+ Warnings: Stuff.

+ A/N: Now, don't die or anything… but yes. It really is me. Updating. Enjoy.

Chronicles Of Max

Chapter 37: Lee, Your Testicles Are Smiling At Me

Tuesday 13th May

7.45 in the am

LAST TIME, IN CHRONICLES OF MAX… IAN GOT RAMMED INTO THE GLORY HOLE IN THE WALL BETWEEN OUR ROOM AND TALA AND KAI'S ROOM… IT RAINED… AND SPENCER RAN OFF WITH MY BLOODY BED.

I've always wanted to introduce something like that.

A minute later

Also, I did not get my bed back. We've had to sleep on the floor. Mariam, Kai and Tala did return about twenty minutes after Spencer charged out of the room like a rhino on heat that had just seen a very large vagina. But they returned without the bed.

They claim Spencer had 'misplaced' the bed.

I don't know how you can misplace a bloody bed.

Only Spencer could manage it.

A minute later

I bet I know where I'd find it, actually.

I'll be checking that caretaker's cupboard later. Spencer practically lives in there as it is. He probably stole my bed to make the cupboard more homely.

A minute later

"Can someone please get me out of this wall?"

"Ian, what is the probability that I will get arse-raped by Tala and Kai if I help you out of that wall?" I ask.

"Very high. But I don't care. Just get me out of here!"

"DON'T YOU DARE TAKE HIM OUT. WE'RE HAVING TOO MUCH FUN VIOLATING HIM!" was heard from the other side of the wall.

"Ian… do I want to know how they've violated you…?" I asked.

"Oh, Max. It's awful. They say they've done a French manicure on my toenails," Ian replied, with tears streaming down his face.

"That's not too bad…" I said.

"Tala and Kai can do French manicures?" Mariam asked. "How much do they charge?"

"A FIVER AND A BLOWJOB!" came Kai's voice from the other room.

"FROM MAX," Tala shouted.

Mariam looked at me.

I looked at Mariam.

"Don't even think about it," I said.

A minute later

"Guys… this is completely off-topic, but… do you reckon it's possible to have sex with a sausage roll?" Tyson asked.

…

"Why, Tyson? Just… why?"

30 seconds later

"I suppose you could if it was frozen…" Mariam answered.

Oh, Jesus.

"Why would you freeze a sausage roll, though?" Tyson asked.

"To have sex with it, clearly," I said.

Breakfast

8.03 in the am

Oh, really. Is a normal mealtime far to much for ask for in this place? It is these times that make my wonder why the Hell we ever came to this place. In fact, does anyone actually remember? I sure as Hell don't.

"Me and Elaine are getting married today."

What?

Did I just hear that right, or has staring at this crocodile testicle on my plate addled with my brains more than I think?

"Well, I say married. It's a mock wedding. In preparation for the real thing."

Bryan still seriously wants to get married to that mad woman?

"But we need a vicar. Or someone just to act as vicar…"

Oh God. I sense a favour being asked…

"So, Max. You're not busy today, right?"

I fucking knew it.

30 seconds later

I have somehow agreed to be Bryan's mock vicar.

I didn't even need to open my mouth.

Mariam just yelled that I'd do it.

Bitch.

5 minutes later

Bryan is going on about his mock wedding to McFahrt. Really. I am not interested. I do not want to be a part of that relationship at all. This includes being their vicar.

"Morning, chums."

Lee's here- oh my God.

"Lee, your testicles are smiling at me," I say.

Really. They are smiling at me.

"Wow, Lee! You have happy testicles, and I have happy nipples!" Tala exclaimed, whipping out said happy nipples.

I am still in shock that Lee's testicles are smiling at me. I wish he'd sit down or something.

30 seconds later

They are smiling at me because he's drawn a happy face on each of them, and is letting them dangle out of the sides of his mankini.

You cannot begin to imagine what this looks like.

Well… you probably can. But you really don't want to.

A second later

It's probably too late for you to not to imagine what this looks like, now.

You are probably imagining it.

In your brain.

Where you imagine things.

Weird things. Like Lee's happy testicles.

Shut up, Max.

A minute later

"Lee… did you have to shave your balls to draw those smiley faces on?" Tyson asked.

"They're tattoos. And yes, obviously I did."

He had his balls tattooed? Surely that hurt?

"Lee… have you used my razor again?" I asked.

"… erm… no…"

"Bitch!"

Biology

10.54 in the am

"And these here whale testicles are fine specimens. You see, boys, these are what REAL balls are."

Is it me, or is there lots of testicles in my day today?

I don't say that every day.

Lunch

12.05 in the pm

"I feel sick."

"Bryan, it's just a mock wedding."

"I think I'm going to throw up."

"Bryan, it's not the real thing! Stop panicking!"

