So, Kagome has finally had a meltdown. It was a long time coming. When you don't deal with things the badness percolates until it all boils over in a completely unrelated situation. Of course it was helped along by exhaustion and grief. Throw in a little thwarted determination and life gets a bit too much to take. She'll live with the help of good friends...and Sesshoumaru.

Calendar: July.

I do not own: 1) Inuyasha, the characters or world therefrom. Those belong to Rumiko Takahashi. 2) the original idea that spawn this specific plot. That was borrowed from Shellbabe's Lost Mate found on FFN.

Eternal Spin

Kagome struggled to smile warmly as Ginta worked to tighten the sheet corners under Emily's sharp eyes. Hakkaku was out by the cart stuffing the sheets they'd just removed from the bed down in the cart as Kagome brought out the used tray to clear and set in the proper cavity. The room they were working on had been Jeremy's. Despite the fact it now housed a new patient, a solemn, young human oncology patient with big dark eyes, she still thought of the hanyou who had died there.

It wasn't so bad working in Trevor's old room. The new tenant there was a teenage girl with a raucous personality and a dry sense of humor. But, Jeremy's successor wasn't different enough to avoid calling up the memory of his death every time she stepped into the room. She couldn't avoid recalling that traumatizing, terrible sound that had marked the sweet boy's final moments. It had been two months.

It occasionally amazed her how much could change in a relatively short amount of time. Two months ago today Jeremy had died in the room they were just cleaning. Two months ago she couldn't see clear of the sound and loss to remember that life moved on and her life with it. It had seemed so hopeless, so pointless to keep trying when she couldn't succeed with the one group of patients she had set out to save. She was too slow, ineffectual and those precious children had paid the price.

Quite honestly, Kagome could admit that his death and Trevor's before it had temporarily paralyzed her drive. That ultimate proof of failure had nearly derailed her in the moments she was closest to reaching goals that she desperately needed met. Goals other hanyou in the world needed her to achieve. Goals her hypothetical future children would benefit from if she ever managed to see the way forward. True, miko and youkai rarely bred easily or well, but that had all been established in a time far distant from this one. Kagome would hate to have to go through so much difficulty just to bring her child into the world and lose it so very quickly to some inane illness any pure-blooded child would get over.

Before Kagome could wallow too much in the self-pity her inadequacy had dredged up or allow the sickness her bleak future caused in her heart to cripple her further, Brett's sister Alicia had shown up at the door of her little guest house, sufficient luggage in tow for a long visit. Alicia had taken her in hand and seen her to the funeral, to her shifts at the hospital and even tricked Kagome into visiting a grief support group.

Kagome had almost made a scene when she'd realized just what she'd been duped into. The loss was too raw to want to talk about it, especially with perfect strangers, and she was doing fine getting through it on her own. Denial wasn't just a fairy tale made up for the benefit of liars. She hadn't wanted to be there. She didn't want to risk someone important thinking she was flawed or couldn't handle all the aspects of the job she's signed up for.

Kagome hadn't established a professional reputation yet and she didn't think attending any sort of counseling before she got into the real thick of things would look good. But then she had caught a glimpse of Trevor's favorite nurse, Oscar.

Oscar was a part of the group and had been attending since before he was a nurse. The loss of Trevor hadn't led to him joining the group, an older loss had. It turned out that the original loss, the death of Oscar's younger brother and aunt in a car accident Oscar's senior year of high school had lead him to his current profession. But not until after several years of self-destructive behavior. He'd abused stimulants and depressants. Drank himself sick regularly and totaled two cars. He'd even dropped out of college. Twice. It had taken a good friend and his father tricking him into attending the support group before he'd managed to find a good track for his life. Once he'd worked through all of the prescribed healthy stages of grief. He'd gotten stuck on anger for a long time.

