopped walking. Jonah glanced over and pointed in the opposite direction. "The wing down there is strictly for abuse. Dad would go down there, but he also has to come this way towards the anger management classes as well. He's actually working today, this isn't his counseling day." He frowned and looked back to the window.
"Oh…So why are we going past the drug addicts on the way to the Anger Management?"
"The people there chose that room, I think it was because it had more sunlight than the one they were in. It's actually the closest to the door. You know how the lady said for us to take a right, that's for the Anger Management. The left is the wing for all your addictions. The Narcotics room usually has something covering the window, I'm not sure why they don't now…Let's keep moving so they don't think we're staring."
"All right…" They started walking and came to a three way clearing. They could turn right, left, or keep going straight. Jonah tapped his chin and snapped his fingers.
"Follow me for a minute…"
"Okay." He moved with Jonah down the long hallway until they came to a wall with only a left turn. He looked up to the sign and raised an eyebrow. "Suicide?"
"They have this area all to themselves, it helps them out tremendously because when they come for their counseling, they don't want to feel like they're actually in a clinic, so they're not actually neighboring any of the other areas. They do have group therapy here, but by that same respect, many opt not to get involved in it because they're scared of either others knowing or remission due to hearing another person's depression…They've had a recent admittance, and if I'm correct, he should be here right about now…" Now Freddie was starting to get suspicious, how did Jonah know about all this stuff? Did he come here himself?
"Is there something you're not telling me? How do you know about all this?"
"I volunteer my time here a lot." He raised his eyebrow and huffed with astonishment. He knew Jonah often volunteered at different places, but never really knew where he volunteered at. "I know this place like the back of my hands and I actually do talk to the customers here on a regular basis." He crossed his arms as they stopped in front of a pair of brown, windowless doors. Jonah put his hand to the door and looked back to Freddie. "Stay out here, I'm going to go inside and see if he is willing to come out and talk to you. You need to understand that people are very sensitive here and I made a mistake, anyway…I said 'recent' admittance, but the reality is he's been here for a while. Actually his friend made him come here, he's still recovering and helps others who are going through it."
"Okay…so why am I meeting him? I'm not suicidal…"
"I know. Oh, and never say 'suicidal' here. Whoever you see, It remains confidential. I can't stress that enough. As for why you're meeting him, you know him." Freddie raised an eyebrow as Jonah hurried inside the doors. With a heavy sigh, he leaned back against a wall and narrowed his gaze onto the floor. He really didn't see the point of being here. Besides, weren't the people who went to these types of clinics supposedly strange for some reason? No, they weren't, he needed to avoid that mindset.
He shook his head and pressed it back against the wall, closing his eyes and taking a deep sigh. It wasn't the people psyching him out, he was just naturally scared. What would people think of him? Everyone had seen iCarly, they knew him. He wasn't the type to have to come to a clinic like this. "I don't belong here…I'm not the type. I can't…" When he opened his eyes and looked in front of him, he was shocked to see Spencer looking at him. "Spencer! You?" Now if there truly was a type, Spencer was not that.
"Since when does someone have to be a certain type to be anything, Freddie? Yes, I attempted to kill myself, Socko drove me here after that, and I've been coming ever since." Jonah nodded and leaned against the wall opposite Freddie. He met his friend's bewildered eyes and sighed.
"Freddie. The reason I brought you to this wing was to show you that even the most normal looking person, or the person you least suspect to ever have a problem, could be harboring something. There's no type at all. As you saw in the Narcotics, there were some people who might have looked scary to you and there were people who looked like businessmen. Not all those with the piercings were drug addicts, not all the businessmen were either. There's no appearance, there's no way to judge. There's nothing in this world that you can't conceal, even those who are, physically abused. However even then, they can't conceal the scars."
"I tried to kill myself when Sasha left…when everything started going downhill, I was so bad off that I just didn't see the point anymore…my lowest point, I gave up. If it hadn't been for Socko coming in when he did…I wouldn't be here right now." Freddie's heart sank. He could feel the guilt for his thoughts beginning to eat him away, how dare he assume there to be anything behind an issue someone could have, how dare he presume someone like Spencer couldn't be the type to become depressed or attempt suicide.
