Chapter 34- Forgiveness
New Year's Day, and Holiday break were both over, and I still hadn't gone to the Cullen house. Though I did receive several visits from Ness, Bella, and Alice. They all hated the separation but didn't ask me to return. I was grateful for that.
We returned to the hell of a school and back into routine as seamlessly as the other students even though we went through more than they could imagine.
Even though I missed the days that I spent working with the others, there was a plus side. I got to spend a lot more time with Phillip. He was so satisfied with being glued to my side that I had no more fears of him wanting to be a vampire. Every weekend he spent with me and every night during the week I would sneak in his window and stay with him until he fell asleep.
"Do you think that you'll ever come back?" Ness asked randomly at lunch one day.
This caused Phillip to roll his eyes. Apart from Bella, Ness, and Alice he wasn't really too fond of vampires anymore.
I grabbed his hand waiting for him to relax before I spoke. "I'm not sure Ness. I can honestly say that I am not upset about it anymore, but they have to trust me enough to want my help."
"This is stupid." she groaned. Ness was my main defender these days. She was spending most of her free time at my house too. I didn't like that she was separating herself from her family. Unity was one of the main things they needed to make this work. But when I expressed my concerns she simply said, "You're my family too. My loyalty lies in what is right not who I'm related too. My mom understands you should too." I left it alone after that.
"I wish things would just go back to the normal." She sighed.
"Nothing is ever normal with you two." Phillip pointed out.
"You know what I mean."
"Yeah, well you could always just get Asima to make them all forget she even said anything." he laughed. I gave him a slight nudge with my elbow. "Ow" he whispered even though I knew that it didn't hurt him.
"He has a point you know?" Ness thought. "That is an option. I wonder if it would work on mom?"
"That is never an option. I can't use dishonesty to rebuild trust. If they are going to trust me it needs to be on their own accord, the way it should be." The bell rang ending lunch, and ironically the conversation too.
Going straight to my house after school was becoming a new routine. Alice being there upon our arrival was beginning to be one as well.
"Hello Alice." Phillip greeted opening the front door. "You could have just let yourself in you know."
"Last time I did that they could hear you scream all the way in Vermont." She laughed skipping in behind us. Phillip groaned.
"You have an 'all access' pass" I seconded floating down on the pillow I put on the floor.
"I like that." she smiled sitting on the pillow across from me.
"We'll be in the theatre." Ness said disappearing with Phillip.
"So, what would you like to work on today?" She asked pulling her legs closer to her.
"How about the wolves? You'll need to be able to see their decision outcomes too."
After three hours of trying to see around Jacob and Seth's decisions she gave up rubbing her temples.
"It's hard. They're just so different. Everything around them turns blurry or disappears completely."
I could empathize with her. Even though I was able to see vampires, wolves, and half vampires with the same crystal clarity humans gave me trouble. But now, a thousand headaches and hours later, if I wanted to, I could see every decision Phillip made before he himself chose.
"You'll get it" I encouraged with confidence.
"Will I get it in time to be useful? That's the question." she sighed getting up.
"You will." I promised getting up too and walking towards the back door.
We got to the back door before I spoke breaking the silence. "So, how is everyone?" I asked casually.
"They're alright. Bella can shrink just about all of us in a shield. Jasper's doing a great job training us all." She hesitated. "They are starting to get a little worried. I'm seeing things in Italy clearer now. The guard is growing, by five so far."
I sighed, "I've seen it too."
"Edward has also been fighting with the decision to come and see you." She added. "And Emmett."
"I've seen that too." I said in the same indifferent voice I had with the previous comment. Then another quick glance in the future caught my eye. "And Jasper too it seems." Alice had a talk to Jasper planting a small seed deep within his cerebellum that has been growing since. "You didn't have to do that Alice."
"Vampires tend to be very stubborn." She laughed, pulling the corners of her lips into an angelic smile. "Besides I didn't say anything I didn't mean. If it were me you saw in that vision instead of you they wouldn't have believed it. Not even in I were sitting in a fourth throne. The vision you showed me could mean anything and I think that we shouldn't worry about it until it happens."
"I'm not." I told her. I saw another vision of Jasper in the clearing with the others. He was pacing almost impatiently. "Now get back. The others will be waiting soon."
