The scene is Kyon's living room. A Christmas tree sits in the corner with plenty of gifts. Stockings decorate the outside of the fire-place. And a dancing Santa stands on top of the coffee table.

From the right enters Kyon himself, smiling for once.

"Boys and girls, today is the day. If you have to ask just what day, you are incredibly dumb. Christmas! A time of gifts, carols, cookies, and love for your fellow man," Kyon says jovially. "Now we don't usually celebrate Christmas here much in the way you Westerners do it, but we've decided to say no to the system and have a traditional Christmas special right here in my house. It's what the author would have wanted for you all! Haruhi should be here any minute along with the others. Wonder what kind of holiday nuttiness she's got planned for us all, I wonder?"

Finishing his cheery intro, Kyon suddenly noticed a small envelope lying on his coffee table. Seeing it was addressed to him, he opened it.

Dear, Kyon,

First of all, I'd like to express how deeply sorry I am for not being able to make it to your Christmas special. It really means a lot to me and stuff. I'd go on, but I really can't keep pulling crap out of my ass. As for the reason why I'm not here... well, I've chosen to spend this holiday hibernating. Yes, that's right. I've built up quite the layer of fat so I can stay warm. I've also layered the little area under your couch with blankets to make a cozy little den so I can hide from the harsh Nishinomiya winter and I've stocked about a month's worth of food under there so I don't starve.

Best of luck on your shitty little Christmas special, Kyon!

Love, Haruhi S.

P.S.: If you even THINK about touching my cocoa, I'll use your testicles as a punching-bag and rip your kidneys out through your eye-sockets.

Kyon's eye twitched. The good mood he had been in had been ruined, replaced by anger. How dare she! This whole thing had been her idea in the first place and she just skipped out on it!

Enraged, Kyon grabbed the sharpest poker from beside the fireplace, and used the end to lift a piece of fabric on the side of the couch, as well as the back of Haruhi's skirt, revealing white panties with blue snowflakes.

"Merry Christmas... Hope you enjoyed the view, perv..." Haruhi mumbled, pulling down her skirt. Kyon blushed a bit, but quickly remembered what he was doing. Many phrases went through his mind on what to yell at Haruhi, although he also considered using the little shovel thing to drag her half-sleeping form out from under the couch and beating her senseless, but that would probably have bad consequences with closed space and all.

Picking up the sharp tool, Kyon aimed it right at Haruhi's sleepy butt... and simply started prodding her.

"...Quit it," Haruhi mumbled.

Poke.

"...Cut it out," she replied again.

Poke.

"...I'm serious, stop that!" Haruhi roared this time.

Kyon prodded her again.

Poke.

"...If you wanna spoon with me, all ya gotta do is ask~..." Haruhi said in a Konataesque tone of voice.

Kyon dropped the poker and recoiled back from the possibly horny tsundere, only to back into something cold and solid. "Season's greetings," said Yuki, wearing a Santa hat. Behind her stood Itsuki in a tacky Frosty the snowman sweater and Mikuru, wearing a reindeer-antler headband and a green scarf in her sailor fuku.

"Hello, guys. I won't question how you managed to break into my house at the moment. I'm kind of dealing with a small problem at the moment," Kyon stated, waving weakly as he gestured to the dozing Haruhi.

"Your sister let us in," Itsuki clarified, peering down at the couch. "Just what seems to be the problem here?"

"Your Majesty refuses to stop snoozing and help us do a Christmas special," sighed Kyon.

"Ah. What a shame."

Turning over to Mikuru, Kyon noticed that the object of his constant erections was swaying slightly and smiling in a dazed way. "What's wrong with Miss Asahina?"

"She has ingested a large amount of eggnog. We figured it would loosen her up for the special. She seems well," answered Yuki, hat bobbing along with her words.

"URRRP!" Mikuru clamped her hands over her mouth and darted her eyes at her stunned friends. "Errr, sorry. Feeling a little gassy and stuff."

"Better you than..." Kyon gestured to Haruhi with his foot and chuckled. As if not noticing the current problem, Yuki sauntered past the boys and sat herself down on the couch. Preferably on the area located just above Haruhi's head.

"Owww! Watch it, whoever you are!" shouted Haruhi, rubbing her head. In response, Yuki sat up, then plopped down again. "Ooof! HEY!"