The second meeting she'd attended at Alicia's insistence (the lawyer had actually walked her in and sat next to her through the entire meeting), Kagome had found Connor and Gloria from pediatrics attending. Gloria had lost a lover and the added and repeated stress of the occasional child death in her ward hadn't helped her any after that. She loved kids, had wanted to have some with the lover she'd lost. Most days working pediatrics was what kept her living every day, but there were bad days. Days where the sight of the kids in her ward just seemed to rub salt in the old wound. Or days when a child came in who was terminally ill, been brought in too late, or showed signs of repeated parental abuse. Gloria had struggled to accept that there were people in the world who would not welcome the gift of a child or could take that gift for granted enough to neglect it.

Incidentally, Connor had started attending meetings in his second year of work as a nurse. He'd lost three patients in his care during that time and like most doctors and nurses, blamed himself, his lack of ability to notice something that would have prevented the deaths. Gloria had brought him in, already a long term member of the group at that point. Only, it was revealed that Connor hadn't dealt with a previous loss at all, and it was making it harder to deal with the new ones.

The three had welcomed her in with warm smiles and sincere condolences, aware of what had driven her into their midst beyond the coercion of her escort. Thankfully, no one really pressured her to talk about it or to talk at all. They assured her that when she was ready, she would talk about it, either to one person or to a small group. In the meantime, just knowing that others suffered the same way she did and lived productive lives was comforting. They weren't stuck trying to work around the wound that seemingly bled eternally.

After about four weeks of meetings, Kagome had bumped into Cheryl in the hall coming from a cancer survivors group. Brett and Germaine were with her by then, relieving Alicia to return home. Their arrival also made it very clear that her difficulties had been relayed to her Canadian roommate and his family very clearly. The cavalry was arrived. Once the arachnid had realized there was a grief group being held in the same building at the same time, she had switched to their group instead. Cheryl claimed she made the change because the Cancer group had no other youkai and the humans treated her odd out of some version of arachnophobia.

Every week after group their expanded entourage and whatever guests had taken up company with Kagome would head out to a little diner for a meal and easy camaraderie. Sometimes it was a loud time of silliness and letting off steam. Sometimes their dinners were quiet and relaxed with very little talking and just comfortable being together. Occasionally, they would talk about experiences and losses that hadn't come out in their session. Mostly Kagome enjoyed listening. It made her feel a little better to know that other professionals had felt the way she did regardless of having a set treatment for the patients that came in. She had failed with two patients for which there was no known cure or medicinal fix. The others had lost family and patients that were either human or youkai, proving that it wasn't her that didn't prevent the loss of Trevor and Jeremy. It wasn't a result over some long buried dislike of hospitals ingrained after the the deaths she suffered as a child. It wasn't some subconscious self-satisfied laziness engendered by her success with Pepper.

It was life, for everything that lived would eventually stop living. Kagome could make it so that future hanyou might have a higher chance of surviving to adulthood and beyond, but she couldn't prevent death, so much as delay it. No matter how defeatist that sounded, it was also comforting. She wasn't kami. It was best she accept that now and rely on her friends and mate to sort her out whenever she forgot that.

Hakkaku glanced up and smiled at her before pulling her into a delicately supportive side ways hug, nuzzling his slightly rough cheek against her own. She was having a bit of difficulty letting others get that close. It made her tense. Part of it was her Japanese upbringing, but it had never been this bad before. Cheryl had observed it first, one night after their easy dinner when Brett and his lover were still in town.

Brett had always been prone to spontaneous hugging. Kagome had never been particularly fond of the habit, but she'd learned to accept it and anticipate it to a certain extent while they'd lived together. Ginta and Hakkaku's mannerisms were completely tame in comparison, but she'd apparently lost her tolerance for it since she'd lived alone. She tensed up without realizing it anytime somebody got too close. She even found difficulty reaching out to patients beyond the age of puberty, especially males.

The savvy spider suspected something beyond grief was bothering Kagome. Cheryl had told her so and offered to listen whenever the secret miko was ready to talk about that too. Nobody else had seemingly noticed and Kagome was trying to get back to the head space she'd been in while living with Brett. She was concerned that even if she did manage that feat it wouldn't be the success she thought it would be.

Ginta and Emily finished up with the housekeeping duties and the group moved down the hall.

