Chapter 37

Sam carried Anna to one of the chairs at the briefing room table and held her close on her lap. She could hear Jack yelling at Landry. She and Landry both knew Jack wasn't mad at him; he just needed to yell at someone. He was mad at the men who tried to take Anna, and at himself. Knowing Jack, he was more mad at himself than anyone else.

Although he had masked it well enough aboard Prometheus, she knew what he was capable of. Jack was dangerous right now. She wasn't afraid of him, but for him. It was best if he found safe outlets, such as old friends like Landry.

She looked back down at Anna sleeping… a moment ago, aboard Prometheus if Jack had asked; she would have gone along with any plan to keep her safe. She would have left the Air Force, moved back to the cabin, another country, another planet…another time if possible. But now that she had a chance to calm down she wanted those responsible hunted down… she wanted this over… and she wanted her daughter's security ensured. She kissed Anna's head.

Sam did not realize Jack had stopped yelling until he sat down in the chair next to her. He stroked Anna's back. "Janet's here," he informed her calmly, in stark contrast to the tone he had used with Landry. "She's on her way down. She'll probably want to see you both in the infirmary before we can go home."

She reached for Jack's hand. Sam wanted to reassure him, ask him not to blame himself, but at the same time she didn't want to deter him from finding them. She knew from her own prison of self persecution what he was going through. The scene from the hotel when that man grabbed Anna played over and over in her head; she kept looking for how she could have prevented it… what mistakes she made. She felt the danger in the days preceding. She knew something menacing was nearby. She should have been more careful.

He looked up into her eyes, "I will find them, Sam." In his eyes she could feel the abyss of horrors that his anger could unleash, the internal battle he was fighting. She both feared and welcomed his anger, it would ensure Anna's safety, but would the cost be so great that she would lose him in the process? "I promise."

She closed her eyes, of that she was certain. He would find them. She wanted to go with him …but she couldn't even continue to hold the breath she had been suppressing…any longer…she allowed the breath to rush in and expand her lungs, and face the pain she had started to feel escalating with the last few.

She heard him as if from a distance. "Sam?"…Anna slipped out of her arms as the darkness enveloped her world.

-s-j-s-j-s-j-&-a

"That was not part of the plan!" He accused passionately rushing into the glass walled office.

"Close the door." The man at the desk responded stoically, as he continued with his work to back up his data. "You're a military man. You understand the concept of acceptable losses and the cost if we fail. They're going to do it again. All they will care about is saving her. Everyone else be damned." He presented the arguments calmly and rationally with rehearsed precision.

"Colonel Carter is an acceptable loss?" He looked at him with disbelief and shook his head, "You said no one outside the Trust would be hurt."

"That was not part of the plan. It was unfortunate, I admit. But what I told you was that I would do my best to minimize the damage outside the Trust."

"Kidnapping a little girl is minimizing-"

"The plan to neutralize Jackson before he alerted the Ori to our existence failed."

"Yeah, well that's your own fault. Why did you bring me into this?"

"Don't forget, you came to me. You were the one who realized how dangerous SG-1 had become." He spoke of the future in the past tense.

Each encounter with this man had become more and more bizarre and he was beginning to wonder if he even knew what year it really was.

"You were the one that insisted on discrediting Hammond, thereby tying General O'Neill's and the SGC's hands."

"No one was supposed to die."

"Not stopping Jackson means that we need the girl. People will die; thousands, maybe more this time. We can not give up. If we can extract the nanites from Anna, we might be able to save some of the people who get infected with the plague."

"She's just a little girl."

"So is your niece…and what about your sister, and the thousands of other innocent people? Should they all die because of SG-1's recklessness? Don't lose your nerve now, just because it gets a little messy." He waited and watched the nervous man run his hand through his hair, contemplating his options… struggling with his choices. "Besides, you can't save them from jail." He threatened coldly, making his choice much easier. "You should go back to work before you're missed."

