The Underground Game – a 50 Phrases collection

"The most beautiful things in this world are the most useless."

DISCLAIMER: I'm pretty sure I might be self-inserting with the villain here…

Sonic blinked, snorted, and then struggled to get his grin under control.

"Oh, shut up."

That was the breaking point, and Sonic collapsed against the wall, giggling loudly at the absurdity of it all. Beside him, Tails sighed and gave the stranger an apologetic look, but because Sonic had paused before setting the guy free, didn't make any moves to help either.

"It's just – and this – and you – so awesome!" Sonic gasped, slapping the wall.

"Um… Sonic?" Tails prompted, poking him. "What's going on?"

"Oh, oh Tails-buddy, Tails!" he spun around to grab Tails by the shoulders, and then turned to gesture grandly at the captive like he was an epic vista. The stranger scowled, and honestly, Tails couldn't blame him. The poor guy was hanging from the wall by his wrists in the middle of an enchanted castle that was home to the most psychotic witch Tails had ever met. Judging by the velveteen rabbit ears and massive pink bow tied around the guy's neck, she'd already had her fun with him.

And Sonic was still giggling.

"Um… Sonic, don't you think we should let him down first?"

"What? No, no, no," cried Sonic. "You don't understand. He has a professional reputation to uphold! Let me introduce you to the greatest, fiercest, most terrifying bounty hunter in all Mobius! Sleet the Coyote! With bunny ears!"

"I hate you, hedgehog," the coyote informed him, but that just made Sonic laugh even more.

"Right," Tails said slowly, and ducked out of his friend's hands to fly up and start breaking the locks. "Sorry about him. He's been trying really hard to take this castle seriously and I think it's finally gotten to him."

"Hmph."

"If you're a bounty hunter from Mobius, what are you doing out here?" he asked, trying to ignore the cackling hedgehog behind him. It was surprisingly difficult, mostly because it wasn't really a common sight.

"As your leader well knows, I am no longer welcome on Mobian soil," he said irritably. His eyes stayed fixed on Tails' hands though, watching every loosened screw. "And missing children tend to have well-paying parents."

"Oh… why aren't you welcome on Mobian soil? I mean, if you don't mind me ask-"

"I need the ears," Sonic interrupted, and he jumped up to snatch them off Sleet's head an instant before Tails managed to get one of the coyote's hands free. Sleet clawed at him furiously, but Sonic was already on the other side of the room, using a dark window to view how the ears looked. He grinned. "These are just awesomely stupid. Tails, we need to find a way to get these on Knuckles. No! Shadow! Oh, man, best idea ever."

Tails sighed and ignored him, working on the second lock. "So how do you two know each other? Or was it just one of those Sonic-stops-the-bad-guy-and-you-get-rescued things?"

"Well, I definitely stopped a bad guy," said Sonic.

"And people were rescued," Sleet agreed. "I was not one of them."

"Oh, was this when you were with the Resistance?" Tails asked curiously, but his glance at Sonic had to be short-lived due to the fact Sonic now arranging the ears a little more artistically and Tails just couldn't take the silliness on top of the bright blue castle they were inside. He went back to the lock and Sleet. "Did you fight in the war?"

"Yes…" he said slowly. "I was something of a major player in that last year."

"And now you're a bounty hunter? That's so cool," Tails said cheerfully. If he'd been looking closer, he would have noticed Sleet giving Sonic a disbelieving glance, or seen Sonic's smirking reply, but he was too focussed on the lock. Despite its complexity, it was gold, inlaid with carvings of happy bunnies and flickies. He frowned. "I understand that if you're trying to stop her or rescue the people she kidnapped, Witch Madella would lock you up, but why does she do the other things? What's with the pink, and the cute, and the… everything?"

"Because they're so way past lame they're cool," Sonic said decisively, tilting his head to better appreciate the way he'd positioned one ear to flop down over his eye. "I mean: dude, these things fit perfectly over my ears. I look like a hedge-rabbit!"

"I see the last few years have only worsened your mental defects," observed Sleet.

"Sonic! I'm asking a serious question here," said Tails, as he managed to spring the last lock and Sleet dropped to the ground.

Sonic glanced at the bounty hunter, then refocussed on Tails. "A serious question? In a blue castle made of what I'm seriously beginning to suspect is hardened sugar? Really?"

"Yeah. I mean, the castle I get, because… well, sugar or not, it's a castle. And the monsters with the candy canes or whatever are still guards," he said, ticking them off on his fingers. "But why the bow? Why give your prisoners bunny ears?"

"Because it's demeaning," Sleet replied irritably. "It's a form of torture designed to affect your prisoners' mental state."

"I don't know if Witch Madella is that cruel," Tails said thoughtfully. "It's just… it's pointless."

"Egh. A little from column A, a little from column B," Sonic said, moving over to stand beside him, resting his arm on Tails' shoulder. "Didn't you hear her rant before? The most beautiful things in the world are the most useless. She gives everything a cutesy look to make it fit the surroundings – fit in and be part of her world. It's pretty—to her, at least—and it won't interfere because it's become part of her castle."

"I… guess that makes sense," he said, though his eyes stayed on Sonic's new ears. "So… why are you wearing them?"

"Dude, I have saved the world looking awesome a million times," he said, and dramatically flicked one of the ears. "But never this darn cute."

"I suddenly remember why I personally needed to shoot you," Sleet murmured, touching his forehead, but Tails just continued staring at his friend.

"You… you're going to… keep them?"

"Heck yeah. Give her some of her own medicine: she was ranting about how cute stuff isn't taken seriously? Let's see her deal with me when I'm downright adorable."

"But…" Tails winced, trying to remember why he looked up to this person. "You're wearing velveteen rabbit ears."

"Velveteen bunny ears," he corrected firmly.

"You look ridiculous," Sleet added, and Sonic smirked without looking at him.

"I look like I belong here, and that makes it that much easier for me to tear it down."

They both stared at him silently for a few moments, before Sleet suddenly ripped the bow from his neck and threw it at them. "The greatest Empire this world has ever known was brought down by a hedgehog in rabbit ears. I'm glad I was exiled."

"Bunny ears," Sonic corrected again, and Sleet sneered.

"If you find the children, feel free to keep my reward. I have to go find my dignity in the trash heap again."

"Good luck with that!" he called, and then turned back to Tails with an assessing eye. "You, little buddy, need tail bows."

"What."

This is a challenge to myself, inspired by my friend Jkateel, who told me to stop complaining about how I can't write anything and just do it.

And so, at least once a week, I will write a fic based around one of the 50 phrases. I will post it, whether I like it or not (so sorry for the spam). And to further force myself, I'm going to say it will be in my head canon of Sonic Underground merged with the Sonic games, because that's a canon that's stayed with me for years, so it's not like I'll lose interest.

I'm not actually doing it on LiveJournal because for one, I can't find the community again, and for another, I don't think I'm actually matching the rules. I just copied down the challenges once and still have it.

No restrictions on length. It does not need to have a point. Just a story or a thought. And the phrase, of course.

Because fanfic should be about fun, not whether it's fabulous or not.

I've said it before and I'll say it again: I don't think I'm very good at humour, but damn I enjoy writing it!