A disdainful sniff sounded behind them drawing Kagome's attention to the disapproving expression of her littles' alpha on this trip. Ayame had disliked the would-be doctor from the start. Kagome hadn't understood why at first until Ginta had explained the redhead was promised to Kouga and had received nothing but static from the rude male for the last three years. Naturally, the female wolf blamed Kagome for it despite being told multiple times that Kagome didn't want the brat at all. What the other girl saw in that creep was beyond the miko's ken.

Hakkaku rolled his eyes to show Kagome what he thought of his temporary alpha's opinion. Neither male cared a whit what Ayame thought about Kagome and both had seen fit to inform their interim alpha of the fact. Multiple times. They two were the ones to see how Kagome had handled Kouga's overbearing and wrongfully possessive manner. They informed the female more than once that her views were unfounded and that Kagome had never wanted the claims or the wolf who made them. Ginta and Hakkaku both had explained to the chit that Kouga was a nitwit in his refusal to accept their "onee-chan" didn't want him and that Kagome already had a lover.

Ayame hadn't believed them without proof of scent drowning out Kagome's own. The she-wolf believed lovers could only be lovers if they were having sex. It was a seemingly common failing that had Kagome worried for the future of the world. As long as the soon-to-be ex-med student wasn't firmly committed with bonds to some other male that couldn't be refuted and the wolf could scent, Ayame believed that Kagome would naturally drop whoever she was dangling to be with Kouga. Ayame arrogantly believed that she had gotten the best alpha of her generation of wolves, that he was the best male to be had anywhere. Doubtless that meant that no other male would compare in the eyes of any female with a choice. Like Kouga, her opinion was the only one that could be right and anything else was firmly rejected as foolishness and lies. Kagome had been favored and verbally claimed for whatever reason which made her real competition that could not be trusted. There was no way Kagome could be a decent person in the female wolf's mind.

Ayame was the best female alpha to be had within their pack. That the one she wanted didn't want her was impossible without some seriously underhanded actions being taken by the female Kouga did want. She didn't know what, she didn't know how and she didn't care why. In Ayame's eyes, Kagome was evil, a certifiable villain and the pack elders that allowed Ginta and Hakkaku to be around the future doctor were clearly taken in by the same things as Kouga. There was no other explanation.

So the she-wolf watched Kagome like a hawk, offering silent commentary over every move the secret miko made. Nearly every sound Ayame made in any situation was filled with disapproval of one sort or another. Their first days in town had been worse as the bitch's opinions were expressed more intrusively. Like Kouga, Ayame only seemed to have two volumes. Silent, which was always extremely temporary and marked by the need to breath in between words, and extremely loud. Every statement was an important declaration meant to be imparted to the world for the betterment of all.

Kagome couldn't help the small smile that covered her face at that thought. The two brats, male and female were made for each other they were so alike. Kagome could see their future now. They would be each others worst, best torment. Each would decide something that didn't precisely match the other's perception and staunchly refuse to envision that either could be wrong about what they viewed as correct. They would stubbornly dig in on their side of the argument or disagreement and staunchly refuse to consider the other was right about anything that conflicted with any part of their own view. They would fight constantly.

The only downside Kagome could see, besides the reality that neither would be happy in the relationship if it ever happened, was that everyone under their responsibility would likely suffer for their inability to agree on anything. Leaders who are supposed to be equally in charge and didn't see eye to eye on things often contradicted each other's orders, making life harrowing and confusing for everyone submitting to their leadership. Subordinates in a pack were required to follow the direction and orders of the alphas. If the alphas didn't agree or were in constant conflict, loyalties became divided. Even if the pack didn't suffer a complete divide, developing factions that supported one alpha or the other, those who remained loyal to the pack at large would suffer severe confusion and little happiness.

She loved Ginta and Hakkaku. She would hate for them to suffer. And she wasn't so mean-spirited as to want the rest of their pack to suffer for the juvenile and stubborn inability to compromise under the whims of such contentious alphas. It wouldn't be a problem for the majority of the Canadian ookami for many years, but the younger pack were likely to start experiencing it as soon as Kouga came back from wherever he'd been sent to foster. His training as an alpha could only temper his groundless superiority and tendencies to take ownership of things that couldn't be owned.