"No one will notice my absence; they're too busy trying to track you down. Besides, I'm supposed to remain focused; I have to defend our budget in two weeks. Not everyone has seen the future. I don't imagine there will be a convenient defining moment soon enough to make my job easier."

"Not supposed to be." He popped a pill into his mouth and washed it down with some water. "I'm going underground. It won't be long now before they make connections."

"If you need me, I'll be at the SGC next week ironing out the details with General O'Neill."

"That could work to our advantage. I'll contact you in Colorado. On your way out ask Evans for recommendations for the budget. She's an advocate of the SGC." He justified the man's visit for him while pulling a few more things from his desk.

"Yeah. I'm sure that'll make a difference." He said sarcastically and left feeling more uncertain of what he was doing than when he had arrived, but he was in too deep now. Perhaps he could talk some sense into him in Colorado.

-s-j-s-j-s-j-&-a

Jack had moved from the chair to the stool after a while out of restless boredom and an unacceptable level of exhaustion; waiting was wearing him down. Occasionally he looked from one bed to the other, and then returned his gaze to his fidgeting hands… silently punishing himself for allowing her to be hurt…again. The image of Anna slipping from Sam's arms revealing the large blood stain on her shirt and jacket kept replaying in his head. In a sick way it was okay though, because it was keeping him awake…

Earlier today…Jack walked back from Landry's office, trying to pull himself together with every step as he approached Sam and Anna. He saw Sam's head bend to kiss Anna's head and his gut clenched. He knew he should feel gratitude that they all got out, but he just couldn't. He felt the blood boil in his veins; it took a tremendous amount of energy just to keep himself in this building. He sat in front of her and she grabbed his hand. He wasn't prepared for her vulnerability, not here. He softened slightly as the anger rolled back involuntarily. He closed his eyes and drew her hand to his lips. He wanted to say it would be alright…that he wouldn't let them get her…but he couldn't believe it long enough to lie to her, "I'm sorry." His head bent to rest on her small hand and attempt to draw on her strength.

He felt his former black ops self rising within him and he didn't want to be that man. He wanted to be the man he saw reflected in her eyes at the fountains the night they were married… looking into her eyes… holding Anna in his arms… he could still hear their laughter and feel their love. He tried to focus on those feelings…but returning to the current moment brought the realization that the anger and vengeance were very much still here and rapidly overtaking him. Those feelings, the dangerous ones, were pulling him out there to chase down the threat to his family…

He bent to kiss her hand again, but this time with open eyes and for the first time noticed the cuts and bruises on her hand then he heard her struggled breath. By the time he looked up Anna was slipping from Sam's unconscious grasp, "Sam?" A large blood stain was revealed, one that he knew had not been there aboard Prometheus. Although, now that he had thought about it, he had assumed the blood stains were from John Doe, not coming from Sam.

He stood and moved to the side of the room at Janet's insistence. Janet had assessed the

situation and was calling for a chest tube even before the stretcher arrived. Suddenly they were gone rushing to the elevator.

Jack stood in the quiet briefing room, stunned and holding on tightly to his daughter's warm, but limp body. The chairs were pushed to the side to make room for the medical personnel and the stretcher, gauze with Sam's blood and wrappers from the sterilized medical equipment used to stabilize Sam littered the floor.

"Jack, what can I do?" Landry asked.

Jack shook his head still in shock from the scene he had witnessed. He resituated Anna in his arms and made his way to the elevator. When he reached the infirmary Janet was pulling off her bloody gloves and informing him that they were taking Sam to surgery.

Sam looked over at him briefly. He wasn't sure of her state of consciousness, but he saw a mix of fear, concern and love flash across her face. Tears streamed down onto the hospital sheets and he wasn't sure which emotion could lay claim to them. He walked closer and wiped the trail clean, and tried to smile at her…tried to think of something to say to comfort her, but the words seemed inadequate and then she slipped away again.

