I Do Not Own DeGrassi
Ch. 37 All Things Must Pass
(CLARE)
Once the nightmare had woken her up she never did fall asleep again and now it was dawn. Adam had drifted off again after about half an hour of lightly rubbing her back and squeezing her hand; he'd actually fallen asleep still holding her hand and with his other hand on her back. Eli had gone back to sleep after an hour or so, he fell asleep holding her, while she remained cuddled into and clinging to him. They had both tried to get her talk about the nightmare but she wouldn't. Seeing the light filtering in through her blinds she finally released Eli and sat up, mostly for need of having to pee. Her movement woke the boys, she saw both sets of eyes blink open and immediately fall on her.
"Morning beautiful, did you get any more sleep?" Eli asked.
She shook her head lightly.
"You want to talk about it now?" Adam ventured.
"No and I need to use the washroom." She said.
Eli sighed but got up from the bed and then helped her out. He kept his arms around her until she was steady and then he let her go but stayed behind her in case she needed him. She went into the washroom to go pee, groaning a little as she got up from the toilet and stretched her incision just a bit. She washed her hands and left the washroom taking Eli's hand, she didn't need the support for walking she simply wanted to feel him. They went back to the bed sitting down and Eli wrapped his arms around her.
"What's on your mind Blue Eyes?" He inquired as she cuddled into him.
"Nothing." She lied.
She felt apprehensive about telling him, after everything they'd been through her selfish fear about him and the others leaving and not being nearby seemed so trivial. She was doing better, getting stronger, she still had a ways to go and would never be a hundred percent again but she was doing so much better now. Her relationship with Eli was solid again, they still had a ways to go too but she no longer recoiled from his touch and now relished it, needed it. She wasn't sick, she wasn't dying, she was healing, getting stronger, feeling better and smiling so telling him that she didn't want him to go to University because she was afraid of not having him there seemed so very selfish and petty. After a few silent minutes Adam got up to shower, Eli turned on the TV but held her a little tighter. When Adam returned from the shower Eli went to shower and Adam resumed his spot on the bed.
"Okay spill what's on your mind?" Adam inquired as soon as Eli was in the washroom.
"Nothing Adam." She said stoically.
"Really Clare you still think you can hide stuff from me? Something's bothering you I know it is and you need to tell someone and it's usually me so start talking." Adam demanded.
She smiled a little and then sighed. "It's stupid…and petty and not important." She said quietly while looking out the window.
"Whatever it is has been bothering you since yesterday and I'm assuming sparked your nightmare last night, which means it is important and neither stupid nor petty now spill." Adam insisted.
She sighed heavily, biting her lip and looking out the window. "I'm worried about Eli leaving for University. I…I don't want him to go Adam. I know I'm getting stronger and better and by the time he leaves I'll probably be okay again or at least mostly but I'm worried about him being so far and not being here, right here with me. Not just Eli either I mean he's the one I don't want to go the most but Jake, Owen, Bianca, Imogen and Fiona all graduate this year and when I think about them leaving I get all nervous and scared. If Bianca moves then so will Drew and I don't want anyone to go and I know it's stupid and horribly selfish of me but I can't stop thinking and worrying about it. And I know you and Eli will have to go back to your own houses soon but I don't want you too, either of you. I worry that…" she paused to wipe the stream of tears from her cheeks and take a shuddering breath as deep as she could. "I feel like once you're all gone, away at University or in your case living at your own house again, that Ben and Trevor will come for me again. And I know it's a stupid fear but they're in my head and they won't go away and thinking about you all leaving I just…just feel like they're going to get me again. I can't…can't…" she had to stop she was close to hysterics, the more she thought about it the more the fear grew.
