Disclaimer: I don't own the Hobbit!

Weary and Witty

Bilbo swore colorfully when he lurched forward head over heels. He, Bofur, and Nori had been playing a strange Dwarf game. They crouched down, each with a rubber ball in hand, and they had to toss the balls back and forth between each other, all while bouncing up and down on their heels and singing a ridiculous ditty. Bilbo had given up on the song after the first four tries. Bofur sang too quickly for him to understand the words. But now . . . Bilbo had just been reaching forward to catch the ball Nori had tossed to him when the ship had shuddered. The movement sent him flying head over heels, landing hard on his back hard enough to drive the wind from his lungs.

"You alright there, Bilbo?" Bofur asked from his place on his back. Only Nori out of the three of them had managed to keep his feet. Bilbo blamed it on the thief's experience. Bilbo didn't answer as he continued to swear in Hobbitish.

"Must be some pretty strong stuff he's saying," Nori commented to Bofur as the engineer sat up. Bofur nodded eagerly in agreement. Sending them both a glare, Bilbo aimed a kick at the thief who dodged it. He then did the one thing that would have even shocked his mother. Closing his fist but for his pointer and pinkie fingers, he pressed them against his eyebrows and drove them up along his forehead.

"BILBO BAGGINS!" Nori leapt in surprise at his older brother's roar and Bofur fell backward again. Bilbo's eyes widened at the sight of Dori standing on the gangway of the cargo bay. He hadn't exactly been counting on Dori to see the hand sign. Only that Dwarf would have known what it meant. "If I ever see you make that sign again I will beat you with a belt." Bilbo hunched his shoulders forward, trying to shrink in on himself.

"That's a little harsh just for a hand sign," Bofur commented. Dori stomped down the stairs and Bilbo had half a mind to bolt for his safe place. Nori continued to look between his brother and friend in confusion.

"Oh not by these standards," Dori hissed out. And before Bilbo to make up his mind to run, he had the very tip of Bilbo's ear pinched between two fingers nails. Sharp pain like that of a needle scorched through Bilbo's nervous system and he squealed, scrabbling at Dori's hand. The Dwarf refused to relinquish his hold. "Now apologize to Nori, Bilbo."

"He deserved it," Bilbo protested, squealing once more when the fingernails dug in. "Let me go! I'm not a child!"

"I will treat you like a child until you learn to behave. Now apologize."

"But what's it mean?" Bofur asked.

"Let him go, Dori," Nori said. "We were just having fun."

"'Having fun' does not excuse his actions."

"But what's it mean?"

"Let me go!"

"Making this hand gesture," Dori said as he exhibited the sign of two fingers up his brow. "Is the Hobbit equivalent of this." He proceeded to fold down his middle finger and press it along the ridge of his nose. His other fingers were left to splay across his forehead. Bofur's eyes widened and he looked to Bilbo, aghast. Nori just shrugged.

"So? I do that behind your back all the time."

"Yes, well, it's rude. And it shouldn't be done."

"Let me go," Bilbo said again. He tried to twist his ear out of Dori's grip but to no avail. The Dwarf simply switched to the other ear. A fresh wave of needling pain ran down Bilbo's spin and he shuddered.

"Not until you apologize."

"Alright, I'm sorry. I won't do it again."

"You better mean that, Bilbo Baggins, or I will belt you."

"I mean it! I mean it!"

"Lay off him, Dori," Nori said in a bored voice. Bofur hadn't found his yet, his mouth hanging open in horror. Dori snorted and released the Hobbit, giving him a small shove forward. Bilbo stumbled and pitched forward. Nori caught the back of his shirt just before he hit the ground.

"I will be telling Thorin about this," Dori said to Bilbo's back. Bilbo scowled at the floor. No one had threatened to belt him since he had been a faunling. And even then that had only been once, done by his mother. The Dwarf stomped away in a huff, leaving Nori to haul Bilbo upright.

"Ya know a bad hand sign?" Bofur asked Bilbo softly. Bilbo straightened his shirt, his vest having been far too torn for repairs, and tried to regain his dignity.

"Ferumbras taught it to me when I was younger," he said. "I only used it once on Lobelia Bracegirdle. My mother whipped me with a belt for that."

"Don't worry," Nori told Bilbo, resting an arm on the Hobbit's head. "I do that sort of stuff all the time and Dori still beats me for it." Bilbo shoved his arm off but Nori just replaced it.

"Except they never seem to work," Bofur pointed out. Nori snorted at that, shaking his head. He perked up at the sound of Thorin's voice carrying down the hall.

