Harry Potter and the Blessed Blood
Fifth Year Outtakes
***Despite my plans to eventually own things, Harry Potter will never be one of them. ***
None of this is to be considered part of the story in any way shape or form
***HPBB***
-One way to have a discussion-
"Luna maybe we should wait."
"Hermione if we keep waiting we will keep wasting time, and I don't know about you but I am ready... to date Harry..."
The bushy-haired witch rolled her eyes, Luna was obviously implying something else. "Okay fine, so the plan is what, ambush him in his room, lock the door, and force him to listen as we demand a polygamous relationship?"
"Yes"
"Brilliant" the older girl deadpanned, with no small amount of sarcasm.
As the two girls reached the door Hermione took a deep breath and pushed it open. "Harry, we need to..." the room was empty though, although the door to the connecting bathroom was slightly ajar.
"Maybe he is using the loo?"
"Perfect!" Luna exclaimed, and grabbed the youngest Granger's hand while pulling her towards their new destination, "He won't be able to escape this..."
Both girls froze as they entered the room, Harry was most definitely not using the loo, if the large amount of steam and the figure moving behind the distorted glass concealing his personal shower was any indication.
"He is... busy apparently..."
Luna nodded, as both girls continued to stare at the blurry form. "Well... we did want to talk to him about this, what better time than the present?"
"Luna, you can't be seriou..."
The blonde had stripped down before Hermione could even finish her statement, earning a grumble but followup from the Gryffindor.
When the shower door opened, and Harry yelped in surprise at the two pairs of very soft hands that gently began touching him, the older girl was the one to explain their actions.
"Harry, we need to talk about this relationship the three of us are in... Luna and I have some ideas."
***HPBB***
-The (pause for dramatic silence) Talk-
"Mom I reallllly don't think this is a good idea."
"Nonsense dear, with the three of you beginning a relationship the adults in this house have decided that it is time you all receive 'the talk' concerning your actions and the consequences of them."
"I understand that mom, and I am perfectly fine with you talking to Luna and me but... why does Harry have to talk with all of the men."
"Because he is dating two of their daughters, Sirius and Remus are insisting on being there for their 'godfatherly duties'."
"B-but what if..."
"Honey relax it is just a 'bird and the bees' talk. Tell you what, if they don't take it seriously I can talk with him afterwards okay?"
"Okay..."
***HPBB***
-Meanwhile-
"Alright Harry it is time for a man to man talk, since you are going to be dating my precious angel..."
"And my cute little Snorkack"
"Then we need to set some ground rules and have a conversation about what you are not allowed to be doing."
"You see pup..." Sirius interrupted the two other fathers, earning a slight glare, "there comes a time in every young wizards life where..."
***HPBB***
Hours later Harry emerged from the room, looking rather confused as he slowly sank into a free cushion. Luna and Hermione, who had been anxiously waiting nearby, joined him moments later.
"Harry... are you okay?"
"I... think so?"
The blonde took the initiative next, "Do you have any... questions?"
"Uh... yeah, so am I supposed to sniff your butt before I catch the snitch with the Nargles, or after we get married?"
Both girls sat dumbfounded, blinking once or twice in confusion before Hermione decided to answer his question, "MOM!"
***HPBB***
-First time-
Sirius Black, Remus Lupin, Tonks, and the two Granger parents sat around the kitchen happily enjoying their breakfast when a dull thud, followed by a sliding sound and then another dull thud was heard coming from the stairs. Before the adults could figure out what had made the noise Hermione and Luna crawled their way into the room, before managing to ease their way into two chairs, whimpering the entire time.
"Are you two... okay?"
"Y-yeah it is just... we were up late..."
"Uh huh" Tonks replied, a grin appearing on her face, "so Harry was a bit... rough with you two huh?"
The sound of a glass shattering, as Hermione's father developed a horrific eye twitch, after shattering the mug he had been holding, broke the silence but was mostly ignored.
"You don't know the half of it."
