My Beautiful Disaster.
Chapter Thirty-Four.
She sat across the room, her hot mug of coffee circled in between her two hands, her fingers spaced evenly along the shiny looking surface. She could feel the heat beating through her fingers, running along the sides of her nerves, until it became too hot for her skin to handle, and she had to release her grip. Her bare feet rested on the edge of the wooden stool. At first touch, it had been too cold, and she's ripped her feet away from the rest. She'd banged her toe against the table leg, but the pain had numbed and began to ease. She pressed her hands back onto the cup, ignoring the annoying rubbing sensation that was created by the edges of her dressing gown on her wrists. All she could do was look forward, staring at the fridge door.
This wasn't the first time she'd woken up in the middle of the night. If happened almost every night, with the exceptions of the late night dance meetings. On those nights she would be so shattered that she could fall into bed with her clothes on and not wake until the late hours of the morning. Those nights, her mind was so full of other details that she couldn't think of anything else. But nights like last night, when she found herself alone and silence surrounded her, her mind gave in and thoughts clouded her. Her would go to bed, only falling asleep a few hours later, to be woken before six. She would throw in her dressing gown, walk through to the kitchen, and make herself coffee. Then she'd sit on the same wooden stool at the same kitchen table, and stare. Just like she was now.
That little card haunted her. His name swirled around every crevice of her brain. The numbers never blurred. She had memorised then by heart. Repeated and repeated over and over again, she could remember them clearly. Yet she'd never called. She doubted she would ever call.
She wasn't playing hard to get, or any game for that matter. James had built a wall up, brick by brick, and she'd told herself she'd never rely on a guy again. She has steered clear of relationships for a few years now, the occasional one night stand being the only time she let off steam. But something about Emmett, something in her aura, made her feel like he didn't just want a fling with her. He wanted it all. And that scared her.
He'd probably have forgotten about her now. He'd have realised that she wasn't going to call after the first few days. It had been a few weeks now. He'd have put it behind him and started another search for the woman of his dreams, and she failed to see how he ever could of thought that of her. How could he have looked at Rose and seen that he wanted everything with her. She had tried to keep herself as guarded as possible, but with Emmett he just broke down everything she'd ever tried to hide. Could it have been possible that in those few moments where her shield had been missing that he saw what he wanted in her. No, she told herself, he couldn't have. He'd have forgotten about her now, anyway.
Why did that make her sad?
She had told herself that having him forget her, or her forget him, would make her life easier. It would have done exactly that if she was able to get him out of her head. His image had swam endlessly in her brain for the last few weeks. She'd be cooking dinner and wondered if he liked that type of food. She'd be choreographing a dance and wonder if he would appreciate it as much as he had at her dance show. She would go shopping with Alice and wonder if he would like her in the outfit. She wondered about so many things these days, questioning much more than she used to, and the pinpoint of it all was that it all seemed to surround Emmett McCarthy.
But most of all she wondered if Emmett McCarthy was worth questioning the use of all the walls she had built. Was he the one to pull it all out for? Was he the one that would shatter it into a thousand pieces, but make her feel safer than she had in a long time? And should she call him? She'd been wondering these things for the last few weeks, every time she questioned herself she could never get a straight answer. She just wasn't sure. But she knew she needed more time, to rethink everthing she'd already thought over. She needed to be extra sure before she did anything drastic enough to change her life forever.
She looked to her side, glancing at the phone currently in its stand. It would take approximately six seconds to pick it up and dial - she knew this as she'd done so in many moments of madness. She fingers dared to stretch away from the safety of her cup and skim over the numbers. If only she had the courage to do so, and do it properly. But then what would she say to him? 'Hey, I'm the girl who ran away from you when you wanted me. How you doing?': she doubted how well that would go down. She couldn't call right now anyway. It was considered improper to call at six thirty in the morning. Maybe he was a late sleeper? Maybe he was an early riser? Maybe he went to the gym every morning? So many questions, so little answers.
So she wouldn't call now, and she seriously wondered if she'd ever call at all. She wouldn't try and answer all her questions as her brain was sore from questioning everything all the time. And she wouldn't worry about what today would bring because she was sure she'd find out soon.
