A/N. The amount of angst that has been poured into the last two chapters isn't even funny. I think I overdosed. I can't begin to thank you all enough. I would not be 36 chapters into this story if it wasn't for all of the amazing reviews I've been getting. So, thank you. I don't own anything. Darn! Oh well. Read on.
Kendall lay in his bed shaking. He couldn't sleep. Every time he closed his eyes the night's events were replayed in his head.
He remembered Logan going to bed at 7:30. Then Carlos was in his room studying when they heard Logan coughing. It sounded different. Harsher and more violent than normal. Kendall remembered Logan's fever earlier that day and was immediately worried. He stood up to go check on his friend but Carlos was already at Logan's door. He didn't want to overwhelm Logan so Kendall sat back down trying to ignore the funny feeling in the pit of his stomach. Then he heard a thud and suddenly Carlos was yelling in panic.
The glass of water he was holding fell to the floor and shattered. Kendall flew down the hall and crashed into Logan's bedroom.
"Call 911!" Carlos yelled as he dropped to the floor besides Logan. One arm was flung over Logan's shoulder and the other waved a hand frantically at Kendall to hurry.
Kendall stood there and stared stupidly. He had a strong feeling of deja vu. Last time someone had yelled at him to call 911 was the beginning of the end. And as he watched Logan suddenly lean forward and cough, blood coming from his mouth, Kendall was certain that the end had come at last.
"Kendall! Call 911!" Carlos was beyond rational thinking at that point. His own cell phone sat forgotten in his pocket as he held onto Logan as if to keep him from dying. At last Kendall seemed to snap out of his daze and he had whipped his cell phone out and dialed the three numbers that no one should ever have to dial.
"911 Emergency, how can I help you?"
"You have to help me. . . I mean my friend. . . I mean you have to come." Kendall was hysterical. His legs gave out and he collapsed in the doorway of Logan's room and babbled on heedless of the operator's continued attempts to calm him down. Suddenly, the phone was snatched out of his hands.
"We need an ambulance now." Kendall's mother gripped the phone in one hand and with the other tried to stop Katie from seeing what was happening. Her daughter shrieked and clamped a hand over her mouth and Lacey Knight gave quick instructions to the man on the other line and let the phone fall to the floor. "Kendall, take Katie into the other room." She said so gently that her words made it through past Kendall's shock. Kendall stood up slowly and took Katie's hand. Robotically, he led his sister away. She then dropped to her knees and tried to talk to Logan.
Meanwhile, Carlos had remembered his phone and at the same time, James' request before he left that night. It was like his hand had a mind of it's own as Carlos sent his friend a quick, to the point text. He then dropped his phone and held onto Logan with both arms.
"Logan, can you hear me?" He joined in Mrs. Knight's pleading but Logan couldn't answer. It seemed to Carlos that every single breath was a struggle. He took deep breaths of his own as if he could breath for Logan. What was happening? His heart was pounding so hard in his chest that Carlos didn't hear the EMTs rush into the room. By then the floor around them and Logan and Carlos were both wearing red as Logan continued to throw up blood.
How much blood could a person afford to lose? Carlos shut his eyes, feeling the tears coarse down his face. Around him, the room was a flurry of activity as Mrs. Knight answered one man's questions, another man bent down in front of the boys, and two more set up a stretcher.
And then James was there. No matter how hard Carlos would try to erase the image of James' face when he saw Logan, it would be burned in his memory forever. James looked. . . lost. He stood frozen, watching them.
Suddenly, they were taking Logan from him. Carlos knew it was for the best but he let go reluctantly because he was so sure that he wouldn't see Logan alive ever again. Somehow he found his feet and followed the group outside. The air was unusually chilly for the beginning of October in warm LA. For some reason Carlos sensed that people were staring at him. When the ambulance disappeared around the corner Carlos realized that they were staring at him because of his shirt, stained red with Logan's blood.
Kendall and Katie were the last ones to join the Big Time Rush family. Katie went right to her mother for comfort but Kendall could only stare at the empty street. This couldn't really be happening. Not this way. James was staring after the ambulance as if he expected it to come back with a happy, healthy, and whole Logan and tell them that the past few months has all been a horrible mistake. Carlos was crying harder than Kendall had ever seen him but it was scary because he wasn't making a sound. A silent scream.
Kendall buried his face in his pillow to keep from screaming out loud. The panic tightened his chest and made it difficult to breath. He sat up and tried to remember that his lungs were still fully functional and intact. Breathing was something that he always took for granted until now.
A sudden noise from outside his room distracted Kendall for a moment and he lifted his head. It sounded like it was coming from the kitchen. He stood up and walked out of his room. He wondered if he should be more careful. Maybe it was some psychotic killer. He wondered if he cared. Getting stabbed or shot wouldn't hurt any worse than watching Logan die.