If the pack was lucky, Ayame would remain enamored with Kouga enough to just support her affianced mate blindly for a few years. But there was no doubt that conflict would arise eventually. Likely it would happen when the male refused to mate her in favor of some other flavor of the week regardless of the flavor or Ayame's wishes. Ayame would eventually get tired of being passed over. Or maybe it would happen after mating when Kouga trampled over her wants and needs a few times too many.

Kagome carefully slid out from under Hakkaku's arm and followed Emily as she pushed the cart to the next room. It was Trevor's old room. A room now housing a rather personable teenaged girl named Bonnie.

Bonnie was not supposed to be in her room, but when they all caught a glimpse inside, there she was. "Aren't you supposed to be down at radiation right now?" Kagome couldn't avoid asking, her surprise spurring the need to know a reason for Bonnie's unexpected presence.

"Dr. Carroway had an earlier slot available, so I took it," Bonnie declared with a wide, mischievous grin. "No way did I want to miss two hot guys visiting my room!"

Hakkaku blushed uncomfortably while Ginta offered a slightly more confident smirk at the comment. Hakkaku had received an abundance of female attention since the pair had started trailing behind Kagome at work. Pepper thought he was the bees knees too. The kitsune had very naturally shown her esteem through a series of increasingly troublesome pranks. Her parents were doing their best to keep her away from oncology for the rest of his visit. They intended the little spitfire to bond with Shippou.

"I wish the hospital would let me hike up the thermostat at least ten degrees in here," the teenager continued unrepentant as she watched the wolves bring in her fresh sheets. "Then they'd be encouraged to do all of this without shirts. Mmm, sweat slicked skin and muscle."

"Bonnie!" Kagome gasped, only slightly scandalized. Truly, the teenager's outrageous behavior and unconscionable ideas were part of the reason Kagome had no trouble entering this room any more.

"Oh pfft! Don't tell me you wouldn't look too!" Bonnie scoffed as she grinned up at Ginta as he lifted her from the bed into her wheel chair. She was fully capable of making the move on her own, but she liked making the wolves do it and Ginta didn't seem to mind. The strong arms of the young youkai was the most contact she ever got with a male close to her own age. "It's like my own private Chippendale's show! With free audience participation!"

Turnabout was fair play so the minute he had the patient resting safely in her "Rock It" chair, Ginta leaned forward to bring his lips against her cheek and blew a raspberry into her skin. Bonnie giggled at both the sensation and the scandalized look on Kagome's face. "Ginta! You're going to get us in trouble!" Kagome hissed quietly. The only reason both wolves were allowed to follow her around and participate in her tasks was because none of the patients or their hangers on had complained. That would end if her guests started molesting the patients.

"It's fine Kagome," Emily assured the little secret miko. "Bonnie initiated it on purpose and her family won't mind. They're just playing and it can't do any harm."

"But-"

"Who's going to know?" Bonnie demanded. "I'll never tell. You could just leave him behind you when you leave."

"Now that is never going to happen," Emily declared with good humor. "Your parents may put up with flirting with whatever male enters your room, they would be very upset to find anybody left you alone with that male."

Bonnie pouted. She was not above using the perks that came with being dreadfully ill as she had been for a long time. Kagome couldn't fault her for it. If time was limited, she was certain she would want to live what little life she had to the fullest. "You could leave the big bad wolf behind to take advantage of little red riding hood," she tried to finagle a little time along with at least Ginta. Bonnie was wearing a bright red head wrap over her bald head, obviously on purpose. Bonnie's head covers were famous in the ward.

The walls of Bonnie's room were covered in head wear of every possible kind, foreign and domestic, formal and comedic, sedate and outlandish. Apparently, a short time before it was decided Bonnie couldn't handle treatment and school she'd made a comment to a friend about needing to invest in hats. Her aside had lead to a posting on the internet which lead to an influx of donated hats. So many Kagome had never seen Bonnie wear the same one twice. She'd been in the ward for nearly two months.

