Chapter 36: Metamorphosis

A/N: SERIOUS, SERIOUS PROPS TO NYXAKO AND TIPSYRACONTEUR!

This chapter almost made me GIVE UP. I was stuck on the events of this chapter for SO LONG, long before I started writing it, and after listening to me whine and struggle, their springboard support helped me make sense and sift through the possibilities floating incoherently in my head.

I couldn't have done it without you both. Thanks guys! 3

It had been awhile.

They'd been traveling in utter silence for three days, moving faster since they were without any unnecessary items to slow them down. Orochimaru's base was still hours away, and Konohagakure even further, yet the moment the luscious trees of Fire Country had come into view and River Country was behind him, Kakashi's senses had been overwhelmed by the fondness he held for home.

It smelled like wet dirt and moss, a distinct smell of greenery and foliage rather than the smell of dry bamboo and barren trees. The air filtered through his mask as if it belonged to his lungs.

Fire Country, it seemed, especially the area immediately surrounding Konohagakure, never seemed to lose its liveliness, its color, even in the height of winter.

They had stopped for the night to make camp.

The sound of crackling wet wood and sputtering fire filled the silence of the forest, between Kakashi and his companion. The last time he had traveled through Fire Country, the heat of summer had been ebbing away into the coolness of fall.

The sound of cicadas had been all around then, calling to their mates in preparation for winter breeding.

Now, however, the cicadas had long retreated, and despite the familiar scent of home, Kakashi wished he could burrow away, just like the insects, and run from the one unwelcomed scent invading his homecoming.

Directly across from him, clad in all black, from hair, to eye, to toe, was Uchiha Sasuke, digging holes into Kakashi's chest, dissecting his guilt with a dark knowing eye.

"No," Sasuke and Kakashi concluded in unison, their voices stern and their expressions grim as they looked at each other.

Kakashi, Sasuke, and Sai stood evenly spaced away from each other in their typical meeting place within Takumi Forest.

If a single glance could manifest a deadly chidori, Kakashi felt that it was that very moment between he and Sasuke.

Sasuke knew. Kakashi was certain now. It only took a moment for him to feel it in the air when he'd arrived.

Yet Sai seemed to know better than to let that moment linger. He called the attention back to him as he repeated the mission goals, and Kakashi felt the relief in his chest.

"It is imperative that we gather as much accurate information from Orochimaru as possible," Sai stated calmly, as if he were entirely unaware of the tension between Kakashi and Sasuke.

"I can go alone. I don't need anyone else to go with me," Sasuke ground out, clearly irritated by the prospect of traveling in a group.

"Sakura is directly involved with the target and has more exposure to Masuyo than any of standing here. Sasuke, communication has never been your strong suit, and I think that Sakura will be able to formulate proper questions with her involvement."

"That's precisely why she can't go," interrupted Kakashi.

This time, Sasuke's stone-cold glare was directed straight at Sai as if he were staring at him to stand down and let go of his proposed plan.

Sai's head turned slowly towards Kakashi; he was unblinking and unsmiling as if to communicate Sai's message from last night.

My priority is the success of this mission, not to add to the chance for failure.

"Having two sets of ears will minimize the chance for miscommunication, and I stand firm on the notion that Sakura will be better suited to ask the appropriate questions."

Although Kakashi understood Sai's reasoning and purpose, he couldn't bring himself to allow it.

"The reason we are meeting here without her is because we've collectively agreed to withhold the target's death and that we have located Masuyo's compound. We were concerned that her emotional involvement with the target would lead to rash behavior; are you suggesting that your original source of caution has changed?"

His stern voice almost reminded him of his days as Hokage.

Sai remained silent. Kakashi felt Sasuke's gaze from his side.

"Besides," Kakashi sighed, purposefully softening his tone. "Given Sakura's involvement with the civilians of Takumi, it would also be much more obvious if she were to be taken out."

