So I use two songs in this chapter which is a lot (I know) BUT I felt as though both were important. The first Haunted is from Taylor Swift's new album Speak Now and is focused around Blair (it will become more clear later but all I'll say now is that while Jack is a factor in this song there's something else too). The second song is Little Lion Man by Mumford and Sons and it's all Chuck. If Chuck had an inner monologue with himself, that's what it would be.
A word of warning to all readers – no matter if you want her with Jack or Chuck it's going to be a bumpy ride from here to the finish. I hate to say that no ones going to be happy but that's kind of the case. You've been warned.
To my reviewers: rolling0916, QueenBee10, mrschuckbass94, wrighthangal, BedwardEndGam8D, LisaLevine, Alisha Winchester, CarolinaGirl21, SouthernBelle88, LovelyLydia, GGfanficfan09, LitPrincess2787, Sw33tHeart21, finnlover, awakeningezgi, ggff-fan, and Noirreigne. You guys are so awesome, thanks for reviewing.
Disclaimer: I own nothing.
Rated: M for the language in one of the songs I use.
Thanks as always to my beta Ingrid (ggff-fan) you are awesome girl!
"She's asking to see you." The doctor spoke, looking directly at Jack. Jack closed his eyes for a moment, inhaling deeply. He was glad she was alright; he didn't want to live in a world where Blair Waldorf didn't exist and though his heart soared that she was asking for him, it didn't change the fact that it was his fault - it couldn't erase what he had done. Yet finally he nodded. "Okay."
Chuck watched Jack carefully. That the other man didn't immediately smirk at him or throw it in his face said volumes about how far the three of them had journeyed in such a short time. He hadn't expected Blair to ask for him; even if she knew he was here she wouldn't want to see him. That would be especially true once she learned that this was all his fault.
The doctor however had more to say. "There were however, complications." He spoke cautiously.
Both sets of eyes immediately snapped to the doctor's as the men interrupted each other trying to speak. Each rising slightly from their seat.
"Is she okay?" Jack questioned just as Chuck spoke. "Is there going to be permanent damage?"
The doctor raised a hand to still them. "Ms. Waldorf will be fine given some rest and time for recuperation. Her injuries were mostly surface, no internal bleeding was sustained. She's quite lucky she'll be walking away with no more than a few minor scars and a few broken ribs." Both men relaxed slightly before they remembered that it was the doctor who'd mentioned complications. After a moment of peace, the older man continued.
"However, while in surgery we tracked some minor swelling in the brain and had to do an emergency craniotomy." The Bass men's eyes widened.
Jack swallowed. "You drilled holes in her skull.
The doctor nodded. "Once it was safe and the swelling was down we filled the burr holes with the bone we'd extracted so there won't be more than an unnoticeable indention left behind. But before we drilled the holes her body went under stress, oxygen wasn't getting to her brain and it wasn't sending the right signals. . ."
Jack shut his eyes tightly. "Oh God no." He spoke knowing what came next. "Don't say it."
Chuck looked between the doctor and Jack, watching as signals passed between the two; knowing that there was something he didn't know, something important. The doctor had said Blair was fine, that she wouldn't have permanent damage; yet Jack looked like the doctor had just told him that Blair was brain dead.
The doctor looked forward solemnly. "I'm sorry Mr. Bass, we did everything we could."
Chuck continued to look back and forth, eyes growing wider. They said Blair was okay, what was the doctor apologizing for. "Apparently I'm slow today, call it sleep deprivation because I have no idea what you're saying." He said his voice low.
Looking at the dark haired man the doctor exhaled slowly, this was always difficult. "We couldn't save the baby. If we'd known going in about her condition we would have been monitoring more closely but we didn't realize until it was too late."
"Damn it." Jack cursed under his breath. His stupidity hadn't killed Blair, but it had killed her baby, their baby. God what had he done.
Chuck heard nothing past the word baby. "Blair was pregnant?" He asked eyes wide, jaw slightly askew.
Jack didn't even register Chuck's comment, zeroing in on the doctor. "Does she know?" He asked, his voice low.
"No." The doctor spoke shaking his head. "We thought you might want to. It usually comes best from the father."
Jack nodded solemnly, not correcting him that they didn't know he was the father; there was no point anymore and either way she'd want to hear it from him. "I'll tell her." He spoke, barely managing to get the words out. Something inside of him had clicked off; something was gone.
Chuck's jaw was set. Neither Jack nor the doctor had answered his question and he felt as though he'd lost something that he didn't even know existed. And now Jack was following the doctor back. He faced Jack, speaking through his teeth. "She was pregnant and no one saw fit to tell me."
Jack shot a quick glare, not too harsh because Chuck was having to absorb this all at once, but direct just the same because right now Chuck was focusing on what this meant for him rather than what this meant for Blair. "Now's not the time." Jack spoke giving Chuck the most caring gaze he could because honestly right now, he did feel for Chuck; he was after all just a kid.
The doctor nodded at Jack, agreeing without having to say more, and walked down the hall with Jack following behind. Approaching the room, the doctor opened the door and gestured Jack inside with a solemn smile.
Jack inhaled deeply, getting his bearings for what was to come. He had to be stronger now than he'd ever been; he had to do this, he owed it to Blair. Walking into the room, he took in her appearance. She had a small bandage on her head and a few minor scratches but otherwise she appeared to be okay. Weak, but okay.