"I told you to be careful."

"We were careful, Thorin," Fili argued. "But we don't have any sensors to tell us when to stop."

"You are experienced enough to know without sensors. Next time, don't let Kili distract you."

"I resent that!"

"Shut up, Kili, you're not helping."

"Everything alright," Nori called up their captain. Thorin shot him a dirty look then did a double-take at the sight of Bilbo being used as an armrest.

"He is a guest on this ship, not a piece of furniture," the captain told Nori. "Do not treat him as such." Straightening up, Nori gave him a mock bow. Thorin turned back to continue his conversation with his nephews only to find them missing. They had split up and run down the gangway while he'd been distracted. Together, mirroring each other's moves, they raced down the length of the cargo bay and slid down the railings to the lower levels. Thorin scowled as Kili straightened up from a spectacular landing.

"Be careful, Kili," Dori scolded the younger Dwarf. "Oin told you to avoid strenuous activity. Your neck is still tender."

"I'm fine," Kili said with a wave of his hand. "Besides, that's hardly strenuous."

"Told you, mother hen," Nori whispered in Bilbo's ear. He winked when Bilbo turned to look at him.

"Come on, let's have another go," Bofur said, tossing rubber balls to each of his friends. Fili turned and, seeing them, lit up excitedly.

"Are you playing Grenade? Can I join?"

"I want to play too!" Kili said, waving his hand eagerly. Dori glowered at both pilots before storming over to Thorin. He began muttering in a low voice.

"Wait, this game is called Grenade?" Bilbo asked, his eyes widening. "What kind of game is that for children?"

"It's called Stoners for the younger kids," Fili said as he and his brother joined their group. Bofur reached into a small bag and withdrew two more rubber balls for them. Bilbo rolled his own ball between his hands, unsure if he wanted to play anymore.

"Besides, it's fun," Kili said. "Especially when you play Extreme Stoners."

"What's . . . 'Extreme'?" Bilbo asked unsurely. Fili and Kili shared mischievous looks. Bofur scratched his chin, as though wondering if this was a good idea.

"Come here," Kili said, crouching down. The three Dwarves joined him in a pentagon shape, leaving one spot open for Bilbo. They turned to him expectantly. Bilbo hesitated but sighed in resignation when Bofur wiggled his fingers in a 'come hither' gesture. Shuffling over, Bilbo crouched down on his haunches.

"Here we go," Kili said before he started chanting along with the rest of the Dwarves. The five of them began to toss the balls between each other.

"Boulders rolling down the hill,

Pebbles falling round you all,

These stones they could kill,

Better run and start the call."

Bilbo blanched at the words as he caught a ball tossed to him by Nori who caught Kili's who caught Bofur's who caught Fili's who caught Bilbo's. It was a never-ending circuit until someone dropped their ball.

"Stoners, stoners, see them coming?

Little Goblins playing their games,

The boulders fall with great rumbling,

Stoners, stoners, they're to blame."

Kili and Fili chanted happily, tossing their balls to Nori and Bilbo. The words wound round and started again. Bilbo was starting to wonder who thought of this diabolical game. And then he found out what 'Extreme' meant. It was he who dropped his ball first. Normally Nori would have howled with laughter, Bofur cuffing Bilbo on his shoulder. Not this time, though. This time Fili and Kili launched themselves at Bilbo, knocking him to the ground.

"STONED!" they shouted gleefully. Kili's fingers danced along Bilbo's sides and Bilbo squealed with laughter, his legs kicking out under Fili.

"Hey, you think his feet are ticklish?" Fili asked Kili wickedly.

"Let's find out," Nori offered, standing from his crouched position. Bofur had fallen over in his laughter, wiping tears from his eyes.

"No," Bilbo gasped out, even as Fili pinned his ankles down with his knees. "Stop."

"Gotta say uncle," Kili teased as he continued to tickle Bilbo's sides.

"Nev-ER!" The word ended in a high squeal when Nori ran a fingernail up the sole of his foot. Bilbo screeched in both surprise and laughter at the strange sensation running through his legs and spine. Nori continued to tickle him, his nimble fingers running along Bilbo's toes. Bilbo squealed and bucked, trying to throw the Dwarves off him.

"Stop!"

"Here, let me help," Bofur said, finally managing to contain himself. Bilbo squealed out a 'no!' but Nori shifted over to allow Bofur room. The engineer eagerly ran his nail up Bilbo's soles. His fingers were even worse. While Nori's fingers knew their way around feather-light touches, Bofur's knew how to handle any problem. He deftly found ever ticklish spot on Bilbo's foot.