"Then what do you suggest? Surely you understand why I suggested her in the first place," said Sai, body and expression unchanging as if he were a slab of chiseled marble.

Kakashi paused for a moment. He raised his gloved hand to pinch his chin and gazed at the floor as he thought.

"Can we utilize the animals? They can communicate with their host regardless of location, can't they?" asked Sai.

He heard Sasuke scoff from beside them. Sai did not have a summons, and so it was unlikely that he truly understood how the contracts worked.

"Sakura's summon is similar to mine. Their presence requires our chakra. Given Aoda and Katsuyu's size and power, a small Katsuyu will not last if she is away from her host for too long or if she is significantly out of her range," countered Sasuke. He crossed his arms under his cape and looked up at Kakashi through the bangs of his hair.

"Perhaps Kakashi's dogs would serve us better. They're simple creatures that only need to be summoned," Sasuke continued, yet Kakashi couldn't help but feel as though Sasuke were slighting him and his ninken.

He felt irritation rise within him as he detected Sasuke's patronizing tone. It was though he were suggesting that Sakura's legendary contract placed her beyond Kakashi's reach.

Kakashi forced himself to continue in a cheery tone.

"I'd advise against sending my ninken with anyone but me on a mission like this. They don't have a contract with Sasuke-kun, and they would be hard for him to control."

"Don't call me that," he quipped irritably.

Kakashi turned and smiled under his mask.

"Sorry. Force of habit after all these years."

Again, Kakashi and Sasuke's eyes locked onto each other, feeling the electricity of their bitterness toward one another as they stared each other down.

"Where does that leave us then?" Sai asked. He seemed to be exasperated, but Kakashi didn't care to look. He was too busy matching Sasuke's staring contest.

"I'll go with him," Kakashi said without thinking, the words shocking him as soon as he spoke them.

Sasuke's glare did not change, yet Kakashi knew he could not back down nor take back his proposal, and there was no way he'd allow Sakura to go on this mission.

He had valid reasons for keeping her away, but Kakashi knew that above all of it was his fear that sending her would allow her to rekindle her relationship with Sasuke.

"I'm the second best choice given my involvement in this mission. I know all of Sakura's stories, I'm familiar with Sayuri and have seen Masuyo firsthand through observation. Sakura can deal directly with my boss since he's got a soft-spot for her, and I'll leave Pakkun to keep her company and in direct contact with me if something happens."

He watched Sasuke's eyes darken with this proposal.

Kakashi knew that Sasuke was no fool—Kakashi was putting his proximity to Sakura on full display, and there was no way that Sasuke could compete with it in this moment.

It seemed that all of the secrets left unsaid were visible in implication; all of them were entirely aware of it.

But because they were on a mission, none of them would speak plainly.

Yet Sasuke seemed to find a way to teeter on the edge of it.

"Curious," he began cooly, eyes lowering as his chin tilted back. "If your ninken are hard to control without your presence, why are you so willing to leave one with my wife?"

Kakashi smiled in response, closing his eyes as he shifted his weight to the side, displaying a sense of ease.

"We've been here for a quarter of a year, Sasuke. She has her own relationship with Pakkun at this point."

And it was the truth; he knew that Pakkun was too relaxed to do anything unadvised, and he'd be in direct contact with Kakashi anyway.

"And I won't leave her alone with Pakkun."

Kakashi broke away from Sasuke's piercing stare to turn to Sai.

"She's not in the clear here. Masuyo could return to Takumi at any time, and I need you to be present to make sure she's accounted for and safe."

Sai nodded once but seemed to be asking Kakashi with a single look if he was sure about his decision.

"The mission success comes first," Kakashi confirmed, both to let Sai know that he was aware of the risks, and to prevent Sasuke from tearing his head off the moment they departed. Kakashi was well aware of the risk—he knew that spending so much time with Sasuke meant a strong possibility of confrontation, but it was better than sending Sakura alone with him.

"Then let's go," Sasuke said calmly, likely suppressing any feelings of anger he held in the moment.