"Now Hermione, we need to discuss something. I know the three of you are being safe but... well the thing is that teenage boys... they..."
"Don't last long" Tonks chimed in with a grin.
"I am going to murder him..." Jack Granger muttered, looking around for a knife, or fork, or even spoon at this point.
"Now dear, you are not going to kill their boyfriend."
"She is right, plus look on the bright side Jack." Sirius happily interrupted, earning a glare.
"And that would be what?"
"Well, every guys knows that after another guys first time he gets made fun of for how awful he was. It is tradition after all."
"Oh yeah, I forgot about that. Thanks for remind us 'Six second Sirius'." Remus remarked with a smirk.
The Black heir promptly dove across the table, tackling the werewolf while shouting something that sounded like "TRAITOR!"
"Anyways! Look dear, despite their... oddities the others are right. A boy does not perform very well on his first... or even his tenth time. Nerves and such. So give him some time and he will be able to last much longer."
"L-longer!?"
Luna looked over at the bushy-haired witch, an expression of sheer horror in her eyes as the same look was returned. "We are going to need more girls..."
"Yes, longer. Hermione... what is wrong?"
"Mom... we just got to sleep an hour ago... we have been at it since eight last night..."
"B-b-but it is almost ten!" Remus' mind had begun shutting down at this point, while Jack Granger had gone comatose.
"I KNOW!"
"T-t-twelve hours!?" Sirius stuttered
Seconds later the boy-who-shagged entered the room, not surprisingly very happy, until he noticed the looks on his two lovers' faces.
"Is... is something wrong? I didn't hurt you last night did I? If I did I didn't mean to..."
"Harry... we need to get you more girlfriends..." Luna whispered.
"So... any room in the roster for an older witch?" Tonks inquired with a seductive gleam in her eye.
***HPBB***
-Birthdays-
Luna Lovegood and Hermione Granger were sitting outside, trying desperately to figure out a gift for their boyfriend's birthday that was a mere three days away.
"I don't see why this is so hard, I mean we have bought him Christmas gifts before..."
"And made him some, but this year is different Hermione."
"Because we are dating him?"
"That and I just received his gift this morning... it was a trampoline."
"Yes Luna, I am well aware, considering you demanded that we use it for our 'meeting'." And indeed the blonde had, since they were both still sitting on said object, with Luna taking time to happily bounce around every few minutes.
"Oh come on, this is the best gift ever!"
"Luna, while I understand your excitement over this I do not think that this changes the need to make his birthday any more extravagant than..."
"I heard he is getting you a lifetime membership to an exclusive book club for your birthday."
Hermione paused, her eyes dulling for a moment and the thought of all the unrestricted knowledge and reading that would be available to her.
"You know... they say you only turn fifteen once... we really should do more for him."
"My thoughts exactly, I heard that Fleur and her sister have been writing him lately... perhaps they could come up and 'visit' us for a day or two."
"Are you suggesting..."
"Oh come on Hermione we both know you aren't that sheltered..."
***HPBB***
-Like a KitKat bar-
Albus 'sodding' Dumbledore was enjoying a very relaxing meal of 90% sugar 5% chocolate and 5% actual nutrition when the room seemed to quiet down just a tad, before he could ask his favorite Death Ea... I mean friend Severus he found himself lifted up into the air, as a young man's voice called out.
"I am going to break you"
"Wh-what?" The Headmaster wasn't quite sure what was happening, but everyone else seemed to simply be staring in shock and confusion.
"Like a KitKat bar..."
"Wha..."
The old man was promptly brought down toward the ground, and his back broken over the boy-who-lived's knee with a sickening crunch.
"OH GOD MY BACK! NOT EVEN ANY WARNING EITHER, LIKE A FREAKING NINJA! OH BOO, OH BOO ON YOU SIR!"
***HPBB***
"After a few days of rehabilitation in Madam Pomfrey's most excellent care I have made a complete recovery." Dumbledore happily exclaimed, while the various professors shrugged, most not really caring all that much after the past few years of crap.