For now, she'd just drink her coffee.
-.-.-
That morning, when Jasper woke up, he could feel that something was wrong. He shifted in his bed, trying to get comfy, but the truth was, he never did have a good enough sleep when Alice wasn't there with him. Her warmth and her body so close to his, wrapped in the sheets they shared, was the best way for him to fall into the unknown world of dreams. But when he had woken that morning, he had known that something wasn't right, and he had a feeling it was connected to the woman he loved.
He had tried to call her last night, but to no avail. Her phone had been switched off, and he'd left numerous messages, all unanswered. He had began to worry, fearing her safety, but then he had realised that maybe she had a late shift, or had gone out with either Rose or Bella. If she had been in trouble, he knew she would have called. So he tried not to worry, but he couldn't help fearing the worst.
He glanced over at his alarm clock, bright green numbers telling him it was after ten. He struggled out of bed, throwing off the covers and padding in bare feet over to the bathroom and stepping into the shower. Afterwards he threw on some clothes and wondered into his kitchen, throwing some toast into the toaster for breakfast. He was half way through his meal when the phone began to ring, and the dread in his stomach increased tenfold.
He reached over and picked up the receiver. "Hello?"
"Hey Jasper." Alice's voice sounded subdued. It was so unlike her, and almost sounded like another person. He was so used to her cheerful disposition, that it sounded strange. This only added to his fears, and he immediately knew that his feelings had been right: something was wrong.
He pushed his plate away, leaning his elbows on the table as one hand held the phone tightly to his ear. "Hey now, what's the matter?"
He though he heard a small sob, but he could have been imagining it. She answered him. "Can you come over to mine right now, Jasper. Don't worry, it isn't an emergency, but Edward has some news to share with you and Rose."
"Okay, I'll be there as soon as possible. Are you sure you're okay?" He hated hearing his so unlike herself. She sounded so distressed and lost in her own world.
She sobbed; it hadn't been a figment of his imagination. "I don't want to talk about it over the phone, and it's not me that should tell you anyway. You'll understand when you come over."
This only made Jasper worry more. "Okay. I'll be right there."
She sounded choked. "Thank you. I love you, Jasper."
His heart tightened at her words, and them being said in such a sad tone. "I love you too, Alice. So much. I'm leaving now; I'll be there soon."
He let the phone call end, and quickly threw on his jacket and shoes, grabbing his keys before he exited the house. His ran the few blocks to her house, never stopping for a break. Over his journey he pondered all possibilities of what could have happened. It obviously surrounded Edward completely, but what it could be? He couldn't come up with anything. Whatever it was, it made Alice truly upset, and he didn't want to see her that way. When he thought back over their call, Alice had only mentioned himself and Rose being told, suggesting that Bella wouldn't be kept in the know. What the hell was going on?!
His breathing was heaving by the time he reached Alice's street. In the distance he could see Rose, her step quickening like his own as she neared their home. She saw him approaching, and she waved, running over to him. She gave him a quick hug.
"Hey. Did you get a call from Alice too?" Rose asked.
Jasper nodded. "Yeah. It broke my heart hearing her so upset. Whatever it is, it must be something huge. Alice is usually so upbeat, and nothing phases her. Did she give you any clues?"
They began to walk closer to the house. Rose shook her head, a thoughtful look on her face. "None whatsoever. She simply said that it was something to do with Edward and he needed to explain. I've been thinking it over and over but nothing comes up."
"I've got nothing either.' They reached the door. 'But I guess we'll find out now." He shrugged before reaching for the knocker and alerting their presence at the door.
-.-.-
Alice sat on the couch across from Edward, watching his every move. She refused to see him doing anything. If he wanted anything she would get it for him. The less strenuous activity the better Carlisle had said. The only she would let him do was go to the bathroom; there obviously was no way she could help him there. But as soon as he emerged once more, she dragged him, albeit carefully, back to the sofa where he'd been lying since he had woken up at seven, in pain.