Her breathing had become labored between the crying and anxious confession and she couldn't stop crying so it was getting worse. Adam turned her oxygen on and placed the mask on her, then put his arm around her and brought her to him, hugging her close and stroking her hair. By the time they heard Eli get out of the shower she was breathing okay again, only a few tears were trickling down her cheeks. She took her mask off, handing it to Adam and he turned off her oxygen but kept his arm around her and she stayed huddled into him. A minute later Eli came back from the washroom, he sort of paused at the doorway and looked at them.
"What's wrong?" He questioned coming over to the bed.
She moved from huddling into Adam to huddling into Eli but took Adam's hand as Eli wrapped his arms around her. Adam tried to let go of her hand but she squeezed tighter, the fear of them leaving was quickly becoming a phobia; irrational to the point that she didn't want them to leave her side at all.
"Stay with Eli I'll be back in just a minute." Adam told her.
Eli tightened his grip on her just a bit and reluctantly she let go of Adam. She watched him walk out of the room and then heard him walk downstairs.
(ADAM)
He went downstairs and picked up the house phone and dialed Drew's number.
"Hello?" Drew's sleep graveled voice answered.
"Hey sorry to wake you she's not the hospital or anything but we have a sort of problem I thought you should know about. She's afraid about all of us leaving; you guys leaving for University, me going back home. She's petrified that once were gone Ben and Trevor are going to come back for her. She was almost in hysterics when she told me; it's mostly Eli she's worried about but she doesn't want any of you to move away. She almost didn't tell me because she thought it was stupid and selfish. I know you're not leaving for University but if Bianca goes then you'll go with her. I'm not saying none of you guys should go to University because Clare is afraid, I just thought you should know. I'm going to talk with Eli and Jake and Mom and Dad, she's not ready for me to go back home for a while and I'm not ready to leave her anyway. Can you talk to the others, just tell them how she feels and that I thought they should know but they shouldn't change any plans because they're worried about Clare." Adam told him.
"Yeah, I'll talk to them. How is she?" Drew asked.
"She had a nightmare and didn't sleep much; I think the nightmare was about us all leaving. She's been very nervous and clingy this morning, like she's afraid to be away from me and Eli at all. Her physical state is still good but her mental one is starting to crack again." Adam confided in his brother.
"Don't worry I'll talk Bianca and them and I'll come by after work, I'm off at six, maybe we can all meet for dinner." Drew suggested.
"Good idea we'll meet you all at the restaurant in the mall at six." Adam said and hung up.
He called his mom and after telling her that they had fun on their mini vacation he explained what was going on. She agreed he had to stay there as long as Clare needed him to be with one stipulation; that the three of them would come to dinner at her house once a week. Adam was certain Clare and Eli would have no trouble agreeing to that. After hanging up with his mother the rest of the house was slowly starting to wake up. Jake came downstairs with a yawn and sat at the table; Adam poured them both a cup of coffee and took Jake back upstairs to talk to him.
"What's up is she okay?" Jake yawned once they were behind closed doors in his room.
"Depends on your definition of okay; physically she's doing a lot better but mentally she's faltering. She's terrified that all of you who are graduating are going to leave for University and that Ben and Trevor are going to attack her again, that she's going to be left vulnerable I guess. She's mostly worried about Eli leaving her but she doesn't want any of you to leave." Adam enlightened him.
"Well she doesn't need to worry about me; I'll be working with my dad and taking classes at a community college, while living at home." Jake told him.
"Great can you go tell her that so I can talk to Eli?" Adam requested.
Jake nodded and they both got up and went into Clare's room, Jake went over and pulled Clare up from the bed and with some effort from Eli's arms.
"Come have breakfast with me, there's something I want to talk to you about." Jake said taking his sister by the arm and out of her room.
When they were gone Eli looked at Adam. "What's going on?" Eli queried.
(CLARE)
She was at the kitchen table eating lunch with Eli and Adam, well they were eating she had nibbled enough of her lunch to take her pills and then had stopped. They had been with her all morning but busy online and Eli had left the room twice to make phone calls. She had been too tired and worried to really pay attention, mostly staying huddled into Eli and clinging to Adam and when Eli had left the room, huddled into Adam.
