Title: Facing Forward

Author: ZombieJazz

Fandom: SVU

Disclaimer: I don't own them. Law&Order: Special Victims Unit and its characters belong to Dick Wolf. The character of Jack, Benji and Emmy have been created and developed for the sake of this AU series.

Summary: Brian Cassidy and Olivia Benson attempt to cope with his past abuse while trying to maintain their relationship and raise their family. This set of chapters is set in the aftermath of the S20E16 (Facing Demons). The story is also set in the Hello, Goodbye and Welcome Home AU.

"So does this mean I should actually be grabbing the kids something for Easter?" Jack asked as they left the store.

Olivia gave him a glance. "If you want. Just don't go overboard, Jack."

He made a noise and gave her some of those sarcastic eyes. "Is the egg hunt going to be 'coupons' again?" he asked.

She rolled her eyes at that. "Jack, the kids loved that."

She got another look. "You realize that you gave them 'coupons' to things you already do with them. Picking a movie, going out for ice cream, deciding on the take-out."

Olivia shrugged. "It makes them feel in control," she said. "Like big kids. And it's not plastic, Dollar Store, loot bag junk that will be broken and forgotten by Sunday afternoon."

"So you're saying going to the Dollar Store isn't on your list of errands tonight?" he teased.

She shrugged again. "If you want to go there or get them something from the Dollar Store, Jack, that's fine. Just please don't get them any of that blind bag crap."

"Ohhh," he said and cast her another look. "Is this where I get your spiel about how it is in essence introducing pre-schoolers to gambling?"

"It is," she said. "And I could actually get them nicer toys at the Dollar Stores I go into. And I really don't want to deal with meltdowns about them not getting the toy they want or a duplicate or thinking that LOL Dolls is what they are going to start spending their allowance on every week. Do you have any idea how much those things cost?"

"Do you have any idea how much a bottle of craft glue costs?" he put back to her. "And yet you buy it."

She sighed. "At least it's getting used for art and science projects."

He scuffed his feet on the sidewalk again. "How are the rubber eggs looking?" he asked of the experiment he started with the kids on Sunday.

She allowed him a thin smile. "Like not much to me. But they've had them completely silent and transfixed staring at them while they eat their breakfast cereal the past two mornings. So I'd say the experiment is working pretty well."

He made an amused noise and gave her a bit of a glance. "I saw a bunch of experiments could do with the extra jellybeans, if you actually end up being around. Peeps too."

She gave a little nod. She'd looked up some of that stuff too. Science and crafts. And parks and playgrounds. With some sports practice or the Y swimming pool thrown in. And a movie and take-out if they were lucky. That was their weekends. She really had to stock up on the science and craft ideas to keep some variety in there. Though, she was pretty sure that the kids – much like their dad – would be perfectly happy doing the same thing over and over and over again. They were with slime and with mixing baking soda and vinegar.

"Honestly, Jack, we're likely going to be around," she sighed. "The weather isn't supposed to be great. We aren't expecting Benji to be bounced back yet."

He gave her a look. "I thought you guys both booked a few days," he said. "Boston or whale watching or something?"

She sighed again and shook her head. "It's too cold. It wouldn't be fun. It's supposed to be rainy and windy all weekend. Maybe if the weather's decent we might do a bit of a daytrip, a drive, somewhere. Not far. Just a bit of a change of scenery."

He stared at her. "So you booked days off to sit around the house?"

She shrugged. "We booked some days off to have some family time," Olivia said. "If Benji's feeling up to it, we'll likely go to a couple of the museums. He's been asking about the Spy Museum and there's a couple new exhibits at the Natural History Museum that I'd like to get them to."

"You realize those places are going to be completely insane with Spring Break and Easter and Passover – and everyone taking a few days off for the holidays if they can and not wanting to be stuck inside for days on end if we're heading into shit weather and the parks and beaches become a non-option."

"I do realize that," she said. "But we'll figure it out. Maybe we'll go to a movie. Maybe we'll go a bit farther afield to avoid the Manhattan crowds and check out the museums in Nassau County or the Long Island Aquarium. I don't know. I'm serious – we are having a lot of trouble doing any kind of advanced planning right now. But we can call you when we see how Benji is in the morning and let you know what we're up to – and you can tag along if you want."

