Wheeler-Bell Thirty-Six
Wheeler-Bell 37:The Smith-Rhodes Duplication
In which the illogic of there being two Johannas is further explored and a younger relative of hers might even make a cameo appearance. (No promises: I haven't even begun the chapter yet and all I've got is a rough plot and a few vague ideas to fit together… see "Notes Dump" for glimpses into the way my horrible mind works). I hope I haven't bodged or winged the resolution of the double-Johanna conundrum too much. This should fit the continuity, such as it is. Or was. Or will be.
Empirical Crescent, Ankh-Morpork
"Apparently there was a minor earth-tremor shortly after the Crescent was built." Ponder Stibbons explained. "So much of this city is built over other things that were here before, you see. There are apparently lots of tunnels, mines, earthworkings and so on underneath the surface and they haven't been mapped out yet. Err. That makes things a little less stable, sometimes, than we might like. We live with that. Anyway, things had been perfectly normal until the earth tremor. Then they started getting a bit strange. Err."
His listeners accepted this.
"Sounds kinda familiar". Howard Wolowitz observed. "From somewhere."
"Wonder where Johanna went to?" Amy Farrah-Fowler said. "Strange she went like that without leaving a message."
She frowned.
"Sheldon, you were with her…"
It sounded like an accusation. Everybody looked at Sheldon Cooper. He frowned, assuming an aura of unjustly injured innocence.
"Really. As I have said, at some length, she went out of that rather strange window, the one on the top floor that looked out on a vista at ground level, to call her dogs back. She did not return. Perhaps she is still looking for her dogs."
Ponder winced. Windows, in a magically-charged environment, could lead anywhere. He was a wizard. Some things came with the staff and the pointy hat. At least this time he'd been forewarned and had a very good idea as to where, or rather when, that particular window had opened to.
"We might not see her for a day or two..." he said.
++Doctor Smith-Rhodes has been unavoidably detained elsewhere.++ HEX said, speaking from a laptop. ++She is in no danger and there is no cause for concern.++ At present she has other matters to attend to.++ Lord Vetinari has arranged for Miss Ruth N'Kweze to be relieved of her duties at the Guild School to act as your guide, and I will bring her here presently.++ There is one other Assassin who will make herself known to you, and she is to be trusted.++She is keen to meet you, in fact.++ Other Guild members have been instructed to look out for you and to be helpful and supportive.++ Assassins you encounter will be friendly and accommodating.++
"Well, that's reassuring." Raj said.
Ponder winced. Assassin fees for escort and bodyguard services were not cheap. He wondered how Ridcully would react to the invoices landing on his desk requesting prompt payment.
++Professor Stibbons, such Assassin contract fees as will accrue will be dealt with.++I am taking measures.++In any case, Doctor Bellamy is volunteering her services pro-bono, as she is professionally intrigued by the situation, and keen to meet Doctor Rostenkowski-Wolowitz on a professional-peer basis.++
HEX did not elaborate. Ponder was not reassured, wondering how HEX would manipulate finance on his own world and how legal or ethical this was going to be.
++Doctor Koothrappali, I should advise you that the Emeritus Professor of Astronomy at Unseen University has asked to meet you.++Both Lord Vetinari and Arch-Chancellor Ridcully consider this would be a good idea.++
"Why not? You can see how we do things on this world." Ponder said. "We've got an observatory at the University."
An idea struck him.
"You never know." Ponder mused. "It might be interesting to see if you can work out the distance between here and Roundworld – the Earth – by the direct route. Just how far it is. Out of interest."
Raj said he'd be really interested. Being on the surface of a different planet and looking up into different skies – well, he'd have to be dumb not to take the opportunity.
After a while they went back to checking out the freaky things going on in the basement. Amy was down there. Dealing with things. In her own way.
Short Street, Ankh-Morpork.
"The way it works out, m'dear, a complete deep-clean of the premises will cost a couple of hundred dollars and last two or three days, but there's no helping it. It's got to be done." Joan Sanderson-Reeves said.
"Keep the invoices and receipts for the accountants to offset against tax, of course. Got a chap coming round, to measure for shelving and storage facilities. Now for the volume of work we'll be doing, we need to sit down and make a plan…"
Penny was oddly surprised at how easily all this sort of thing was coming to her once she stopped to consider the logic of it. As she said to Joan, it all appeared to boil down to raw materials in at this end. Preparation here. Cooking here. Cooling the product, packaging, storing it, then shipping it to grocery stores. Flow. Throughput. And hey, we got a long rectangular space. Reckon we can do everything in order, from one end of the place to the other.
"I can see you're thinking this out, m'dear." Joan said. She paused to look at a couple of the cleaning team, in a benevolent sort of way that still managed to communicate that they were being watched. Work duly picked up. Joan nodded and moved on. Penny smiled at the cleaners.