Janet ordered an IV and evaluation of Anna. He reluctantly put her on one of the infirmary beds, while looking on in disbelief at Sam as they prepared to take her into the OR. It didn't feel real. More like one of his memories of a time that would now never happen, but he could feel the sticky residue of Sam's blood from Anna's clothing and he knew it was…real. It was all too real. Sam's blood coated his hands…how much had she lost? Images of their kitchen floor covered with her blood flashed before his eyes, lifting her head into his lap, the realization that-

"General… General...?" Janet touched his arm, "She's tough, she'll be alright." Janet's shaky breath told him that she was worried too.

He wanted to run after them when they wheeled Sam out of the infirmary…tell her he was sorry… The nurses began to clean Sam's blood off of Anna, but Jack needed something to do and took the sponge from them. He removed her red stained pajamas. An acidic taste filled his senses and he fought to stay here with her where he was needed. Sam needed him to be here for Anna; Anna needed him to be here too. After he cleaned her up, he put her in a clean over-sized shirt, and he sat on the bed holding her. The infirmary was quiet now and empty, Sam was in surgery, Janet was in there with her, Daniel was probably still unconscious, and Teal'c was on Dakara. He felt completely alone.

He never used to mind it…being alone. Throw a couple of dogs on the grill, grab a beer and watch a game or fish on the dock for hours…days of complete solitude deep in the quiet recesses of his Minnesota hideaway. There he used to seek solace, now he couldn't bear to think about going back to that life.

When Janet returned she ordered that Anna and Sam be moved to a private recovery room. He could only think about how much easier security would be in a private room and hand picked the team assigned to the door.

Jack tucked Anna in after the nurses checked to make sure the IV did not get tangled in the move, "I don't know how Dr. Evans could have missed that aboard Prometheus." Janet wondered aloud, checking on Sam.

"She wouldn't let go of Anna. She walked in and out of the infirmary on her own. None of us realized," he explained ashamed. He knew her better than anyone, how could he have missed it?

Now Jack sat here, two guards posted at the door…again, alone… quietly… waiting. He looked at his watch again, only a few more minutes had passed since he had last checked. Hank had kept him informed with regular reports. He reviewed them again looking for something he might have missed, but still nothing …only little bits of useless information. He rubbed his tired eyes. There was nothing in there leading them to the people responsible. The rage inflamed him when he looked up at his sedated family recovering from the trauma of this morning's events. He couldn't sit still any longer. He left them for the first time today. His feet took him to the armory. He checked out his hand gun, and turned determined…but with the next few steps he realized he didn't know exactly where he was going or if he really could leave them in their vulnerable state. His pace slowed and he changed direction.

He sat in the locker room, uncertain of what his next step should be. It was a feeling he was uncomfortable with...uncertainty. Uncertainty was dangerous. If you waited, you were dead, you risked people's lives, or you missed opportunities. He looked at the gun in his hand. He needed resolution, restitution…..revenge. His extreme rage felt disproportionate even for the offense against his family, but he could not bring it back under control. A mission was developing in his head, but it was still a mission with no destination.

"Hey," Daniel said casually coming into the locker room. Jack wanted to feel gratitude that Daniel was alright, but his anger, guilt, and exhaustion overrode everything else. He was focused on the gun, it was a weapon of certainty. Purpose. Decisive action. Protection. He squashed the voices that nagged of its destruction and gave way to those that questioned his ability to protect his family. He obviously was not meant to be a family man.

"You look awful." Daniel commented. Jack did not want to see him. He didn't want to be reasoned with, talked down, or refocused. Jack was trained not to be distracted, stay the course…

Jack looked up for a moment, intent on deterring him. He let Daniel see the brief glimpse of the hardened man fighting for control of his soul. The intense glare of a man he used to be, a man he had thought he had left on Abydos so many years ago. He saw the recognition in Daniel's eyes and the helplessness that man felt.

Jack heard Daniel's muffled voice, maybe he asked a question, but he missed it and couldn't bring himself to even ask 'What?'

"So….you want to get something to eat?" Daniel asked casually.