"Not that hungry." She shrugged after Eli grimaced at her for how little she'd eaten.
She felt a little better knowing Jake would still be at home next year and wasn't moving away but still worried about everyone else and most importantly Eli.
"Come on Blue Eyes lets go for our walk if you're not going to eat." Eli said getting up from the table and helping her up.
She smiled and they left the house, making their way down the block as fast as she was able. They got down about three houses and Eli stopped, turning her to him and encircling both his arms around her lower back.
"I'm not going." He said; she looked at him scrunching her eyebrows together in confusion. "To NYU." He explained.
She smiled and then her face fell. "Eli no NYU is your dream, you can't give that up to stay with me be because I have a stupid phobia and I'm being selfish and spoiled and…"
He cut off her ranting with a soft kiss. "I'm deferring for a year. I already called the admissions office and explained the situation and they allowed me to defer until next year. I talked about it with my parents and they agree it's the best thing for both of us. I'm not giving up NYU." He told her.
She felt lighter inside but she still felt some guilt, like she was keeping him from his dream. "Eli I can't ask you to do that." She said quietly and then bit her lip.
"You're not asking Clare I'm telling you that's what's happening. I'll get a job and take a few general ed classes at the community college. You really think after everything we've been through, after almost losing you twice that I'd just leave you behind for University? You're stuck with me Blue Eyes, forever. I love you Clare." He said smiling genuinely before ensnaring her lips in a soft and passionate kiss.
"I love you too Eli." She smiled as they began walking again. She felt a million times better, a giant weight having been lifted from her.
She still didn't want the others to move away but as long as Eli was staying she'd be okay. Now if she could just convince Adam somehow to never go home, okay so not never just not for a long while. She was able to walk to the corner and down the next street on her own before her legs began to shake, then Eli picked her up, kissed her and carried her home. Adam was on the sofa when they got home, reading a comic but he looked up at them when they came in.
"So you tell her?" Adam asked.
"I told her about me." Eli said taking Clare's hand and pulling her to the sofa, setting her down between he and Adam and putting his arm around her.
Clare looked at Adam awaiting an explanation. "I'm not leaving either, not going home that is. Not until you and I both are a hundred percent ready for me to. My mom is totally fine with it under one condition; that the three of us come for dinner once a week." Adam told her.
She smiled brightly. "I will happily have dinner at your place once a week if it means you're staying right here." She said gratefully.
"I figured but I'm not done yet. Eli's deferring for a year and next year you and I will apply to University's in New York and we'll all move together. NYU, Briarcliff, City University, Columbia, Manhattan College, Wagner and Rockefeller University all have great journalism and radio journalism programs and with our GPA's we should be able to get into at least one of them." Adam told her.
"The three of us will move and get an apartment together. Two bedrooms, by that time you should be okay not having Adam in the bed but he'll still be living with us." Eli told her.
"So you see we're never leaving your side again." Adam smiled.
Clare was smiling so big her cheeks were beginning to ache, she was so happy she thought she might burst. She had no words to express the heights of elated joy she was feeling. Not only was her wonderful boyfriend putting off University until she could go with him but her amazing best friend was staying with them and moving with them. The fear that she would be left open to attack or alone ever again suddenly melted away, she threw her arms around their necks, hugging them to her and kissing each on the cheek.
"You guys are the best!" She proclaimed when she released them finally.
"Well naturally." Eli said with a smug smirk and then he kissed her softly.
"And next time something is weighing on your mind tell us right away." Adam admonished before gently smacking her with a throw pillow.
"Okay I promise," she giggled, "no more holding things in."
"Thank goodness I'm getting tired of having to pry everything from that stubborn brain of yours." Adam laughed and Clare hit him with the throw pillow.