The fainting incident seemed to have sparked it off now. It was the catalyst to the whole process. Before that nothing had seemed to be wrong, apart from the few times she'd seem him in pain. She was a nurse, and her eyes were always watching. She'd seen him lose the weight, watched him suffer in silence, and now that he had been diagnosed she knew she had known all along. She'd simply been in denial. Now she had nowhere to hide from the truth, and that terrified her and hurt her more than ever.
But be preoccupying herself she didn't give herself any time to stop and think. If she did she'd break down into a mess and she didn't want Edward to see that. She hated the thought of him suffering more than he had to. She knew he was already blaming himself for getting the disease, and that couldn't be helped. So she kept the thoughts of what would happen over the next few months to a minimum, and would focus on Edward's needs more than her own.
She stared at him, watched his glazed eyes, and saw no emotion. Gone was the man that smiled, laughed, loved. There was no doubt in her mind that he could no longer do those things; they were just deep below the surface now. He had retreated back into the shell he had used before Bella had came and changed him into a better person. The news had changed him for the worse, and she desperately hoped that whatever was to come, wouldn't drag him lower. She hoped he would realise that he needed to grasp everything with two hands now, because he didn't have the rest of his life like he always thought he would.
She looked to the floor, her ears picking up at the sounds of Jasper and Rose's worried voices. "They're here now, Edward."
"I know." There was nothing there. No emotion at all. It made her want to cry.
A knock at the door sent her to open it, leaving Edward behind the in the living room; his new home. She ran her hands through her short black locks, before opening the door and greeting her two friends. Their expressions mirrored what she had felt waiting for the news. Without a word she opened the door wider, letting them in. Rose stepped in first, quickly taking her coat off and hanging it on the rack. Jasper followed, but put both of his hands on her face, making their gazes lock.
That was all it took; the tears began to pour.
She cried silently, into Jasper's chest, and he comforted her the best he could without knowing what was going on. He wanted to ask but Alice needed this time, away from Edward, to let her emotions out. Instinctively he knew that once she stepped through that living room door she would keep all her feelings inside. She needed this, and right now.
Rose watched on from the corner, outside the lines. Her heart ached more than usual to see her friend cry so hard, so full of pain. Her arms wrapped around her own stomach, the pain that Jasper and Alice felt radiating off them so much she could feel it. Subconsciously she wondered where Edward was, and why he hadn't come to greet them as he usually did. Whatever it was she knew she'd have to find out and soon.
Alice pulled away from Jasper's hold, wiping her eyes with the corner of her sleeve, an action that normally would have never been done - 'It might ruin the material!' she would have wailed. But she wasn't herself at the moment, and that fact was blatantly looking both Jasper and Rose in the eye.
"You should come and see him. I don't want to leave him alone for too long." Alice whispered just enough to he heard. She didn't smile; it didn't feel like she was really there at all.
Alice led the way through to the living room, settling down into the chair she had been in before, and gestured to Edward. Edward didn't turn around to greet them. This angered Alice. "Edward, Rose and Jasper are here. They have been kind enough to come and visit you, so you'll bloody well look at them!"
Edward turned to face his sister, somewhat startled by her outburst. Yet his face showed nothing. He looked into her eyes and saw the extra pain he was inflicting. He couldn't do that to her; the loving sister who had always stood by his side. So he looked down, 'I'm sorry, I apologize.' He murmured and turned around on the couch, sitting to face them. Then he caught their eyes.
Rose's face was full of shock. It was clear she couldn't believe what state he was in. His hand covered her mouth in an action he thought was only used in the movies or comic books, but apparently it fit in here. He wondered what he must look like to the onlooker. He hadn't bothered to look in a mirror for fear he might break down. He was already broke as it was.
Jasper's face was unreadable. He was shocked, but not in such a way as Rose. It was a whole jumble of emotions, settling on his skin like a disease. But most of all he could see the pain. Pain. Pain. Pain.
Rose let out a delayed gasp. "Oh God, Edward. What the hell happened?!"
Edward looked over to his sister, begging her with his eyes to tell the story. He didn't wish to relive it, and the intricate details were only just setting in for him.
