Authors Note: Dang, I've been re-reading my chapters and my spelling and grammar is horrible. I'm sorry I hope it wasn't to distracting.

In this chapter, we're about to find out how Jake could actally let Ness go and why he left her wedding. We'll be diggin deeper into his mind so pay close attention. He'll talk about memories he and Renesmee had since she came back Alaska. Memories that Renesmee didn't notice.

I own nothing but the plot... R&R R&R R&R R&R.

HAPPY READING!

PART III

Chapter 35- I don't care to be Alpha I just want my Renesmee…

JACOB'S POV

Renesmee's wedding nearly killed me. I simply showed up to show her, I supported her and that I loved her. I had to let her go like any good imprintee would do. Ultimately, who she wanted to be with was her decision, just like Edward, Bella and I had conversed about. I should have never freakin promised to wait until she sixteen to show any of my true affections and it was even stupider to promise to never make a move on her unless she felt the same.

I felt cheated becasue I never had the chance. Maybe if I had told her about the imprint she would have changed her mind, and recognized that she loved me also. But if she didn't love me before I told her about the imprint, what makes me think she would feel different after? I never wanted to persuade her decision and I didn't because she love me on her own terms. We were past that now, she chose Nahuel. Her own kind.

Half way through the ceremony I had to leave, I couldn't watch her kiss another man. Plus, I smelt a leech hanging around and I had to handle that. After I killed the woman vamp, I chased the other who escaped. The one I killed was a tall woman from the Volturi I could tell by her grey cape. The other one with the black cape escaped, within a few minutes my pack was there all in there, in wolf form, along with Sam and his pack. It wasn't something I was used to most of the wolves had stopped phasing years ago. Many of them wanted to grow old with their imprints and that was understandable, at least I could say they all held up well. None of them looked a day over twenty-five still.

The murmuringand conversation churning about in my brain became louder as I came back near the old treaty lines, that no one really payed attention to anymore.

Damn will you guys just leave me alone, please just for today! I shouted at each of them mentally.

Dude don't be so dramatic. Paul replied, jokingly. But I really wasn't in the mood for sarcasm. Particularly my brother-in-law's smart ass comments.

Wait Paul, how can I hear you? How was that possible? Since me and Sam had separate packs I could only hear Sam's thoughts Alpha to Alpha. Why was I hearing Paul? He stopped phasing three years ago after he and Rachel got married.

Sam has to talk to you Jacob. Leah informed.

About? I questioned.

He asked me to tell you to meet him at his house, that's it. Leah said. I see you handled whoever was lurking about. Is there anything else you need?

No, no. I said then Leah disappeared. She hadn't stopped phasing, she was proud to be the Beta.

How was the wedding? I asked who ever was listening.

Who knows, we all left. Brady informed.

We smelt a vampire but you seemed to have handled it .Jared then was in my mind also.

Jake can I get back to Claire or do you need me here? Quil wondered.

I don't care, whoever wants to go back to the wedding just go! I could feel a few presences leave.

Embry began to talk again, Man, how could you just sit back and let your imprint marry another guy?

Embry leave me alone, it's what she wanted. I said sternly.

I could never let Kim just marry another man, and I couldn't be there supporting her, the way you did. Jared added.

Shut up Jared, leave Jake alone. Seth spoke up. Jake we all left we couldn't watch her marry him.

I was irritated by them. You all left she's going to be upset that you guys left.

Paul said, Hey we all love Renesmee, like a sister but you're our brother first.

We can't support that marriage. Embryspoke. She belongs with you. But that's my own opinion.

Hey can I go? Paul asked.

Yes, Paul you don't have to ask me, you should be with my sister right now. (Rachel had been depressed since she miscarried.)

Jacob you have to go talk to Sam. Seth urged.

Where is he?

At his house.

After going to Sam's he informed me he had stepped down as Alpha and now I was the only Alpha. He said it had always rightfully been my position and he couldn't phase anymore, he needed to stay with Emily and their two children.

I didn't know what to do, with the information that I was now the only Alpha, that I was in charge, I don't want to be. One false decisions could cause devistation and it was on my shoulders. This is when I needed Ness, to keep me level headed. Right now I just needed privacy and Renesmee. So I took the only thing I could have. Privacy.