"A lot of that doesn't really sound like my kind of thing," he muttered.

She shrugged. "I know," she allowed. "But it's family time. It's about taking an interest to maintain the relationship. They're only little so long, Jack."

He made a sound and gave her a glance. "Yea, well, it's pretty much any other week or weekend for me. I basically just have Sunday off. Usual."

She gave a little nod. And she refrained from commenting on his extended commentary that made it sound like they were abandoning him over Easter – when apparently he didn't have any of his own time booked off work as it was. But she expected that. He wasn't at the age and stage of his life that he would. He did work part-time jobs still. He had his Masters thesis to wrap up. And now he had this CAC Young Architect design to get done. She fully expected that they'd be going through another period from now until into about June where Jack was a little scarce in their lives again.

"If you're around, though," he said. "I might come over Saturday night. Plant the jelly beans with them. See them do their egg hunt Sunday morning – even if it's once again super lame goodies the Bunny left."

She gave him a look. "They like the 'coupon', Jack. And I like they're about family time and experiences – not materialism and pre-diabetes. We're supposed to be watching the amount of sugar Benji eats right now – to try to reduce some of the inflammation in his body."

"Yea, but the Bunny must be delivering some candy this year," he pressed.

Olivia shook her head. "The Bunny is delivering Lego Bunnies – not chocolate bunnies this year."

He gave her another look. "Seriously?"

"Seriously."

He made a face.

"Jack," she pressed, "I don't need to get them candy. You'll do the planted jellybeans and I assume the candy flower to grow. If we're around on Friday or Saturday, I'm sure Janet will be by or wanting us to bring the kids over so she can do Bunny Bait with them. If we're around Sunday, again, I'm sure she'll be over at some point with some sweet dessert or sugar-coma breakfast."

"Brian's not doing breakfast?" Jack gaped.

She rolled her eyes. "What? If Brian's not doing breakfast and there's no chocolate in the baskets, you aren't staying over Saturday night?"

Jack shrugged. "Brian's definition of holiday brunch is about ten-times better than the bagels and cream cheese that you define as holiday-style breakfast."

"It is 'mom gets a holiday breakfast'," she said. Jack just tilted his head at her. He wasn't buying that. "Jack, you know Brian does a big breakfast on the weekend."

"Usually Saturday," Jack said. "I'm not usually there Saturdays. Holidays – he does it on the holiday. It is part of the reason I am still there Christmas morning and Easter morning."

"Right," Olivia said. "Your two little siblings have absolutely nothing to do with it."

He shrugged. "They sometimes are an added bonus – depending on their temperament. But a redeeming factor of tolerating Brian's presence in our family is that he's a much better cook than you."

"Thank you, Jack," she looked at him. "I really appreciate you saying that."

"You realize when we met you didn't have food or pots in your kitchen."

"And yet everyone is still alive and somehow much more nourished than when any of you arrived in my custody," she put back to him.

"Yea, that somehow might be … that you started fucking Brian – again - shortly after our arrival and he realized food was the way to everybody's hearts. And … your … "

"That's lovely, Jack," she muttered. "Thank you for framing a seven year relationship with the man I'm raising two children with in quite that way. Also a vastly inaccurate representation of how anything happened between us or within our family."

He gave her a smile and shrugged. "So is Brian making breakfast or not?"

She shrugged. "I would assume he'll be making breakfast. It hasn't been at the top of my list of things to talk to him about lately. But that is his routine."

"And what about dinner?" Jack said.

She gaped at him. "Jack, are you starving?"

He shrugged. "I can always eat."

"OK. Well, shockingly, our family also still tends to have dinner every day of the week. So, yes – there will be food on the table at dinner."

"What?" he asked.

"Again," she pressed at him, "that's not something we've particularly planned or talked about."

"Ham?"

She quietly groaned. "Maybe. Maybe steak – because Brian wants to get to use his barbecue."

"For Easter?" Jack in toned at her.

She shrugged. "I really don't know. And I really don't care. It will depend on how Benji's doing. It will depend on if we end up sending the day at home or out and about. It will likely depend on if people come over – or invite us over. If Don and Eileen stop by – again, I'm sure they'll have one of those chocolate eggs from her son's farm market for each of them. We have some a bag of mini eggs to put out for the egg hunt too. To share. That's more than enough sweets. And more than enough food."