"Great job, guys. Appreciated." she said.
Penny had often wondered about starting her own business. She couldn't be a waitress working for somebody else forever. And there was a remote possibility, appalling thought it was to contemplate, that she might not make it big as an actress after all. She needed a fall-back position. But up until now, the only attempt she'd made had been the abortive home crafting business, making fascinators and fashion accessories. And that had only worked because the guys had pitched in and generously provided unpaid labour. Lots of unpaid hard work. She felt she still owed them for that. Still, she'd learnt a lesson in how not to do it. Useful.
And here she was, looking at a bank of industrial-sized baking ovens.
And parts of her head that she didn't even know she had were switching on and saying Well, we can't move these ovens. They're kinda plumbed in. so we need the food preparation areas over here. The made-up pasty cases and the mixed liquid cheesecakes go through the ovens. They gotta come out here and be set aside to cool. Needs cooling racks. When they're cool, they go for prettying up. Needs another line here of tables, women with piping bags and junk. A place for them to store ingredients and mix the frosting. Then they gotta be packed. Inner and outer wraps. Then stacked and stored safely to go into lorries… Penny paused for a moment. No, on the back of a horse and cart. Ain't no cars or trucks here. Trucked out to stores and restaurants… looks like those big doors there lead to a loading bay. Useful. Maybe eventually we could have a factory shop up front. Selling them direct… and what do we do about cold storage?
She put some of these thoughts to Joan, trying to sound confident. Joan smiled at her.
"You're thinking about it, m'dear. Good. Now the next step is recruiting good staff. Have you met Liona Keble, the job-broker? Good man at matching people to work. He can advise on pay rates and all the rest of it. Help us recruit. You know, it strikes me you'll need a golem. Has Johanna mentioned Miss Dearheart? You'll like her. Refreshingly straightforward."
Penny didn't know what a golem was and was diffident about asking. Still, if Joan thought she needed one, she'd find out soon enough.
Penny smiled to herself. She was still living at the University with Leonard and was accepted there. She'd made a point of smiling at the guys who did security and portering, the Bledlows. They seemed to like her being about the place. It helped. And while Leonard was learning the freaky wizarding stuff… well, no more freaky than the science stuff he did at Caltech, and related to it in some weird ways – she could focus on setting up a business. They wanted Leonard to sit an exam. If he passed it, he got another degree to go after his name. And a licence to practice. The big guy, Dumbledore – no, Ridcully – had said he fancied a bright guy like Leonard could just walk into the exam room, look at a paper he'd never seen before, and pass first time. Leonard was apparently a talent. It didn't surprise Penny. Even so, Leonard was currently face-down in wizarding books, reading and reading and reading. It fascinated him. He'd said it was like walking to the other side of a mirror, and discovering the D&D manuals were for real, and not just a game.
And the other guys were in that big freaky block on the other side of town. Making sense of it. Well, it was keeping them out of trouble. Penny was heartily glad she didn't have to live there. She tried to imagine the apartments at North los Robles doing similar freaky things and messing with peoples' heads. And shuddered.
"You could do me a favour, m'dear? I'd appreciate it if you covered a class or two for me at the School. I know you can do it. I've seen you. The gels like you well enough, and Jennifer's on hand if you feel you're out of your depth. I can get on with doing odd bits of jobs about this place, to help get you started. What with you still learning about living in this city. You need local help."
"Sure thing!" Penny said, brightly. She'd found an odd pleasure in teaching and demonstrating. Especially to those bright cheerful girls who'd got the idea quickly.
She quickly made arrangements with Joan.
"Good! They've been badgering me as to when you next take a class. It'll keep them happy and motivate them a bit!"
Johanna Smith-Rhodes realised she was now on the other side of the loop, seeing much the same sequence of events but from a different perspective. She sighed, and settled down to it. At least it would only be for a week or so and then things would revert to normal. Or what passed for normal. Or so she hoped.
She met with her alternative at several points. The script followed on more or less as it should. She already knew the lines, broadly speaking. In between she got on with her job as a Guild teacher, fielding puzzled looks and comments like Didn't I just see you in {{insert location}?, with the unspoken spill-question of How the Hells did you get here so quickly?
At least she was able to cash in not just one but two or three betting-slips. A few thousand dollars to pay into her accounts helped. Johanna wished she usually paid more attention to the back pages of the Times and the racing results. But it helped. She very carefully kept this from Ponder, who had taken time to come over to the Guild to see her, while her younger alternative self was getting on with the other things.
"So whet the hells do we do ebout this, Ponder?" she had asked.
He had grimaced.
"I do not wish to go around this loop for any longer than I have to." she had said, with firm intent. "Please explain how I return to a situation where there is only one of me."
"Errr…" Ponder had said, after a while.
Johanna sighed. This was not helping.
