Brenda reluctantly opened her eyes. She had been drifting between a drugged sleep and foggy wakefulness for the last few hours. Her fever was twisting her dreams. Pulling her back to her childhood, to memories she had spent a lifetime burying. But they hadn't been buried deep enough. Places, faces, sound and pain floored out of the box she had ruthlessly crammed them into.
One by one the dominos were falling, each one a decision she had made, an emotion she had denied and all leading back to her childhood. Back to that little eight year old girl standing in the driveway of another home on another military post, saying goodbye to her best friend, again.
Brenda felt her heart break all over again as if it was happening now rather than thirty plus years ago. The last domino feel and she was back in the moment making the decision that would color every one she had made since. Every one of those decisions had led her to this moment, in a bed in a hospital.
Her current condition had a direct lin back to that painful moment that she stood hugging Cindy, the two little girls crying and making promises to stay best friends forever and her mother pulling them apart. "Get in the car Brenda Leigh. We have to go."
Her brothers were teasing her about being a cry baby. None of them understood. None of them cared.
"You heard your mother young lady. Get in this car now. You've said your goodbyes just like the rest of us. It's time to go." Clay snapped impatiently, gunning the engine to make his point.
Willie Rey tugged the girls apart, "Run on home now Cindy. Brenda will send you a post card as soon as we get settled."
Cindy reluctantly started for home, dragging the toes of her shiny black shoes with each step.
"Young lady you march yourself over that car right now. Your daddy said it was time to go. You know his job is hard enough without you making him feel bad with all these tears. Now be a good little soldier and do as you're told."
"Brenda Leigh!" Clay bellowed.
Brenda took one last look at Cindy walking away, her shoulders shaking as she cried. Dragging her arm across her eyes she scrubbed away her tears and walked to the car. She ignored the neighbors waving as they drove past. Refused to take one last look at the place that had been her home for last two years. She closed her eyes and ears to it all. But more importantly she closed her heart.
At that moment she hated daddy. Hated that he was in the army. It was all his fault. He didn't care one whit about her and she hated him for that. She tipped her face up to the wind coming through the window to dry the last of her tears. With a dry face eight year old Brenda Leigh Johnson made a vow that from this moment on that she was never going to cry over anyone ever, ever again.
Her daddy didn't have a heart; he didn't feel bad or cry about anything. The only way to not get hurt was to be just like daddy and not care about anyone, ever again. So she going to be just like him. She was going to be the bestest, toughest little soldier there was, tougher than all three of her brothers put together.
As the car droned down the highway an exhausted Brenda feel asleep, the first domino hardening her heart was in place. It would be years before she fully understood the consequences of her decision.