Naomi instantly regretted her decision to talk L out of suicide, not only did she instantly remember that she HATED L WITH AN INTENSE PASSION but it was also only a couple inches of rain short of a hurricane outside.

Not to mention L didn't seem to be paying attention when she tried to signal him to come talk to her inside and get far away from the edge of the roof. Which meant that Naomi would have to go get soaked if she wanted to have any results, and knowing L it wouldn't be easy and would take at least a half hour maybe more.

Naomi sighed and walked out into the deafening downpour and tapped L on the shoulder. He looked over at her briefly with eyes that reminded her of a very unhappy anorexic panda.

"Oh god, it's you." He said in his usual monotone before turning back to look out at the downpour.

"Light said he wouldn't come unless there was a possibility of him obtaining an awful photo of you. So I came instead." Naomi explained, L looked over at her with an expression that asked 'are you retarded?'

"Misora-san, why are you here?"

It appeared that unless L was actively trying to make Light jealous he reverted back to calling Naomi by her last name, that was comforting at the very least. It meant that L didn't actually care and wasn't trying to get in her pants and Light's at the same time, so the chance of distraction-sex threesome style was minimal. Unless L was really sex deprived, and there was a very high possibility of that…

"I just have this awful feeling that if you jump I'll be the one who has to clean the pavement."

"…"

"Not that we're on the best of terms or anything it's just your committing suicide would be really annoying at the moment. That means Light would become king of the task force and nothing would get done at all, and if Light's king of the task force that means I become secretary of the task force. Do you understand what this means Ryuzaki?" Naomi asked L in a panic seizing his shoulders.

"No." L replied in a deadpan. At the moment he looked as if he were seriously considering suicide if his only other option was hanging out with Naomi.

"It means the world will become a jam filled anime convention! Jam filled anime! Just think of all that sticky yaoi I'd have to put up with, that the world would have to put up with! And what about all those skanky jammy outfits, covered in jam! What about them? Do you understand me Ryuzaki, the fate of the universe is in our hands!"

For a moment she swore that she and L had a significant connection filled with mutual understanding despite their differences. Then he opened his mouth and spoke, "Are you trying to convince me that if I commit suicide Light will turn the universe into a jam anime?"

"No, a jam filled anime convention that never ends." Corrected Naomi.

"Ah."

"So you see L, that's why you can't jump off this roof no matter how much you want to."

L then gave a deep sigh and looked directly at her with an look of intense hatred, well more intense than his usual hatred of her. "Misora-san." He said in a dark monotone.

"Hm?"

Naomi couldn't say she wasn't expecting that L would try to murder her at some point during the investigation, after all there'd been those moments when Light would look in her direction instead of L's and well…

She'd actually been expecting it for a while so when he finally did snap she was somewhat prepared. Unfortunately she had left the mace at home because she had assumed that Light's scary face of doom would scare off L's attempts to murder her. Besides what kind of an idiot would try to kill one of their employees when trying to accuse one of his other employees of murder? That's just counterproductive, even if he did manage to blame it on Light, that means he lowered the average intelligence of the task force by at least eighty IQ points.

So when he did try to murder her she wasn't exactly surprised she just wasn't exactly ready for it either. And she sure as hell hadn't thought that she'd be outside and drenched when it would happen or that L would try to strangle her as opposed to beating the crap out of her. She always thought he was the 'kick repeatedly in the stomach' type but strangling worked too.

"I don't understand." L said evenly as Naomi turned blue. She was a bit too out of breath to ask why and a bit too busy trying to live to care about responding.

"You are by far the dumbest person I have ever had the pleasure of meeting, and this includes Matsuda."

Ouch.

"You're obnoxious, incompetent, whiny, irritating, idiotic, confounding, and all together the least attractive person he could have possibly met! Including Matsuda."

Naomi wondered why Matsuda kept popping up in this conversation.

"It vexes me," Naomi couldn't help if he used the word 'vexes' just to sound more sophisticated than her, "By all rights he should like me, after all I'm far more intelligent than you. We're equals and yet he always turns to you. So tell me Misora Naomi, why am I losing to you?" L's eyes made him look like a panda high on murder, and if that wasn't creepy enough he was starting to laugh like a drug addict as well.

If Naomi wasn't being strangled she would have pointed out that they were both losing to Misa because she was the one Light had chosen to room with for whatever period of time he chose. Somehow though she had the feeling that being in third place would not make L feel any better about the whole situation.