He looked at her. "Then why are we going to some European chocolate place?"

Olivia rubbed her eyebrow. "I wanted to pick up something for Brian."

And she got a real teasing look at that. "You're going to spend … what like twenty-plus bucks on some bougie-ass chocolate rabbit for Brian? Do you know Brian Cassidy?"

"I'm going to see if they've got some sort of dark chocolate without the dairy," she said.

"Right," Jack said. "Dark chocolate? Isn't that some kind of aphrodisiac? What kinda shopping outing are you really taking me on?"

"If you saw what dairy does to him lately you wouldn't be making those kinds of comments."

"That's not what I hear," Jack said.

Olivia gave him a look.

"Heard Jamin walked in on you. More than once. I won't get into how disturbing that is on numerous levels."

Olivia rubbed her eyebrow again. "It was only once."

"Not what he says," Jack gave her a glance.

She exhaled and shook her head, catching his eye. "It was once," she said firmly.

Though she knew the 'more than once' was likely a reference to Benji coming downstairs while they were kissing on the couch – at the point where it was a bit more than kissing, and if he hadn't come down they likely would've been moving upstairs very shortly. But they hadn't gotten that far – because lover time ended and parenting time started again. Just like most nights.

Still she kept Jack's eye. "And it was as much his fault as it was our mishap."

Jack cast her a look. "Maybe you should try locking the door or at least keeping it down so they don't have to listen to it."

She made a little sound at that. "Jack, if the kids hear anything – they aren't hearing much. We are aware there are sleeping children in the house – and shockingly, we really don't want to wake them or be walked in on either. I am very certain – because we have talked to Benji about it – that he did not see, or hear much. And if he did – the tiny, fully cover glimpse in the dark he might've caught, would've been of two parents who care about each other very much and who are still attracted to each other. Nothing horribly scarring or disgusting. We didn't treat it that way with him. He didn't react that way in the moment – or since. And if he brings it up with you again – you really need to keep your hang-ups about sex and relationships out of it. Tell us and we'll make sure we check-in with him again to make sure he's OK with what happened."

"It shouldn't have happened," Jack said.

She gave him a look. "And yet it did, Jack. And, you know what, for a lot of families – at some point in most people's childhoods it does at some point in some way. You know how both those kids are about closed doors and locked doors. Just like they both know they are supposed to knock when we do actually close the door. Yes, we've had mishaps lately, Jack. Yes, Benji's had some nights where he really hasn't been feeling well or he's been more than a little scared and he's not been thinking about rules or Mom and Dad's privacy when he's seen a closed door. But he also hasn't come remotely close to seeing anything that will have scarred him for life. And, despite what he has walked in on, the way we've dealt with the situation – we've had a little boy who still wants to immediately hug us or be held by us or crawl right into bed with us or have us lay with him until he's sleeping again. So … I don't know, Jack. What does that say? Are we doing something right? Or are we doing something wrong? Or at this point, is it really just none of your business maybe …?"

He gazed at her. "He brought it up," he said. "Not me. I'm just letting you know."

"Well, thank you, Jack," she said. "I'm thrilled you're being kept abreast of the fact that, yes, I still have sex on occasion."

"Way Jamin tells it it's more than on occasion," Jack said.

She shook her head and shrugged. "You're right, Jack. Brian and I – shockingly – have sex more than on occasion."

"That is kinda shocking …," Jack tried. She knew he'd tried to have some mocking sarcasm to it. But it didn't work and she just gave him a look. "I sort of thought you guys might be on the rocks for a while …"

"I really don't think this is a topic you actually want to talk about. And it's really not a topic I want to get into with you," Olivia said.

"OK …," Jack allowed and cast her some side-eye. "I just meant that … things seemed kinda tense for a while. Ben and Em sorta said you were fighting a lot. Or something. Reading between the lines it sounded like you were fighting. And then all of a sudden you guys asked me to do week-night sitting. Like three times. And then now it's like you're suddenly … fine. Or … I don't know. Now I get told about Jamin seeing you guys basically dry humping on the couch."

Olivia gave him a disgusted look and shook her head. "I was going to respond to part of that until you went and said that, Jack. That's … " she just shook her head. She didn't even know what to say to him. "You really think that's an appropriate thing to say to me?"

