Disclaimer: I do not own The Melancholy of Haruhi Suzumiya or any of its characters. I also do not own any of the materials referenced in this story either. This was made for entertainment purposes only and not for profit. So there you go.
A/N: In order to celebrate the North American release of Mario and Luigi: Bowser's Inside Story, I decided to make this. It was originally going to be posted on the 14th, but due to some circumstances, I decided to post it now. You probably won't understand any of this unless you've read about the plot on wiki or know the characters, but read it anyways. It's split into two parts since it seemed a little too long. Come on and let me know what you think. I know you want to... you... you...
FINK-RATS!!!
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Part One: The Fury of Haruhi Suzumiya:
"Where we going, Haruhi?" Kyon asked for the fifth time in a row, much to Haruhi's irritation.
"I told you already! I saw these really weird... thingies in the park. Now hurry up, guys! I f we take too long to get there, we might miss them!" replied Haruhi, dragging Kyon by the arm, while Mikuru, Yuki, and Itsuki trailed behind like ducklings.
"Thingies, Haruhi? " Kyon brought up. He didn't know what the hell Haruhi was doing. All he remembered was relaxing at his house when Haruhi called him on his phone. She'd wanted him to arrive at their usual hangout near their school for meeting of some sort. Kyon didn't know what the get-together was about; Haruhi had been yelling so loudly that he could only make out a few specific words. Now here he was, being pulled towards an unknown destination with an insane girl, an alien, an esper, and a time-traveler.
"Yes, Kyon! Thingies! I don't know what they are! They might be aliens or demons... Maybe even mutants from the sewer! But anyways, I was in the park earlier handing out flyers to spread word about the SOS Brigade. You know, just trying to drum up public attention and all that. That's when I spotted them loitering behind those trees that form a shady grove at the end of the park. The perfect spot to hide their sinister activities! Why didn't I think of it before! And coming out in broad daylight of all times!" Haruhi explained dramatically. She didn't see the worried looks her underlings exchanged with one another.
The SOS leader directed her entourage into the empty park. Soon they were past the playground, restrooms, picnic tables, and anyplace where people would gather. The five teens were now standing amongst shade of the dropping trees. The branches hung low and weeds choked the now-yellowing grass. It was the sort of place in the parks of today's society where rapists and child-molesters would hide. Quite lovely in the afternoon sunlight, actually.
Haruhi released her grip on Kyon's arm and gave them all the 'shh' sign with her fingers. She then began to peer around the nearest tree trunk as if expecting invisible enemies to come jumping out. Kyon took this opportunity to move closer to Yuki.
"Hey, Nagato," whispered Kyon, "Is there really something hiding around here?"
Yuki stared at Kyon for a bit before nodding. "Yes. I am sensing the presence of two sentient beings somewhere in the immediate vicinity. However, I am unable to detect what the truly are. They don't appear to be products of Miss Suzumiya's, though."
So even Nagato doesn't know what we're up against. Terrific... Wait a minute... Not a product of Haruhi's? Then what the hell is out here? Kyon thought to himself. He turned to face Mikuru and Itsuki; the former was fidgeting in fear from every shadow she saw, while the latter gave him a painted-on smile. Kyon suddenly felt very unsafe. What if whatever was out here was dangerous? Yuki would be the only one capable of defending them, and she couldn't do that if Haruhi was sticking around.
"Nagato," Kyon said to his alien companion, "What did you mean by when you said, 'Not a product of Har-'"
"Guys, I found them!" interrupted Haruhi, who grabbed Kyon by the arm again and began to lead him towards the tree she was just inspecting. The four Brigade members were quickly ushered by their leader to its trunk, where Haruhi shushed them all again. She pointed behind the tree eagerly. Kyon, wanting to get this nonsense over with, looked over first.
He nearly lost control of his bladder.
Standing about fifteen feet away from the Brigade's hiding place, under the shade of two bent sakura trees, were two...... thingies like Haruhi had said. The first one had its back to them and seemed to be the one in charge, since it was the one giving some instructions to its companion. This was supported by the fact that it was waving around its tiny arms in grand and ridiculous gestures. It looked like what Kyon would consider to be an old-fashioned alien. It's skin was pea-green and it was completely bald except for a single black hair rising from its head. Its clothing consisted of a long red robe that was lined with gold trim that covered its entire body. Completing the Stars-Wars-villain look was a huge collar that cascaded down from behind. The most important characteristic of the humanoid was its stature; it seemed about as tall as Imouto.