Life settled down over the next few days. The Caltech gang resident at Empirical Crescent began to methodically trace, identify and catalogue the relationships between various parts of the building interior. This necessarily took time and careful exploration.
Sheldon Cooper was to be seen bent over a laptop computer, occasionally conferring with HEX and the Bursar, working out a sound mathematical and quantum-physical logic for the observed evidence. He was engrossed. Sheldon was both happy and excited. Although when he remembered, he insisted HEX flew him back to California to use the bathroom.
Ruth N'Kweze, in Johanna's absence, was brought back to act as resident escort and guide to the gang. Whilst Howard, Raj and Sheldon were occupied in exploring the strange place where they lived, she took the opportunity to escort Amy, Bernadette and Lucy on trips round the City, including a long trip to the Zoo.
Leonard, meanwhile, was learning the theoretical side of being a wizard. This excited and enthralled him. A lot of it, to Leonard's mind, was just applying things he already knew from a lifetime of comic-reading, fantasy fiction, movie-going and role playing games. Only in a different context. One where it all worked. Apparently there'd be an exam at some point.
Penny found herself settling in at the factory on Short Street, tackling things like setting up an office and administration area, working closely with Joan on getting the Cheesecake Factory up and running. To her great surprise, she enjoyed this a lot, and discovered she was more than up to the challenge.
"So, er, where's Johanna?" she asked Joan, as they worked on plans. "I ain't seen her for a day or two."
Joan Sanderson-Reeves smiled slightly. She graciously ignored the "ain't", accepting she was dealing with an Acerian. You had to make allowances for foreigners. Can't be blamed for the way they speak Morporkian.
"We got a message from the University. Backed up by Vetinari, apparently. She's incommunicado and working on things of great importance to the State. Lord Vetinari has suggested the invoice for her services be directed to the University, as they're responsible for all this, and his interest is merely supervisory."
Joan paused.
"Apparently she'll be back in a few days. She'd better be. Lord Downey sent a polite message to Ridcully, asking how he should prepare and cost out the contract, for one Assassin being deployed for eight days. With a consequent need to reimburse the Guild for cover for her teaching duties. I should imagine young Ponder's getting a talking-to about that."
"Ouch." Penny said. She'd got the impression Ridcully wasn't keen on heavy expenses.
"Ouch, indeed. Funny. In the nicest possible way, there seemed to be a damn sight too much of her, last week. As if there were two of her. And suddenly, nothing."
Penny, who had met two Johannas in the same place at once, very carefully tried not to let anything show in her face. She still had the uneasy feeling Joan had worked it out. She was dealing with one shrewd old cookie here.
The older woman smiled slightly.
"Oh, dear. University contract. High-Energy Magic. Magical accident? There really were – or are - two of Johanna? And the reason we aren't seeing her at the moment is that the Wizards are trying like damned hell to sort it out – before she inhumes somebody?"
Penny nodded.
"Ah-huh." She mumbled.
Joan shook her head and bent over the floor plan.
"Well, these things sort themselves out. Or tend to. If the damn Wizards don't end up mucking things up even more, that is. Now. Chilled cabinets just here, do you think? Young Ponder had some good ideas. Applied thaumatology. Apparently, those clever wizards at the Thaumatalogical Park are working on refrigerator spells. You know, to keep food cool. He was thinking of trialling a few prototypes here. I'm all for that, so long as the damn things work."
They carried on working. Penny accepted an offer to cover one of Joan's classes, just to keep them gainfully occupied for two hours. "Nothing too difficult, just teach them a couple of basic salads and starters. If you run into bother, Jennifer's on hand to help."
The week dragged on for Johanna. It felt interminable. She kept herself occupied with routine work, aware of Ponder's urgent pleas to her to sit it out for now and to try not to do anything that was even vaguely suggestive of Paradox. Again, she decided not to mention the betting slips or several thousand dollars that was accumulating in a desk drawer, waiting for an opportunity to get it banked. To her, this was a perfectly valid application of time-travel and a fringe benefit. To Ponder, it would have been a shocking interference with the linear flow of Time and Causality. Or something.
Johanna realised what day it was with a start. At about midday, she was going to arrive at Empirical Crescent with the Caltech gang. By about three, she would have passed through that bloody, bloody window and then passed a week or so into her past. By four, she would be walking in to this room. By four-twenty, she would also arrive on the Travelling engine with Penny. By her count, would that then make it three Johannas?
Her head ached. She felt there was a flaw in this logic somewhere.
Then she had it. The answer. Of course. Simple, logical. She just needed to get her alternate self, and for the two of them to be in the same place and, she suspected this was crucial, at the same time. Ponder wasn't around for her to run the idea past him. But she decided. Voetsaak on causality, and Paradox could go and naai itself. She wondered where to find her alternate self right at that moment. It needed both of them.