All I could do was leave. I left Leah, in charge as temporary Alpha, at least until I returned.

Five Weeks Later.

I tried to go wolf, like I had when Bella had decided to marry Edward. It was difficult. I hadn't seen anyone in over a month, or had a decent meal in a weeks either. I missed Renesmee's tenth birthday, we were going to go camping just me and her. That's all she wanted for her birthday, just to be alone with me.

She was constantly on my mind. I had hoped that if she didn't choose me, the imprint would just fade but it didn't. Which led me to believe she wasn't through with me in anyway, shape or form.

After, thirty six days of loathing and self pity, I figured it was time to head home handle things within the pack and get my life on track. I couldn't' make my father go through this again, my pack didn't deserve it either. I told myself I had a future that was coming whether I wanted it to or not. I've been looking around at houses, Esme was always calling me so she could take me to look at them. I;m glad she always found affordable one's. Run down dumpy houses were the only ones I could afford. I've been saving up now for seven years, enough to pay off a $100,000 house. Perhaps, I would invest in the shop I used to work at. I quit two days after Renesmee left, which was a bit rash but I'm sure they would take me back. If not I could always work a Quiluete Nation.(It's real Google it)

And I felt even optimistic, that there was someone out there for me that I could spend my life with. Sure I would never love her as much as Renesmee but I want to be happy and I will spend the rest of my life trying to be. I can't spend eternity feeling sorry for myself, just because I lost out on the love of my life, and her mother before her.

I planned to go see my father but somehow I ended up at the Cullen's homestead. I knocked at the Cullen's door, hoping Renesmee would be home. But I wasn't sure if she had come back from her honeymoon.

I got straight to the point when Edward opened the the door. "Do you care if I stay the night here?"

"Where have you been?" Edward pondered.

"I've needed some time alone. Now can I stay here or not?"

"Why?" He questioned letting me in the cottage.

"I got into a huge argument with my dad." Clearly I lied and Edward knew. I just need to be here tonight, please.

"Why?"

To be surrounded by... Her.

"What are you two talking about?" Bella wondered as she walked and grabbed Edward's hand. I was so glad I was over Bella.

"He wants to stay in Nessie's room, he misses her." After he informed Bella, he turned back to me,"Jake, I know this is hard on you." Edward said to me understandingly.

"I appreciate your empathy but you really don't Edward. This is history repeating itself, to see someone I love hitched to some guy. But the second time around hurts more."

After a quick pause I shouted "Damn it! She hardly knows him."

I nearly broke down in tears for the first time since Renesmee left Forks. In the last month it was hard to cry especially since I had been in wolf form, but I still held on to that hope I had found, for whatever reason.

"She didn't marry him." Bella said.

That was why I felt so hopeful, she wasn't married and I still had a chance, the next time I see her I need to tell her that I love her. "Wait, she didn't marry him?" I asked.

"She said she couldn't, not in front of so many that were against it. I think the fact that a majority of the pack left in the middle of the ceremony hurt her feelings."

"I know, it must have crushed her, she loves them so much. What's she doing then and where is she?"

" Well, she said she was going to get married in Argentina. She wanted it to be just her and Nahuel and she promised to inform us on the marriage."

"So she is married?"

"I'm unsure, she hasn't given us a call or written an e-mail or letter in three weeks." Bella spoke sadly.

Even sadder I stated,"I miss her."

" She'll be back soon." Bella tried to reassure me with a hug but it didn't work.

"She's been gone five weeks, I don't think she's coming back.I can't believe she never said goodbye."

"She didn't say goodbye to anyone, she doesn't like goodbye," Bella told me as if I didn't know.

" Maybe if you came to visit us sooner, you would have gotten the letter she wrote you." Edward said, so smug but it didn't really phase me, I was to depressed to even care about his mocking remarks.

"She left a note?"

"Yes," Bells smiled as she ran to her room and back to the entry way of the cottage that we were still standing in.

She handed me an envelope. I opened the, rectangular antique white envelope that simple read: To Jake.

Jacob, my Jacob,

You mean more to me than I could ever express. I really wish you understood me, my thoughts, and my decisions, the way I understand yours, or at least I like to believe I do. Remember, you will always be my Jacob, my best friend, and I will always be your Nessie. I will love you for all eternity.