"Freddie, let me be honest with you. I can't name any names, but I can tell you that a lot of people we know at that school actually come to this clinic. Teachers and students alike…there's some in every single wing, every single door." Freddie slowly nodded as Jonah lifted his eyes to the ceiling. "We all live in a world similar to that of a masquerade ball, if I can compare it. We wear these daily masks that conceal who we are, they hide our innermost feelings, deepest secrets and most painful scars. Things we don't want anyone else to see, because if they saw, then we instantly become vulnerable, and we don't like it. That's why we put on that mask and we mingle, we dance among the others, all wearing their masks, all concealing their true selves. At least there, because no one knows us, we fit in with 'society'. When in reality…" Freddie closed his hands and sighed. Jonah was right, Spencer was right, if people like Spencer could do this and people such as those at the school could do this, then he could do this.
"…Society is just as screwed up…right?"
"We all wear a mask, every one of us. Not a single one of us, not even Carly herself, is perfect or without their grievances. Some people choose to seek help, others don't. Some change, some don't, help or not. We all can control our fate, Freddie…we can decide where we want to go in life, what we want to make of our lives. I know you're scared to be here, and you don't have to be here at all, but I know you can get a lot of good help just by being here. Right Spence?" Spencer nodded his head and looked back at the doors with a bit of impatience. Jonah chuckled and Spencer turned his eyes back to Freddie.
"Yeah, so why are you here, Freddie?"
"Anger…management…" Spencer raised an eyebrow and slowly shook his head.
"I don't know your story, and I'm not going to ask, out of respect, but I can ensure you…I've heard good things about the anger management area, one of the best in Seattle. In fact, this clinic itself is one of the best, we have the best psychologists here and everything. So you would be getting some of the best help you can get in Seattle." Freddie smiled at that and turned his eyes to the hallway, maybe he could take them up on their word. "Anyway, I have to get back in there, but it was nice seeing you here…"
"Yeah, sure…I think I'll take a chance here." Spencer smiled at him and started heading back to the doors.
"Glad to hear it, you're making a good decision." Just before entering, Spencer put on a playful grin and stared at the two. "And in reference to Jonah's analogy, it's difficult to take that mask off and be in the company of other mask-less people. But hey, that's just those choosing to be different in the 'masquerade'." He laughed and Jonah's eyes fell flat for a brief second.
"Hey, don't make fun of my analogy. I thought it was good!"
"Sure it was."
"Geez." Freddie snickered as Spencer walked back through the doors. Jonah rolled his eyes and looked back to Freddie, who instantly pat his shoulder.
"I thought it was a good analogy."
"Sure ya did. Let's go…" Jonah grumbled and started walking down the hall. Freddie snickered once and followed him to the room they were supposed to be in. Once there, they met up with a female receptionist wearing glasses and with black curly hair in a mini beehive hairstyle. The woman looked up and smiled at the two men. "Hey Ms. Renee, my friend's here to sign up for Anger Management."
"Oh, okay." Freddie chuckled nervously and walked to the desk while the lady pulled out a clipboard. "If you'll fill out your information, we can get you in. What would you prefer, a counselor or a support group?" He hummed as he took the clipboard and pulled the pen from the clip. He wasn't too positive on what he wanted, but was thinking of both.
"Maybe both…"
"Okay, well we have a support group meeting in just a few minutes. If you would like, you can go in there and introduce yourself."
"I would appreciate that." He smiled at her and started filling out the information. He was thankful that Jonah was there to at least distract him from his anxiety and nervousness. Thinking to himself, he wanted to make sure he'd still be able to latch onto his friend during this excruciating first time process. He looked up at the lady, she was studiously typing on the computer, probably trying to get the new customer roster up. "Hey, will Jonah be able to go in with me?"
"That's up to you if you'd like. Normally we do ask that you consider leaving visitors out on the first visit in respect for the others, but a lot of people prefer it since they are nervous. Also, everyone here pretty much knows Jonah, so they're comfortable with him."