At the same time, Penny was doing another guest shift in the Domestic Science kitchen at the Assassins' Guild School. Joan wasn't there; she was taking time off to supervise installation of equipment at the Cheesecake Factory as discussed with Penny. Penny was happy to let this happen. Joan was a skilled professional with a very good idea of what was needed. She just needed somebody to cover her teaching duties for part of the morning. And word about the new supply teacher in DomSci had spread. Joan had got some sort of written permission for this – Penny gleaned she had status in the Assassins' Guild – and without too much fuss, Miss Penélope de Pasadène donned the purple-and-silver sash and got on with it.
Penny took a deep breath, and scanned the expectant faces. Twenty-eight girls and interestingly, two boys, age eleven-twelve. They looked like a keen and well-behaved bunch. One of the girls looked kind of familiar from somewhere, but Penny couldn't place her. She smiled and said
"Okay, guys. Miss Sanderson-Reeves can't make it today. She sends apologies, and she wants me to have a try-out as your teacher to see how I shape up. I'm gonna show you how to make a coupla basic salads, American… Acerian… style. I want us all to have a fun time, we'll learn something, and if everyone's cool about it, we'll learn something. Hell, so will I. I'll learn if I can cut it as a teacher, and you learn how to cut lettuces and tomatoes and bell peppers and junk. We all help each other along. That a deal? Let's get goin'!"
Penny knew from her previous exposure that it worked to keep things friendly, relaxed and informal. The girls responded well to this. Johanna had remarked that from their point of view, not having Joan Sanderson-Reeves in charge of the class was like a holiday, and she felt there wouldn't be too many problems. Johanna had mentioned a couple of likely problem areas and told her to be on guard for people who'd try it on in one way or another. Penny was going to have to assert herself at least once, she had said, and best she got it out of the way early so they knew that however informal it was, there would still be limits. Well, the more experienced teaching assistant, Jennifer something, was also present. She was doing prep work in a side kitchen, but on hand to assist where necessary.
Penny moved round the class, offering guidance and constructive criticism, keeping it relaxed, and getting onto first name terms with the class where possible.
It interested her that at least one of the pupils had a South African accent…. Hell, that's not right round here, what do they call it, Rimwards Howondalandian? She also noted this girl was disconcertingly good with knives. Jennifer had advised her to have a first-aid kit handy for those tricky moments, and had mentioned a school nurse called Matron Igorina who was on call for serious incidents, but this gal didn't need it. Nor did the friend she was sharing a work-bench with.
"Hey, you're gettin' the idea!" Penny said. "Let me show you something.."
Penny took a knife with a long thin blade and demonstrated how to van Dyck a tomato, so both halves came out looking like regularly serrated pieces that fitted neatly into each other, like pointed teeth. The girls watched attentively.
"Oh, ja. Van Dyck." the South African girl said. "En interesting name. Was he Kerrigian, miss?"
Penny figured out Kerrigian must be the local word for Dutch. Johanna had used it. It occurred to her this girl was red-haired too.
"Ah-huh. Guy was a chef in New York. He invented this cut. You don't have to do it this way, but it looks good on the plate. Stylish. And presentation matters. Wanna try one?"
Penny wasn't surprised that the red-haired South African girl focused intently, then took the knife and did a pretty perfect van Dyck cut first time out. Her dark-haired friend, who looked kinda Jewish, did an even better one. Hell, she had an air about her of the sort of girl who knew what knives were for, Or when the Assassins' Guild was done trainin' her, she'd definitely know all the uses you could put a knife to.
The tomato separated into two impeccably evenly serrated halves.
"That was satisfying." the Jewish-looking girl said. She looked down, thoughtfully, at the long narrow blade.
Penny tried not to be too intimidated by girls who weren't even teenage yet. Realising with unease she was in a room full of student Assassins with knives, she composed herself. It was probably frowned upon to stab your teacher. It occurred to Penny that this was a pretty good way of getting people familiar with knives and things with sharp edges. You know, teaching the elementary basics. For later.
'sides, I'm dressed in black. Johanna said it's a dress code. As far as they're concerned, I'm an Assassin.
She moved on. The next table had a sulky-looking girl at it who was barely working. Penny tried to jolly her into activity. She sensed trouble and a challenge to authority, and tensed herself for dealing with this.
"Come on, sweetie. Let's get with the program here!" Penny said, breezily. "You ain't properly started yet!"
The girl glared stonily at her. Penny frowned. She felt she was being regarded as if she were something unwholesome on the sole of the child's shoe.
"What's your name, sweetie?" Penny asked, trying to be informal and friendly. The girl scowled up at her.
"I am the Honourable Miss Pamela Eorle." the girl said, glaring from behind a well- sculpted nose. "Heiress to Lord and Lady Eorle. Who are you, exactly?"
Ah-huh. Trouble. Johanna warned me you get people like this. Nobility.