Kakashi swiveled on his foot and began to stroll towards Takumi.

"I've got to check in with Sakura-chan and prepare first. I can't just disappear. We leave tonight. Meet here."

And before Sasuke and Sai had the opportunity to say otherwise, Kakashi blinked away, leaving the two men with little choice but to accept.

As he sat by the fire, Kakashi pulled out his pack to produce pre-cooked fish and vegetables that Sakura had made for him in foil packs. It was a stack of foil packets wrapped in a pink silk handkerchief that was adorned with white flowers, knotted at the top to hold the packets in place. Kakashi looked at it warmly, grateful for Sakura's thoughtfulness, and unknotted the package. He glanced up briefly to see Sasuke observing the bundle in Kakashi's hands with a blank expression, leading Kakashi to wonder if Sasuke had brought any food for himself.

Kakashi took out two packets then leaned forward to place them at the edge of the fire, then rebundled Sakura's pack of food on his lap. Once he placed it in his big, Kakashi reset his position and hung his arms over his knees.

Since their departure from Takumi, the two of them had failed to utter a word; the gravity of their time together had settled into Kakashi's stomach, and any sort of possessiveness and ire that he felt from yesterday's meeting had melted away into nervousness and guilt.

Sakura's husband was sitting right across from him, staring at him intently as if to peel away any layers of this peaceful facade that Kakashi had established on this trip.

Sakura's scent was all around him: on the clothes that she had packed in his bag, on the sweater she had smothered before he left, on the dried saliva left on his neck when she'd tried to keep him through sensual kisses.

It had only been about five days since the initial union with Sakura, and since then, they'd essentially acted like rabbits, taking every opportunity they could get, even up to the moment of his departure.

What has Sasuke been thinking about? Kakashi wondered. He pondered over just how far they'd take the silent treatment, and whether or not Sasuke would seize the opportunity to accuse him of something he was actually guilty of.

If only Sasuke knew—and it was likely that he knew, but if he really knew just how far this affair was going—he'd definitely kill him on the spot.

And Kakashi felt that he probably would deserve it.

That morning, before the meeting, Kakashi had been sure to walk her to class, holding her waist tight as if to let her know that she could depend on him if she needed him.

It had been the first day of class since Sayuri's disappearance and he knew it would be tough on her—not only because Sakura would have to face Itsuki and her sensei's pained face, not only because the inevitability of a blow up, but because Sayuri's stool would remain forever empty.

Before he'd dropped her off, they stopped in front of the doorway to Studio 24. He felt her inhale deeply, calming herself with a drawn out exhale.

He placed his hand on the small of her back. Sakura's body was stiff in his hand, but she turned to face him, yet kept her eyes on the floor.

"Ready?" he whispered, placing his chin atop her strawberry hair.

"I have to be," she responded quietly, pulling away to look up at him with a forced smile.

"I'll be at home waiting for you," he replied with a smile, letting her slip away and lifting an arm to hand her the bag of her materials.

Sakura said nothing as she took her things. She only leaned forward to leave a ghost of a kiss on his cheek and then disappeared behind the studio door.

He waited for a moment, thinking of all the emotions that must've run through her the second Sayuri's desk came into view.

But there was nothing he could do for her.

Suddenly, from behind him, an unfamiliar voice spoke his name.

"Good morning, Akiyama-san," the man said as he walked by. He didn't pause for a response, didn't look up to meet him, only walked into the studio.

Wavy brown hair… blue eyes… without common courtesy… Kakashi thought. He must be Yuuto.

Kakashi thought that Yuuto was relatively handsome, and surprisingly, the only hope he had in that moment was that Yuuto could somehow support Sakura though whatever turmoil awaited her.

But, due to the stories Sakura had told him before, he knew he couldn't hope for much.

And when Sakura had returned that day, she had come home entirely sullen. Kakashi had prepared some bean sprout salad with tofu and miso soup. It was ready on the table for her when she arrived.