"No," Jack said shaking his head. "No, I should get back."

"Um," Daniel pointed to Jack's shirt spattered with blood stains. He had not changed all day. "Why don't you shower and change, since you're here. I'll go back and sit with them." Daniel said as he put his hand out to receive the gun from Jack.

Jack looked at Daniel's hand, he knew Jackson would not leave without it. He mustered all available strength and put the gun in his hand, then stood and turned to his locker. When the door closed behind Daniel, Jack kicked the locker door, the rage began to seep out of him and he didn't stop until he could not bear the pain in his hands and feet any longer.

-s-j-s-j-s-j-&-a

Reentering his family's recovery room, Jack noticed the institutional tray of food now on the table. A wrapped sandwich, a cup of coffee and a traditional offering of Jell-o. He picked up the coffee.

Daniel sat in the chair between the two beds. A territorial part of Jack wanted Daniel to leave, vacate his seat. Leave him be. It was his job to sit here with them, not Daniel's, not anyone else's.

"What do you want, Daniel?" Jack finally spat.

"Well, you know I just got back from another galaxy, and thought you-"

"You were in Observation Room B," he said harshly.

"Point?"

"We weren't even worried enough to put you in Observation Room A." Jack took a sip of the hot coffee.

"It's being painted." Daniel argued the ridiculous point out of shear habit, but could see that Jack had already abandoned their game…"You could have warned me that was going to happen you know, or stopping it would have been even better?" Daniel blamed him playfully.

Jack looked at him confused at first, but then realized to what he was referring …exactly what he had worked so hard to remember, "Tried; the memory was a little slow on the uptake. By the time I remembered enough I called, but you had already 'left'."

"So those are the Ori?"

"If you say so."

"But you-" Daniel swirled his hand around his head.

"Remembered. Not crazy. At least not that part."

"Anything you can tell me?"

"No."

"Jack, these guys… "

Jack locked eyes with him, "Daniel, I know they're a serious threat. Better than any of you. I didn't have to meet them." He crumpled up the empty coffee cup in his hand and threw it at the garbage can, but missed. "There's a report on my laptop. Walter can get it for you. I was supposed to present it to the IOA and HomeWorld this morning. It's the only record left of what I knew about them."

"What you knew?"

"Yeah. I know I knew, but now I don't." Jack looked confused by his own statement.

"Jack, what are you talking about?"

"Light…flash…gone. So long…farewell…" He made a few strange noises for effect. He had no idea how much Daniel had been briefed since he had returned, but he didn't have the patience or desire to go into detail. His usual manor of dealing… the flippant remarks and all were taking more out of him than usual.

"So that device-?" Daniel's question revealed that he did know at least some of what had happened.

"Brain-scrambler, I guess. I have some vague recollections from discussions with Carter, but that's it. She might even know more than I do at this point. Aren't you supposed to be in the infirmary?"

"I'm fine. They're more worried about Vala…you know, since she died for a little while."

"Stealing your thunder?"

Daniel could feel Jack's tension had lessened a little since their encounter in the locker room, still Jack was deep and Daniel didn't know if he could reach him this time. "Yeah. You know, Janet says they're going to be alright."

"Yeah, what am I supposed to tell my daughter when she wakes up and sees her mother like that?"

"You'll give her the assurance she needs to know Sam will be alright. That will be enough for her. You'll do the same for Sam, assure her that Anna will be alright and they will be." Jack looked at him uncertain that he could this time. "So will you, Jack. Just…give it some time." Jack closed his eyes. He couldn't think that far ahead, could not allow himself to feel any sense of contentment or peace. "Then when we find these people, and we will, you'll end this, Jack." Daniel said with complete confidence and sincerity. Jack was surprised at the darkness that had crept into Daniel voice toward the end, but he knew Daniel loved Sam and Anna too.