Penny glanced to one side. Yes, the South African girl was looking on with quiet interest. Probably seein' what way the new teacher's gonna jump? And that Jewish-lookin' girl is watchin' too. She got a look on her face. And a knife in her hand.
"You address me as The Honourable Miss Eorle." the girl said. "I trust that is clearly understood."
Penny took a deep breath.
"Is that so, hon?" she said. "Now, The Honorable Miss Y'all. You tell me what you don't like. Let's open a dialogue here."
Penny listened to the complaint. Why was she wasting her time here doing this lower-class thing when at home there were servants, cooks and so on, to do it for her, and after she graduated, she could employ servants to do the cooking for her?
"Ah-huh." Penny said. She glanced to her left. There was a slight thunnk noise. Without seeming to move very much, the long thin knife in the Jewish-looking girl's hand was now embedded point-first in the wooden chopping block, the blade and handle thrumming slightly. She was glaring, not at Penny but at The Honourable Miss Eorle, in a way that suggested trouble.
Gotta finish this, Penny thought. Before somebody gets shanked.
"So why are you tellin' me this and not, say, miss Sanderson-Reeves?" Penny asked, keeping it light. You are tryin' it on, you little bitch. Well, bring it on.
"I'm guessin' you wouldn't dare say this to Miss Sanderson-Reeves, right? Well, listen to me. Pamela. Pammie."
Penny watched the girl shudder with revulsion and a little supressed rage.
"Pammie. Sweetie. Look around you. Do you see any servants who'll cook and clean for you and clear up after you? In here? 'Cos I don't see none either. And let me tell you, hon. I don't give a flying monkey's fu… freak, if you're the Queen of England. If I had the Queen of England in this classroom, I'd be calling her Liz, and tellin' her she does the work, and she cleans up after herself. And because that lady's actually got class, I'm bettin' she would. You get with the program, sweetie. You do the work. And we'll get on just fine. You dig, Pamela? We ain't got much nobility or social class in my country, sweetie, and we don't go a bundle on it. I don't want to get all-American…Acerian… on your ass on first meetin', but get this, I will. Now chop that freakin' lettuce. Pronto."
There was giggling in the classroom. Penny noted the South African girl smiled slightly. Her Jewish-looking buddy pulled the knife out of the block, flicked it up in the air, caught it smoothly by the handle, and chopped decisively down into her lettuce, all the time looking meaningfully at Pamela Eorle. Uneasily, Penny was reminded of Johanna Smith-Rhodes demonstrating machete skills on a cabbage on a pole. That cabbage had become coleslaw, with one easy-looking chop.
Jennifer Matlow-Swizzell, the permanent teaching assistant, had come into the big classroom. She was watching, her arms folded.
"Miss Eorle." she said, in a low voice. "At the end of this lesson, you will be cleaning down the workbenches and sweeping the floor. Again. Just to remind you there are no servants here." She paused, and added: "Miss ben-Devorah. Knife-throwing is taught in other classes in this School. Not in this one. Kindly refrain from mis-using the equipment provided for these lessons. Thank you."
The Jewish-looking girl smiled slightly, accepted the rebuke, and lowered her eyes with seeming submission.
The rest of the lesson went just fine after that. The class had seen the pleasant and easy-going Miss Penélope de Pasadène challenged, rising to the challenge, and asserting authority. There were no more challenges. Variations on a theme of ranch salad and Caesar Salad were presented for assessment, with Jennifer moving round the room with a clip-board marking and taking notes for Miss Sanderson-Reeves' information later, and Penny moved on to demonstrating how to peel and segment oranges and grapefruit for Florida Salad. She also demonstrated how egg white and castor sugar could be used to give the serving glass a decorative edging. There were appreciative gasps and "aaah!" noises as the class saw how this made the rim of the glass look attractively sparkly. Even Jennifer looked appreciatively educated. Penny had the thrill of having conveyed something new, of real worth and interest. She realised how this could make educating people kinda addictive.
She also noted the Jewish-lookin' girl, who managed to combine a petite doll-like prettiness with a sort of intimidatingly business-like precision with sharp knives, immediately got how to use a sharp blade to peel and segment citrus fruit. First time out. Her whole manner was disconcertingly sharp, in fact.
"Watch her." Jennifer Swizzel-Matlow said, later. "Miss ben-Devorah and Miss Eorle have a history." She didn't elaborate. Penny got that some girls found it hard to make friends and influence people, and some other girls didn't have too much tolerance for idiots. Ah-huh. She'd seen the same in High School.
And towards the end of the lesson, Johanna Smith-Rhodes walked in. She nodded pleasantly at pupils she knew. These included the red-haired South African girl and her worrying friend.
"Got a moment, Miss de Pasadène?" Johanna asked. She nodded towards a side room.
"I'll keep an eye on the class." Jennifer offered.
