87-Life

AN: I just want to let you know that this is completely AU to the rest of Equilibrium. It isn't attached to the main story at all. This explores a kink I've wanted to write about for a long time. Dark stuffs and angst ahead.

"Mirage, please..."

Mirage sighed. He wanted so badly to tell him no. He wanted to push him away and look upon him with disgust. But he could never treat his bonded that way, even if his bonded was just a husk of his former self.

When Sideswipe was killed in the battle for Autobot City he was devastated and lost. An empty feeling in his spark haunted him. Life lost all meaning, and he was so close to joining his lover in the afterlife he could taste it.

But, when Perceptor told him there might be a way to bring his bonded back, he had a reason to live again. As he watched Perceptor make repairs to Sideswipe's battered body, the feeling of hopelessness began to fade, and he looked forward to the day he and his bond mate would be one again.

Sideswipe looked at him with blank blue optics. Gone was the laughter and mirth they held in life. His mouth a constant straight line that never smiled in glee or mischief as it once did. He should've known something was wrong soon after he was reactivated. Sunstreaker asked him if he wanted to go mess with the minibots and Sideswipe said no.

"You're the only one who'll let me..." He stepped forward trying to close the distance between himself and Mirage. His charcoal colored hand pressed against his shoulder, and pushed him against the wall. This only reminded Mirage that he really didn't have a choice in the matter. When Sideswipe was deprived, he would use force if necessary.

The mech before him really wasn't Sideswipe at all. This mech looked like Sideswipe, talked like Sideswipe, and even contained Sideswipe's memories, but it wasn't Sideswipe. They'd brought him back using the small portion of him that was contained in Mirage's spark. But a portion of a spark couldn't give a mech life.

To supplement the rest of the spark, they used data from Sunstreaker's spark and memories from both Mirage and Sunstreaker. But try as they might they really couldn't bring Sideswipe back to life. He hadn't the charm, the humor, or the love Sideswipe had in life. The only thing the empty red hull contained was distance, emptiness, and need. Mirage didn't know what was harder; losing his bond mate, or living with someone that wasn't truly his lover.

Mirage looked into Sideswipe's blank expression and nodded giving him permission. He was right; there was no one else. Usually he used Decepticon prisoners, but the brig was empty. Sunstreaker hated it. He'd tried it on another once, but the attempt was unsuccessful. He didn't tell Cliffjumper what he was doing, or why he was doing it. He just attacked out of need.

Mirage would rather himself be used then have another incident like that occur. The higher officers were notified, and there was panic and investigations abound. They were lucky, no one linked the mysterious attacker to Sideswipe. First Aid and Perceptor didn't even know the side effects of Sideswipe's reactivation, and Mirage would make sure they never knew. There would be no more experiments or examinations.

Mirage still felt bound to him. Sideswipe needed his protection, no matter how much he'd changed.

Sideswipe looked at him hungrily, grabbed him roughly by the arm, and led him to the berth. He sat on the berth's edge and pulled Mirage on top of him. One arm wrapped firmly around Mirage's waist. He massaged the cables in Mirage's neck with his trembling free hand. He grazed his lips across the cables; his breath hot against the other's neck.

Mirage grimaced and shuddered. "No foreplay. Do only what you need to."

"I thought maybe it' d be easier if I-" The dark hand around his waist drifted trying to find a sensitive seam.

"No." Mirage spoke aloud, his voice stern and harsh. He wouldn't allow the beautiful things he and Sideswipe used to share to be tainted by this beastly ritual.

Sideswipe nodded his hand returning to Mirage's neck. He found an energon line nestled within the cables housed there. The line was thick, black, warm, and familiar. Carefully he unscrewed it from the main line. Energon gushed from the line spilling onto his hands and Mirage's chassis. He took the line into his mouth unceremoniously and drank.

There were many side effects to Sideswipe's reactivation. Among them was his inability to process pure energon. His body, despite whatever repairs were made, couldn't digest energon. Whenever he tried to ingest the energon his whole body convulsed, and his fuel tank purged itself of its contents.

Drinking the partially digested energon of another mech was the only way to keep Sideswipe from starving. Mirage was life; Mirage was survival.

There was nothing as horrible as feeling your own life force drained. All conscious thought left Mirage's processors. Energon gushed from the open wound. Mirage could feel the sickening pulse of energon through his entire body. A wave of unnatural warmth washed over him, and he began to feel a tingling numbness in his fingertips.

He couldn't decide if the lapping and nibbling at his energon line was pleasurable or painful. Mirage moaned and buried his head into the red mech's shoulder. The pain was unimaginable. His hands clenched against Sideswipe leaving large ugly dents in the red mech's arms. Finally the blue mech swooned and passed into an unconscious state.

Mirage onlined to find himself resting in his berth. His head rested on a cushion, and his energon line had been put back into place. His fingers felt numb and cold; he couldn't feel his legs at all. He tried to move, but found that he couldn't. "Lucky to be alive I suppose." He always ravaged him, drained him until he tottered on the edge of life and death.

Mirage groaned in pain and frustration. He could deal with the barbaric ritual if he could actually have Sideswipe back.

A few kliks later Sideswipe appeared above him. "I brought you energon Mirage,"

Mirage watched vacantly as Sideswipe pulled three cubes of high-grade from his subspace pocket. Eventually all the high-grade he'd be taken would be noticed. More lies, more risk, the monster easier to expose.

Sideswipe sat next to Mirage and propped the blue mech's helm. He lifted a cube of energon to Mirage's lips and tried to feed the high-grade to his bond mate.

Mirage's energy was so depleted he couldn't even swallow the fuel. He coughed and sputtered unable to consume the food.

"I must've really drained you. I'm sorry," Sideswipe said in a dry uncaring way that was entirely unlike the Lamborghini. Sideswipe dipped his fingers into the sparkling cube; then he inserted the energon-covered digits into Mirage's mouth.

Mirage lapped hungrily at Sideswipe's digits. Sideswipe repeated the process dipping his fingers into the cube and feeding Mirage.

The entire time anger stirred deep within Mirage's spark. It was so much easier to romanticize their desire to hold him again then it was to actually live with him. If they'd only known the consequences of, "anything to have him,"

"I wish you were still dead," Mirage thought.

Sideswipe pulled away from his bond mate. His placid expression morphed to one of shock and hurt.

"I-I didn't mean it. Sideswipe I-" Mirage stammered. Desperately he tried to get his stiff limbs to move. He wanted so badly to reach out and touch the mech opposite him.

"Yes you did," he replied calmly. "And I agree with you. This is no way to live."