But the being's friend is what drew Kyon's attention. It was looked less like an alien, and more like a monster that Godzilla would tangle with. It was bipedal, with the body of a dragon, the face of a wild pig, and a yellow armadillo-like shell covering its back. Two black horns stuck out its head, set above two mean-looking eyes, and a series of black dorsal spines ran down its back. It was as if a mad scientist had taken several animals, thrown them into a blender, and mixed the parts together. Two spiked collars adorned its wrists and its hands were the size of cinderblocks. The beast was five times the size of the first creature and twice as wide-its entire body was plump, but its arms rippled with muscle. Oh, and its skin was colored in a hot pink (except for its stomach, which was much paler).
The twosome were talking to one another; obviously unaware they were being spied on. Right next to them were six cardboard boxes scattered haphazardly on the ground. They contained something, but were sealed up with tape.
Kyon pulled away from the odd sight, fear etched onto his face. Itsuki, Yuki, and Mikuru glanced over to see what had startled him. Each of peeked for about six seconds, before pulling back. Mikuru looked like she wanted to burrow into the earth and pull the hole in after her, Itsuki had a 'WTF' look on his face, while Yuki wore her patented 'nobody's home' look. Kyon could tell what they were all thinking. The pig-lizard looked quite strong and probably wouldn't take too kindly to being spied on. If it smelled them...
"Well?" Haruhi said in a voice much too loud for Kyon's comfort. "Did you see the-HMMPF!!!"
Kyon kept his hand clamped over his Brigade chief's mouth in order to avoid detection. "Yes, Haruhi. I saw them. You were right. Now let's get the hell out of here before they eat us." A second later, Haruhi's teeth clamp down on Kyon's fingers.
"Ow!"
"What's your problem?"
"You just bit me!"
"And for good reason!"
Kyon nursed his nibbled digits in his other hand, while glaring daggers at the Ultra Director. "Haruhi, you don't know what those things are! They might freak out and try to, well I don't know... kill us! We should get out of here and call the police or something."
Haruhi scoffed. "Yeah, right! The police never do anything! Name one movie where they believed the kids!"
Kyon remained silent. She has me there... he thought to himself.
Satisfied with her small victory, Haruhi turned to face her three supernatural friends.
"Well, guys?" said Haruhi. "Shall we go up to them and establish contact?"
Mikuru suddenly developed a sudden interest in tying her shoes, while Itsuki ran some fingers through his hair, sheepishly. Yuki just sort of stared into space.
"Maybe, Kyon is right, Miss Suzumiya," said Itsuki looking somewhat nervous. "Perhaps we should seek out some hel-"
"I can't believe you, you chickens!" accused Haruhi. "Fine! If you're going to bail out on me, then I'll just have to make contact on my own!"
And then she walked right out from behind the tree, and headed straight towards the duo.
Kyon muttered a rather choice word and before he knew it, he and everyone else was bolting after the crazed goddess. Unfortunately, Haruhi was close to actually say something. And she did.
"Greeting, friends!"
The short one stopped in the middle of whatever it had been saying, and slowly turned to face them, revealing its face. Haruhi, Kyon, Mikuru, Yuki, and Itsuki became simultaneously disturbed. The thing's face was slightly human, but without any visible nostrils. Its eyes were completely hidden behind a pair of giant, blue, coke-bottle glasses with white swirls inside each lens. Making up the majority of its face was an enormous, lipless, creepy grin shaped like a crescent moon. Each of its pearly-white teeth was perfectly square and devoid of plaque. It was the kind of mouth you'd see in the 'after' shot of a toothpaste commercial. But the moment it saw them, its grin turned upside down. Now it was a frown.
"What is the purpose of this?! Fawful is the one who does the sneaking! But now, Fawful finds himself the sneakee instead of the sneaker! Who are you, you sneakers of sneakiness?" the thing (Fawful) demanded in a high-pitched voice that sounded like a kindergartener. It was now obvious to Haruhi and the others that the being was male.
Puzzled by the bizarre words directed at them, Haruhi cleared her throat and spoke. "We are the SOS Brigade! My name is Haruhi Suzumiya! This is Mikuru Asahina, Yuki Nagato, and Itsuki Koizumi. Oh! Almost forgot! That's Kyon. We were watching you guys and-"
Fawful tilted his head to the side before quickly turning to the pig monster beside him. "Did you hear that, Midbus? They are a Brigade! Lawmakers! Goodie-goodies! Fink-rats! Our plans have been found out! Our picnic of evil has been interrupted by the ants of truth and justice before the red and white blanket of my scheme was laid out!"
The pig, Midbus (also male), snorted. "Shall I pummel them, Lord Fawful?" he mumbled in a low voice that deeply contrasted with his appearance.
Fawful grinned wickedly. "Yes... A pummeling is needed! Yes, yes! Pummel them! Hurt their faces! Make them taste the bitterness of the lemon that is your fist!"
Kyon wiped the bewildered look off his face. Behind him Yuki, Mikuru, and Itsuki were doing the same. Despite the obvious speech impediment of the petite weirdo, it was clear that he meant to do them harm.