Penny and Johanna went for a private chat.
"Going well?" Johanna asked.
Penny nodded.
"Ah-huh. Miss Eorle's been hard work."
Johanna patted her arm.
"Ag. Noble family. More highly bred than a hilltop bakery. She's en idiot. Bleddy trouble to teach. Hed to slep her down, did you?"
They grinned. Johanna knew her pupils.
"Listen. I need to talk to.. well, to have a few moments with myself. If you see whet I mean." Johanna said. "Got en idea where she might be?"
Penny understood.
"I'm guessin' she's at the university with Ponder and Leonard. Or else in Caltech." Penny suggested. "You could ask HEX?"
Johanna smiled.
"Thenk you." she said. "Listen. I've got to resolve this. Something heppens very soon. It's the event thet causes ell this to happen. I can't say too much ebout it. Peredox. Leonard's spoken to you ebout peredox?"
Penny nodded.
"Let's just say Sheldon does something. It dregs me in. End it means there are two of me."
"Ah-huh. Sheldon. Why am I not surprised?"
"Exectly." Johanna said. "End we heven't got long. I'm working on the suspicion thet this loop in time means thet there might be three of me in a few hours time. Or else. Two of me end up chasing each other eround this one loop, one a week behind the other, forever. I want to stop this. I now hev perhaps three hours. It occurs to me you will be present et Empirical Crescent. So you need to wrep up here, end we cen esk HEX how he wishes to proceed."
"Ah-huh. I'm up. Just got to finish things here." Penny said.
"I'll wait." Johanna said.
Penny concluded the class, thanked the pupils, and most of them packed up to leave, taking their finished work to a side-room where it was racked on shelves with named labels for assessment later. Two or three girls were detailed to spend ten minutes doing the dogsbody chores clearing down.
Penny, Johanna and Jennifer retired to a side room.
"You did really well." Jennifer said. "I can report to Joan you're a good find. She'll want to know. I can see why she'd like you to be an occasional supply teacher!"
"Gee, thanks." Penny said. She felt oddly pleased. She'd never have thought of herself as a schoolteacher, but she could see it was a distinct possibility for her on this planet.
There was a knock on the door. It turned out to be the red-haired South African girl. Penny studied her: about twelve, serious and intent looking, with what she now realised was a very familiar face and look.
Johanna smiled and said something in her native language, the one that sounded sorta Dutch. The girl replied in the same tongue. Afrikaans, Penny realised.
"Family business, I think." Jennifer said.
"Ja." Johanna said, in English. "Penny, I should introduce you. This is my sister. Mariella, Penny is a friend. I introduced her to people here, end it is possible she will be teaching here, part-time."
Her sister. Why am I not surprised…
"I should like thet." Mariella Smith-Rhodes said, scrutinising Penny. She had the feeling she was being sized up and assessed. That her strengths and weaknesses were being analysed, and recorded for possible attention later. It was disconcerting.
"Will we be going riding together on Seturday efternoon?" Mariella asked. Johanna nodded.
"Ja. I hev something to do this efternoon, but if ell goes well, I would like thet. Penny, you ride? Do you wish to come with us?"
"Horse-riding?" Penny said. "Hell, yes!" It was familiar, something else that would ground her into relative normality.
Johanna smiled.
"It is on, then, Enother good reason why this efternoon's business needs to be resolved quickly."
"I eppreciated your teaching, Miss de Pasadène." Mariella said. "I wish to thenk you."
"Apple for the teacher, huh?" Penny said. The self-composed Mariella smiled slightly.
"In this school, the teacher should elweys check the epple first." she said.
Penny had the feeling she was halfway to acceptance.
Johanna did not find her alternate at the University. She sighed, and watched for a while in the background as her colleague Davinia Bellamy enthusiastically got to grips with the Voynich Manuscript.
Deciding this wasn't her problem, she excused herself and decided to make her own way over to Empirical. Maybe it could still work… she turned it over in her mind on the short cab ride. Ponder isn't there to ask. But I'm the Johanna who's a week behind the other. I'm seven days out of phase. My other self is in the right time. Therefore if I've guessed right, I will be restoring the timeline. Painlessly. I will not die. I will simply reappear in a different place where there is only one of me. Who will have odd memories of having been in two different places at the same apparent time and of having encountered a different version of herself.
She paid the cab driver.
"Dangerous place, this, miss. Rather you than me."
"Ja. Essuredly." she said. She sought to remember. We were in number Five. Sheldon and I traced the upstairs window on the top floor as looking out on the view from the ground. It could have been any of the ground floor windows on the… right… of number five. The view from the garden had a front door to the immediate left and a unique view of a partly overgrown crumbling ornamental fountain. With nymphs. Or naiads.