"And that is why..." Before he could continue the elder wizard, once again, found himself lifted into the air, and brought down on Harry Potter's knee.
"OH GOD AGAIN!? WHY? WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS TO ME, IT WAS LIKE A PACK OF FIRECRACKERS GOING OFF!"
***HPBB***
"I know what you are all thinking 'but Albus surely you must be crippled for life after that monster broke your back twice' but that is where you would be WRONG. For you see I have once again made a miraculous recovery... ONCE MORE have I returned from the edge of crippling paralysis to..."
At this point none of the teachers even noticed Dumbledore being picked up by the boy, and having his back broken once more over his knee.
"OH COME ON, WHERE WERE YOU GUYS ON THAT ONE! THIS IS LIKE A WAKING NIGHTMARE!"
"Minerva, is there a reason why Mr. Potter continues breaking Albus' back over and over again... not that I am complaining really but the shouting is a tad annoying."
"Ah yes, that is because he is 'done carrying the old man's bullshit around' and he has decided that 'it is time for the bastard to take on the weight of his own screw-ups."
"And that means having his back broken repeatedly?"
"Eh, close enough Filius."
***HPBB***
-Breakout-
The Dark Wanker 'he-who-must-not-get-a-tan' slowly slithered through the halls of Azkaban prison, as in literally slithering around on his stomach. It was incredibly uncomfortable, and earned him a horrid case of 'stone burn' and had created more than a few knots in his back that the man-snake-thing would be regretting for the next week at least. But he was a Slytherin, and figured it would be 'cool' to act like a snake...
It was time, time for his vengeance to be sprung, for his dark minions to be freed and join him in their epic crusade against anyone who dared to be born with different parents, the bastards.
Coming upon the first jail cell he spotted his target, "Bellatrix, come forth my most loyal follower and..."
"Uhmmm who the hell are you?"
"Wh-what? It is me! LORD VOLDEMORT!"
"Uhm no, my Lord would definitely not turn himself into a pasty bald noseless creep." the woman replied, before returning back to her bed to stare at a newspaper magazine featuring Harry Potter with a dreamy sigh.
"Bella..." the Dark Lord growled, before dismissing her and moving on to the next prisoner.
***HPBB***
Two hours later and Lord Whats-his-face had yet to recruit a single Death Eater to his cause. None had believed his incredibly stupid story about being resurrected by a dead man and a fourteen year old boy, especially since he couldn't quite explain why he had chosen such an obvious and stupid looking body.
Finally he reached the last compartment, one that was fortified beyond all others, with dozens of barricades, locks, traps, wards, snake pits, landmines, video cameras, and a rather intricate looking 'jump puzzle' that required precise timing and skill.
After attempting, and failing, at conquering the protections for six more hours the man finally reached his destination, surely whomever was kept here would be a dark warrior beyond all belief. Perhaps it was an ancient demon that could be enslaved, or an immortal God trapped for defying reality, or maybe...
"Ah hem..."
Ruby-red eyes met an ungodly amount of pink, and the most feared man alive winced from the shock of it all.
"I am madam Umbridge, chief undersecretary for..."
"DEAR GOD NO! AVADA KEDAVARA!"
Even after the sickening bolt of green energy struck the woman she continued on, as if she bore no soul to destroy by the most hated of curses.
"It must be stopped..." Riddle muttered, now understanding why there were no dementors located this deep inside of the fortress, clearly they had all taken flight away from the abomination. He would do everything in his power to destroy this new threat, to save the magical world if need be.
Two days later the corpse of Tom Riddle would be found, no more than a shell of his former glory, laying on the floor in front of Umbridge's cell. Apparently he had slowly lost his sanity, and his mind, after spending too much time around the hated woman.
***HPBB***
A/N Not my best work but I have been feeling somewhat uninspired lately with the outtakes... on a side note does anyone else find the idea of Luna with a trampoline to be the most adorable thing ever?