They spent the rest of the afternoon looking at the Universities in New York, potential neighborhoods to live in and various apartments in those neighborhoods. Her fear was entirely gone, replaced exclusively by excitement and for the first time in a long time a bright and hopeful outlook for her future. They were so caught up in researching and planning they hardly noticed so much time had passed and suddenly it was time to leave for dinner. They borrowed Jake's truck and drove to the mall to meet everyone else, they were already there sitting in a booth near the back.
"Well you look a lot better and a lot happier than I've seen you in a long time." Fiona said after they'd all ordered.
"I am Eli's deferring for a year and the three of us will move together next year. Eli's not leaving me for University and Adam's staying at the house until I'm a hundred percent sure I don't need him. Audra's fine with it as long as we come to dinner once a week. I was worried about them leaving, about you all leaving actually." Clare confessed.
"We know, Adam called Drew and he called the rest of us which is why we're having this dinner." Owen told her.
Clare wasn't sure if she wanted to hug Adam or hit him, if they were all about to tell her they were putting their lives on hold for her sake she would probably hit him.
"I fought really hard to stay here and sacrificed a lot keep my loft; no way I'm giving it up now. Anyway I got accepted to TU and that's where I'm going." Fiona told her.
"And I'll be going to TU as well and staying at home to help take care of my Dad." Imogen added.
"I've been doing great this year but for most of my life I was a scrub, so I'll be going to community college to raise my GPA and fill in some gaps in my transcripts so I can get into a good University. Besides I just got married and am moving my stuff in, I'm not about to pick up and move again." Bianca affirmed.
"Where B goes I go." Drew smiled.
"And you swear none of you are sticking around on my account because as much as I don't want you to go I'd hate for you to stay just for my sake." Clare told them.
"No we all have our own reasons that have nothing to do with you. Staying here so we can be here for you is just a bonus for you and us." Drew assured her.
Clare smiled appreciatively at her friends and then realized Owen had not yet told them what he would be doing. Apparently everyone else did too because all eyes fell on him.
"I got accepted to TU on a hockey scholarship you ain't getting rid of me that easily." Owen informed them.
"Good," Clare smiled, "I need all of you and don't want to get rid of any of you."
The food came and they all started eating, including Clare. For the first time in a long time she was extremely happy and this gave her an appetite. There was no worry, no apprehension, no anxiety no darkness weighing on her. She wouldn't be alone next year at all she'd still have Adam, Alli, Jenna, Wesley, Dave and Connor at DeGrassi with her. Plus she'd still have Jake, Owen, Drew, Bianca, Fiona and Imogen in town, close by if she needed them. And of course most importantly and the best of all Eli was staying to be with her. With all of them to support her she could get through anything.
(ELI)
He was in the washroom with Clare, helping her get ready to go out for the first time in long time without him or Adam. Well sort of, Wesley was having a party and had invited the three of them, Alli and Jenna and Alli and Jenna wanted Clare to go to the mall for new party clothes with them. It had been Clare's idea to let her go shopping alone with the girls since he and Adam had not enjoyed the last shopping excursion with the three of them. He and Adam were still going to the mall however to be nearby just in case. Drew would be there but he would be working and couldn't exactly leave work to carry her around if that's what she needed, so he and Adam would go and hang out at the comic shop or arcade.
It had been four days since they had returned from Atlantic City and she was doing remarkably better, they'd been walking every day and she could make it all the way around the block now before she started getting weak, tired and out of breath. Still Eli trusted that Alli would call him right away if there was the slightest sign of trouble. Currently Clare was topless in front of the mirror while he helped her rub scar therapy gel into the scars on her back.
"These are entirely healed into scars now, all the scabbing is gone if you still want to get a tattoo." Eli said gently touching the scars on her lower back, their brand as she called it.
"I still want a tattoo; I even know what I want." Clare told him.
"Yeah what's that?" Eli questioned.
"You'll have to wait and see but it's from my favorite book when I was really little." She informed him.