Over the course of their meal, he had discovered that the day proceeded normally—as if Sayuri's absence wasn't real despite the heavy looks on all of their faces.

She said that the only tangible indication that something was amiss was when Itsuki silently rose from his seat and left without a word.

"I don't know what I expected when I walked in, but I suppose it wasn't that," Sakura said.

When the conversation came to a lull, Kakashi knew that he had to tell Sakura about his side mission.

"Sakura, I need to tell you something."

"Hmm?" she asked, taking a sip of her tea as she looked up through her lashes.

"While you were in class, Sai and Sasuke summoned a meeting and I went ahead."

She paused, holding her teacup in place against her lips.

"Sasuke and I are leaving tonight to gather information from Orochimaru—to see what he knows about the Sound shinobi…"

His voice trailed off as he observed Sakura's frozen stature.

She spoke softly, her lips still grazing the rim of her cup.

"Why can't Sai go…?"

"He brought up a good point. You need to be here because you are more involved with the villagers than I am. Sasuke can't go alone because he's not very effective at communicating properly. It was proposed that I go with him to ensure the right questions are asked given my direct involvement with you and the mission."

There was a pause. Sakura lowered her cup to the table and closed her eyes as she thought. He watched her chew on her lip.

"Sai is going to stay in Takumi as your back-up, just in case Masuyo returns and something happens. I'll leave Pakkun with you too."

"And your job?"

"I need you to visit Zenhichi for me and tell him that you were sick last week and that I caught whatever sickness you had."

"Your class?"

"Didn't we discuss having me drop out anyway?"

Silence again. Kakashi knew that Sakura wanted to ask the hard question, but she was holding back.

He knew that she wanted to make sure that Kakashi wouldn't reveal their affair, but she wouldn't say anything.

"When will you be back?"

"In a few days. Without the cart, Sasuke and I can run at full speed to our destination. I'll have Sasuke use the rinnegan to bring us back here to avoid a longer absence. I'm sure he'll agree."

Kakashi tapped his chopsticks against his plate and placed his elbow on the tabletop. A million thoughts were running through his mind. He wondered if he should promise that he wouldn't say anything, but if Sasuke really knew something, Kakashi didn't know if he could lie his way out of it. He didn't want to tell her that either. He wondered if he should apologize and tell her that he understood what she must be feeling, knowing the kind of discomfort she'd face in having her husband travel with her illicit lover.

But before he could decide how to break the silence, Sakura broke it for them.

"I'll miss you," was all she said.

Kakashi looked up from his plate with surprise to see Sakura smiling softly at him, causing a smile of his own to form.

"I'll be back before you know it," he said quietly, putting the chopsticks down as he watched her rise from her chair and make her way around the table.

Kakashi leaned back on his chair and pushed it away from the table. Sakura recognized the invitation and sat on his lap, her arms curling around his neck as she made herself comfortable.

As he wrapped his arms around her waist, Kakashi couldn't help but bury his nose into her hair just right beneath her ear. Sakura pressed her cheek against his forehead as they sat in silence.

He wondered then, beneath his outward contentedness, just how Sakura was able to ignore something so worrisome and go straight into her affectionate role.

The ever-present doubt made its return in his chest, but it was quickly dispelled—or masked rather—by the soft lips trailing over his cheekbone.

"Take me before you go," she whispered, her hands crawling into his hair. "And then I'll help you pack…"

And Kakashi could do nothing but obey, not that he had it in him to object. Kakashi had moved her head with his nose, lifting her chin so that he could get to her neck.

"As if I could help myself," he said roughly, lapping her neck with his tongue before taking her soft skin into his mouth.

It would have been a step too far if he'd met up with Sasuke with the evidence of sex on his body. Sure, Sasuke didn't have the same olfactory senses that Kakashi had, but Sasuke's contract with Aoda did allow him a different approach to smell through taste and heat sensitivity.

