AUTHOR'S NOTE: Why did I get another notification on Chapter 37 of Jasper's Journey?
I messed up on the initial version of this chapter. I had stated at some point a fact that I recently realized was entirely false and I needed to rectify this. So... you get almost 800 more words in this chapter, so please re-read those to understand where Jasper and Lapis actually stand at this point. Thanks so much, and sorry for having to do this! See you all tomorrow for Chapter 38.
Chapter 37 - Elephant in the Room
Jasper had fought in several battles she could call exhausting, even though she was a gem and technically didn't need to sleep. She never thought she'd be able to compare a television show to an exhausting battle.
But here she was.
Jasper had finally escaped the discussion once she and Peridot had finally decided on the ultimate tetrad of campers. She didn't know how long she had been sleeping, but she felt it hadn't been long and she was feeling uncomfortably restless.
She knew she'd know soon enough, but Peridot was taking a rare nap and Jasper knew it was probably nearly the morning at this point. Being careful to not wake Peridot, or anyone else, up, Jasper grabbed a couple bags of cheesy puffs and snuck out of the barn.
The barn was on a hill just outside of beach city, and so the ocean was just visible from various high points, whether it was atop the silo now just jutting out of the side of the barn or the barn roof itself.
Jasper decided to get atop the silo to get a better look at the sun rising. She'd never say it out loud except maybe to Steven, but the sun rising was one of Jasper's favorite things about earth in particular. It was hard to find a planet with such abundance of organic life, and it only enhanced the beauty of it. She was wary of the fact that Lapis Lazuli hadn't been in the barn and had likely slipped out at some point, and Jasper didn't know where the blue gem could be, but she wasn't on top of the roof or the silo, and that was a relief.
The only problem Jasper had with the sunrise was that it also reminded her of what had happened during another sunrise.
She decided to try and ignore it, but she couldn't. Not when Lapis Lazuli could be anywhere.
She didn't sh… destroy me on the spot back when I was living under the porch. Jasper thought, And she asked why I didn't attack the Quartz Child then and there…
Jasper shook her head with a chuckle, But I know why. He was concerned, and didn't attack me when he had the chance… and it was nice to know someone was concerned about you… even though it was my enemy at the time…
He cared, and I really needed that at that moment. I can't believe I'm even thinking this.
Jasper watched as the sun continued to rise.
They see this every morning, huh… Jasper found herself smiling. Every bad thing that's happened to me here was during the sunrise. But… still, I like watching it. Besides… not every sunrise means a bad thing is going to happen.
"Jasper."
Jasper jumped at that voice and almost fell off the silo. She had actually wanted to fall off of the silo to avoid the owner of said voice, but her arm was caught before she could really start falling.
Eye contact itself is extremely awkward if you don't intend to make eye contact. It's worse when its eye contact with someone who may have every right in the book to destroy you, or who you might have a right to destroy, but have no chance of even coming close to doing so.
But here Jasper was, making eye contact with Lapis Lazuli, who had, for some reason, stopped her from falling off of the silo.
"We need to talk," Lapis Lazuli said, somehow keeping a straight face. Jasper couldn't get herself to immediately respond with anything other than a slow nod.
Jasper was burning through the two bags of cheesy puffs she had brought. She remembered Steven calling this sort of thing 'stress eating'.
The name fit the habit, and she found herself wishing she had the rest of her bags of cheesy puffs as the ones she currently had ran out.
"Listen, I…" Lapis Lazuli began, "I get that you're anxious whenever I'm around, but we really need to talk about what happened with Malachite if you're going to stick around here."
"Right, uh, but before that," Jasper stammered, getting ready to jump off the silo in an attempt to escape, "I'm gonna… go get more of these cheesy puffs."
"Cheesy puffs- Jasper, wait-"
Jasper had already jumped off the silo and was making a beeline for the woods instead of the barn. It didn't take Lapis Lazuli long to catch up to her.
"The cheesy puffs are in the barn," Lapis Lazuli deadpanned, and Jasper felt that if she could sweat she certainly would be.