Ginta bared his teeth at the teenager teasingly. Kagome would interfere, but the two were enjoying the banter and it saved Hakkaku from a situation he'd deemed uncomfortable. Bonnie had originally flirted with them both equally but the younger male had never relaxed into it or offered any response that could be taken as encouraging. Kagome suspected his lack of enthusiasm had everything to do with Pepper's behavior towards him. He just couldn't handle a second female giving him hell because she decided she liked him.

Ayame huffed her greater disapproval against the wall outside the door and it was Kagome's turn to roll her eyes. Whatever Ayame's opinion of outsiders with pack, she wouldn't have much say in the experiences both males had in the near future.

It was customary for all wolves to spend at least a year separated from the pack to establish individual personalities and pursue outside interests. Many wolves attended a scholastic institution of some sort, some even extended the duration of the separation from the mother pack to complete degree or certification programs. Some wolves formed their own new packs and some remained separate and alone.

Ginta would probably head for a university or college somewhere in Canada next year. He still maintained a desire to become a doctor like Kagome. He'd made inquiries about the school she'd attended in Toronto, cornering every one of her transplanted advisers to better understand requirements and academic standards. Perhaps she'd underestimated his drive and commitment.

Hakkaku still had another year beyond Ginta's. Kagome wasn't sure how he would handle being left on his own within the pack let alone outside of it when his time came. Kagome had never seen him without Ginta. The two were always together and they communicated with each other so well. He was also the clingy one on their trips around the city.

It had been Sesshoumaru's idea for her to take them around to the places she had visited months previous. The Golden Gate and Alcatraz and such. He'd told her it would be good for her. She hadn't been able to see it at the time, only desperate to fill the time of her littles visit with worthwhile pursuits. Even Ayame was more pleasant to deal with on the trips out into the city. The distraction of new sites and experiences helped to take her attention off whatever Kagome might be doing.

"Come on Loverboy," Emily called to Ginta from the hospital bed. "We haven't got all day for this."

"Are you sure?" Bonnie teased. "I think you should take all the time in the world."

"Hush you," Emily scolded and Kagome couldn't help but smile. Emily knew how hard being around Jeremy's room was for Kagome and had changed her chores around accordingly so that Bonnie always came last. More often than not, the exuberant teen was present, ready to tease any male so bold as to enter and behaving as badly as a cancer patient could.

Ginta rumbled a chuckle before tapping Bonnie on the nose with a blunt claw. "Behave," was the word he left her with when he turned back to the task of removing the sheets before handing them off to Hakkaku and taking the new set from Emily to help redress the bed.

"Damn," Bonnie muttered. "If I was a little closer I could grope him!"

Kagome was past the point of astonished castigation. Instead she choked on air, torn between being scandalized and driven to laughter.

Naturally something had to end their hilarity.

"Hey, is Emil in there?" came a voice from the door. All the occupants of the room turned to see the youkai teenager leaning into the room. Jewel was such a pretty female, Kagome noted. If only she weren't such a nasty brat. Even Ayame didn't like Jewel, as much for her disrespect of Emily, the only kinsmen willing to claim any responsibility for her health and safety as for her rampant snobbery. Jewel had snubbed the wolves from first introduction for their lack of designer clothing and expensive tech gadgets. Which annoyed Kagome since the miko well knew Jewel didn't dress in designer and her phone was two years old. Emily couldn't afford to dress the twit in haute couture.

Not that she should even if she could. Jewel was only just twelve two weeks ago. No reason for her to be setting fashion trends or aping them either.

"No one here by that name," Bonnie responded pleasantly clearly ignoring the sudden tension from everyone in the room.

Jewel blinked at pale Bonnie in her wheel chair before looking a bit farther into the room. Naturally she spotted Emily helping Ginta tug the sheets tight on the bed. "He's right there," she declared. "Are you almost done?"

"You must be mistaken," Bonnie rebuffed the stuck up youkai firmly. "There are only two males in this room and neither is named Emil. Perhaps you should continue your search elsewhere." Bonnie purposely wheeled herself to the door to block Jewel entry to her room. "I do not like rude people spewing disrespectful poison in my room. As I am stuck here and you are not, I must ask you to leave."

"Look here you sickly waste of flesh-"

"I believe you have been asked to remove yourself from a room you have no purpose in," Ayame cut in.