He'd been sure to make it into the shower before summoning Pakkun and leaving the apartment, but even then, she'd followed him into the shower, ensuring they got their fill of each other before he disappeared for longer than she was used to.

Since the start of this mission, he and Sakura had only been apart for a few hours at a time. Even he was surprised to feel the attachment he'd developed for her, recognizing it not long after he left the perimeter of Takumi.

Kakashi was battling a paradox. He surely felt guilt as he sat across from Sasuke, but he also couldn't stop the slight feeling of dominance bubbling within his chest as he thought about his relationship with Sakura.

Sasuke's wife picked him…

But as he stared at the folded foil packets of fish on the floor, he forced himself to dismiss the thought because he knew that her choice could sway at any moment.

Kakashi picked up a stick and knocked the foil packets away from the fire. He tentatively reached down to touch the packet, yet before his fingers landed on it, Sasuke interrupted.

"It's hot enough."

"Thanks…"

And then, using the stick he had picked up, Kakashi began to flick the packet of food around the perimeter of the fire until it was close enough for Sasuke to reach.

"Here," Kakashi offered. "It's fish and vegetables."

Sasuke didn't reply. He picked up his own twig to move the packet away from the fire, staring at the packet intently as if it could reveal secrets that Kakashi wouldn't dare say.

Using the sleeve of his sweater, Kakashi reached down to retrieve his packet from the floor. He placed it on his lap as he carefully unfolded each packet without burning his fingers. Kakashi then picked up his chopsticks and began to eat.

Without looking, Kakashi knew that Sasuke hadn't even opened his packet. For a moment, he thought back to the days of Sasuke's genin days, the days in which he listened to nothing except for the bickering of Sasuke and Naruto as they sat by the fire after a long day of traveling.

How he wished that he could have that dynamic back.

And in the quiet tension of his meal, Kakashi thought back to the last time he'd been alone with Sasuke. It'd been over fifteen years—fifteen years since the end of the Fourth Shinobi War, and fifteen years since he'd let himself into Sasuke's jail cell. It had taken everything to convince Ibiki to let him return on his own, to speak to Sasuke not as the Rokudaime speaking to a prisoner, but as a man speaking to his younger reflection.

He remembered it clearly, the feeling in his chest as he descended into the depths of the dimly lit stone holding, the scent of rusted metal permeating the air.

He remembered the chakra seal over Sasuke's eyes as he approached the cell and leaned against the cage that was inadequately containing him.

"Sasuke," Kakashi murmured, keeping his eyes diverted from the unwelcomed sight of him in a bodysuit. "It'll be hard to convince the council and the Daimyo that you are worthy of forgiveness…"

A pause.

"Your involvement in the Akatsuki, even if it was for a short time, contributed to the resurrection of the Juubi and thus the devastating loss of over fifty thousand shinobi and countless civilians across the nations… As someone who cares about you, and as the Rokudaime, I'll try my best but I'm sure you understand how this looks."

Sasuke's head tipped downward as he listened to Kakashi speak.

"I need to hear it from you, Sasuke," he pleaded quietly, hoping that Sasuke would respond. "Why did you come home? Why now?"

"I… understand now," he grumbled, his body unmoving in his restraints. "Naruto said that I misunderstood Itachi's intentions… and I understand what Itachi wanted for me, why he left me alive, what he was trying to do after all this time."

Sasuke didn't explain himself further, but Kakashi understood that he couldn't have expected much more. Sasuke had never been overtly expressive, especially when asking him something so personal. Kakashi knew that he was lucky Sasuke had even told him that much.

"I've done a lot of wrongs," he continued, almost inaudibly. "And if Konohagakure can't accept me, I understand."

"And if you are released? What then?"

"I want to atone for my sins."

"How do you plan to do that?"

"Even if the council forgives my actions, the people of Konoha won't. I can't stay here, but I'll work on Konohagakure's behalf. My efforts will be better spent out on the field, fixing the damages I helped create."

