Chapter 36

Two weeks later...

"Tim, you up for yet another visitor?"

Tim smiled at the way William had phrased his question. Since lifting his restriction on visitors, Tim hadn't been inundated, but there had been at least one person nearly every day. His parents had come a couple of times. Ducky had come. His parents had come. Ducky had come. Jimmy had come once, spoken very awkwardly and then left. Ducky had come. It was getting to the point that he was wondering if it would be Ducky or his parents.

"Ducky or my parents?"

"Neither."

Tim's smile vanished.

"Who is it, then?"

"They say they're your friends. Why don't you go and find out?"

Tim nodded but was less-than-enthused.

"Hey, don't look like that! You don't have anything to worry about. I'm sure of it."

Tim stood up and walked to the waiting room. He was nervous. Who could it be coming here to see him? He started chewing the inside of his cheek as he walked through the hall. He could hear voices on the other side of the door...but they were too soft to tell who they were.

Not NCIS people then. They're not ever soft, Tim thought bitterly...and opened the door.

"Tim!"

"Matt!" Tim said in surprise. "Judith...what are you doing here?"

Matt stood up, smiling with obvious relief. "Seeing you, of course. Why else would we be here?"

"...but...you were on vacation," he said blankly.

"Yeah, well, we've been back for a couple of weeks already."

"Why?"

"First things first," Matt said. "Can we hug you yet or is that still taboo?"

Tim smiled hesitantly.

"I...I guess that's okay."

Matt hugged him briefly and then Judith moved in and hugged him more tightly. She let him go and looked at him.

"Tim, you're still so skinny!"

"I've gained weight, believe it or not," Tim said, trying not to be uncomfortable.

"Really? ...you must have looked terrible because you're about as skinny as you were before we left!"

"Hey, I hit 143 yesterday. That's up thirteen pounds from when I checked in."

Judith hugged him again. "I can't believe we left you like that, Tim! I had no idea it was that bad!"

"You shouldn't have," Tim said, gently extricating himself from her arms. "I wouldn't have accepted help even if you'd offered it then."

"Well, do we talk here or do we go somewhere else?"

"It's a nice day. We can go out on the grounds," Tim said, feeling awkward. "Follow me." He turned around and walked out of the room.

Matt and Judith flanked him as they walked out onto the back lawn.

"Hey, Tim...I'm so sorry about the shower. I can't believe that happened."

"It's not your fault," Tim murmured. "You didn't build the shower. You didn't break it. You weren't even in the country when it happened."

"Still...Ducky told me what happened and...and, man, I..."

"It's okay, Matt. Really. ...actually, it was probably a good thing."

"A good thing?"

"Yeah...I wouldn't have ever asked anyone for help if it hadn't happened." Tim swallowed and sped up a little bit. "It took something like that to force me to accept that it was a good idea to get help from someone...anyone. Even then...it still took me being the colossal idiot of the century to get me to accept coming here." He gestured grandly. "And look at all I would have missed."

The slight sarcasm didn't pass unnoticed.

"Sorry. So...what brought you back here early? I hope it wasn't me." He sat down and gestured to them.

"No, Tim. Sorry, but you're not always what we're thinking of," Matt said.

Tim smiled. "Then, what was it?"

"Well...we don't know for certain yet. She could back out...like the others have but..."

Tim grinned. "You're getting a baby?"

Judith smiled and nodded. "Yes. A teen up in New York. The baby is due next month. If all goes well...we'll get to adopt our first...finally."

"That's wonderful," Tim said, sounding completely sincere. No cynicism. "You guys deserve it."

"Thanks. We haven't told everyone yet," Matt said. "My family, of course...and a couple of close friends...but we're keeping it secret until we know for sure it's going to happen."

"Well, I'm not likely to tell anyone except my fellow inmates," Tim said, but then covered the sarcasm quickly. "And have they planned everything for you yet?"

Matt gave him a knowing glance and then chuckled. "Just about. You know my mom. She won't be happy until everyone has given her multiple grandchildren. Even if this one does go through, she'll start asking when we'll be adopting another."

Tim hesitated and looked at Judith who just shook her head. "My family didn't acknowledge the message...as I expected, but I had to try."

"I'm sorry."