A shadowy figure was standing over the sink holding something under running water. Kendall turned the overhead light on to its dimmest setting. "Carlos."
Carlos held his bloodstained shirt with one hand while the other scrubbed furiously at it with a sponge. He didn't even know that Kendall was there. His eyes stared at the shirt and didn't blink when the light came on.
"Carlos, stop it." Kendall said. His own pain was briefly replaced by pain for Carlos and he put a hand on Carlos' shoulder.
The younger boy jumped. "I was trying. . . my shirt. . . it was all over. Look." Carlos dropped the shirt in the sink and lifted up his clean one.
Kendall gasped at the angry red scrapes across his friend's chest. "Carlos, what. . . what did you do?"
"It was all over." Carlos sobbed. Without warning he sank in a crumpled heap on the floor. "All over, And not matter how much I tried I couldn't get it off." He put his head in his hands and continued to talk. "And it's James' birthday today. Or it was. Is it tomorrow yet? But why did this happen?"
Kendall didn't know what to say or do. He knelt down besides Carlos and pulled him into a tight hug. "I don't know." He answered all of Carlos' questions in three helpless words.
Carlos let his head rest on Kendall's chest. He found a great deal of comfort in the close contact and slowly he began to calm down. He listened to Kendall's steady breathing and felt the reassuring beating of his heart. Kendall was alive and well. And so was he. And so was James sitting in the hospital with Logan. They weren't going anywhere. And somehow it's easier to believe that Logan will be okay as well. There could never just be three of them.
Kendall sat holding onto Carlos long after he fell asleep. The ticking of the kitchen clock was loud in the stillness. He wondered what his mom would say if she found them on the kitchen floor the next morning. Before he can think twice, Kendall stood up with Carlos in his arms. He was much lighter than Kendall expected. He wasn't the skeleton that Logan was but he had definitely lost some weight. Kendall carried Carlos over to the couch and laid him down. He walked over to the sink and without looking at the shirt, picked it up and stuffed it deep into the garbage can. Then he walked back to Carlos and laid down next to him.
"Kendall?"
Carlos stirred and woke up. Kendall automatically pulled his younger friend into a hug. "Yeah, Carlos?"
"I think I know why this is happening." Carlos pulls away enough so that he can look Kendall in the eye. He didn't wait for Kendall's reply that time and continued talking. "I think that if there's a Heaven and a Hell then that means that God wants Logan back. And we can't really be too upset because who wouldn't? He's special."
Kendall's eyes burned with tears and his throat closed up so he couldn't answer Logan right away.
"I mean, I think it was awesome that we got to know him. And for so long too. I feel sorry for everyone who never knew him. I think I understand it now. I still don't get two things though." Carlos fell silent.
Kendall cleared his throat. "What two things?"
"I don't get why Logan would be put on Earth in the first place. He's too good for this messed up world. And I don't get why he had to go through all the crap he did." Carlos sniffed. "It's not fair."
"Maybe because he could handle it." Kendall said quietly. "Because he's strong enough. And we're not."
Carlos nodded. "But, Kendall?"
His voice was back to being small and scared and Kendall's arm tightened protectively around his shoulders. "Hm?"
"What's going to happen to us?" Carlos' voice was filled with tears. He didn't care that he was bawling like a five year old. They had all been through so much over the past several months that they were never embarrassed by their tears anymore.
"Nothing." Kendall whispered. "We'll be the same but just. . . without Logan. It'll be hard. Really hard. But we'll have each other and our families. We'll make it." He tried to sound convincing because he wasn't so sure of his own words.
The two boys were silent for a long time, each of them lost in their own thoughts which were actually exactly the same. The house felt empty with Logan and James. It was ironic that the two heavy sleepers were wide awake, too afraid to close their eyes. One could say their roles had been reversed but they doubted that James was sleeping in the hospital.
"I think." Kendall said suddenly, and Carlos turned toward him. "I think that there's probably a Hell on Earth. And we're right in the middle of it. It hurts too much to be anything else. Don't you feel like you're about to fall apart, or that it's incredibly hard to breathe sometimes? You know how we always used to have campfires? Remember how the wind would blow a certain way and the smoke would get in ours eyes and make them burn and our throats and make it hard to breathe? That's how I feel. I feel like I'm suffocating."
Carlos lay and listened to Kendall in silence. Even when Kendall stopped talking he didn't say anything. Because all of a sudden a thought occurred to him. A thought that put out the fire in his chest and made it easier to breathe. He latched onto the thought and held it close. For the first time in weeks his hope was renewed. He sat up to share it with Kendall. "But Kendall, if there's a Hell on Earth, wouldn't there be a Heaven too?"
A/N. This was short and angsty and possibly stupid. I'll let you decide. Please review!