"Even if the council doesn't recognize this, the fact that you came to Konoha willingly and complied with being sealed means you're serious. Even I know that you could break free and escape if you wanted to."

And then there was a passing silence. Kakashi thought about his words, understanding that Sasuke's presence in the village would be the same as allowing people throw rocks at him. He was right; it would be better if he'd left, at least for awhile.

But there was one unresolved problem that came with that proposition…

"What about Sakura?" he wondered, slightly in disbelief that he'd ask this question to begin with.

"I don't deserve the love she has for me."

For a moment, Kakashi remembered the sight of Sasuke charging at Sakura, putting her under genjutsu, and the sudden anger that overtook Kakashi's body when the attack registered in his psyche.

"She wants you to be happy, Sasuke."

"I don't even know what that word means anymore."

"What if she helps you find it?"

Finally, Sasuke's body seemed to stir. He shifted uncomfortably in his restraints, his head turning away towards the back wall as he spoke.

"Kakashi," Sasuke began regrettably. "I can't be the man she wants me to be."

Kakashi sighed as he turned to lean his back against the metal gate, thinking of all the trials Sakura put herself through on Sasuke's behalf. Maybe that was true, but it seemed that she had an unlimited source of strength when it came to him.

"If that mattered to her," Kakashi insisted. "She would have let you go a long time ago."

He swore that he heard the tiniest of sighs escape Sasuke's lips, but he had no reply.

"Even if you won't admit it to me or yourself, Sasuke, I know that she's an important person to 've always let her get close to you, and we both know you could have killed her if you wanted to."

"I almost did…" Sasuke ground out. Kakashi could hear the anguish in his voice. It was a rare moment in which Uchiha Sasuke allowed himself to feel his regret and sorrow.

Kakashi sighed heavily, wishing that neither of them were in this predicament, that things could have unfolded differently for Sasuke and Sakura. He wished that they could find happiness, and he felt that perhaps together they'd have the best chance—that is, if Sasuke would allow it.

"You said you wanted to atone your sins… if you weren't one of my important people, I wouldn't be here, fighting for you to get out. But Sakura is important to me too—you both are. Sakura loves you; see to it that your intentions are clear before you allow her to get too close to you. If you choose to try and atone your sins against her, do it right."

Again, Sasuke had no reply, but Kakashi wanted him to understand. If he was going to allow Sakura to love him, Sasuke had to be sure he'd proceed with caution.

Sakura had been through enough too.

"I loved someone once," Kakashi admitted, hoping that Sasuke would understand if he revealed himself as an example. "I committed a fatal sin against her and I was never had the chance to make it right."

Kakashi kicked himself off of the gate and stood straight, readying himself to leave the holding.

"You have that chance… Don't waste it."

Yet before Kakashi had a chance to walk even three feet away from Sasuke's cell, he heard Sasuke's voice calling with a final question.

"Who was she?"

Without looking back, Kakashi sighed, heaving his shoulders as he readied himself to reveal one of the greatest sources of his pain.

"Her name was Rin. She was the only teammate I had left, and I killed her with my chidori."

Kakashi began to pick at the vegetables left in his foil packet.

For a moment, the vision of his arm slicing through Rin's chest crossed his mind, and the usual heaviness of that memory plagued his own chest.

He'd forgiven himself. Obito had forgiven him, and he knew that Rin had made that choice—yet he couldn't help but think once more of the parallel between he and Sasuke.

It was destroying him to think about just how similar he and Sasuke really were, even down to the agony of losing family and killing those most precious to them.

It destroyed him to think that it could have been Sakura had he not been there to intercept.

Alerted by the rustle of a pack and the rattling of items, Kakashi looked up to see Sasuke emptying three food pills from a plastic container.

"You don't want to eat real food?" Kakashi asked with concern. "Sakura made it."

Yet as soon as the words slipped out, Kakashi realized that perhaps it would have been better if he hadn't said them at all.