He shrugged. "I just meant … I can tell stuff is going on with you guys. And no one really tells me what."

She kept his eyes. "And you tell me what's going on with your relationships or sex life, Jack? With this girlfriend I'm not supposed to know about?"

She caught some daggers for that comment. "Brian has a big mouth."

"Actually, he doesn't," she said. "All I got told is that you're seeing someone. But that's still more than you can apparently bring yourself to tell me."

"Because maybe it's really just none of your business," he mouthed right back at her in the same line she'd just used on him.

She shrugged. "I can accept that. But it does make me wonder why I'm not allowed to know you're dating again and if it's actually graduated to 'seeing someone' why I'm not allowed to know anything about it or her."

He gave her a look. "And that right there is why. Why am I not allowed to know you guys are – or were - seeing a shrink? Or therapist or whatever it is? … or was?"

She sighed at him and shook her head. "Jack …"

"Olivia," he pressed at her. "I just … you'll make it into a thing. Or you'll bring up all kinds of shit about Christina and how that went. Or spout off all kinds of shit about me and how fucked in the head I am about relationships and women. And you'll say it in a really nice, supportive, pep talk way that will still make me feel like absolute shit. So I just don't want to get into it."

She stared at him. "Is that really the way I make you feel?"

He sighed at her and just kept walking.

"Jack," she managed to get out. "That's not the way I mean to make you feel. I don't feel like what happened between you and Christina was your fault and I also—"

He glared at her. "Only it was my fault. Because I wasn't the kind of guy she wanted or needed. And I was the kind of guy who still was completely pathetic and still flying to fucking Chicago every month even though I knew she was fucking around on me because apparently … I'm that shit in bed and that shit as a boyfriend and that shit at relationships and women."

"Jack … I don't think that's the way you should look at it," she sighed. "That's not the way I want you to look at it."

"You told me to cut my losses. To stop going out there. I didn't. Even after I knew she was seeing someone else."

"She was your first love," Olivia tried. "It just took you a while to … accept it was over. She played a role in that too, Jack. She … she had trouble letting go too and strung you along … kept you on the side … for longer than she should've. Because I think she just didn't know how to handle the whole situation either. Because she knew you and did care about you, Jack. She didn't want to hurt you. She was … trying not to … poorly … Christina just made some poor choices about how to handle it. So did you. And … it was a hard situation, sweetheart."

"OK," Jack muttered. "And now … great … I'm getting the 'sweetheart' line. And we're fucking talking about Christina again. And I'm not seeing Christina anymore. I haven't talked to her in … almost a year. And I really don't want to think about her – or any of that – while I'm trying to figure out a relationship – when I apparently don't know how to be in relationships."

Olivia gazed at him. "Does this girl … woman … does she feel like you don't know how to be in a relationship with her?"

Jack made a noise and shook his head. "She's likely even more fucked up about relationships than me. So clearly, this is a match made in Heaven that's going to end in complete fucking disaster. Which is why I don't want to talk about it with you. Or have your advice or hear your opinions."

She gazed at him again. "And if you really feel right now that this is going to end in a complete disaster do you need to hear any opinions other than that gut feeling you're having?"

He gave her a look. "My gut feeling is that I don't care if this turns into a real relationship – because right now … fucking grocery shopping, scrubbing the toilet, watching these fucking boring documentaries with her … it's better. That we can talk about everything and nothing and it all feels the same. She's my friend. Lately … she's my best friend."

Olivia gave him a look. She studied him. "OK …," she allowed. Though, she clocked the 'turns into a real relationship'. She clocked the 'friend' word choice.

Jack scuffed his feet against the pavement again. "Brian's your best friend. Right?"

"He is," she allowed.

"When'd you know that? Like how long had you known him?"

"Ah …," Olivia allowed and paced next to him. Their walk had slowed. It was at a crawl now – almost like they were hardly moving. "I don't know, sweetheart. That's a hard question. It was something that evolved over time. Just closeness and shared experiences and happy memories … good times despite the bad … there reached a point where you … I … just realized I'd shared a lot of my life with this person."

"But you guys are so … different …" Jack almost whispered.

Olivia shrugged a bit. "We are and we aren't. I like to think we balance each other out."