"Yup, right," Jasper answered, changing from a fast-walk to a run into the woods. She knew that she would never be able to outrun Lapis Lazuli, who could fly, an ability Jasper would always be envious of.
"Jasper, why are you running away? We need to talk about this-"
"I always run in the woods every day."
"No you don't!"
"I do now," Jasper knew this was ridiculous and probably futile, but she couldn't face Lapis Lazuli. Not now. Not like this.
The two were already deep into the woods at this point. Jasper knew she wasn't going to get away. She knew this conversation was going to happen, but it wasn't going to stop her from trying to delay it for as long as possible. She couldn't face Lapis Lazuli like this. Not now.
"Dang it, Jasper! You can't run from this forever!" Jasper heard Lapis Lazuli getting angrier and had a brief thought to stop, but fear and adrenaline kept her going.
"This isn't you!"
Finally, Jasper stopped.
Ten months of being stuck with Lapis Lazuli in a fusion meant that the two knew what the other was like far better than either wished they did. It wasn't like Jasper to run from her problems, but that had changed.
Why had it changed?
"Listen, I don't like having to talk to you about this either, but if you're going to be here, this needs to-"
"Not now."
"Why not now?" Lapis Lazuli continued to interrogate Jasper, "Why is now any worse than any other time?"
"I can't do this right now," Jasper answered. She knew she was shaking. This really wasn't like her.
"If not now, then when?!" Lapis Lazuli said. She was audibly angered, but Jasper couldn't do much but bear it, "We need to talk, Jasper. I can't be around you if we don't!"
"You think I don't know that? Do you think it's easy to be around you?!" Jasper shouted, spinning around to look at Lapis Lazuli. She stood there, hands balled into fists, and slightly less stoic than usual. She wore the same expression Jasper had seen enough of.
Jasper felt her composure, or what little she had left of it, break. First her arms gave into gravity, and then her knees. She covered her face, looking down at the ground, with her hands. It was the only thing she could do to hide even a little bit of the overwhelming weakness she felt.
And again, just as it had been during those ten months under the sea, Jasper lost all control of the situation, and Lapis Lazuli had all of it.
"Just get rid of me. It'd be easier on both of us," Jasper said, and realized very quickly she was crying. "I- I can't do this. Not now. You know why."
Jasper heard a sigh that she first thought was of exasperation, but soon realized it was more out of exhaustion.
"I'm not going to shatter you, so stop being so scared that I'm going to. I'm not."
"Why?" Jasper asked, "Don't you have every reason to?"
"Do you still think Malachite was your fault? That all that suffering was because of you?" Lapis Lazuli asked, "Sure, there are reasons I could shatter you, but that would mean I haven't changed since… since Malachite."
Jasper glanced up at Lapis Lazuli. She was looking down and to the side, one hand holding her forehead not as if she had a headache, but more because she seemed to be disappointed. She looked down again.
She's… she's not disappointed in me- she's disappointed in herself. Jasper realized.
"We both had our own reasons," Lapis Lazuli said, "But all Malachite was… was just a way for me to take out my frustrations on someone. On you. And that was wrong. I need you to understand that."
"You did it to protect Steven," Jasper managed to retort, although weakly.
"I didn't do it to protect Steven. The entire thing… you would have been defeated if I hadn't agreed to fuse with you. Malachite made it worse for him. For all of them…" Lapis Lazuli answered, almost trailing off before her voice picked up again, "The only reason we became Malachite… was so that I could hurt you to make myself feel better, and that was horrible of me. I'm sorry."
Jasper couldn't come up with a response. She was right. If Lapis Lazuli had refused Jasper's request to fuse, Jasper would have been defeated right then and there. There really was only one reason Lapis Lazuli could have wanted to fuse with her, and it had nothing to do with helping Jasper.
Jasper wanted to be angry, but she couldn't find it in herself to lash out at Lapis Lazuli. She couldn't get herself to do anything at all.
…I really want to hurt her, to get revenge, but at the same time… Jasper thought, I'm scared. Even if I tell myself to try, every part of me just seems to hold me back…
Just like it was when we were Malachite.