Sasuke scoffed lightly, then picked up the packet to toss it at Kakashi's feet.

"You eat it," he growled. Then he threw up his hands to stuff the pills into his mouth, chewing first before taking a swig from his canteen.

"Make sure you eat out there," said Sakura in his mind. The image of her smiling by the kitchen counter, holding the pink bundle of food replayed in his memory.

She made it for him and had never mentioned Sasuke.

Sasuke must've known; he must have known the moment he saw the pink handkerchief wrapped around the foil packets. Sakura was Sasuke's wife after all, and it was likely he'd received countless food packages just like this one during the few times he'd come home from a mission and left.

Yet here she was preparing mission meals for another man…

Fuck! Kakashi thought. He'd offered Sasuke the meal out of concern, out of a sense of camaraderie, but it was just another example of his carelessness, Sakura's carelessness.

And to Kakashi, Sasuke's rejection of the meal seemed to him as though Sasuke was saying, I'm not going to share her with you…

Kakashi looked up at Sasuke, wondering what kind of emotions Sasuke must be going through as a result of Kakashi's actions. Back then, when he'd spoken to Sasuke in the jail cell, he truly wanted happiness for Sasuke… for Sasuke and Sakura. Perhaps even he was under an illusion—just like Sakura—that Sasuke could become someone that he wasn't, someone who could be rehabilitated like Kakashi.

How was it that a boy so similar to him—a boy who lived a life so much like his own could have ended up on an entirely separate path?

When Sakura kissed him that night in the bathroom, the night she'd come home from having sex with her husband, he remembered the severity of the guilt he'd felt the next day, the heaviness of the realization that both Sakura and Kakashi had been marked by the Uchiha name.

As he listened to Sasuke put his container of food pills away, he remembered understanding then that Sasuke was a victim of his name too… that he never asked for any of this to happen.

What was he doing snatching away one of the few people that could have been Sasuke's salvation? He'd asked himself then, and he was asking it to himself now.

He felt his eyebrows tighten into a tangled knot. His chopsticks were hovering above the food packet, frozen in place.

I didn't end up on your path because love saved me…

He remembered the day the Sandaime ordered him to become a sensei for a group of wild academy graduates, the day Hiruzen explicitly told him that he believed a team would save Kakashi's hardened heart from the darkness he found within Anbu.

And he was right.

Team 7 was my salvation.

Kakashi felt his emotions crashing into him like a meteorite. Slowly, Kakashi drew his head up to take in the image of his beloved student across from him.

Luckily, Sasuke was no longer looking at him, only rustling within his belongings, distracted as Kakashi allowed his affection for Sasuke to take over.

Sasuke, he thought to himself. You were one of the people who saved me, who allowed me to feel again, even if you didn't mean to…

Kakashi's eyes began to sting as he watched him. It was like he was looking at himself in the mirror, a shell of who he used to be. Sasuke was the physical neo-embodiment of all the turmoil and anguish that Kakashi allowed to haunt himself in his younger years.

Their circumstances were different, but the experience was so incredibly similar.

Unlike Sasuke, Kakashi was able to molt out of his shelled prison. He allowed others to tear him out, to show him that there was more to life than just sorrow.

But Sasuke was trapped in his shell and even though he let people near, even if he seemed to be moving through the motions of life, Sasuke was stuck.

Sasuke allowed himself to stay within his shell—protecting his heart from threats that he created.

"Don't waste it…" he'd said to Sasuke those fifteen years ago.

Why did you waste your chance to find happiness, Sasuke-kun?

And before he knew it, Kakashi heard his voice calling out to the vision of the boy across from him.

"Sasuke," Kakashi managed to say, his mouth running before his mind had it in him to stop. "Do you remember the conversation we had in the jail cell when we came home from the war…?"

Sasuke let go of his pack and sat up straight to look at Kakashi. His eyes squinted as he placed both hands on his knees.

"What about it?"

This was it. Kakashi knew he was running straight into confrontation, but he couldn't do anything to stop himself.