Jack made a quiet little amused sound at that. She wasn't sure if it was agreement or disagreement.

"I feel like … I have … known her a long time. And I like that."

"You have known her a long time?" Olivia pressed a bit.

Jack cast her a little look. "Please, don't," he said.

She paced forward pressing a strand of hair behind her ear. She didn't want to verbally say to Jack that it never seemed like he had many friends. But it didn't. There were only a handful of people she'd ever met who were in his life outside their family. And they were more acquaintances and co-workers and colleagues than friends. Though, she knew what that was like. She knew Brian did too.

"Do you know her from school?" she tried.

"No," he said.

"Skateboarding? The skate shop? Sparrow?" she asked – maybe a little too hopefully, because he gave her another pleading look to stop. She stared at her feet.

So maybe Sparrow? She'd always kind of liked that girl behind the counter at Gecko's. She wasn't thrilled with her multi-colored hair, lip ring and nose ring. But she was a nice girl and well-spoken and she was always teasing Jack when Olivia was in there. They seemed to have a lot in common and a calm, almost flirtatious banter. Despite Jack having been with Christina for so long. But this girl – Sparrow – she might be an easy transition for a rebound relationship. Maybe too easy.

"I feel like we're real different a lot too, though," Jack said. So maybe not Sparrow? "And sometimes I like that but sometimes it makes me feel like … shit just won't work."

"You're still young, Jack," Olivia offered. "You don't have to be going into a relationship looking for 'the one'. That's a lot of pressure."

"I know," he muttered. "I feel like … I did too much of that with Christina. Way too much pressure. And just … it made things so imbalanced from the get. Like … fuck … there was so much imbalance there. So much that … I don't know … I just wasn't comfortable with and didn't know how to deal with."

"Because when relationships get real, Jack, they get complicated. Right now, it sounds like … you're having fun with this girl. So … you're allowed to just enjoy that for a while."

"It's been a while …" Jack said.

She gazed at him. "Has it?"

He just shrugged. She didn't get an answer. But Olivia knew it'd been a while. She could make an educated guess. And she'd place it around Christmas. Maybe longer if they were 'friends' for a long time.

"I feel pulled in all kinds of directions right now," he muttered. "Especially like … I don't know. Weekends, this weekend – with a holiday. It's like … I want to see the kids and you but I also want to spend time with her. And then I know you think I'm a lazy ass, but Mom, seriously? I work Gecko's. I teach classes. I'm working on my thesis and going to school. And volunteering on community advisor boards for kids and park development and space usage. It's not like I'm … " he made a little noise.

Olivia squeezed his elbow a bit and he gave her a look. "We don't think you're lazy, Jack. We know you're busy. We just want you to be … to start … living your adult life."

"I'm trying," he said. "It's just … there's only so many hours in the day. And week. And weekend. Some nights I'm hardly sleeping to try to … get everything done, be everything to everyone."

"That's not good, Jack."

"But it's what I've got to do."

"Well, Jack … I know I'm not supposed to know about your girlfriend and you don't want me to have opinions on your girlfriend or relationship … but you know that this girl … woman … is welcome to come over to the house with you, if that makes things easier."

He sighed and looked at her. "Mom, it won't. Introducing family is like … deep end shit. It's serious. And it's not just you meeting her. It's … Jamin and Ducky getting involved with it too."

She allowed a sad little nod. "I understand," she said.

Jack gave a slow exhale. "I don't know. Maybe … like just you can meet her … us … for a coffee or something. Maybe."

"I'd like that," Olivia said.

Jack nodded a bit. "It's just like she gets some of my baggage. I get some of her baggage. And she doesn't fucking hound me about it or make it weird. I don't want to make it weirder. Family just makes it start to get seriously weird."

"Baggage is a pretty loaded term, Jack …," she said. "It worries me when you're using terms like that and then you're telling me your gut says the end-game of this is emotional disaster."

He gave her a look. "I know … but it's like, right now … just figuring it out, doing our own thing, at our own pace, our own way … that's fine. It's working fine."

Olivia examined him. "Is she still in school too?"

"Don't," he said giving her a firmer look.

"What's she do?"

He shook his head at her.

Olivia exhaled a bit. "How long have you been 'seeing' her?"