"You might want to sit down, guys.' Alice began, putting her legs under a cushion before telling her story. 'I cam home from work yesterday, and I knew something wasn't right. I just… knew. So I rushed home and when I got here Edward was standing in the kitchen. He turned to me, looking so painfully ill, and the next I knew he'd fainted collapsing to the floor.' Alice screwed her eyes shut, trying to blank out the memories as she told them. Jasper, kneeling on the floor beside her, stroked her hair in an action trying to comfort. She went on. 'I rushed him to the hospital, and the new doctor Carlisle helped him into a bed and such. He got tests done and… and… Edward…"
Edward sighed, lifting his heavy arms and rubbing his eyes. He was thinning a lot, Rosalie could see, almost so much that she could see the bones in his arms as he moved them. He looked to the floor. "I've been diagnosed with heart cancer." He didn't want to prolong Alice's pain.
At the words he watched as his sibling broke down once more, like the had when the news had first been told. It was taking a long time for the both of them to get the news to sink in. Even though it was unexpected, he had thought of it, and so had she. However the news was so painful that even they couldn't deny it anymore, making the pain worse.
No words were said and he didn't dare look up for fear of seeing those piteous glances he knew would come his way when word got out. He didn't want that.
Jasper was the first to speak. "What does this mean?"
It was such a simple question, one that Edward could answer in so many different ways, but he knew exactly what Jasper was pinpointing. In a way he was thankful Jasper was here. He deflected all the gasps and unneeded sympathetic words. He got straight to the point; Edward liked this about him.
Edward coughed, his body very weak. Alice jumped to his side at vampire speed, lifting a glass of water to his lips for him to drink. She took the glass for her hands, taking them into his own hands, and put the glass of water on the floor. He looked her right in the eye, one hand wiping some shed tears away. From the corner of his eye he saw both Jasper and Rose turn away, noticing this was a private moment.
He leant his forehead on hers. "I'm so sorry, Alice. I'm sorry I'm not acting like myself. I'm sorry I'm putting you through all this. I'm sorry I'm making you angry. And I'm sorry for everything that's going to come. Soon I'm going to rely on you, and everyone else for lots of things, so please, I know you're trying to help, but before I truly go off the rails, let me dot some things myself.' He kissed her forehead and grasped her hands tightly. 'Do you understand? It's not that I don't appreciate…"
Alice released her hands and threw her arms around her brother, in a strong yet gentle hold. "I know, Edward, I know. I'll always be here for you when you need help. I know you're independent, but let me help if you need it, okay?"
He nodded, and then she kissed his head, mimicking his action and went back to Jasper's arms. Edward looked back at Jasper, now ready to answer his question. "It means… a lot of things really. It means I'm terminally ill. It means I feel entirely helpless. But it's the same disease as my father had so I know kind of what happens. However, it's slightly different. Carlisle didn't go into all the details but the basics are that I won't respond to treatments and it's simply just a waiting game.' He looked to his hands, playing with his fingers. 'I'm here for as long as I'm supposed to be."
Suddenly, as if she couldn't take it anymore, Rosalie rushed from her seat and knelt behind Edward, throwing her arms around his neck and hugging him closer. At first he was surprised; Rose had never been one to show a lot of emotion, but it was obvious she felt something with his story. Out of all of the group he felt most distant towards her. Maybe she felt it too, and knowing he only has so much time left meant she wanted to get to know him better, So he hugged her arms closer to himself and pressed a little, affectionate kiss on her hand in thanks. She kissed his cheek in reply.
In the background, as Jasper and Alice watched this sudden display of affection from Rose, Alice heard the phone ring. She gathered herself up and walked the short distance. She looked at the caller ID and her breath was taken away. She picked up the receiver and closed her eyes shut. She just needed to get through this. She turned around, aware that everyone else was looking at her.
She looked at Edward, before answering. "Hey Bella." She tried to sound as cheerful as possible, hoping Bella didn't pick up on her fake tone.