Love Always and forever,

Renesmee Black. x0x0

My eyes watered but I wasn't going to let Edward or Bella see me cry, I had to much pride at the moment. Since, Renesmee left, it felt like pride was the only thing I had been left with.

" I just thought she'd say bye to me in person." I blubbered folding the letter slipping it into my khaki shorts, that needed to be washed.

"Sorry," Edward said patting me on the shoulder, "but you can stay here tonight."

"Thanks."

Bella interrupted, "And I promise Edward won't be listening to your thoughts."

"I would really appreciate that Ed."

"No problem." He agreed leaving the entry way and parting from the foyer of the cottage.

"I'll shield you as long as I can." Bella informed me and I was thankful that I wouldn't have to try hard to mind my own personal thoughts.

"Thanks Bella."

"Good Night Jake." She offered a hug and a kiss on the cheek. As she walked away she said, "You need to cut your hair, Renesmee likes it short."

"Night, Bella."

It was hard to look into Bella's eyes when they so much reminded me of Nessie. I made my way to her room. Observing the burnt orange walls and cream curtains I have been through one too many times. Everything was neatly placed in its appropriate spot. Her bed was made with the quilt that was made for her second birthday. It had wolves on it. The painting Alice had given her for her fifth birthday hung over her desk. I looked at her graduation cap that hung over the bedpost and remembered her graduation day. I saw the picture off her and I at prom in a frame on th wall.

On prom night I had stayed over, we slept for a total of an hour that night. We decided to hunt but she wasn't thirsty considering she took a swag of my blood when she thought I was fast asleep. She still had her white art deco inspired dress on, (Link on profile) her hair was still done up and a bright red rose behind her ear. The way she looked in that white dress blew my mind. I on the other hand was still in the most uncomfortable monkey suit ever! I didn't mind I spent the whole night pretending it was our wedding night. Her in the white dress me in the tux.

Since we couldn't get any sleep and she didn't want to hunt, we walked through Hoh Rain Forest. We just hiked at human pace barefoot until we reached First Beach and watched the sunrise. Then, it seemed everything was going to be okay and fall into place. I should have known better.

Everything seemed so empty and hollow without her here. Though, it seemed like she had never left. A pair of dirty sneakers rested under bed, not strategically placed but tossed as if she had just taken them off. I looked over to the night stand she had always kept her jewelry on.

The night before her wedding we had the argument about her marring Nahuel, Renesmee ran into the bathroom and I grabbed the ring off that exact night stand, right after I had somewhat expressed the love we had for each other. I wanted to give back to her, I wanted to place it on her finger ask her to be with me and not Nahuel but before I had the chance, she wanted me gone.

Actually, I denied her after we kissed. Gosh that kiss, was? I don't even have word, I sure didn't' feel that with Bella. It left me completely oblivious to the world. While Renesmee and I kissed, I became focused on what I had promised Edward and Bella. The promise to never make a move on Ness until she was sixteen, to never show her those feelings unless she felt the same. What sucked was I felt that she loved me the same way I loved her , but when I asked if she loved me, she said no. Why I had sworn to never do anything with her until she was sixteen years old, was beyond me. It was a thing I mentally complained about constantly.

I never got to explain myself to her but she clearly expressed we were no more than friends, friends with benefits I guess. She just wanted her first kiss and that was it? I took off astonished with the ring I made myslelf still hand. I dropped it when I phased. Not caring at the moment but the next morning I went to look for it. I would keep it as a memory of what we once had.

I couldn't understand why she would still want me there, at her wedding. I almost felt used by this beautiful girl, well woman. I've never felt so vulnerable in my life.

When I did find the ring, I placed it on a extra long chain that hung around my neck. Running around wolf form with it wasn't safe, I was scared I would lose it. After wearing it a few days, it just brought back the memory of her, a painful memory. So I left it in a drawer in my room.

CHAPTER 36 preview

Stepping into that room, it still heavily smelt like her, nothing had changed. I bet not a single soul has been in here since she left. As I walked over to window, I stepped on something. Under my foot, I found a book lying on the ground. She must have dropped it before she left. I opened the first page of the brown leather book, neatly written in it was The thoughts of Renesmee Cullen.

I thought I knew everything about Renesmee but apparently not. I never knew she kept a journal.

What could be in her diary? Dun Dun Dun!