The Scarlet Letter

I came back to the estate later in the morning, having slept in after Loghain left. The seneschal greeted me and handed me a box of berries and a note.

"These came for you, my lady," he said.

"Thank you, Gerold." I took the berries to my room and closed the door. I was experiencing such a strange mash-up of emotions: Fear, depression, shame, elation... that last one was definitely strange. Fear and depression; understandable. I was probably going to die soon. Shame, sure. I was using sex to get what I wanted from Loghain. I'd had more sexual partners in the last few months than I'd had in the last fifteen years. As much as I liked to feel that there was nothing wrong with that, there was a little, old, puritanical lady named Abigail in my head, embroidering a large scarlet 'A', or perhaps 'W', for me to wear. At least I knew now I couldn't get kicked out of the Grey Wardens for promiscuity. In fact, it might earn me a nickname and a place in the history books.

Elation though; that was the strangest emotion yet. I felt like my blood was carbonated. I knew that feeling. I'd felt it many times in my life. It was infatuation, perhaps lust, maybe even that other word that started with the letter 'L'. And then we cycled back around to fear again. Fear of being hurt, fear of loss, fear of dying... Thinking like this was pointless; it would just paralyze me. I opened the note.

I didn't think at my age there were any more surprises in store for me. You keep proving me wrong.

LMT

I slid down against a wall in my room and stared at the note. The parchment soaked up my tears as they fell on the paper and the ink ran down the page. Who would have guessed the cantankerous general could possibly express such a sentiment?

~o~o~o~

"I'm sorry I didn't come by earlier. I should have," I told Alistair, feeling ashamed for retreating into my own private despair and not thinking about him. I entered his room and shut the door. I wanted to talk over what we learned yesterday from Riordan.

He shrugged and gestured for me to sit. "It's okay. As you keep reminding me, we're Grey Wardens, we have to sacrifice everything to stop the Blight, including our lives and our honor."

I went into his room at sat in a chair. I sensed trouble brewing. "I haven't sacrificed my honor. At least, I don't believe I have. Have you?"

"How can sleeping with a man you don't care for be honorable?" He picked up his sword and started cleaning it.

I looked out the window. It looks like rain. The clouds were hanging heavily in the sky. It would be muddy in Denerim after a hard rain. I wasn't looking forward to that at all. What is it like, flying in rain?

"Maker's breath." he swore, "You care for him? You actually like that traitorous piece of … after what he did to us? To the Grey Wardens? To Cailan? To Riordan?"

It was like having a debate with a badly scratched record! "Al, he is not a traitor. He loves this country. He is ruthless, yes, a bit paranoid perhaps, but he only does what he feels he must do to save the country. He's not that much different from us."

"What did it take for him to win you over? How many times in bed before your allegiance changes?"

I stood up, my face burning. "That's completely unfair!" My voice crept up in decibels as my temper frayed. "My allegiances have not changed."

Alistair smiled grimly. "Just where do you go every night? Who has seduced whom? How do you know you're not being played?" He was shouting now, his face was turning red.

I was about to shout a reply when I felt that itching, pulling sensation. I recognized it this time. It was Riordan calling us. It shut down my response and all I could muster was an angry look at Alistair as we both turned to leave his room.

We were still glaring at each other as we entered Riordan's room.

"Close the door, please," he asked Alistair. "Both of you sit. You two need to resolve this conflict before it tears you apart completely. There are only three of us remaining and it is essential we work well together." His voice was calm and placid. I got the feeling he rarely showed emotion. "Now, what is the problem?"

I gestured to Alistair to go first.

"She is sleeping with Loghain! She even takes his side on what he did in Ostagar. According to her he can do no wrong. Now she even likes him."

I bumped my head against the wall, trying not to interrupt, but my frustration was overflowing.

"Sister, what is your response?" Riordan asked patiently.

"I believe Loghain did what was necessary at Ostagar to preserve the remaining military forces. That there were tragic loses, no one debates, but throwing his army into that massacre would not have changed anything and would have left us worse off than we are now."

Riordan nodded. "That is conceivable. Did either of you see the battle?"

We both shook our heads. "We were lighting the beacon in the tower, and we were delayed by the darkspawn," I said.

"He turned away assistance at the border!" Alistair said, pointing at me.

