Sorry for the wait between chapters, but this one is longer than normal to make up for it. I had planned to just dive into the action and the lead-up to the final showdown, but this is one of those chapters that ended up writing itself, so I think of it as something of an extra chapter.

Enjoy!

Jay X

As If I Was Human

Chapter Thirty Five - Blinding Rage

The sweat poured down Carter's face as she furiously pummelled the punch bag suspended in front of her. The past three weeks had been spent in a similar fashion; Carter would untangle herself from Clint before he awoke, burying herself in ancient files and information about N-GES until her head felt like it would burst. She'd then expel her frustrations on the gym equipment, waiting for the night to fall so she could hide in her dreams, asleep before Clint could even ask how she was.

Her team mates worried for her, suspecting the source of her misery to be Harmon Monroe, the mastermind behind N-GES, and cause of all her suffering. They were wrong.

Carter was angry at herself. Right now, she hated herself. Despite her natural strength, S.H.I.E.L.D.'s training, and all the preparation she had undergone, Monroe had still gotten the best of her. He had made her fight her mother, made her hate her mother, and then he allowed the fog to clear for just a moment, Carter and Melody reunited, then simply tore them apart.

Worst of all, he had made her hurt her friends.

She couldn't remember much of it, little snatches of imagery would come back to her every now and then. She could hear the pleading voices, imploring her not to fight them. She could feel the blade at her temple, the blood stinging her eyes. But she couldn't see anything but the hazy red mist blocking her path.

They had forgiven her, refusing to hold it against her. Even Clint had forgiven her, believing her to be blame free for his death, but Carter didn't feel the same. The one person she loved more than anything had been killed before her eyes, because she loved him. He was safe now, alive and well, and happy to have his girlfriend back, but Carter hadn't forgotten the weight of his lifeless body, the cold pallor of his lips as death took him away. She never would.

If she had been stronger, none of it would have happened. She would have been able to face her mother fearlessly, she would have protected Clint, and most of all, she wouldn't have succumbed to Monroe and his stupid control chip!

With a loud grunt and one last punch, Carter dropped to her knees, panting heavily as the punch bag split, sand spilling onto the ground.

"Dammit," she hissed, head bowed as she studied the friction burns on her knuckles. They'd heal soon enough, but it meant she was done for tonight. In her anger, worse today than ever before, she had neglected to bandage her hands, and was now paying the price.

"Tired?" Carter shook her head, not bothering to look up as Director Fury approached her.

"No, sir," she muttered, swinging her legs out from under her, sitting Indian style on the cold floor.

"It's time we had a talk, Agent Thomas," Fury stated, coming to a halt in front of her. Carter shrugged, finally deigning to look up at him.

"I'm not one for an agony aunt, boss," she replied coolly, clambering to her feet to turn her back on Fury, heading to the table were a row of bottles stood. "If you want to talk, it better be business." Fury chuckled quietly. Over the past few weeks he had noticed Carter's usual chirpy demeanour turn sour, leaving her snappy and easily riled. Agent Barton had been pestering him to intervene, only now did he find the time to.

"It is business, as a matter of fact," Fury spoke, his expression sobering. Carter rolled her eyes, popping the cap from a bottle of water, downing half the contents in one.

"Forgive me if I don't quite believe you," she drawled, turning back to face the Director. "I'm not an idiot, Fury, I know everyone's talking about me."

"Only because you're refusing to talk to anyone at all," Fury informed her briskly, clasping his hands behind his back. "Even Agent Barton."

"Clint and I are none of your business," Carter snapped, slamming both hands down on the table in a temper.

"On the contrary, Agent Thomas," Fury rebutted, unmoved by Carter's anger. "You both work for S.H.I.E.L.D. and are currently in the midst of a very dangerous situation. When we locate Melody and Monroe we want you able to fight rationally, and more importantly, as part of a team. In your current mood, I don't see that happening."

"You don't see much with only one eye," Carter spat back. Fury raised an eyebrow. It was a low blow, they both knew it, but Carter was far too enraged to apologise.

"I see all I need to, Agent Thomas," Fury replied softly. "And I see your anger makes you unreliable and biased in this matter. Until you sort out your issues, your status as 'Agent' is hereby revoked-"

"What?!"

"-and you will be off the team bringing in Monroe," Fury finished, easily ignoring Carter's outburst.

"You can't do this!" Carter yelled, slamming her hands on the tabletop once more. The sheer force caused the table to snap in half, it's contents tumbling to the floor in a rush. Carter let out an angry scream, kicking the remnants of the table away from her. Fury merely watched, unamused. "This is my life you're talking about, and you're saying I'm not to be a part of it!"

"Monroe is a serious threat," Fury explained emotionlessly. "S.H.I.E.L.D. cannot risk your instability with dealing with this matter. Sort yourself out, Carter, then we'll talk."

Carter was left dumbfounded, eyes stinging with angry tears as Fury walked away. Breathing heavily, eyes closed, she tried to will them away, but it only made it worse, causing them to spill out over her cheeks. She shook her head blindly, fists clenching as she desperately attempted to reel in her emotions.

"This can't be happening," she whispered to herself, shaking from pure unfiltered rage. Fury's words swam round and round her head, until it was more than she could take. "NO!" She screamed.

The fury inside her suddenly reached boiling point, and with an unearthly shriek, Carter's hands flew out in front of her. Blinding light burst from her fists, striking the punch bag. Carter's eyes snapped shut, sand flying in all directions as the punch bag exploded, sending debris everywhere.