She shrugged even as her smile became slightly strained. "I knew what to expect when I made my decision to be baptized. They told me in very clear terms just what they thought of me and my beliefs. I've hoped for some softening, but there's time. Meanwhile, I just keep trying. Regardless, I'm very happy about the possibility of finally having a child...and at least they know that much."

"I hope everything works out as it should."

"Thank you, Tim."

Matt leaned forward. "Speaking of work, Tim...can I ask you a sensitive question?"

"Sure...I may start shouting at you, but I shouldn't try to hit you or anything." Tim managed a weak smile.

"You're not kidding."

Tim shook his head. "No. I'm not...but ask away."

"NCIS?"

Tim felt his hands clench into fists. "Yeah?"

"Are you going to go back there when you get out of here?"

Tim looked at his hands and laughed a little. "Obviously, I'm not ready quite yet."

"Tim," Matt said seriously.

"No. Probably not. Right now, I can't fathom ever wanting to go back there again. Too much...There's too much that happened...and didn't happen there. There's too much that I can't tolerate. I'd be a poison to NCIS. My anger and hatred would contaminate everything there. ...and it wouldn't be good for me either. Right now, I think of the people there and I want to scream. I think of them and what happened and I want to hit something."

"But when you're better..."

"Look, I said no, all right?" Tim said, angrily...and then sighed. "Sorry. See what I mean?"

Matt extended a hand and then let it drop. "Yeah. I see. I'm sorry. Do you have any plans?"

"Besides seeing how long they'll let me stay here?"

"Let you stay? I didn't think you wanted to be here."

"I didn't. Now, I do." Tim looked around. "It's safe here. I'm safe here. ...everyone is safe from me."

"I don't think you're a danger, Tim," Matt said.

"That's because you're a good person. ...but no, I don't really have any plans. I guess I'll have to get a new job eventually. Not sure what I'll do. NCIS was my goal, but...kind of lost that now and so..."

"Well, when you get released, why don't you come and stay with us while you're figuring out your future?" Judith suggested. "It would save you some money...and I'm guessing that you'll still be coming here sometimes?"

"Yeah, I will. All day at first and then just sessions later on. ...then, I'll be magically cured!" He smiled sardonically and then shook his head, staring up at the perfect blue sky. "You sure you want to risk me being there?"

"What would the risk be?" Matt asked.

"You'd have a mentally-unstable, unemployed nut living with you. That might not look very good to the adoption people."

"No...we'd have our good friend, Tim McGee, staying with us."

He kept his gaze upward and away from his friends. "It's a nice offer...but I'm not likely to need it for a while."

"The offer is always open if you're interested."

"Thanks."

Matt and Judith left soon after that with the promise that they'd keep coming to bug him. Tim smiled and waved as they left...and then sat down and sighed. The comparison between himself and Matt was all too obvious. Matt was married, had a job, was going to have a child. He was happy.

"...and what do I have?" Tim asked himself. "Nothing."

x.x.x.x.x.x.x

Five days later...

"Dr. Lewis, come quick. We can't wake him up!"

Dr. Lewis was alert in an instant and followed Mira through the halls. He knew where they were headed. The shouting and screaming was audible.

"Do you know what happened?" he asked.

"No! He'd been doing so much better lately... He didn't seem any different at lights out."

Dr. Lewis nodded and walked into the room.

"Stop! No! Please!" Tim's eyes were open now, but he was still asleep. Tears were streaming down his face. "Just die!"

"Tim," he said calmly. "Come on, now. You're all right. You're safe. Come out of the dream. It's all right."

He leaned over and turned on the lamp and kept talking. He didn't shake Tim, but he persisted in trying to get him to wake up and finally, he saw Tim's eyes actually focus on him.

"She wouldn't die! I kept shooting her, but she wouldn't die! I couldn't get her to die!" He was shaking like a leaf and he was terrified. "She just kept coming. She wouldn't stop...stop coming. She kept...kept on coming. I couldn't keep her away!"

"It's all right, Tim," Dr. Lewis said again. "Here, sit up."

Tim allowed himself to be pulled into a sitting position, still shaking, still frightened...not fully awake.

"Remember how to breathe, Tim. Slowly. In and out."

Proving that he had learned something, Tim nodded and began trying to use the tricks that would help him calm down. Then, when he had, he looked away, ashamed at what had happened.