Johanna went searching in the grounds of Empirical. It was just a matter of doing everything in reverse. Having her other self here would have been good – if one minute there were two of her and the next only one, it would have confirmed her hunch. But she'd have to do it this way… she remembered her alternate was on the Roundworld and coming over on the Travelling Engine. Of course. Everybody was. HEX had insisted Leonard and Penny return to Caltech, so everybody in the group could pass within a minute or two of each other via the same common route. And start from the same datum point in time.
Including me, Johanna thought, triangulating what she remembered of the alignment of a window, a front door, and an ornamental fountain with naiads.
Looks like this was it, she thought, noting the window was hard to open from the outside. She thought of using slippall. But no, that would have created Paradox. The situation demanded that in a very near future – from this side of the window – she would have to add slippall while in the company of Sheldon Cooper. And then follow the verdammte catastrophe-magnet of a man out. And not return. Until now.
She dragged the protesting window up just far enough to allow one person to roll in. Behind her she heard the dopplering whoosh of the Travelling Engine arriving. Dogs distantly barked. It had to be now.
Rolling in over the sill, she had an odd momentary sensation of being lifted. It felt as if parts of her were at ground level and parts of her were four or five floors up depending on which side of the window they were on. She was glad her momentum was carrying her through. Just for in instant she sensed her legs were lagging a long way behind the instruction of her brain. She had an indefinable feeling that something was being added. Or subtracted. She wasn't sure which. It was distinctly unpleasant.
And then she was in an empty room, shaking and panting slightly. Nothing had apparently happened. There was a distinct lack of Travelling Engine outside. But she remembered to close the window. It closed shut with an easy lubricated gliding grace. She frowned.
If it's worked. If passing through this window in one direction took me a week into the past. Coming through it in the other direction should have taken me back. Therefore I'm now in the correct phase of Time again. And there will now no longer be two of me. It also wipes out any horrible possibility that there will be three of me. The bloody verdammte loop in Time is therefore closed. If I understand Ponder correctly it will have objective existence in a place of its own. But no longer here. I hope.
She paued. She had memories. Both of encountering a version of herself who was a week or so older. And then of encountering a version of herself who was a week or so younger. Clear, vivid, memories of having spent a week as each person. Had the two versions of herself fused in one? She hoped so. At least the confusion was just internal now.
She noticed a length of coloured string leading from the doorframe and down the corridor. This had not been there when she had left. She followed it. Eventually she found an attached note in Howard's handwriting:
Fourth floor room, top floor of Number Three, accessed from hallway of Number Five. Opens out on ground floor Number Two facing main road.
She followed the stairs down. Voices were conversing.
"Hey, Johanna! You're back!" Howard said, happy to see her.
"I said to smoke her a kipper. She'll be back for breakfast." agreed Raj. "What a girl!"
She looked around the operations room. It must have taken a while to set up. Laptop computers glowed. The Travelling Engine sat, dormant for now, in a corner.
"How long have I been gone?" she asked.
"A week. Ponder was pretty definite about that. He said he thought that was what was needed, to restore the balance." Howard said. "Hey, were there really two of you?"
"Ja." Johanna said. For a week."
She stopped and thought.
Damn. I was to have taken Mariella out riding. And how the hell to explain it to the Guild?
She wondered how to make it up to her sister. She'll understand. I hope.
++Welcome back, Johanna.++ Let me brief you on what happened in your temporary absence.++ said HEX. ++Firstly, the Guild accepted you were on Government business, which took precedence.++ Your lessons were covered by others.++Ruth and others tended to the dogs.++ Penny and Heidi van Kruger took Mariella out riding, incidentally.++Your sister quite likes Penny, you may be pleased to hear.++
"I'm gled. Fill me in, HEX." Johanna said. She paused, reflecting. "Oh, end I haven't had a cup of tea, for et least a week."
Notes Dump:
That place for non-linear discontinuities, things and concepts which will prove the essential truth of the Copenhagen Interpretation and which, in the manner of waves and particles projected through a slit, might impinge on either the past or the present of the tale or multiple alternate-universe versions thereof. Odd stray thoughts with no immediate relevance to the tale at hand, but which need to go down somewhere lest I forget.
Tvtropes again
Quoted in the Works page for Heinlein's "And He Built A Crooked House" (the root inspiration, in canon, for Empirical Crescent, and freely used here):
"Americans are considered crazy anywhere in the world. They will usually concede a basis for the accusation but point to California as the focus of the infection. Californians stoutly maintain that their bad reputation is derived solely from the acts of the inhabitants of Los Angeles County. Angelenos will, when pressed, admit the charge but explain hastily, 'It's Hollywood. It's not our fault, we didn't ask for it; Hollywood just grew.' The people in Hollywood don't care; they glory in it. If you are interested, they will drive you up Laurel Canyon 'where we keep the violent cases.' The Canyonites — the brown-legged women, the trunks-clad men constantly busy building and rebuilding their slap-happy unfinished houses — regard with faint contempt the dull creatures who live down in the flats, and treasure in their hearts the secret knowledge that they, and only they, know how to live."