"I know that a simple apology isn't going to solve everything or anything," Lapis Lazuli continued, "But I wanted you to understand. Malachite was terrible. And that wasn't your fault. It was mine. And I'm working on it. I'm never going to take out my anger on you, or anyone else, like that again. I'm not going to hurt you."
"How can you… just… say that?" Jasper asked, "How can I trust that you're going to keep your word? You know what you put me through."
"I-"
"I thought I was strong," Jasper said, "But because of you I feel like… I'm nothing on my own. And you… can just apologize like that? You can just… try to move on?"
"I know it's not that simple," Lapis Lazuli said, "But… I have to move forward. We both need to move forward. There's no other way to go."
"You destroyed who I thought I was," Jasper said, looking up at Lapis Lazuli, who flinched, "Everything I was supposed to be… everything I was, just…" Jasper looked down at the ground again, "…gone in an instant…"
"I'm sorry," Lapis Lazuli said again, sounding pained in her words.
"You…" Jasper started to stand up again, "…you can move on, but what about me? I lost everything I was because of Malachite- because of you! I can't just… forgive you for all of that!"
The two stood there, Jasper feeling as if she was daring Lapis Lazuli to make eye contact, and Lapis Lazuli being entirely unable to do so. As if Jasper had finally gotten a semblance of control over the situation for once, although she knew it was only a semblance.
"I know," Lapis Lazuli said weakly, "I'm… I'm not asking for you to forgive me. You don't have to. You shouldn't."
"But part of me wants to. And that's…" Jasper sat down again, a hand holding her head and covering her face, "That's the worst part. I should hate you. But everything… everything just always goes back to those fifteen minutes where, for once… I was in control of Malachite and I was… I was powerful. I was what I was supposed to be. But even that wasn't enough. They still… they defeated us. And every time I think about it, it's always…"
Jasper sighed, disappointed in herself. "If only I hadn't been fighting you. If only we could have worked together. I keep blaming myself, even though you keep saying that it's not my fault. You… were in control. You can move on. I can't, because everything that kept me going was left behind once Malachite was defeated. I lost my purpose because of you."
Lapis Lazuli was upset, but the expression she had previously wore, the one that reminded Jasper painfully of their time as Malachite, was gone. Any hint of anger Lapis Lazuli had, Jasper knew, was directed at the powerful water gem herself. She sat down only a couple of feet across from Jasper.
"I'll never really know how much I hurt you," Lapis Lazuli said after what felt like several quiet minutes had passed, "And apologizing isn't ever going to be enough. I don't know what I can do to make up for what I've done."
"I'm not sure if there's anything you can do," Jasper answered.
"I don't think there is," Lapis Lazuli replied, solemnly, "I'm sorry. I feel like apologizing is all I can do."
"Heh," Jasper said, "At least you're trying to do something, I guess."
"But it's not enough," Lapis Lazuli said.
"…It's going to take a while," Jasper said after a moment, "But… that's fine. Sorry is a start."
"What?" Lapis Lazuli asked, surprised. She hadn't thought she'd made an inch of progress in the conversation up until now.
"We got to talk," Jasper said, "and as… as scared as I was- as I still am, of you, of this conversation… I'm glad we got to talk about it. I'm glad I got to talk to someone about how I felt about it."
"I'm glad, too."
Jasper finally looked up. Lapis Lazuli was holding out a hand to her, offering to help her up.
"Come on, let's go back. Peridot's probably freaking out."
Jasper nodded, and took Lapis Lazuli's hand.
AUTHOR'S NOTE
Thanks again to Sneezy Soul for being the beta reader for this, especially on such short notice, and thanks to luciayshadow for helping me realize my mistake of stating that Lapis fused with Jasper to protect Steven! This wasn't the case at all since Steven and the Crystal Gems would have been in a better situation if the fusion had never happened! I was trying really hard to get this chapter right, which is why it warrants all of the additional 800~ words that ended up being added in order to rectify this mistake! Thanks again and see you all tomorrow for Chapter 38!