Naomi tried to swat L's hands away but for some reason the pounds of sugar he ate must have given him super-strength, that or jealous rage had increased his power level it was hard to tell.

Naomi could see her whole life flashing before her eyes. There was middle school, lovely middle school with all her creepy stalkers who somehow had wound up in the hospital. There was Raye proposing to her in a fast food restaurant while reading a newspaper. There was the LABB case and that poor little thirteen year old she had refused to kill, if only she could have his brains now. There was Mr. Snuggles staring after her as she walked away from him and back towards the NPA building. There was L glaring down at her the rain dripping from his hair.

As far as lives went it appeared that hers was filled with stalkers and rather awkward romantic experiences.

She wondered if the clowns that controlled the universe would be at the end of the tunnel with white life or if she'd just end up in the Shinigami realm or something by mistake.

"Ryuzaki, are you strangling my high maintenance whore?"

Suddenly Deus Ex Machina appeared in the form of a rather soaked Mr. Snuggles standing above her and looking grimly down at L. L's hands loosened slightly, enough for Naomi to choke on the sweet air that was allowing her to continue living and avoid the clowns.

"Light-kun?" L asked simply his eyes growing to the size of dinner plates.

"You know as much as I appreciate the mud wrestling I can't help but notice how very slippery it is up here. I wouldn't be surprised if one of you accidently fell off the edge of this building to the street below to be torn up and eaten by rabid dogs." Light mused all the while tapping his foot impatiently and looking towards the edge of the roof.

"Nonsense Light-kun it is perfectly safe up here…" L trailed off and his eyes grew to the size of strawberry cheesecakes. Light glanced at L meaningfully before returning his gaze to the edge of the roof.

"It'd be such a pity if one of you were to die, not to mention as Naomi conveniently pointed out earlier, extremely messy."

"Ah." L said once again.

"I'm sure you had this lovely speech for me too, where you impersonate Judas in order to feel me up and make me feel a little guilty for an act I'm not going to commit. It'd be a shame if I never got to hear it." Light sighed, "Oh well, can't be helped I guess."

"…" L clearly was at a loss for words.

"Mr. Snuggles, you saved my life!" Naomi exclaimed, in awe at the romantic gesture Light had just made.

"Shut up, whore." Light said offhandedly to Naomi before focusing back on Naomi's would-be-murderer.

"Now I want you to sit here and think about what you've done." Light said with finality before looking over at Naomi and giving her his hand. Naomi simply blinked and looked at it.

"Naomi, it's cold and it's wet and I will not spend the rest of my life on this goddamned roof attempting to save you from your watery grave. Take the hand or I'll be forced into drastic measures."

"…Ryuzaki's kind of lying on top of me…"

Light looked down at L who was still straddling Naomi with his hands at her throat, Light sighed and promptly kicked a stunned L off of Naomi and pulled Naomi up. "Remember, it's your fault if I get pneumonia."

Naomi nodded and rubbed her neck gingerly, she was going to have some nasty bruises later. She'd have to start wearing turtle neck sweaters again or Matsuda was going to think that shinigami could sneak down and strangle people to death. Although that was a possibility…

"Thanks by the way," Naomi said as they walked down back into the building.

"For what?"

"For saving my life."

"Please Naomi, don't flatter yourself. I just didn't want to clean the blood off of the pavement."

Naomi felt her brain flat line as her fantasy of Light being an almost good person was shattered into tiny little fragments of disillusionment. It was worse than the moment when she realized that Beyond Birthday had thought that his attempt to light himself on fire was exceedingly clever.

"You unromantic bastard! Misa will regret the day she decided to move in with you!"

"Indeed, don't tell her though I want to watch her face when she figures it out for herself."

Light vs. Fools

Light: 9000

Fools: 0

(Check the stats, they're fool proof)

Author's Note: If this fic were a song fic then Bad Romance lyrics would be all over the place, you know it's true. In other news ridiculously long chapter in which the pedo-foot-rub scene is successfully avoided, HA HA. (And yes that note did have an OVER 9000! joke, I was running out of ideas). Anyway, thanks to readers and reviewers you guys are great even if you keep wondering why L is still living.

If you have complaints about the avoidence of L pretending to be Judas or you just want to review you know that the button is down at the bottom of the page.

Disclaimer: I don't own Death Note.