Eli smiled, finished rubbing in the gel and kissed her neck. He helped her get dressed; they left the washroom, collected Adam and got in the truck to drive to the mall. He parked and carried her in to save her a little bit of walking. Alli and Jenna were already there waiting for them at Drew's kiosk and from what Eli could tell they seemed to be pestering the spiky haired boy. Drew had an annoyed and exasperated look on his face but when he saw the misfits walking up he smiled.
"Oh great you're here." Alli said when she saw Clare.
Clare said hi to all of them as Eli put her down, as soon as Clare's feet hit the ground Alli and Jenna linked their arms with hers and started walking down the mall.
"She seems to be doing a lot better." Drew commented when the girls were out of sight.
"She's gotten a lot stronger; she's even breathing a little better." Eli smiled.
"You and Bianca coming to dinner at the house on Sunday?" Adam asked Drew.
"Yeah but we're not telling Mom and Dad we're married yet." Drew told them.
"Are you ever going to tell them?" Adam asked.
"Eventually, maybe after B graduates." Said Drew.
Adam looked like he had more to say but Drew got some customers so they waved to him and started walking down the mall toward the comic book store.
(CLARE)
"I don't think so Alli." Clare shook her head handing the sparkly black halter top back to Alli.
"Oh come on Clare it would look so good on you." Alli said shoving it back at Clare.
"But it's backless; I'd have to wear a sweater all night." Clare argued shoving it back at Alli.
"Alli's right Clare it would look great and even your worst bruises have all but faded by now." Jenna said taking the shirt from Alli and putting it in Clare's hand.
"It's not the bruises I'm worried about; it's the scars all over my back." Clare countered.
"Well at least try it on, if it looks as good as we think it will then you should get it and we'll find you a nice jacket or sweater to go over it so no one else can see the scars." Jenna encouraged.
"Fine but Alli's going to have to come in the dressing room and help me." Clare gave in.
"Well of course, not taking the chance you'll pop a stitch again or a staple." Alli smiled.
The three girls walked to the dressing room, Jenna went into one and Alli and Clare went into the handicapped one as it was bigger. Alli helped Clare take off her top and slipped the halter on her. Clare looked in the mirror and she had to admit she liked the top and it did look good.
"Clare it looks great on you, let's go show Jenna." Alli insisted opening the dressing room door. "Jenna come see." Alli called.
Jenna opened her dressing room door wearing a lilac colored party dress. "Clare it looks amazing you have to get it. You could wear it with white jeans and we'll find you a nice jacket." Jenna insisted.
"Okay fine." Clare relented. "Alli help me get this off and my top back on so I can pay for it." Clare said and they went back in the dressing room.
Alli helped her get her top back on and Clare left the dressing room and paid for the top. Jenna ended up buying the lilac dress and Alli bought a lipstick red skirt. They left the store and continued walking down the mall.
"You doing okay? You've been walking and standing a lot I can call Eli and Adam to come get you, we're almost done." Alli said when Clare faltered just a little.
"My legs are getting pretty tired maybe we should sit for a bit." Clare said.
The three of them went to the nearest bench and sat down and Alli got out her phone. "Hey she's starting to tire…We're outside of the coffee shop…Okay see you guys in a few minutes." Alli said and hung up.
"Alli I'm not doing that badly that I need to go home." Clare admonished.
"No but you are getting tired and if something happens we'll all feel better if they're right here, we're almost done anyway I think they can survive coming into a couple of stores with us." Alli told her.
"Considering you could barely make it down the hallway at school last week I'd say you're doing amazing but we don't want to push you to do more than your body can yet. No more trips to hospital you promised K.C. remember?" Jenna reminded her.
Clare couldn't argue with them so she just sat back and waited for Eli and Adam to appear, which they did a couple minutes later.
"We just need to find me a jacket to go over my shirt since it's backless." Clare told them as Eli picked her up.
"Then lets go, we'll follow the two of you." Adam said ushering Alli and Jenna on.
Eli kissed her softly and then followed the other girls further into the mall.
Update Soon.