"Is this a new dream?"

He nodded and shivered.

"Tell me."

"No. I don't want to."

"Tell me, Tim. What happened?"

Tim shook his head and wiped his eyes with the back of one shaking hand.

"No."

"Tim, what happened? What was different?"

"I shot her. Over and over again."

"Who?"

"J-Jewel. It started...like...like the old dream. ...but then... She was standing there, laughing at me, saying that...that I was just like her and then she had a gun. I shot her. I tried to stop her...but she wouldn't stop and she started...w-walking toward me." He swallowed. "She shot me. Over and over...just like I had done to her." The tears started again. "She kept saying that I was just like her. She kept talking. She wouldn't stop...even when I shot her in the face. She just wouldn't stop. ...and I couldn't stop."

Dr. Lewis looked back over his shoulder. Mira was still there.

"Mira, go to the cabinet and get one of them."

Mira nodded and left.

"Is that everything, Tim?"

"I couldn't die, either," he said in a small voice. "I was bleeding. She wasn't. I was. ...but I wasn't dying. She was just shooting me...even her face was gone." His own face crumpled and he was crying again.

Dr. Lewis could tell how bad it had been because Tim couldn't stop crying. He didn't like to cry, particularly not in front of other people, but he was crying now. It had been a bad dream. Mira came in quietly and set the requested item on the table.

"Thank you, Mira. Go and make sure there hasn't been any great upheaval."

She smiled and left.

"I'm sorry," Tim whispered through his tears. "I'm sorry. I couldn't stop screaming."

"It's all right."

"Can I please just..."

"No, Tim. That's not the way to deal with it."

"It works."

"Only temporarily."

"Who cares?"

"I do...and you will, too, when it stops working."

"No. I just want it to stop... now."

"I know you do, Tim, but you want to stop for good...not just a temporary cover. You need the real deal."

Tim whimpered and closed his eyes as he began shaking his head.

"Just make it go away. I just want it all to go away. Go away. Go away."

"It doesn't work like that, Tim. You know that. It takes time."

Tim shook his head again.

"Now, it's about two-thirty. You need to get more sleep than that."

"I don't want to go to sleep again."

"I understand, but you need to. Let's just try."

Another shaking of the head.

"Now, I know this will make you laugh, but here's the first step. Take this."

Tim opened his eyes and looked...did a double-take and then looked at Dr. Lewis who smiled.

"I'm not five years old," Tim said with just a touch of his old arrogance.

"No, you're not. You're a grown man in desperate need of something comforting."

Tim looked again.

"It's a teddy bear."

"Yes, it is," Dr. Lewis said smiling. Already, Tim's mind was being distracted from his terror. "Take it."

"And call you in the morning?"

Dr. Lewis chuckled. "If that works for you. Take the teddy bear."

Tim reached out and took the teddy bear from Dr. Lewis' hands. It was a nice bear. Soft fur and a deep green color. Just the right size for an adult to hold.

"Give it a hug."

"You're not serious."

"Totally."

Hesitantly, Tim pulled the bear close to his chest and hugged it. He looked embarrassed, but he didn't let the bear go.

"Now, lie down."

Instantly, he was afraid.

"Just lie down, Tim. I'm not even asking you to sleep."

Tim lay down on his side, still holding the bear.

"Now, let's just talk for a while. Not about anything in particular."

"Like what?"

"How about the kind of music you prefer?"

Dr. Lewis kept Tim talking, but let long pauses creep in as the night continued on. Tim's eyes started to close after about an hour, and the pauses became longer. Finally, at quarter to five, Tim was fully asleep, still clutching the teddy bear tightly, but asleep. Dr. Lewis gave a tired sigh and stood up. He quietly crept out of the room. William was on shift.

"Everything all right?" he asked.

Dr. Lewis yawned. "He's asleep at least. Which is what I'm going to be in about five seconds. Um...don't wake Tim up with everyone else. Let him sleep if he will. His lamp is still on, but his curtains are closed. Don't wake me up unless you have to."

"All right. Good morning, Dr. Lewis."

Dr. Lewis rolled his eyes and went back to his bed, the cot in the on-call room he had vacated more than two hours before.

Tim was a hard patient to have sometimes.