Jack shrugged. "That would mean putting some kind of definition or constraint on what we've got going on. Or when we were this or that or the other thing. So I don't know."

"OK …," she allowed.

He gave her a look. "How long have you been seeing Brian?"

"OK …," she conceded. "Point taken."

He got quiet. They did. And they walked for a bit. "Can I ask something that … I feel weird asking … and you don't have to answer …"

"You can ask …," Olivia allowed.

"After … what happened … how long did it take you to figure out how to be … normal?"

Olivia gazed at him and rubbed her eyebrow. "Are you asking that because of your relationship with Christina or because of something to do with your uncle?"

"That's not really an answer to my question …," Jack said.

Olivia exhaled and gazed at him. "I'm still not normal, Jack," she said. "I think … all of us know that. I just … I've really worked at adjusting to and coping with my new reality. Some days it's harder than others."

"But you still figured out how to have a relationship."

"Yes," she allowed. "And that goes back to … Brian being someone who's been in my life a long time. Who's been there for me. And for all the faults he has and for all the ways we aren't a like or don't seem to work – he has brought me, and my life and this family, a lot of stability. So … that makes me love him. It makes me … us … keep working at making it work."

Jack scuffed his feet and stared at them. Olivia stared at him.

"That wasn't what you were asking," she stated flatly.

He just shrugged. "We've been together a while," he said. "I know we aren't in friend territory. But we aren't having sex. We're hardly fooling around …"

Olivia clocked that. "Sweetheart … it sounds like you're seeing a lot of red flags about this relationship – or potential relationship."

And he shrugged again and stared at his feet. "I don't know. Maybe. Maybe it's like you've said – I don't know much about relationships."

Olivia rubbed at her eyebrow. "Is the delay in relationship taking its next step coming from you or her?" she asked carefully.

She got another little shrug. And she nodded.

"OK … Can I ask if you're the one who's wanting to take it slow – is that coming out of your relationship with Christina? Or is it coming out of something that happened between you and your uncle?"

Jack made a quiet noise and still didn't look at her. "You know … I felt a lot of pressure with Christina. I don't even know how to explain it. But … it was like … she was way more experienced than me and wanted to move faster than me. But I also was OK with that because I was trying to prove something to myself. But … I don't know. There was a lot going on there. I don't really want to revisit it. And what's going on now it feels … it's different. But I still don't know how to operate in it."

Olivia exhaled a bit and stared at her feet briefly as they walked. "I really don't know how much – or what – I can say that would be helpful there, Jack. It would likely be something better for you to maybe deconstruct and talk through a bit with your therapist. Or maybe another man? You know … Brian is there for you."

"I don't want to talk to Brian about it," he said and gave her a glance. "Mom, I told you. I can read. And hear. I might be reading between the lines and listening to whispered hearsay but … I've got some ideas about what might be going on …"

She just kept his eyes. "Then you should have some idea that he might have … advice or thoughts that's more relatable to you than me."

"I don't know," he muttered. "It's more complicated than saying it's just my fucked up relationship with Christina or an asshole creepy uncle."

"Relationships – especially when they reach the point that sex and all the emotions and baggage and physicality there are involved – tend to get complicated," she provided.

"Then how do you do it?" he asked. "How … long was it … after it happened that you …?"

Olivia rubbed her eyebrow. "I don't know I'm comfortable talking about this with you, Jack."

"OK …," he allowed mutely.

And she slowly exhaled. "I will say that Brian and I … a lot of mutual respect, patience, love and open communication about boundaries has helped a lot. But it's still something we have to deal with … a lot, Jack. All the time. Almost every time – in some way. And sometimes it doesn't work. Still."

"But you're still together," Jack said.

She nodded and allowed a little smile. "He's the love of my life, Jack. He is my best friend. I can't imagine … working through … what we've worked through … with someone who I didn't see and trust and respect as my best friend. And, I'll also say that it's not fair that … you're so young and you're having to learn how to navigate all that while you're also learning how to navigate relationships. But … I do hope that it means … eventually … you're going to find someone who has all that respect and love and care for you and your boundaries too. They really will be your best friend for that to work the way it's supposed to – or needs to."

AUTHOR NOTE:

Next chapter will either be Liv and the family or Jack and the girlfriend reveal.

After those I've got two more chapters planned in this timeframe and then that's it.