Author's Note: This counts as your Valentine's Day chapter, kids.

Fun Fact: Some of the crackier lines said in this chapter were random lines that popped in my head as I wrote this chapter.

Disclaimer: I don't own One Piece, Victoria's Secret, Shoujo Beat, Spongebob, Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory, Conchita, Epicurian Daughter of Evil, Tumblr, Kim Kardashian, Edward Elric from Fullmetal Alchemist, Bon Iver, I Wanna Have Your Babies by Natasha Bedingfield, Sweden from Hetalia, Vince the Shamwow guy, Wuthering Heights, Charlie the Unicorn, Pokémon, Portlandia, Ovo by Cirque du Soeli, or anything else mentioned in this chapter.

One fine day, Mihawk was checking his mail.

"Bill, bill, Moria's porn, bill, Hancock's Victoria's Secret catalogue, jury duty, jury duty, more of Moria's porn, even more of Moria's porn, copy of Shoujo Beat, some more of Moria's porn, jury duty… What the hell is this?" Mihawk said as he came to an unmarked envelope. He opened it, revealing a golden ticket that said the following:

Congratulations!

You have been selected to tour the Wonka chocolate factory tomorrow! Bring a friend, OR WE WILL FIND YOU.

Spongebob Squarepants approves of this message.

"Okay… Then," Mihawk said before pulling out a hamburger phone. "Crocodile? We've been forced into a Willy Wonka parody."

On a certain submarine we use too much in this fic…

"Hmmm…." A certain, hipster Supernova we use too much in this fic said to himself as he looked at the golden ticket he got. "I'm sure a certain, hipster Supernova we also use too much in this fic will go with me."

"Why can't I go? Why does it always have to be your hipster girlfriend?" A certain bear we use too much in this fic cried.

"Because you're too mainstream," The hipster explained. On the Sunny…

"Why the hell is this happening?" Sanji cried. The Straw Hats sweatdropped.

"Did I leave the stove on?" Usopp wondered out loud. A few days later, at a "chocolate factory"…

"Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, Fishmen and Pwngoats, welcome to… The Wonka chocolate factory!" Iceburg introduced to everyone. The crowd cheered. "Now, let's meet our golden ticket winners!"

The Straw Hats walked on-stage, wearing their formal clothes from Strong World.

"I'm Monkey D. Luffy, and I brought my nakama!" Luffy intoduced himself to the crowd. "This meat factory will be so cool!"

"It's a candy factory!" The crowd shouted. Then, the Capricorns walked on-stage.

"Why the hell are they here?" Nami and Sanji cried.

"Your doorman died," Heathcliffe stated.

"Goddamn it! He was my mother's sister's best friend's uncle's brother's wife's daughter's sex slave's mailman's informant's agent! Now who's gonna jailbreak the Sunny's computer?" Sanji cried.

"Is that why Conchita, Epicurian Daughter of Evil plays whenever we're on Tumblr?" Franky asked the Straw Hats.

"I know Dr. Kureha's bra size!" Thierry drunkenly announced as the Shichibukai, the Supernovas, and the CP9 arrived.

"What the tuna salad?" Holden cried.

"Hi. I like to lick shoehorns," Capone greeted everyone. The group grew tense, save for Moria, who set something in his Easy-Bake oven on fire.

"FUUUUUUUUUUUUU –" Moria shouted.

"Anyway, head inside before we tow away your ships," Iceburg said.

"Because Kim Kardashian ain't GETTING ANY tonight!" Tyrannosaurus yelled from Iceburg's pocket. Iceburg looked down to his mouse. "The CD was under her desk."

"Is it me, or did that rat just speak?" Edward Elric asked everyone. Everyone gave strange looks to the short alchemist. "Excuse me, but I am not –"

"A whore," Chopper dubbed over Edward. Everyone was ushered inside to the lobby of the chocolate factory.

"Okay, now what?" Nami asked everyone. Enlai crossed his arms.

"Gimmie my Bon Iver CDs, and nobody gets hurt!" Enlai cried. Everyone sweatdropped.

"I wanna have your babies! Get serious, like crazy! I wanna have your babies! I see them springing up –" Karin sang to Kartik before Iceburg blew and airhorn. "Hfnghrrjigfhefgyh!"

Sweden from Hetalia then walked in for no reason.