"True, but he was afraid the Orlesians wouldn't leave after the Blight was handled. That was a very large force of non-Wardens that came along with them. Maybe Orlais is perfectly safe as an ally nowadays, I have no idea, but Loghain certainly doesn't think so. I don't know what has been going on since the Orlesians were expelled from the country. None of us know what sort of plots or assassination attempts may have been tried or what they've been up to, if anything. Loghain might be paranoid, or he might be perfectly reasonable in questioning the wisdom of allowing four legions of chevaliers across the border. In neither case is he a traitor as you call him."

I crossed the room and found a chair to sit in. "In any event, since I've talked with him he regrets having turned away the Grey Wardens." I thought it best to not mention I was telling him our secrets.

"You've lost all objectivity, Elissa. He was allied with Howe. Look at the unspeakable things Howe did in his name," Alistair said, his voice heating up again.

"He didn't know what Howe was up to. He's arrested Howe and I'm sure he'll do a better job of monitoring his allies," I said, keeping a lid on my temper now.

Riordan looked at me, his eyes assessing me impassively. "Have you lost your objectivity?"

"No!" I stood up and paced. "I haven't. I do like Loghain, but I'm not his tool. I'm simply finding he's not the unreasonable monster some would have us believe." I sighed, feeling impatient. "I've had some influence on him. We certainly can't abandon our alliance with him now. We're so close to success, with the Landsmeet only a short ways off."

Riordan looked at us both. "Leave us, Lucy."

I nodded. Sweet Maker, I hoped he could talk some sense into Alistair!

~o~o~o~

I was practicing some of the exercises that Wynne had taught me. I shot a tiny lightning bolt out of my finger into a portrait of Rendon Howe, leaving a small pock mark on his cheek. She wanted me to be able to control the size and area of my spells. It seemed fairly straightforward to me, I couldn't understand why she fussed over it so much. I adjusted my warm water spell so that steam would come out of my ears and nostrils. It could be quite theatrical, something previously only done by cartoon characters. I stood in front of the mirror and practiced until the mirror was fogged up and my hair went crazy with the humidity.

There was a tap on my door and Riordan came in.

"Lucy, sit. We should talk." He looked around my room and saw water dripping down the mirror and noticed the warm humidity in my room. "What have you been doing?"

I shot a puff of steam out of my nose and ears.

"Very amusing," he laughed. "The archdemon will be impressed."

I smiled. "It's good practice. Wynne wants me to have more control over my magic and if I blow this spell I'll scorch my nostrils."

"I think I managed to explain to Alistair that what you're doing is beneficial to our goal. But I wonder if he isn't right. Have you lost your objectivity? Sometimes people lose themselves in an intense relationship, they can lose track of their own interests. You can't afford to do that, Lucy."

I didn't answer him. I furrowed my brow. Had I? I cared for Loghain. How easy is it to see things his way when I find such pleasure and comfort with him? "In all honesty, I'm more sympathetic to him now than I was. I'm more willing to believe him. I've spent some time with him now and I find him credible."

"Is he your only lover?" he asked.

I boggled at Riordan. "That seems like a rather personal question. How is that even relevant?"

"My apologies, but it is relevant. You've acknowledged that your passions are … enhanced since you became a Grey Warden, no? Sometimes people tend to fall in love when they're sleeping with someone, even if that wasn't their intent. The heightened state of a Grey Warden could make that even more likely. "

"What are you suggesting I do? Take another lover?" I frowned. "It's bad enough I slept with a man just to manipulate him. I was fortunate enough to actually find I … like him." I suddenly felt miserable. I wasn't being objective, at least not completely, but I was having success in influencing Loghain. I leaned my head against a bedpost and frowned. Zevran and Teagan knew how things stood with me, Loghain didn't. Abigail's scarlet 'W' was becoming larger by the minute.

Riordan put an arm around me to comfort me. "I know, Sister. The Grey Wardens ask for a lot of sacrifices, especially during a Blight. You need to think like a Grey Warden now, not a woman. Having another lover will blunt your passion for Loghain."

"I'll take it under advisement," I said.

"That's all I can ask." He squeezed my shoulder and left.

I turned to the mirror and looked into it. "Hey, Elissa. You'd never believe what I'm doing with your body," I said. "It's for a good cause though."

~o~o~o~

The nobles from the Bannorn began to arrive about ten days before the Landsmeet. Teagan was one of the first and the next day his brother arrived. Loghain was getting broodier than normal and his mood was contagious. We spent more time talking than we had before. I was flying into his sitting room window every night at our prearranged time and spending the night with him. If he thought a particular noble was going to be a problem I'd go talk to them and try to convince them. So far it was working well. No one other than my circle of companions knew that Loghain and I were connected, at least as intimately as we were.