Mikuru pushed Yuki to the side. "I WANT A TURN!" the drunken moeblob exclaimed, dropping her perfectly rounded ass onto the area where Haruhi's head was as Yuki bounced on the other end of the couch. Like five-year old children, the two had a ball bouncing and torturing another (plus Kyon got a kick out of the fact that Mikuru had forgotten a bra that day). The fun stopped when Haruhi's arms snaked out and grabbed the two girls by their ankles, and proceeded to hurl them into Kyon's dining room

"Okay, you two, I think that was enough," Itsuki began, not caring if they were hurt or not. "Now what exactly is going on here?" Kyon picked up the letter and handed it to the esper.

"Here."

"Oh? Hmmmmm... Uh-huh... ...and rip your kidneys out through your eye-sockets? Oh, dear. This looks serious," Itsuki finished, folding the letter up.

"Yeah, can you get her out from my couch? I'm worried about what's gonna happen if she needs to use the bathroom and such. Well, that, and the special," Kyon said with a sneer.

Itsuki nodded and walked over to the couch, kicking the poker out of the way. "Miss Suzumiya? Are you in there?"

"Go away, Koizumi," Haruhi snorted. "I am much too plump to be bothered. Come see me in the spring!"

"Come on now, we'd really like to talk to you. You're not a bear or groundhog," Itsuki coaxed gently.

"...That's nice... Say, can you bring me some food? I think I left the can-opener on the counter." Kyon thanked the heavens that she couldn't access her beans, jelly, broccoli, or butterscotch for one of her monstrous sandwiches.

"Now, now, let's try to be reasonable. Can you just come outside? We're all here for YOUR special!" the esper declared.

"...Why can't it be a HaruhiRolled special? I want mah bigger spotlight this year!" Haruhi whined like a spoiled brat.

"Miss Suzumiya, you know we got a bomb-threat two weeks ago, plus the author is-"

"WAAAAH!" Haruhi cried from under the couch.

"You know what? This could go on for a very long time," Yuki said as she walked out from the dining room, Mikuru's head on her shoulder.

"Indeed," Kyon replied."

"Is everything alright in here- GOD DAMN IT, WHO LEFT THIS POKER HERE!" the loud voice of Kyon's little sister shrieked as she clutched her bleeding foot.

"Are you okay~?" Itsuki rushed over to aid Kyon's sister with grabby hands.

"Go to hell, Koizumi!" Imouto replied, hobbling over to her brother's side out of the reach of the pedo.

"Good girl," Kyon congratulated.

Yuki sat upon the part of the couch where she could not harm Haruhi, and said, "Does anyone have any suggestions for what we can do for a Christmas special? I have an idea of my own if anyone is curious."

"Mmm? What?" Mikuru sleepily said from her spot on the rug.

"Yeah, what story?" Haruhi asked in an almost eager tone of voice.

"I thought you didn't want to be involved in our special?" Kyon asked, a smile tugging on his lips.

"...Well, I don't! Go on ahead with your lousy idea!"

"Well..." The alien adjusted her hat. "I call it Asakura the Frosty-hearted Back-up Unit. The tale of an extraterrestrial who, once given an enchanted hat by some unsuspecting children, decides to cause a massive explosion of data by going to accost Santa Claus. He doesn't go without a fight, however."

"Sounds... neat," said Imouto.

"I got one, too!" Mikuru butted in. "I call it... The Sneering Bastard Who Stole Christmas!"

"Part of me is morbidly curious on that one," Kyon voiced. Even Itsuki seemed to be nodding.

"I wanna sing the 12 Days of Christmas!" tweeted Imouto.

Mikuru raised an eyebrow. "The song that Tsuruya thinks is a menu?"

"Yep!"

"Ah."

"I think my idea is better," Yuki concluded proudly.

"It's a tad garden-variety," smiled Itsuki. "I propose we gather around as I tell the story of Emiri the Green-haired Nobody. Everyone used to laugh and call her names, as I recall!"

The silent bibliophile glared. "They still do."

"You're both wrong! My idea is a billion times better!" crowed Mikuru, stifling another belch.

"I have the only good one! Your ideas all stink!" Imouto screamed.

"I got some ideas..." came the weak voice of Haruhi, still under the couch.