"What are you doing here?" Iceburg asked Sweden.

"I'm a s'xu'l pr'd't'r," Sweden explained before he walked away. Everyone sweatdropped.

"Okay, then. Who wants to blow things up?" Iceburg asked everyone.

"I do! I do!" Chopper said.

"Well, we have no time to waste! Let's enter the chocolate factory!" Iceburg said.

"Sugoi! We're going to Candy Mountain!" Luffy said as they filed into the plain hallway leading to the factory.

"I want to see Vince the Shamwow Guy!" Dewey said excitedly, since this authoress can't remember the last time he spoke in this fic.

"We all do, little man," Sanji said.

"I love Wuthering Heights!" Doflamingo proclaimed. Law narrowed his eyes.

"You Nintendo DS game cartridge," Law said evilly.

"I don't give a chapstick," Doflamingo stated.

"People, do you want to see the chocolate factory or not? It's scrum-diddly-umptious," Iceburg said.

"That's what she said!" Sanji, Heathcliffe, Law, and Hancock shouted.

"Anyway, head inside," Iceburg said as he pushed everyone into a large room filled with empty boxes.

"The fuck is this?" Sanji shouted.

"I think we got sent to a box factory by mistake," Usopp pointed out.

"Just like in The Simpsons?" The Capricorns cried.

"Yes, guys, just like The Simpsons," Nami said. Everyone grew silent.

"Okay, now what?" Franky asked everyone. Bepo then walked up to everyone, dressed as a schoolgirl from the 50's.

"Bepo, what are you doing?" Law asked his pet bear.

"I was feeling done in, couldn't win
I'd only ever kissed before.
I thought there's no use getting into heavy petting
It only leads to trouble and seat wetting...

Now, all I want to know is how to go
I've tasted blood and I want more
I'll put up no resistance, I want to stay the distance
I've got an itch to scratch, I need assistance

Touch-a touch-a touch-a touch me, I wanna be dirty
Thrill me, chill me, fulfill me
Creature of the night.

Then, if anything grows while you pose
I'll oil you up and rub you down
And that's just –" Bepo sang before Law cut him off.

"Uh-uh! No, Sarah, sit!" Law shouted, (un)intentionally quoting Portlandia in the process.

"Isn't that from Portlandia?" Killer wondered out loud. Everyone grew silent as some not-nice people dragged Bepo away in the background.

"That really rustled my jimmies," Sanji commented.

"I hear ya, man," Daisuke said before the two fist-bumped.

"So… Is this the entire factory?" Luffy asked everyone.

"Looks like it," Zoro said.

"Can I have meat?" Luffy – predictably – asked everyone.

"Hell nah!" Everyone answered.

"We have to get out of here before the Ireland vs. France rugby game starts," Molly answered.

"Meh. We're gonna go see Ovo," Kaku said.

"Who gives a chapstick? We –" Mihawk shouted before Usopp cut him off.

"I give a chapstick," Usopp said as he pulled out a tube of chapstick.

"Who cares? We need to get out of here before the obligatory Valentine's Day jokes start!" Nami explained.

"Oooh, Nami-swan, oooh!" Sanji squealed. Sanji then turned to Heathcliffe. "Go get some. You're making me look like I'm on Viag –"

"No, Sarah, sit!" Law shouted again as Bepo streaked across the room.

"Meh," Heathcliffe said with a shrug. Aki grabbed Heathcliffe from behind.

"Sarutobi-kun, my precious baby!" Aki shouted lovingly. Heathcliffe turned around so that he was facing Aki.

"Oh, that is so fake!" Jyabura pointed out.

"Bitch, that's sexual harassment!" Kalifa told Jyabura as Heathcliffe and Aki began making out. Nami turned to the camera.

"Happy Valentine's Day. If you're not a lovey-dovey couple like Heathcliffe and Aki, you'll be fine. Just… Go watch The Hangover or something," Nami said before she got out her DS and played Pokémon Pearl. "Crikey! Hawkins killed my Persian!"

Hawkins, who was sitting on a box, sweatdropped.

"Whoops. I think I'm sitting on my DS," Hawkins said.

Ending Note: Happy Valentine's Day, everyone.

Review if you want to see Kidd and Killer run a day care, Zeff dressed as a panda, or if you want to see Moria become a giddy, little schoolgirl.