Haruhi eyes grew wide as Midbus advanced on them while clenching his colossal fists. "Wait a second! We're not trying to capture you or anything!"
Midbus stopped a few feet away from Haruhi as if he were sizing her up. Then he reached behind his back and pulled something out with his right hand. His giant fist covered the majority of the object's identity, but the teens could see that it possessed a yellow tube-like opening. The boar-like beast rose its fist in front of its face and pointed the tube at Haruhi. Fawful started to jeer.
"Yes, Midbus! Use the secret weapon I gave you! Unleash the cruel fudge of the ice-cream sundae that is your anger!"
Kyon's heart fell into his stomach. Oh my god! He's going to shoot Haruhi with some kind of gun! Do something, Nagato!
But surprisingly, it was Kyon who acted first. Kyon's body ignored his brain's wish to stay out of harm's way, and was now rushing to Haruhi's side. He then grabbed her around the waist and swung her out of harm's way. Now Midbus was pointing the weapon at him.
"You save girl. You risk your own life. You very brave," monotoned Midbus. Kyon almost felt better. Was this act of self-sacrifice enough to convince the fiend to spare him? It seemed Kyon would live.
Then Midbus grinned and revealed a mouthful of crocodilian teeth. Kyon's happiness plummeted like a meteor.
"But you are very stupid. Now you taste the pain instead. SUPER-DUPER-MEGA-GRAND-SCARY-PROJECTILE-OF-PAIN!!!" he roared suddenly like a car alarm. He blew into his hand and the weapon fired at Kyon. Kyon threw up his hands as a shield, but wasn't fast enough. He awaited his death...
Doink!
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!! MY FREAKING EYE!!!" howled Kyon as he was hit in the eye with a lima bean. Midbus's so-called weapon was in fact a peat-shooter. Kyon's friends didn't know whether to throw their arms around him and express their thanks that he was alive or starting giggling insanely.
Fawful ,however, burst into full-blown laughter. "EYA HA HA HA HA HA!!! I HAVE HILARITY!!! You wear humiliation on your face like an egg! An egg laid by the chicken of embarrassment! EYA HA HA HA HA- URRRGGGH!!"
That ' URRRGGGH!!' came from Haruhi successfully nailing the caped madman with a small pebble to the forehead. She crossed her arms over her chest and glared.
"How dare you assault my loyal minion! We were just trying to talk to you and attacked us just like that! Now that I know that you're evil, I won't let you get away with whatever you're planning, Shorty!" shouted Haruhi, marching past Midbus and towards Fawful. The tiny villain stopped rubbing his forehead and looked up to see an angry girl approaching him. He narrowed his eyes from behind the glasses.
"Arrrrgggghhh! You strike my head like a nail struck by a hammer who is angry! Now I am angry! I HAVE FURY!" And with that quip, Fawful opened up the cloak he was wearing. Now Kyon could see that Fawful's body was covered in a black and blue jumpsuit that was outfitted by a belt. Said belt was covered in a veritable hodge-podge of gadgets that would make Batman green with envy. He snatched up a purple gun with green stripes that looked like a plastic toy and held it up. Haruhi immediately backed away.
Kyon and the others blanched. Haruhi could either run or duck, but something in Kyon's mind told him that Fawful's gun had a never-miss technology built into it or that he was probably a good shot.
"Do something, Nagato!" Kyon yelled at the bookworm. Yuki nodded and began to chant a spell. Midbus noticed this and attacked.... by shooting a mung bean at her eye.
"Muh huh huh," Midbus laughed dully.
"Ow," said Yuki, her chant broken off.
"Excellent, Midbus! Now snack on the delicious cake that is my wrath, Haroo-hee! And the milk that is your doom! Delicious doom! Fink-rat!" crowed Fawful while he adjusted the gun's aim. Haruhi blinked a few times.
"It's HARUHI!!! And why the hell do you sound like a combination of Yoda and Jim Carrey?!"
"Oh, will you hurry with the shutting of up?!"
"What?"
"Grrrrrrrrrrrr!"
And to Kyon's horror, Fawful fired.
ZAP!
"AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!"
"Haruhi!"
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A/N: Hey, everyone! I just made a cliff-hanger! My very first one! I'm so happy!
Will Haruhi survive Fawful's laser?
What are two Nintendo villains doing in Japan?
What's in those boxes?
Will Kyon's eye heal?
Will Yuki kick ass?
Is Itsuki straight?
Will Mikuru stop being useless?
Will I stop asking random questions?
Tune in next time! .......Oh, yeah the Haruhi's fetish chapter will be done after this so, yay.
Review Haruhi-worshippers! Your yellow ribbon-wearing goddess demands it!