Issues to sort out/glimpses into where my thoughts are going:
The two Johannas:
Johanna has been flipped back down her own timeline for about eight days (check) and has been "doubled up" for those eight days. Therefore in the time period following her vanishing at Empirical, she will be out of the action there for an equivalent length of time. A kind of Law of Conservation of Johannas applies – if for eight days there are two of her in one phase of time, there has to be an eight day period further along the line where she is taken out of the loop and not there at all. Ruth will take over nursemaid duties. There is also the lingering difficulty of there possibly being two sets of Ridgebacks for eight days – although Kaffee and Crème coped with interplanetary travel (they sort of laika'd that) and dogs are not existential creatures. I imagine they'll come to their own resolution.
A mechanism for the two Johannas resolving things and straightening out their timelines occurs to me. Dangerous edificeering is involved.
Rothman. Hmm. Ideas. The "switch" is described and resolved. Simple idea and clear in my head, but needs lots of resolution.
Bernadette's "socialization" to the Discworld: nice and simple. She meets Davinia Bellamy and they bond over apothecary stuff and husband-management. She will also meet a new friend who will help her into a Discworld makeover.
Amy to meet the Librarian. Call-back to Sheldon's bad dream, only with a different resolution. Amy also to meet Igorinas and Maccalariats. Her reactions to different species.
Will she also encounter Feegle and gnomes? THAT could be fun…
Howard. Ye gods, Howard. I see a visit to Big Dave's to check out comic-books on the disc. Alice Band is there having discovered that, without her knowledge or implied consent, she is being portrayed as a Stealth Archaeolologist of the initials LC. Howard meets Alice. Running gag: Howard serially meets some dangerously attractive Discworld women, but is somehow allowed to live afterwards. Refuge in audacity, or "I can't believe he said that!"…. he perhaps escapes alive in the moment of bemused consternation.
Sheldon to discover the Rail Ways. He is pissed off that unlike Leonard or Lucy, there is a very regrettable lack of induced superpowers on the Disc for him.
Raj meets UU's Professor of Astronomy and gets to see UU's observatory.
Penny. Establishing the Cheesecake Factory(AM) with help from Joan and Liona Keble. She gets to go horse-riding for recreation. Johanna (or a version of her) and one other go with her. More bonding with a younger friend.
Leonard. Gets another degree. Ridcully issues a pointy hat and staff.
Lucy. Is taken to meet people at Biers. This doesn't stress her as much as she fears. She even likes some of the people she meets and realises her condition isn't as odd as she fears. Compared to others she is, in fact, boringly ordinary.
Developing the Empirical Crescent concept – new Portal? How long would the logic dictate for even Sheldon Cooper to resolve this? What do the boys do for recreation while in AM – and what perils lurk if Johanna isn't there to supervise? (Ruth to take over…)
The Voynich Resolution – again clear in my head but might read like a cop-out. How to add bite to this…
Ponder's reaction to being in a room with two Johannas. His observations on the doubling-up of girlfriend. Helpful, unhelpful or both?
Ruth. More explorations of the USA as seen through the perspective of a proud black Discworlder. Does she need to dodge Barry Krupke's optimistic attention? She also has to nursemaid the Caltech crew in AM in Johanna's unavoidable absence.
Pick up the thread of Leslie Winkle's growing suspicion that the visiting academics are not all they seem? (Hmm. Leslie W on the Discworld, eventually?)
Heinlein Homages to work in:
"Teal lifted the blind a few inches. He saw nothing, and raised it a little more — still nothing. Slowly he raised it until the window was fully exposed. They gazed out at — nothing. Nothing, nothing at all. What color is nothing? Don't be silly! What shape is it? Shape is an attribute of something. It had neither depth nor form. It had not even blackness. It was nothing."
Albert Einstein quote: - in full context.
"Quantum mechanics is certainly imposing, but an inner voice tells me that it is not yet the real thing. The theory says a lot, but does not really bring us any closer to the secret of the 'old one'. I, at any rate, am convinced that He does not throw dice." note Technically, he didn't believe in randomness beyond the laws of physics and the boundary conditions of the universe. Those two things can still cause some pretty coincidental stuff to happen, just like pseudo-random number generators can cause coincidences in computer games.
From tvtropes:
Russians have absolutely no use for shot glasses. Vodka is commonly served "Sto gramm", which means "100 g" (which equals 0,1 l - that's a normal water-glass instead of a shot glass of 0,02 l), and a smallest standard drink is usually 0,05 l. But they're not going literal and will often serve you a 0,25 l glass filled to the top as well.
Fits the ethos of "Far Überwald"… and a place called "Sto Gram" would fit the vibe of the other Stos….