"Don't be daft," Jewel sputtered. "I don't care what some terminally mortal patient says, I need to talk to Emil and he is right there!"

"And you have been told there is no one here by that name. The two males in that room are my pack mates, Ginta and Hakkaku. No one else in there identifies as male. None answer to Emil, so get lost," Ayame continued forcefully.

"I don't care what daft ideas he's gotten into his head by living in this crazy town he was born male and pretending to ignore that doesn't make a difference!" Jewel shouted, impassioned by the criticism received by lesser beings.

At least four people snorted in disdain. Kagome wasn't certain who it was that didn't make the gesture. "Of course it does," Bonnie scoffed. "After all, you weren't born a pretentious bitch you only grew into that later. It's the same for Emily. She may not have been born female, but she successfully grew into one."

"I am not a bitch and she is not a girl!"

"I'm afraid that's hard to believe given your lack of manners and full blown disrespect shown to the only member of your family still willing to claim responsibility as such," Ayame scoffed. "You should be grateful your cousin bothered to take you in at all. Most would have accepted your banishment as a free pass to leave you to your own devices regardless of whether you starve to death that way or not. It would have been fully accepted to leave you to your outcast state on your own," Ayame growled, her eyes slitted in disgusted rage.

Jewel's behavior upset Ginta and Hakkaku and she would no longer tolerate it. Emily's preferred gender identity in no way threatened the gender roles accepted by the wolves. Their clan fully recognized three genders before the advent of modern surgeries. There was always that gender allowed for those whose soul did not match the body assigned to house it. The wolves took it as a lesson. To look beyond sex to spirit for worth, love and connection. "You had better learn proper manners before someone not related to you takes enough offense to rearrange your face for your continued insult to life on this planet. Your guardian goes by Emily. Regardless of your opinions concerning the lifestyle she lives, using the name chosen by your cousin is the only form of address you should be using," Ayame declared in a solid growl.

Kagome smiled at the she-wolf. The two of them may not see eye to eye on almost anything, but Kagome had long thought Jewel could use a good lesson in manners. Bonnie and Ayame could give it without risk of upsetting Emily too much, Kagome couldn't. She was too much older than the bratty youkai. She couldn't call her out for the insults Emily put up with because Kagome wasn't family and couldn't be classified as a peer for Jewel. But Bonnie was 17 and Ayame was proudly certain to add the six months onto her aggressive 15.

The red head nodded to Kagome before grabbing Jewel by the arm and dragging her out of the hospital room trailed by a vociferous Bonnie in her red hat.

"She shouldn't treat you like that," Hakkaku declared seriously, his gaze locked on the stunned expression worn by Emily. "Calling you by name is hardly a difficult concession to make even if she has trouble grasping the concept of the third gender." Such was a very generous allowance on his part since their pack grew up with the knowledge of the third gender from infancy. Even if the third gender was in actuality a fourth, fifth and sixth gender.

"Hopefully she'll learn that," Kagome smiled as they continued their work cleaning Bonnie's room. The teenager wouldn't be gone long as her strength was fast to wane. She would send Ginta to retrieve her in ten minutes if she didn't come back on her own. Jewel's education might take a long time and it was best if it was allowed to do so. Ayame could only stay if someone else brought Bonnie back in her chair.

Sesshoumaru would laugh when he heard how Jewel's disrespect had been taken down. He didn't much like Ayame and thought Bonnie was a trip. The two girls rarely got along, so hearing about the two of them setting Jewel straight would amuse him mightily. And she would hear some more about Trish, the chatterbox that played with his hair and gave Inuyasha more than he could take. Maybe she'd catch him in the midst of a sleep over and get to talk to the little girl again. Or maybe he'd be out at the Maxwell's and Nonny would hop into the discussion.

Kagome smiled secretly to herself. The last two months, those phone calls had to be her favorite time of the day, partly because everyone else left her alone to make them and partly because there was so much going on with his life right now. And he validated her comfort in the support group and dinners afterward, reassuring her that it didn't make her crazy to benefit from group therapy and encouraging her to talk to Cheryl or anyone else she felt comfortable with.