"Going-to-pee!" Bilbo gasped out. Kili moved his fingers upward toward his armpits, the ticklish sensations increasing. Fili dug his fingers lightly into Bilbo's calves. It was all too much for the poor Hobbit and he gave a great laughing squeal. His arms flailed uncontrollably. One caught Kili on the nose and the Dwarf fell back on his brother in surprise. It was a domino effect. Kili tumbled into Fili who pitched forward into Nori who fell sideways into Bofur who crumpled to the floor laughing. All four Dwarves ended up falling off Bilbo and into a dog pile. The Hobbit managed to crawl away, finally free of the torture. Bilbo collapsed to the floor in a gasping heap. He opened his watery eyes to see a familiar pair of boots standing before him. Rolling over, he saw Thorin looking down at him with humor in his eyes. Bilbo's chest heaved with his struggles to breathe. Somewhere not far away his four Dwarf friends were cursing as they tried to untangle themselves.

"Having fun?" Thorin asked.

"Don't like you right now," Bilbo said, pointing a finger at Thorin. "You're lucky I don't have any stones with me."

"Here's one!" A ball flew through the air and landed neatly on Bilbo's stomach. He wrapped his fingers around it. Thorin's eyes widened slightly. Bilbo gave him a wicked grin.

"Stoned!" Even upside down he had a dangerous aim. The ball ricocheted off Thorin's forehead and struck Dwalin on the head just as the taller Dwarf stepped off the bottom step. He fell backward cursing, a hand clapped to his bald head. "Oops. Didn't mean to do that . . . Never mind, I did. I don't like you right now either." Dwalin glared at him as he shoved himself upright from the stairs. Ori looked between the Dwarf and Hobbit in growing worry from behind the warrior.

"Up you get, Bilbo," Thorin said, leaning down. He hooked his hands under Bilbo's armpits and dragged him to his feet. Bilbo remained limp the entire time, glaring at the captain of the ship, until he was set to stand alone. He swayed back and forth uncertainly. Not from dizziness or exhaustion, just out of pure spite. He still wasn't happy with Gloin, Dwalin, or Thorin yet.

"Lose the attitude, Bilbo, or I will set Dori on you," Thorin warned. Bilbo wrinkled his nose in distaste and stuck his tongue out at the Dwarf. "I mean it. I will not hesitate to allow Dori to belt you."

"Like I haven't been belted before."

"Bilbo," Bofur said in a soft warning voice. Bilbo peeked over his shoulder to see his four friends on their feet. Kili shook his head ever so slightly in an indication to stop. Bilbo huffed but stepped back from Thorin, giving in. Thorin nodded. The captain turned to address his entire crew.

"We have reached a Government Space Station," he said. "It is unmanned, so Bilbo can wander around if he likes. Dwalin, you are in charge of him. Bofur, Bifur, get the ship filled on fuel. The rest of you may fill up on food and shower if you would like." Bilbo gaped at Thorin as the insufferable Dwarf marched to the cargo bay's smaller door. He wrenched it open just in time for Kili and Fili to leap past Bilbo and out the door with great whoops of joy.

"H-He can't do that," Bilbo said, pointing in Thorin's general direction. "I'm not a child." Bofur clapped him on the shoulder as he walked past. Nori at least paused to speak to their friend.

"Don't take it too hard, Bilbo," he said. "Thorin's just being bossy again. Besides, he's right. You have an attitude." Pausing to check Dori wasn't looking, he braced his middle finger along his nose and splayed his fingers against his forehead, his tongue sticking out. Bilbo swung out at him and missed as the thief danced away on light feet.

"I think you dropped this." A rubber ball bounced off the side of Bilbo's head. Bilbo allowed it to roll away as he glared at Dwalin. The Dwarf didn't seem fazed by his directed anger in any way. He just threw an arm around Bilbo's shoulders and began to lead him away.

"Come on," he said. "Thorin's put me in charge of food." Bilbo turned his head away, intent on ignoring the Dwarf, but allowed himself to be led off the ship. His eyes flicking to the corner of his eye, he froze. His eyes widened in shock.

He had been expecting a hanger of some sort, maybe the walls to be a pristine gray with pictures hung on them. Pictures with words underneath them saying things like "Best Pilot of the Year" And "Killed 342 Orcs". There were no pictures. The walls were blank, void of any color whatsoever. They were nothing more than pristine white walls that rose high above Bilbo's height, clearly made for Men and not Dwarves or Hobbits. Fluorescent lights lit the high ceiling. One or two had blown a fuse in their lifetime while others flickered, casting the hall into dim shadows.