"Okay. Thanks."
Within a few moments, they were walking into the room, there were a number of people all sitting in a circle. One man was standing behind an empty chair, he had a nametag and appeared to be the teacher. He looked to Freddie and Jonah, then smiled at the two. "Welcome, are you here for the support group?"
"Yes sir…" The people in the room looked over at him and he stared back with a surprised expression. Within the group of people, he saw Mr. Howard, Gibby, and even PrincipalFranklin!"Um…" Jonah shook his head and pat him on the back, drawing him back into reality. The man walked over to him and extended his hand.
"My name is Luke, it's a pleasure having you."
"Yeah…" He shook Luke's hand and was led over to the circle with Jonah. He took stopped in front of the chair as Luke asked him to introduce himself. "My name is Freddie Benson and I'm here because I have a hard time struggling with my anger."
"You're not alone Freddie, and it takes a lot of courage to come here. You look surprised about something?"
"I am, um…" Freddie tore his gaze away from the three familiar faces and glanced back at Luke. "I wasn't expecting to see familiar faces. Certainly not people who I never expected would have trouble with anger…"
"Well, we all tend to deal with it, and hopefully, you'll come to know everyone in this room. How about we let everyone introduce themselves to you now?" Luke turned his head over to the others in the group and moved to his chair. "Let's start with the ones who recognize Freddie, how about it?" Mr. Howard nodded and smiled briefly.
"I'll start. My name is Randy Howard. My story begins with my, now, ex-wife. I got mixed up in an affair, wanted it to end, but the other woman didn't want it to end. After that, it just started spiraling. I don't know that I'd say it was the trigger, I had anger issues before all that." Freddie slowly nodded and took his seat next to Jonah, already he was beginning to feel a bit more comfortable. Mr. Howard stopped and looked over to Gibby. "I'm done…"
"Okay, so I'm Paul 'Gibby' Gibson. I've struggled with anger for a few years now, I blame my mother for smothering me after my dad passed away from heart failure. I've been coming here, coping. That's all for my introduction."
Freddie was definitely surprised to hear about Gibby's father and his tale, but it helped him. It was almost as if he needed to hear it, to let it appease his heart. Next was Principal Franklin, someone that Freddie would never have expected to be an angry person. "I'm Ted Franklin, my bout with anger has gone on for two decades now. When I was younger I struggled with drugs and alcohol. Ever since 1990 I've been clean, but it caused me so much damage and the withdrawal seems to still be around. On occasion, I'll have these bouts of anger and I'll hit my wife…I don't want to be like that, so I've been coming here now for five years. Ever since, I have been clean and less angry, it's helped my relationship tremendously."
Freddie's heart lifted up with the Principal's tale. If there was hope for a man like him, then there would be hope for him too. He didn't want to hurt Sam, he couldn't even imagine hurting her, but by having these anger problems, he was already hurting her, whether she knew it or not.
He sat there as everyone in the room introduced themselves and a brief moment of their story. Hearing them all made him feel amazing, to think that he could stop struggling with anger one day was a blessing. After they were done, Luke turned to him and asked for his story.
"Okay, I'm ready. As I said, My name is Freddie Benson, I struggle with anger, now…" He took a deep breath and closed his eyes. His body began to tremble and the others gave him words of comfort and reassurance. He felt Jonah pat his back and slowly opened his eyes, he had to be strong. He had to let it off his chest, no matter how painful. "Now here's my story…"
Such support, and what a surprise to see Spencer there. Jonah seems to have made a great analogy. Next chapter will be a good chapter too, still at the place, and then in chapter 38 will be a major surprise chapter. Sort of sounds like a documentary at the end, but it's called "Polar Opposite: Yin and Yang". It sort of follows with a song I heard while driving, "Behind Blue Eyes" by Who. You're going to enjoy it. Now I hope you enjoyed this chapter, prepare for the next! Oh and Penny, you already know what chapter 38 may entail, as you know a secret that hasn't been revealed yet, involving the Shadow Hammer.