"What if she says no?"

"Bryan, she loves you. I don't know why, but she does."

"Thanks, you dickhead. What if she runs off with the caretaker?"

"Bryan, we're not even sure if the caretaker exists. I mean, there is a cupboard for one, but Spencer has adopted it. And I'm pretty sure McFahrt is not going to run off with Spencer."

"What if she tells me she only wanted me for my body?"

"She won't, Bryan, because she clearly wanted you for your shining personality and great sense of humour, too…"

"Are you being sarcastic?"

"Not at all…"

Tala is failing at reassuring Bryan.

Funny to watch, though.

4.45 in the pm

We are in the assembly hall. Bryan has made me wear a vicar's outfit. Why he has one of these, I don't know. I don't think I want to know, either. If McFahrt comes in wearing a tart outfit, I am going to run away.

"Bryan, do you have a best man?" I asked.

"OH MY GOD, I KNEW I WAS FORGETTING SOMETHING!" Bryan answered, a look of devastation on his face.

"How the fuck can you forget to have a best man?" Tyson asked.

"Because shut up," Bryan replied, bitch-slapping Tyson.

Tyson bitch-slapped Bryan back.

"Oh no you di'in't!" Tyson said, snapping his fingers and wiggling his head from side to side.

"Tala, be my best man," Bryan said.

"What would you do if I said no?" Tala asked.

"Cry."

"No. I'm not being your best man."

"Wanker. Lee?"

"Happily," Lee said, a look of satisfaction on his face.

Lee is Bryan's best man?

Well… no one could've predicted this. I would've thought it'd either be Spencer or Tala. But then… Tala said no and Spencer is- wait. Where is Spencer?

5 minutes later

Ahh, the bride is here with her bridesmaids.

Her bridesmaids are the biology teacher, the art teacher, and… Spencer?

Weirdest. Mock. Wedding. Ever.

30 seconds later

"Here comes the bride, 40 metres wiiideeee~" Tyson sang.

Bryan bitch-slapped him again.

10 minutes later

McFahrt has finally reached the "altar" (a desk we stole from the nearest classroom with a vibrator stood on it acting as a candle. Don't question it. I didn't).

"You look like a rainbow's thrown up on you… but it looks good," Bryan said to her.

Charming.

He is not wrong, though.

Where the Hell do you find a dress that multicoloured?

A minute later

All eyes are on me.

"Before we begin, I'll have everyone here know that I have never been to vicar school, or generally acted as a vicar. So I'm going to improvise," I said.

Everyone nodded.

"McFahrt, do you take Bryan to be your husband-type thing? Yes? Good. Bryan, do you take McFahrt to be your wife-type thing? Yes? Even more good. You may snog, and do other sexual things, but not in front of me. Enjoy your life."

Everyone stared at me.

"That does me fine," Bryan said, and grabbed his beefy wife.

"Eww, get a room!" Kai said.

"Why would I do that when she has a dress to hide under?" Bryan replied, and he ducked under McFahrt's bright, multicoloured… thing, and disappeared from view.

"I think we should definitely give them some privacy now," Mariam said. "This is something I really do not need to witness."

"You're not the only one. Let us go back to our room and-" I began.

"Arse-rape Ian?" Tala butted in.

"Oh my God, we forgot about Ian!" Mariam exclaimed.

"That's okay, we used to do that all the time back in the day," Tala said.

And then Kai spoke.

"Which would you rather - poo out a melon or wee out a marble?"

30 seconds later

… why? Just… why?

"Ooh, that's a really difficult question," Tala said.

"It really is," Tyson agreed.

I really don't want to know why Kai thinks about these things.

"Kai would clearly rather poo out a melon. He's done so with a pineapple, so a melon will be no trouble at all," Tyson said.

"Bitch," Kai said.

"I'd rather do neither. Now, can we leave the lovebirds in peace?" I said.

The others agreed.

As we walked through the door, I heard Spencer speak.

"Don't worry, Bryan! I'll film your sex tape for you!"

6.34 in the pm

Lounging around… wishing I had my bed back. Ah, shitsticks. That's what I meant to do today… find my bed. Ah well, there's always tomorrow.

"Can we have romantic sex tonight?" Kai asked Tala.

"Yeah, babe. After you've measured my knob," Tala replied.

Oh. REALLY romantic, Tala.

A minute later

"OH GOD!" Tyson exclaimed.

"What? What's wrong?" I asked. I hate it when he does this. It gets me in a panic.

"Oh, it's okay. That was the worst feeling I've ever had in my life. I thought something was crawling up my crotch, but it was just my nuts."

…

I can't take this anymore.

I'm going out to find my bed.

+ A/N: I struggled for the ending. It's not even that good. I'm not going to ask for reviews. I don't deserve them. I've been a bad author.