"Come on," Dwalin urged, his arm still around Bilbo's shoulders. Bilbo stepped forward slowly as he followed Dwalin's silent command to move. His eyes trailed over the flickering lights and pristine walls. Up close he could make out the chips in the paint and cracks along the walls' surfaces. The floor had been formed from a steel, cold to the touch of Bilbo's soles.

"Where are we going?" he asked Dwalin softly. They continued on down the hall, taking the first turn they came across. Dwalin seemed to know just where they were heading to.

"The disbursement center."

"A-And what's that?" They took another turn. This time the walls were lined with sliding doors. None had any words on them. Bilbo thought he could hear someone singing behind one of them. Steam hissed out from under the seam of the floor.

"The Government provides monthly rations to mercenary ships," Dwalin explained. "It's their way of keepin' a census of all pilots outside. The food's terrible, though."

"Then why do you eat it?"

"Because the last time we didn't pick up rations the Government stocked our kitchens full with them. Bombur threw a temper tantrum for a week just because it tasted bad. It's nothin' more than smoked meat and dried fruit. There's no taste to it."

"Oh," Bilbo said before falling quiet. Dwalin glanced at him from the corner of his eyes. Bilbo scowled, giving him his best warning look.

"Bilbo . . ."

"Don't you dare start with me. I'm fine."

"You're not sleepin' on your own. We're just tryin' to help."

"By doping me every time I have a nightmare?" Dwalin stopped walking and turned, moving his arm to clap a hand on Bilbo's shoulders. He leveled Bilbo with a severe look. Bilbo only narrowed his eyes. He knew what was coming.

"Bilbo, you're nightmares are gettin' worse. Nothin' I do helps. You've bitten through leather twice now. Oin had to stitch up your arm."

"I'm fine," Bilbo argued, shrugging Dwalin's hand off his shoulder. The Dwarf just replaced it and clapped his free hand on Bilbo's other shoulder.

"What happened up in those vents? You were up there for a lon' time."

"I said nothing. Can't you just drop it?"

"I'm just trying to - ."

"If you say help one more time, so help me I will skewer you on my sword."

"What, this thin'?" Dwalin asked as he released one of Bilbo's shoulders to reach behind him. He pulled the small sword from his boot and offered it out to Bilbo. "You left it in the room. Never forget your weapon when you're goin' into unfamiliar territory." Bilbo accepted the sword from the warrior, albeit begrudgingly. "Bilbo, you've been talkin' in your sleep. Nori knew what you were talkin' about. He told me so."

"Well I don't know what you're talking about. And I'd appreciate it if you would just. Drop. It."

"I'm not droppin' anythin' until you tell me what's goin' on in your nightmares. What's got you so scared?"

"Nothing! Why can't you just leave me alo - ." And then Dwalin was suddenly in his face, his nose inches from Bilbo's.

"ATTERCOP!" The roar sent ice through Bilbo's veins. His eyes widened and his breath caught in his chest. He knew that word. It haunted his nightmares and dogged his footsteps through the shadows. Dwalin drew back from Bilbo, his own chest heaving not from exhaustion but from the restraint of yelling more. His words were strained as he continued.

"He's a black-market dealer, Nori told me so. Said he doesn't abandon his prey." Bilbo trembled under Dwalin's touch, trying to will himself to breathe again. The word still bounced through his skull. "Bilbo, say somethin', please. I want to help."

"I-I don't know him," Bilbo said in a shaking voice. Turning his gaze, he found Dwalin watching him with a tense look. Sorrow and yearning filled the Dwarf's eyes. "He didn't attack the ship I was on, his . . . crew did it. B-But they said . . ." Bilbo shook his head and shut his eyes tight, trying to cleanse his mind of the memory. Dwalin's hands tightened on his shoulders.

"What did they say, Bilbo?"

"A-Attercop will be happy with this one." If possible, the hands tightened even more. Dwlain sucked in a breath. Cautiously, Bilbo looked back at him. The Dwarf held a guarded look, now, as though calculating the risk of making a move. "What does he want with me?" Bilbo asked, his lip trembling.

"I don't know," Dwlain said softly. He leaned forward to press their foreheads together. "But we're not lettin' him get you, not even close." Bilbo huffed, a watery smile spreading across his face. "Now let's go get that food before Thorin gets mad at us."