Edward's eyes glazed over in pain. His chest began to ache, and not from his newly known illness, but from the thought of Bella, and what he was keeping from her. Since he had been told almost all he could think about was how the people around him were going to react or be told. Bella had always, and would always be at the forefront of his mind. He didn't know when he would tell her, how he would tell her, what he would do, or how she would react. All he knew was that he was pained to have to do this to her.
He could feel Jasper and Rose looking at him, gauging a reaction, but he tried to keep his face void of emotion. He could see Alice getting closer, trying her hardest to lead Bella off the scent that something was wrong. She tried to be upbeat, and it was working so much that only her eyes told of the unease she was feeling.
"… talk to Edward?' She looked at him, and he nodded in silent reply. 'Sure. Just let me get him."
She handed him the phone and had given him precious seconds to prepare himself. He knew, he just knew, that once he heard her voice all the pain he had been trying to hide would break loose. He ran a hand over his face, pinching the bridge of his nose in concentration.
Then he put the receiver to his ear. "Bella?"
Three…
Two…
One…
"Edward!' She replied with such vigour he could physically feel his heart breaking. "Gosh, it's so good to hear your voice. I've missed you so much, even though I only saw you yesterday.' She laughed. She was correct; she had seen him in the food shop. Everything seemed to be melting into one.
She chuckled slightly, trying to sound as normal as possible. "I've missed you too, love. It's been too long since I've seen you properly."
She made a noise of agreement. "I know what you mean. Oh, I have the most amazing news, Edward!"
"What would that be?" He was generally interested.
He could almost see her clapping her hands in an Alice-like action as she couldn't stand not telling anyone anymore. "You were right, as always. When I got home my mother was so upset, and she begged me to tell her all about Charlie. I did, and they met, and it's so obvious they still love each other. I'm beginning to think they might get together again. Wouldn't that be fantastic? I mean, I don't want to get ahead of myself, but maybe… you know."
Edward nodded to himself. She was so happy. Who was he to ruin her happiness? He couldn't do that to her! She meant to much to him to make her unhappy. He laughed, a tear slowly falling down his cheek. "That's great. I think Charlie will be much happier now, don't you?"
I could feel her smiling down the phone. "That's what I'm hoping for. When I visited him earlier yesterday I could just tell he wanted to see her again. I'm making dreams come true,' She laughed. 'Now my mother's so much happier as well. I left so I don't exactly know what happened, but she's singing! That's surely a sign."
"Yeah, it has to be. How did your mum take knowing about the accident?"
She hmmed. "Not very well. I had to reassure her a million times that he was better now. At least she'll take extra special care of him."
Edward felt another tear fall. "That's right." He replied.
There was a beat of silence before Bella whispered. "When can I see you?"
Edward looked around the room, searching for a sign of what he should say. All he was met with was faces full of sympathy. He could tell they were thankful they'd never had to go through this. Then he looked directly at his sister, and he knew he had to talk to her. Had to do something. Even if it broke him completely.
He coughed again, everyone around him tensing. "Eh, you could come over before choir practice on Thursday. I know you have to go earlier for show rehearsal, but I can fit you into my busy schedule." He tried to joke. It didn't get him far.
"Okay. I'll see you then. I love you."
His felt his heart clench again. "I love you, too."
The phone call came to a close. It was eerily quiet around him, with the only sound being their breathing.
Alice broke the silence. "What are you going to do, Edward?"
About Bella?
I looked into my sisters eyes.
"The only thing I can, even if it kills me."
A/N; I have two weeks off so I'm going to be typing out chapters like I've never typed before! So note the dates below, and I'll be trying to stick to them:
May 26; May 29; June 1; and June 5
I'm going to try and type up those five chapters. Obviously, if life gets too busy, it won't happen, but hopefully I'll get there. I know a lot of people want quicker updates to get the drama on the go, and find out what happens next sooner. (:
Anyways, that's another chapter. Please review!
-xlovestory
*I'm trying to be as exact as possible about the issue of heart cancer. If I'm getting any of the acts wrong, please PM or review to correct me. I want it to be as true as possible. Thanks, guys.