I convinced Bann Sighard and Bann Alfstanna that Loghain had sent us to investigate Howe's dungeon and that I would personally see to it that Howe paid for his various crimes. It took some work to convince them that Loghain wasn't caught up in Howe's plots, but seeing that a Cousland, one of the most aggrieved of Howe's victims, didn't hold Loghain responsible helped immensely.

The day Teagan arrived he sent a note to me, asking me to visit at my earliest convenience. I took him at his word and went immediately. He had a nice home in Denerim. I wouldn't call it an estate by any stretch of the imagination, but it was very comfortable and homey. I was happy to see Bertrand, the elven man from Redcliffe who ratted out Isolde, open the door.

"My lady!" Bertrand exclaimed, bowing low to me. "Andraste be praised! I am happy to see you again."

I smiled broadly at Bertrand. "I'm happy to see you! How is your wife? Has she delivered yet?"

"Yes, ma'am. We had a baby boy just three weeks ago. They both bide well."

"Are things going well for you with Bann Teagan?"

"Oh yes, ma'am. Our circumstances are much improved."

I handed Bertrand a sovereign. "Please Bertrand, buy your young one something nice for me."

"Thank you. May Andraste bless you." He bowed to me again and directed me into the house. "I will let my lord know you're here."

I nodded my thanks to Bertrand. It warmed my heart to see he was happy in his new job. I didn't have to wait long before I heard footsteps running down the stairs and saw Teagan.

"Lucy!" He grinned at me and swept me into his arms and spun me around. "I am so happy to see you." He put his hand through my hair and kissed me. I had forgotten what his kisses were like and how he smelled. It was only five weeks since we had been together, but my body had forgotten nothing. I curled my hand around his jaw and trailed it down his throat.

"Teagan," I said, throatily, "It is good to see you again." I pulled away from him, wanting nothing more than to completely renew our acquaintance.

"Is this Landsmeet because of you?" he asked.

"I think so. Loghain took some convincing, but he did eventually come to see the merit of my proposed alliance. I think we can avert the civil war. He has promised us help for raising our allies. We are going to unite the country and fight this Blight, Teagan. We even found another Grey Warden."

At the mention of Loghain his face changed. "So your plan worked?"

I nodded knowing what he was probably feeling, but he asked me not to tell him, so I wouldn't. "What news do you have, Teagan?" I shifted the focus to him.

"Nothing has changed between my brother and me. We haven't really spoken since shortly after you left. I'm sure he still plans to oppose Loghain at the Landsmeet. He is going to propose Alistair for the throne."

I sighed. "But Alistair wouldn't accept. Why does he persist?"

Teagan shrugged. "I think he believes he can talk Alistair into it."

Something nagged at me, but I couldn't quite put my finger on it. Why would Eamon believe he could succeed? I wanted to think about it more, but Teagan was pulling me by the hand. "Come on," he said. "Let's go see what there is to eat in the kitchen. I know you're always hungry." He was smiling at me again. Maybe he had been able to put Loghain behind him already.

We had a meal; well, I did. Teagan had a snack. A bottle of wine washed it down and Teagan produced a sweet confection for me; a treat made of marzipan, caramel and candied pecans. He insisted on feeding it to me himself and kissing the residue off my lips afterward.

He leaned over and whispered to me, "I want you, Lucy."

I smiled at him and kissed him. "You realize that things are a little more complicated than they were before?"

He nodded. "They're always complicated with you. I've come to accept that."

"Only until after the Blight." My face became more serious. "I think ending the Blight will make everything much simpler." Because I'll be dead, I thought. I brought Teagan's head to mine and kissed him. He pulled me by the hand and we walked up the stairs to his room together.

Happy now, Danny? Abigail sent me a very dirty look and the 'W' got even bigger. Shut up, bitch, I told her.

~o~o~o~

Note: Sorry for all the sturm und drang, aka angst. I should not write when listening to Barber's Adagio for Strings. Coming up, the drama gets more angsty... then better... then worse... then it levels off some... The scarlet letter becomes utterly enormous, and they use it to suffocate the archdemon. Gosh! I just gave away the entire plot. Oops.

Thank you all for the reviews! I love it that some of you see Loghain in a different light now. Some of us always knew the man was complicated, right Arsinoe? :)

Thanks for de-crufting my stuff, Biff!