"I know, I know." She said walking past the tennis courts before breaking into a full run. "Tell Ness to come home when she's ready." She called a distance away.
I couldn't pay attention to the movie we were watching. I just kept looking at the time. It was getting late, and I knew that if Ness didn't leave within the next few minutes her family would be worried. The last thing I needed was for her family to think the worst. Thankfully the movie was in its last thirty minutes, it was too late for her to run home so I would have to drop her off.
That's going to be awkward. I thought to myself looking at my watch for a fifth time.
"Is something wrong?" Phillip whispered noticing my fidgeting.
" No. I'm fine." I whispered. I looked at another five minutes of the movie before I felt my body tense up. I could see Edward racing off the highway towards my house. Great. I thought to myself before raising out of the chair.
"What is it?" Ness asked after I crossed in front of her to head towards the door.
"Edward is coming. You should have been home by now." I informed in a scolded whisper.
"Alice said come home when I was ready." She argued not wanting to get up.
"Should I come with you?" Phillip asked not really wanting to see Edward but not wanting to leave me facing an angry parent alone.
"No just finish the movie." I looked at Ness who was still firmly planted in her seat. "Sure just sit there Ness." I said sarcastically. "It's your father, I'm not getting yelled at alone."
"You said finish the movie." She groaned.
"Him not you. Come on I hear him in the driveway."
She groaned getting out of her seat.
I opened the door to a silent Edward exiting his car. I wasn't overcome by the expected feeling of animosity but one of attrition. "I was going to drive her home after she finished the movie. I'm sorry I worked with Alice later than I thought I would today." I apologized.
"Don't be mad at Asima. I wasn't ready to come home yet and Alice said to take my time so we watched a second movie." Ness defended taking Edward's silence as a chance to explain.
I need to speak with you… His thoughts requested softly. "Nessie you can go finish the movie, no one is upset." He explained.
She looked at me for reassurance. I gave her a quick nod. She shrugged before running back into the house at top speed to catch the rest of the movie.
I could hear Ness asking Phillip to rewind the parts she missed before Edward's voice covered theirs. "I know she's safe with you. I wasn't worried about her being here this late. I just… wanted to get a chance to¾"
"I know. I've see you dancing back and forth with this decision for days. I forgave you a while ago."
"Well I am sorry just the same."
Silence was screaming with discomfort. "They want you to come back you know…" He blurted out.
"I know… They are worried because of the guard growing. I've seen that too." I finished leaning against Phillip's car.
"Yes-No- I mean." He took a deep breath. "Yes the guard is growing, and yes it worries us, and the others do have self preservation in mind. But for my family, Maggie, and some of the others, they trust you. We can't do this without you."
"Yes you can, you are all far enough along to win." Would they lose a lot in the process, yes.
"Ok well let me rephrase, no one wants to do it without you. You're the reason that we even stand the small chance that we do have."
The feeling I got remembering the initial rejection hurt like it just happened. Then, stacked on top of that was anger, angry with myself for letting it happen, for not keeping my mouth shut. Anger with them for not trusting me even though I was bending over backwards to earn it. And stacked on those feelings weighing heavier was an ache, I truly missed the others. I was lucky I was able to still spend time with Alice, Ness, and Bella, but I missed the jokes with Emmett, the strategic chats with Jasper, and Esme. Oh, how I missed Esme's constant inviting warmth.
All of these feelings mixing together was foreign to me. I didn't like feeling uncomfortably torn, "I'll be back to help." I promised.
"Thank you." I could hear Phillip's thoughts through Edward's mind. They weren't too nice. Edward sighed, "I suppose I deserve that."
"He's just mad, I'll talk to him." I sighed smiling. "He's just being a boyfriend."
"I have to give him credit. He's more honorable than most boys his age. He hasn't had a single unchivalrous though about you since I have been around him. He always controls his thoughts when they include you."
"Really?" I was slightly surprised. "I mean I know he's a good guy. But he's still a guy." I figured he had to at least catch himself from time to time.
He started remembering Phillips extra effort to retell my leaving to Edward without showing my body. I was immediately gracious of his control. "Oh wow."
"You never noticed?" He asked me skeptically.
