A/N: SPOV
A/N #2: Usually, my co-author and I have planned out the big plot points in our role play. This one I knew I had set up myself (by leaving the contract out to see), but didn't give her any suggestion/advice on where to take it. This was probably one of the first times I was taken entirely by surprise. It makes for a great role-playing dynamic, still being able to communicate and to keep a story going in the same direction, while also getting the occasional surprise. -DaniSnape
Severus had, in that pregnant moment, wondered if he had asked too much of her.
Is that why she's taking so long to reply? Perhaps she feels compelled to confide in someone about this? Does she wish to be sexually submissive to Lupin as well?
He blinked ever so slowly, throwing all of those doubtful thoughts out of his mind. He hadn't made any unreasonable request.
When she did respond, the words she had uttered were the one thing he wasn't expecting from her. It was the single topic that he didn't want to have to speak about.
"Was that the arrangement between you and Lily Evans? That James wouldn't know?"
Severus felt his face close down. It was his only Achilles' Heel.
He knew that she deserved a response, and to know what had happened. He wanted to explain that what had occurred was a private matter, and none of James' business. It would have been simple enough to state that they were secretly an item for the longest time before the Potter boy had become anything close to resembling decent enough for Lily to date.
Even then, Severus believed that Lily only went out with James in the first place out of a sense of blackmail from her friends. He recalled overhearing how Lily had to deny any feelings for 'that greasy slytherin git' to her friends because he had been friends with Mulciber.
His wanting to fit in and seek protection from harassment from James, Sirius, and Remus had slowly pushed him into a circle of allies that turned out to be the wedge that drove him and Lily apart. Though it was his own words which proved to be the final nail to even a friendship, when he had called her a Mudblood. He had received the broken collar by owl that very evening, ending their arrangement.
How do you tell someone you've found yourself attracted to that you're still in love with a dead woman, gone and buried for over a fifteen years now? You don't, and you're just going to get yourself hurt again.
Severus realized why he left the contract and the broken collar in his desk. So that he could stop himself from being in a situation where he'd have to face that again.
Nymphadora looked at him, expecting a response. His face had gone as neutral as he could possibly get it, yet he was unable to blink away the tears forming in his eyes.
"This was a mistake. I should have never..." He began, attempting to extricate himself as he was already feeling buried in the past.
Severus was torn, he had wanted to chuck her out as soon as he had heard her question, yet he also wanted her to not leave his side. He felt raw and vulnerable in a way that he hadn't in decades.
"Severus." The way that she had said his name felt like a stab into his heart, the betrayal of the girl he loved was sharp and evident.
He paused, and took a breath to consider his options. Open up to her or stay miserable, Sev. If she hurts you by knowing this, at least you'll know that you gave yourself one more chance.
"The history between myself and Lily is... private. And such a relationship between a Gryffindor and a Slytherin was unheard of at that time. My friendship with her alone was the fuel for much gossip." His jaw was clenched and unsure if he should carry on.
"This cannot be repeated to anyone for any circumstance. Lily and I weren't running around having assignations behind James Potter's back. We had been lovers since the summer after our OWL examinations and she consented to be my collared submissive during our final year at Hogwarts. Each of us had been pressured by our own set of friends to dissolve our friendship with each other, and certain events unfolded to the termination of..." his voice was hoarse, as if he were unable to bring himself to say it.
"We were over before she began dating him." Severus turned his head away from Nymphadora as a tear leaked out of the corner of his eye. Whomever thought that confession was good for the soul was a pillock.