But before the friends could argue some more, the wall suddenly exploded inwards. The smoked cleared away slowly. It was none other than... the Anti-SOS Brigade!

"We have come to wish you some happy holidays, and to provide some comic-relief," stated Sasaki.

"Yes!" said Fujiwara, slipping on a patch of snow.

"Why is Miss Suzumiya under the couch?" Kyouko questioned. At her words, Haruhi's head withdrew into the safety of her comfy hideaway.

"She's trying to hibernate for the winter. I think..." Kyon answered. "So can I get you all anything?"

"Oh, no. We're not hungry. And Kuyou is on a diet. Don't want her putting on any holiday-weight," Fujiwara replied.

As this was going on, said alien was now standing at the couch and looking down at where Haruhi was, having sensed her presence. "...Have you any sustenance?"

"GO AWAY, SCARY GHOST-BABY," came Haruhi's response. Disappointed, Kuyou got up and began to walk away... until something in the kitchen caught her attention.

Kyouko turned around and noticed the fighting between Itsuki, Yuki, Mikuru, and Imouto. "Now, now! You all must not fight! It's Christmas!"

"What does that have to do with anything?" Yuki asked.

"Yeah!" said Imouto.

The gang all turned to face the always-deluded esper. A soft melody began to play out of nowhere.

Sasaki looked about. "Where's that music coming from? And why are my moral-senses kicking in?"

A large spotlight descended upon Kyouko, while a chorus of angels sing. "People should never fight during the holidays. But it's during some times like these that when we fight, we show just how much we truly care for the other person. If you didn't bother to argue with the person at all, then you'd have nothing to feel for that person at all in your heart," Kyouko spoke, the unseen chorus getting louder. "And Christmas shouldn't be about big, fancy specials! Or video games, or money, expensive clothes, or having to put up with people you don't like! It's all about the birth of a very special person. A person who blessed this planet's people and creatures with the ability to love and care for one another. A person who will one day lead this world to a blissful paradise. Because isn't the birthday of our savior more important than what's in your stocking?"

The chorus reached a final crescendo and stopped. The spotlight faded away. The entire room was so deadly quiet, that you could hear a pin drop. A loud sniffle came from under the couch.

"My GOD, that was beautiful~..." sobbed Haruhi.

"Aww, fuck, I got something in my fucking eye..." Fujiwara grimaced and looked away, making sure no one could see him bring a tissue to his face. From the kitchen, Kuyou choked back a cry of sadness. Yuki and Mikuru shared a hug. Kyon smiled and ruffled Imouto's hair.

"That was really sweet, Kyouko," Sasaki said softly, trying to regain her cool composure. "Really sweet."

"It really was," Itsuki exclaimed, placing a hand on a smiling Kyouko's shoulder. "We should always remember that Christmas isn't just a day about Santa Claus or presents... It's the day we should all be celebrating Jesus' birthday."

Kyouko continued to smile... then glanced at the other esper with a look of complete anger and bewilderment . "The fuck are you talking about, Puff the Magic Faggot? I WAS TALKIN' ABOUT SASAKI!"

As Fujiwara and Sasaki performed a double facepalm, Mikuru stood up, an equal amount of rage in her eyes. "I THOUGHT YOU WERE TALKIN' ABOUT MEXICAN JESUS!"

"AND I THOUGHT YA MEANT RAPTOR JESUS!" hollered Imouto.

In less than a second, the room erupted into a full-blown argument.

Kyon sighed. "How can this get any worse?"

In response, Shamisen trotted over to Kyon and sat next to him. "Actually, yes," answered the cat. "The readers of this fanfic are so appalled at the shoddy quality of this so-called special, that they have already begun to set fire to our house, Kyon."

Curious, Kyon got up and peered out his window. Already, a large ring of flame had risen up around the perimeter of his home.

"...Well!" he finally said.

"HEY, IS IT GETTING WARM IN HERE OR IS IT JUST ME?" whined Haruhi, peeking out. "...PUT DOWN MY FUCKING COCOA, SUOU!"

A/N: Merry Christmas to all my friends!

Credit goes to ObsidianWarrior for coming up with the idea, as well as helping to write the letter and other bits. Thank you, my friend. Happy holidays to you.

I like reviews. It's Christmas. So guess what? GIMME THEM AS PRESENTS! ...Please?

And now to work on some other stuff.