-s-j-s-j-s-j-&-a

Sam woke and found a mass of gray hair at her side. She lifted her hand and gingerly ran her fingers through the familiar soft, short hairs. Her brain felt as if it were in a fog. She tried to remember when they came home and why she was laying here in this bed surrounded by the familiar, gray, concrete walls of the SGC. She tried to sit up a little, but the pain was great and realized that she was here because she was injured. She looked over at Anna sleeping in the other bed and felt the tears stream down her face, images flooded her mind and she remembered enough. She wasn't paranoid, not over-protective, her little girl really was in danger.

Jack sat up taking her hand in his, as he rose. He kissed her palm, as his warm lips touched her skin she could feel his tangible relief in his exhaled sigh.

"Need anything?" He asked as he struggled to open his eyes and Sam could see him discreetly trying to stretch the kinks out of his back.

"Water?" She whispered hoarsely. He stood and got her a cup of water from the small plastic hospital pitcher, handed it to her, but then took two steps back and put his hands in his pockets. She took a small sip while looking into his eyes for clues as to his state of mind, but she could not read him. "No leads?" she forced out.

"No leads," he admitted, knowing that she knew that he would not likely be here if he had a lead to follow. She knew him well enough to know his internal struggles. That he wanted to be out there doing something, not in here waiting.

"What happened to me?" She struggled.

"You have a few broken ribs. The bullet that took out John Doe-" for the first time she saw pain in his expression as he relived a bit of what had happened "…it punctured one of your lungs. There was some other stuff, but Janet said they repaired everything… and that you'll be alright." He broke eye contact with her and Sam looked down at her wrapped hands and chest. "You shouldn't have been carrying her. You should have said something… you should have said something to me, Carter."

She knew he was trying to distance himself, not lose hold of his anger. Carter. She closed her eyes and remembered fighting with the guy, John Doe before he was shot by the sniper. She remembered kicking the gun out of his hand and sending Jack running after Anna. She recovered the gun, but Doe got back up and knocked it out of her hands and they struggled. He got in a good kick to her side before he fell on top of her when he was snot by the sniper. She didn't even register the bullet that had entered her chest as she rolled over to crawl to safety. She thought it was just pain from when he kicked her. She never even realized she had been shot. All she could think about was Anna.

"Tattoo." She mentioned with her eyes still closed. She could see it vividly.

"Yeah, Special Forces. We believe he was one of the men involved in the raid on the Trust warehouse. Reynolds recognized him. He's been underground for sometime, runs in the right circle. Hank's got a call into the NID."

"What else?"

"Later. Rest now." She knew he was right, she couldn't even keep her eyes open any longer, but she wanted to know. She wanted to get up and hold Anna, and be a part of the investigation and just stay awake… "Plenty of time to debrief you later."

"Right." She responded disappointed. She wanted Jack here with her, but she wanted him out there finding them if she couldn't. She didn't have the energy to save him from going over that edge, and she wasn't sure she should. Still she wanted her husband here to make her feel like it would be alright… She knew it was ridiculous; she couldn't have it all, but it didn't matter right now.

"Its okay, Sam. You saved us," he whispered. She felt his unshaven face brush against hers and his lips against her temple. He was gentle and calm, but his voice was rough and uncertain. No one else, except maybe Daniel or Teal'c would have noticed the difficulty he was having. "You're both safe."

More tears escaped, she knew the line he was walking. She wanted to sit up and hold him and relieve him of his concerns, as long as it didn't cause him to lose his drive to find them. They were both walking a fine line… She fell asleep for just a minute and woke abruptly, "Jack, move Anna closer and then get some sleep. Please."

"You sure?" She nodded. He got up, moved the chair from between the beds, pushed Anna's bed against Sam's, then locked the wheels. He knew Janet would throw a fit and he worried a little about Anna waking and hurting Sam, but worried more that if Anna woke and saw Sam in her current state, she would climb off her bed and into Sam's, and that was definitely going to hurt.

Sam reached for Anna's hand and drifted off again.

Jack sat on the extra bed that had been brought in for him watching them sleep, he leaned his head back against the wall, going over every detail of the entire past three weeks once again…