Kyoya carefully navigated the stairs in his room, his head spinning more than a little. He'd started off the evening determined to drink only in moderation, but he had a suspicion the twins had been messing with his drinks. At a certain point, he threw caution to the wind and just drank whatever was put in front of him, a decision he was determined to blame on the alcohol already imbibed.
After eating dinner in the main room of a trendy restaurant Kyoya wasn't familiar with, the six original Host Club members had retired to a private back room. The twins proceeded to devise some sort of complicated penalty game that involved taking shots as punishment. Kyoya wasn't sure whether the rules had not been fully articulated or whether the twins kept changing them, but either way he seemed to be the one doing most of the drinking. Huni and Tamaki had spent the last hour pontificating about how to have a good marriage.
"Always … no, no … Never … forget to kiss her goodnight," Tamaki said solemnly. "That's important."
"Milord, you're not even married yet yourself," Hikaru pointed out, placing another shot in front of Tamaki.
Tamaki gazed soulfully at the small glass in front of him. "But it's like I'm married," he explained. "Haruhi and I have been together for so long it's like we're married, so I can give advice, too."
Huni laughed. "Tama-chan, you and Haruhi don't even live together."
"But it's like we live together. That's how much we love each other."
"Man up and take your shot," Hikaru advised.
"You're lucky we don't tack on an additional penalty," Kaoru added.
"Kyoya, the thing you need to remember about marriage is that there are good years and bad years," Huni said.
"Bad years?" Tamaki asked nervously.
"Yep! That's what my father told me the night before Reiko and I got married!" Huni said cheerfully. "I mean, Reiko and I have only had good years. But we're probably the exception!"
"Mitskuni, you've only been married for three years," Mori pointed out.
"But they've been three really good years!" Huni laughed. "Now Kyoya, the other thing you need to remember about marriage is never to go to bed angry, okay?"
"I think we figured that one out after recent events," Kyoya said cautiously.
"Penalty shot!" The twins gleefully chorused. Hikaru filled up another shot glass and placed it in front of Kyoya. He stifled a groan and took the shot. His head was already swimming.
Mori leaned over him. "They're too drunk to notice, but I switched out the vodka in this last bottle for water."
Kyoya blinked up at him. "I had no idea you could get drunk from water."
Mori looked at Tamaki.
"Okay, everyone. It's one in the morning. I think it's time for Daddy to get Mommy home," Tamaki announced.
"Tamaki, don't you think that's starting to get a little creepy?" Kyoya asked.
"Penalty shot!" the twins interjected.
"After all, in under three months you and I are both going to be married. To other people. Not to each other, thank god. So maybe you shouldn't call me Mommy anymore."
"Penalty!" Kaoru added a second shot glass to the first, and Kyoya drank them both in quick succession.
"I'll stop calling you Mommy when Haruhi becomes a mommy. That way it won't be confusing," Tamaki said, pre-empting the twins and taking a shot on his own. He stared at the glass for a second. "Is it just me, or is something strange about this vodka?"
"Party's over," Mori said quickly.
In the car, Kyoya turned to Tamaki. "I need to thank you."
Tamaki smiled. "Thank the twins; they're the one who planned this whole evening."
"Oh trust me, I'll thank them. When they least expect it, I will thank them profusely for forcing me to come tonight. I will thank them so thoroughly that even the thought of making me drink another shot will haunt the nightmares of their children and their children's children."
"Kyoya, you're scaring me," Tamaki tried not to laugh.
"No, I want to thank you for Laney. Because without you, none of this would be happening." Kyoya said more seriously.
"I told you, there's no need to thank me for that. I'm your best friend; that's my job."
"But that's what I mean!" Kyoya said passionately. "Look, I know I give you a hard time, but do you have any idea what you actually mean to me?"
"Okay, Kyoya, now you're really starting to scare me."
"Shut up. I think the twins spiked my drink, and this is probably the only time I will ever be drunk enough to actually say any of this. If it wasn't for you, for our friendship, I don't think I ever would have become the type of man who would have allowed himself to fall in love with Laney. I don't think she would have fallen in love with me, with who I was before we met."
"Well, you were 13 before we met. So, you're right—she probably wouldn't have."
"Tamaki, you made me a better person."
Tamaki smiled. "You were always a better person. I just gave you an excuse to stop hiding that from yourself."
"I love you, you know? You're like a brother to me. Except better, because my brothers are actually kind of assholes. And you're not. I mean, you are an ass at least 50% of the time, but you are hands down the best man I've ever known." Kyoya closed his eyes. "I think the twins spiked my drink."
Tamaki pulled him into a hug. "If I could pick a brother, it would be you. I love you too."
"Get off," Kyoya shoved Tamaki away, grinning broadly.
Now he was back home, trying not to wake up Laney as he undressed. He stumbled against the bed, wincing at the sudden sharp pain in his shin. "Damn it," he swore, in what he thought was a whisper.
"Baby, why don't you just turn a light on?" a sleepy voice came from the bed.
"Because I don't want to wake you up," Kyoya explained.
Laney sat up and flipped the light switch next to her side of the bed. She stared at Kyoya. "You are shitfaced," she said.
"It is not my fault. Hikaru and Kaoru are the actual spawn of the devil."
"Mmm." Laney walked into the bathroom and returned with a glass of water. "Drink."
Kyoya complied. Laney helped him out of his clothes and into a clean pair of boxers, then made him drink another glass of water before finally letting him collapse on the bed.
"You are so, so, so incredibly beautiful," Kyoya said, holding her close. "I love you so much. You're kind, and brilliant, and funny, and I don't know anyone else who could stand up to my family like you do. You're amazing."
"Aren't I just?" Laney smiled. "By the way, speaking of family. Your dad and I had a little chat tonight."
"A chat? What about?" Kyoya asked, bristling. If his father had insulted Laney, he was going to kill him.
"Speculative post-apocalyptic fiction and the eternal nature of love," Laney replied.
"I am really, really drunk. Because it sounded like you said speculative post-aplopa ... post-apolalytic fiction, which, yes, my father can be appalling. But love? The nature of love? My father doesn't think about love."
"I'm pretty sure I gave him something to think about tonight." Laney's voice was smug.
Kyoya pulled her tighter and kissed her forehead, running his hands down her body. "You are so beautiful."
"You mentioned that," Laney said, her tone not overly encouraging.
"I just never thought I'd ever fall in love like this. I never thought I'd be so … consumed by another person. Laney, you are my everything."
"Kyoya, you are my dearest love and the light of my heart." Laney looked at him tenderly. "But it is two in the goddamn morning. Go. To. Sleep."
Author Note: Thank you so much to PlumChutney, mutemuia and No-Time Lord for the reviews, and to PlumChutney, adastra12, and januarysunshine13 for the favorites. You guys are incredible, seriously. So this whole shebang is rapidly drawing to a close. I think there's probably just a couple chapters left, and you're going to have to wait until next week for them. I'm heading out to the woods with my best boy for a couple days, and then I shall be completely and utterly consumed by seder preparations. Chag Pesach Sameach, y'all! And Happy Easter or any other spring holiday to everyone who isn't an MOT. :) Enjoy eating your Easter chocolate while I'm sitting over here with my bitter herbs.
Also, let me know if you spot the "Real Genius" reference. ;)