I'm sorry, Sakura…

"Do you remember when I said that Sakura wanted you to be happy…? You told me that you didn't know what the word meant."

Kakashi's eyes were wide—cold from the tears that he felt collecting at the edge of his eyes.

"Do you… still feel that way? Did you ever find your happiness?"

Sasuke's eyebrows scrunched for a moment. He was guarded, likely confused by Kakashi's moment of bravery, even as Kakashi's tear-rimmed eyes threatened to reveal every vulnerability against the man whose wife he was pining for.

But Kakashi would not falter; he stared back at Sasuke with determination, waiting for an answer, even if he didn't know why he was doing this, or what exactly he was hoping to hear.

His heart was controlling him without any caution, and there was nothing he could do.

And when Sasuke did not answer his question, Kakashi simply asked another, hoping to get anything out of him.

"Do you feel like you were able to atone your sins with Sakura?"

His voice was small—deep and that of a mans, but small and possibly even afraid.

Kakashi watched Sasuke's eyebrows unfurl, his facial features straighten and calm.

"I tried."

And those words were enough to send Kakashi back into his protective state.

Did you really, Sasuke? Did you really try to be there for her?

It seemed as though Kakashi would never be free from this carousel of emotions. Even as he thought he'd made a decision, there was always something ready to pull him back into confusion.

Because the moment he thought he was empathizing with Sasuke, he found himself ready to run back, ready to defend Sakura's happiness, and take her into his arms.

If he wouldn't take his happiness, if he wouldn't help Sakura find it, then Kakashi would.

"Sensei," Sasuke exhaled, his black and purple eyes burrowing into Kakashi's heart as he stared directly into him.

The word shocked him. It'd been years since Sasuke had last referred to him as sensei.

Did it have a purpose? Was he going to slap him in the face with his position, to remind him of the taboo of a sensei falling in love with his student?

Kakashi braced himself. He walked straight into this conflict, and he knew that he'd opened the doors for confrontation the moment he'd called Sasuke's name.

"You told me you'd failed once—to atone your sins against the woman you loved and killed."

Kakashi didn't know what he was expecting, but it hadn't been that. He felt his guard lowering slightly.

Where was he going with this…?

But Kakashi should have known better.

He watched Sasuke tilt his head back, his voice deceptively calm, his lips creeping open as he released the words he never, ever expected to hear, something far, far, far worse and more painful than a confrontation.

The tear that had been threatening to fall this entire time had finally fought its way past the threshold the moment Sasuke had hissed those words.

All it took was one short sentence. One sentence to re-open every single wound that Kakashi thought he'd allowed himself to heal. One sentence to jolt him back into reality. One sentence to send Kakashi running back into the same protective shell he thought he'd shed.

As it turned out, he and Sasuke weren't that different after all...

Or maybe it was that they were entirely different...

It only took one phrase for him to consider it.

Sasuke stood up and off of his log, readying himself to walk away from their camp before saying his final words.

"Kakashi," he uttered mercilessly, his voice the equivalent of daggers.

"Sakura isn't your Rin."

A/N 1:

Metamorphosis (n):

ONE: A typically marked and more or less abrupt developmental change in the form or structure of an animal (such as a butterfly or a frog) occuring in subsequent to birth or hatching - the metamorphosis of caterpillars into butterflies.

TWO: The process of transformation from an immature form to an adult form in two or more distinct changes; a change of form or nature of a thing or person into a completely different one, by natural or supernatural means.

A/N 2: People have mentioned to me that previous chapters caused them to cry, but not once has one of my chapters led me to tears... until now! I don't think it'll have the crying effect on other people this time. The only reason it made me cry was because the very last line of this story came to me about 60% of the way through and the heaviness hit me like bricks... I just felt so sad for Kakashi. I wrote the rest of the story with those words repeating in my head, and Kakashi's devastation just lingering...

Anyway, until next time, and thank you all for your continuous support~