"No, I don't read his mind without permission. I try to keep us as even as possible."
He nodded in understanding, I could hear them debating on putting in a third film. "It's getting late." he said after hearing the same.
It was after one, "Yeah it is." Phillip needed to go home too before his parents started worrying.
I watched Ness skip to the car after knowing that Edward and I made up. I kissed Phillip goodbye promising that I would be in his room before he fell asleep.
When I got to his house he was wide awake just dress for bed. I leapt through his second story window effortlessly and silently. "You are going to fight again aren't you?" He sighed laying next to me.
"They need me Phillip." I explained hugging him tighter. "I won't get hurt I promise."
"I know, I just don't see how you can just go back to the way things were." He sighed resentful.
"We forgive the ones we care about. Immortals make mistakes too, and forever is a long time to hold a grudge."
He mumbled something about 'not deserving' and I kissed him. "Stop honey. If I messed up you would forgive me in a heartbeat."
"It's different." He grumbled.
"No it's not. I didn't trust you enough to tell you my secrets at first. Yet you forgave me, because you love me." He started to argue again trying to find my eyes in the darkness. I stopped him kissing him on the lips again. "Forgiveness."
He sighed, "I love you dear."
"I love you too." I whispered. I remained silent waiting for him to fall asleep. I didn't like him being upset. I know it wasn't going to be easy for him to fall out of the habit of not being with me every second of every day. I would make sure he got more time with me then than the old weekends only.
After sneaking back out of his room at three in the morning I found myself still wide awake. There was only one place that I could think of going this late.
"Hello dear." Esme said opening the door for me.
"Hello Esme." I greeted hugging her.
She's back! Seth mentally screamed running down the stairs. "Hey Asima!"
"Hey Seth." I missed him too. I was surprised that he didn't come around when Alice and Bella did. Warm arms immediately replaced Esme's cool ones.
"Are you back, back?" he asked after releasing me.
"Yes¾I think I am." I smiled at his oddly structured question. "Do you feel like coming to the clearing with me? I haven't practiced shields in forever."
"Uh…" He thought about it for a minute he was heading to bed when I came. I started to tell him another that another time would have been fine but cut me off.. "Sure, give me a sec." He said running upstairs to put on some shoes.
Emmett and Jasper appeared at the foot of the stairs as soon as Seth went up. They were silent, mentally trying to find a way to apologize. I didn't want to be hit with the same wave of emotions that I almost drowned in earlier with Edward. I used Japer's own talents against him relieving his guilt, "I know. It's okay. You guys don't have to say anything." Jasper nodded in understanding, while Emmett just grinned.
The others were also a lot more welcoming than I expected them to be. Alice wasn't at all surprised when she came from the clearing with Kate to see me sitting in the living room. "Welcome back." She smirked, before doing a solo promenade across the room to Jasper.
"Ready?" Seth panted coming back down the stairs.
"Are we going somewhere?" Carmen's silken voice queried.
"Oh, no, I was just going to the clearing. I haven't unwound in weeks." I explained heading towards the back door.
Shielding Seth in his wolf form wasn't as difficult as I thought it would be. I watched the sandy brown wolf dart around in a blue shield that fit close enough that I could still see his fur blow in the wind. His mind was going a thousand miles an hour beneath the silent conversation we were having.
How far out would you like me to go?
I would say no farther than two miles. I won't be able to shield you that far out. I explained, when he was out of my sight quickly climbed up the ninety foot sycamore to get a better view to shield.
So when do we go get the others…? He asked heading north in a straight line.
We won't need to get them until the Volturi know. I didn't want them to leave La Push exposed too long.
Oh…okay… His mind ran over another thousand thoughts and questions, none necessarily directed at myself so I just listened.
He was telling Jacob to un-phase, he was curious to know what we were up to.
Butt out Jake! Seth threatened.
Just making sure she wasn't beating you up too bad. He laughed.
We're not fighting, now phase back!
Awe you two want to be alone? He laughed making kissing noises in his head.
I laughed entering Seth's mind. You guys know that I can hear you right?
Even though Jacob was surprised he found it humorous. Ha!
Seth was embarrassed about it yet still wondering, How can you hear, I'm over three miles away from you?