"Fuck," she breathed, doubling over as the last grain fell, panting heavily again. "What the hell was that?!"

She had no idea. The energy had poured out from her core, ruthlessly destroying it's target. She had no control of it, it happened almost against her will, no intention of her own behind it.

But…now that it had happened…Carter felt lighter somehow. As if all the hate and anger burning inside her had been expelled. For the first time in weeks, her lungs could hold a full breath, and she felt the ghost of a smile creeping across her face.

"Heh," she chuckled, shaking her head, straightening back up. "That's much better."

"Hey."

Bruce looked up in surprise, Carter entering the lab. She was covered in sweat and grime, her sodden clothes sticking to her, but she was smiling.

"Hey," he replied, lowering his glasses from his face, smiling in return. "It's good to see you looking happy again." Carter grinned.

"Thanks," she said, walking over to his work place and taking a seat. "It's a recent development. I wanted to ask you something…kinda personal."

"Oh?" Bruce frowned, praying he wasn't about to be required to answer some embarrassing questions. "What's wrong?"

"You know when you…um, 'hulk out'," Carter began hesitantly, making quotation marks with her fingers. "The anger and stuff…does it vanish after?" Bruce's eyebrows furrowed together in confusion.

"What do you mean?" He asked. Carter tilted her head back, looking up at the ceiling as she tried to frame her words.

"Like…all the anger that builds up, that turns you into the Hulk," she said. "Once you revert back to Bruce, is it still there? Do you still feel angry, or have you, kind of, gotten it all out?"

"Ah," Bruce nodded, understanding her question. "Well, sort of, I guess," he explained carefully. "I mean, my temper is always simmering under the surface, but if something causes it to spike, and I…change, my rage has usually abated by the time I go back to normal." Bruce paused, Carter pursing her lips in thought. "Why do you ask?"

"Well," she sighed, running a hand through her hair. "The past few weeks I've been getting more and more frustrated and pissed off…then Fury came to see me today and revoked my Agent status-

"He what?!" Bruce interrupted, shouting. Carter simply shook her head.

"I'm gonna go talk to him in a minute," she assured Bruce. "But, once he left, the anger just burst to the surface and I…I kind of destroyed a punch bag…like blew it up. This blast of energy just came surging out of my hands and incinerated it! I don't even know how I did it! But afterwards, straight away, I just felt calmer…as if all the rage bubbling inside me got siphoned away with the blast."

"And you thought of me," Bruce stated more than asked, smiling gently. "I think I understand. The static electricity in your blood is always there, Tony's suit just harnesses it and draws it to the surface, but due to your anger and frustrations the static must have been charging itself up. The more powerful it got, the angrier you became, until you let your temper out, discharging the electricity at the same time."

"Uh huh," Carter mused, tapping her chin in thought. "I think I get it…a bit like a vicious cycle; I got angry, it charged up, it charged up and made me angry."

"Yeah," Bruce agreed, slipping his glasses back onto his face. "I actually wrote a theory on emotions triggering the static in your blood in my initial report for Fury…chances are he hoped to enrage you on purpose and cause the discharge."

"Man," Carter swore, snapping her fingers. "He's always one step ahead of me, isn't he?"

"It's what makes him so good at what he does," Bruce concurred with a shrug. "You gonna go see him now?" He asked, watching as Carter rose to her feet.

"Yeah," she murmured, frowning. "May as well see if I can get my job back."

"Good luck," Bruce laughed. Carter jokingly threw him a scowl, flipping him off with both hands as she exited the lab.

A few hours later, a freshly showered and rehired Agent Thomas made her way down to the shooting range, hoping to find Clint. Now that she was no longer blinded by her ire, Carter planned to apologise to her boyfriend, guilt ridden by her recent avoidance of him.

The gun range was silent, save for the soft whoosh of an arrow flying through the air, and the following thud of it hitting it's target. Clint stood alone, loosing arrow after arrow, skewering every target with perfect precision.

"You're pretty good at that," Carter said quietly, knowing he'd hear her. Clint paused, lowering his bow as he turned to face her.

"You're talking to me now, then?" He said, his tone colder than Carter was used to. She knew she deserved it though.

"I'm sorry," she replied, her eyes full of sadness. "I've been shutting you out, and I shouldn't have. I've not been dealing with the situation very well."

"What situation?" Clint asked, returning to his target practice. Carter stepped closer, raising her voice over the sound of his shooting.

"Monroe and my mother got away," she said, fists clenching at her side. "And there's no telling where they could be. I might never see her again. It just…infuriated me. I got so dragged down in all my emotions that I couldn't even acknowledge what they were. So I pushed you away. I really am sorry, Clint."

"I love you, Carter," Clint stated, his voice still distant. "I would die for you. I did die for you. Don't you think I would want to help you deal with everything you're going through?"

"I didn't want you to," Carter replied sadly, shaking her head. "You're right, you did die for me. How am I supposed to live with that?! I don't want it to ever happen again; I might not be able to save you next time!"

"That doesn't matter-"

"It does to me!" Carter shouted, tears prickling her eyes. "I don't want you to die for me, Clint! I want you to be safe!"

"And I want you to be safe," Clint said, lowering his bow again. He turned to Carter, his eyes firm. "But pushing me away won't keep either of us safe, Carter. We'll protect each other, together."

"Together," Carter agreed, nodding her head as she took a deep breath. "I realise that now. I can't change what happened, but when we find Monroe, we face him together." She smiled at Clint. "I promise."