I had just realized that same fact. Hmm, I don't know. I can still shield you too. Hasn't flickered out at all! I thought amazed.
Probably because we're werewolves. Jacob guessed smug.
Maybe, I answered him before I directed back to Seth. Keep going Seth, I want to see how far I can go. I requested.
Okay. I remained quiet concentrating on Seth and our growing distance.
I'm going out too, incase he goes too far, you'll need to call him back, I can follow your scent no problem. Jacob thought running in my direction.
Good idea.
Seth's thoughts were disappointed about it, but kept running.
Seth was at mile six and still clear when Jacob got to me. I listened to his thoughts approaching.
"The others are coming? Why?"
Curious about your range. Jacob stated obviously.
"Oh"
Seth was at mile ten by the time everyone except for Bella showed up.
Still clear? he asked checking with Jacob to make sure that he wasn't running for no reason.
I can still hear you. I told him.
"Is she still shielding?" Carlisle asked Edward not wanting to break my concentration.
"Yes Carlisle, he's not too far yet." I answered.
"Amazing," Edward approved, "I can't go past five miles."
Alice's vision flowed into my line of sight. Bella was running to us.
"Bella's coming." Alice and I said in unison. I looked down from my branch and everyone was looking at me. I tipped my head to Alice so that they would direct their attention to her instead of me.
"Something happened when she was working on her shields. Nothing from Italy." She added and everyone relaxed.
Edward's thoughts were still worried.
Seth was at mile sixteen when Bella got to the rest of us. His thoughts were starting to get softer, he would dim out completely within another mile or so.
"Something is wrong with my shields," she rushed frantically looking up at me from the base of the tree.
"What happened Bella?" I asked still relaxed.
"I was in the attic, it's where I go to think. I tried to bring my shield up and nothing. I tried every object up there and nothing completely blank." She was really worried.
Seth was completely dim now. I sighed, "Eighteen miles, not bad." I said to myself. "Jacob, Seth can come back now." I told him.
"Eighteen miles?" Bella asked confused. "What does that have to do with me not being able to bring up a shield.
I sighed again looking down at her. "You tried to shield inanimate objects? That's not how your shields work Bella."
"Then how do they work?" She asked a little more calm.
I pushed myself off of the branch climbing back down. When I was thirty feet from the ground I jumped the rest of the way landing on my feet softly. "Bella, you can't shield inanimate objects. They're not living." I explained leaning against the tree.
She can shield the vamps, Jacob reminded me, They aren't what I would call living.
Edward let out a small laugh hearing his thoughts and I merely gave him a patient smile before amending my statement. "Yes, you're right Jacob. Vampires aren't alive. Let me rephrase, she can't shield things that lack a soul."
"We have souls?" Carlisle stated in serene amazement.
The term "soulless monster" was circulating in each perplexed thought. Apparently everyone questioned whether or not their soul was lost during their transformation into vampire life.
"You have a soul Carlisle." I affirmed , "All of you do."
Even us? Zafrina thought to herself. Even the ones that feed off of humans?
"Yes, even the ones that drink human blood." I said aloud to answer not just her thoughts.
"You're sure Asima?" Esme asked wanting it to be true.
"She isn't lying." Maggie confirmed.
Esme looked like she wanted to cry. "Bella when we shield others what do you see besides the colors of the shield?"
"White lights," She answered figuring things out. "lights, all with a different essence. I can tell each of them apart from the others…" Her amazed voice trailed off.
"Exactly."
"I need to head back, the sun will be up soon and I need to get dressed for school." I stated when Seth came back. "Thanks for your help Seth."
"Your welcome."
"We need to get back too, Renesmee will be up soon." Bella agreed following us back to the house.
This information hit Edward harder than anyone else. I could tell that he had been battling with himself for over a century. For decades I have been wondering if the efforts I put forth… I blocked him out on the run back giving all of them their privacy to adjust to their realizations. I didn't enter back until Edward's thoughts became too loud to ignore, pulling me back in.
It matters Edward, it's all worth it. I answered to only him.
Thank you, sincerely. He tipped his head to me. I nodded before watching him go into his home.
I had forgiven my friends for their moments of uncertainty towards me, I felt better. Now I was wishing for Edward to have the same moment of forgiveness for himself.