You and I walk a fragile line
I have known it all this time
But I never thought
I'd live to see it break
Blair spotted him and immediately brightened, a small smile appearing on her features. "Hey."
"Hey pretty girl." He spoke quietly, walking closer.
Sitting up she winced slightly and Jack immediately moved to her side, helping her. "Did you hear they drilled holes into my skull?" Blair asked trying to keep the mood light. "The doctor assured me that you wouldn't even be able to tell."
Jack did his best to smirk at her teasing attitude but found it wasn't anything near his natural smirk. "I heard." He spoke softly.
Looking up at him with wondrous eyes she smiled. Not that she wished a car accident on anyone, but this one might have been the very thing to set her life back on track. "They tell me you pulled me out of the car."
It's getting dark and it's all too quiet
And I can't trust anything now
And it's coming over you
Like it's all a big mistake
Jack nodded, trying to return her smile and failing.
Tilting her head Blair took his hand in hers. "You were coming back for me weren't you?" She spoke with another knowing smile, as she traced the fingers of his un-bandaged hand.
Pursing his lips, Jack looked at her with pain in his eyes. He couldn't put this off, sparing her the pain right now wouldn't help her later. "Blair-"
Blair lifted her chin, suspicion flooding her. She knew that look, she knew when Jack had something to say that she wasn't going to like. But it was strange, emotionally it didn't feel as though he was moving away from her; it actually appeared as though he was opening himself up and that scared her more than anything. Holding his hand tightly she spoke. "What's wrong?"
Woah-oh, holding my breath
Won't lose you again
Something's made your eyes go cold
Jack inhaled deeply, holding her own hand tightly in return. He has to do this, he was the only one who could.
When Jack didn't answer Blair narrowed her eyes and pushed herself into an upright sitting position. "Is it the baby?" She asked eyes wide. "Because if I need to go on bed rest for a while I can, so long as our baby's okay." She spoke quickly, her eyes never leaving his.
Jack inhaled again, knowing he can't delay the inevitable collapse that is about to occur. Besides after everything he owes her this at least. "Blair, the baby didn't make it."
Grasping tightly at Jack's hand, Blair shook her head, unable to accept what he was saying. "What? No, you're lying." When Jack didn't say anything she held on more tightly. "Tell me you're lying Jack." She insisted, unable to believe that what he said was the truth.
Come on, come on
Don't leave me like this
I thought I had you figured out
Something's gone terribly wrong
You're all I wanted
Jack looks at her with heartbroken eyes; eyes that said everything while his mouth made no sound.
Leaning her head backwards, Blair couldn't stop the tears that were coming. She pressed her lips together and clinched her eyes doing everything she could to hold herself together but there was only so much she could do. Within moments, she found the sobs coursing through her body, causing her to gasp as she began to cry aloud.
Jack allowed her to pull him closer and he stood there, holding her to him, allowing her to bury her head in his stomach as she cried. He let one tear of his own fall before forcing himself to stop. He couldn't let himself fall apart. As the sobs eased from Blair's body she looked up at him eyes pleading as she leaned back. She needed him, she needed him so much.
Swallowing tightly, Jack knew that he couldn't be there for her right now. He couldn't let her get attached again, not right now when she was at her most vulnerable. "Is there anything I can get you before I go?" He asked softly, in complete control.
Come on, come on
Don't leave me like this
I thought I had you figured out
Can't breathe whenever you're gone
Can't turn back now
I'm haunted
"Where are you going?" She asked curiously, as her tears abated.
Sighing deeply, Jack's gaze changed to one that was almost pitying. "Blair . . ."
The sadness in Blair's gaze immediately changed to anger, as rage mixed with disbelief filled her small form. "You can't be serious?" Blair spoke, her jaw locking. "You're not still planning on leaving me are you?"
Jack's silence said everything and she felt his hand begin to loosen on her own. Grasping tightly to him, she refused to let go so quickly. "You can't still think that I'm better off without you?"
Stood there
Watched you walk away
From everything we had
But I still mean every word I said to you
"Now more than ever." Jack spoke as he nodded almost imperceptibly and moved to end the conversation. "Chuck's outside, he needs to tell you something."
Blair just shook her head. "I don't care." She gripped his hand even more tightly as she fixed her fierce gaze directly on his. "You can't leave me again."
"Nothing's changed Blair." Jack spoke, still firmly in control, though he felt himself opening up to her, opening in a way that would only serve to further hurt them both. He'd allowed himself to be emotionally vulnerable as he conveyed the news about the baby because that's what she deserved but now it was time to draw everything back in before he let himself fall apart.
Eyes wide Blair felt a wide range of emotions flowing through her, too many to identify or deal with. "Everything's changed Jack! I lost our baby, I'm in the hospital. I could have died."
He will try to take away my pain
And he just might make me smile
But the whole time
I'm wishing it was you instead
"Because of me." Jack spoke bitterly as the guilt he was feeling crashed in upon him. "You're right, things have changed. Now I'm more certain than ever that I have to stay away from you."
Blair refused to waste anymore time on being angry at Jack for trying to be noble, she just had to convince him that she couldn't survive him leaving. "Jack no. You saved me." She responded, her eyes desperately searching his.
Carefully, Jack brushed the hair from her face. "I won't endanger you anymore. I'm done ruining your life. You deserve happiness, you deserve someone that can give that to you and that someone can't be me."
Oh-woah, holding my breath
Won't see you again
Something keeps me holding on to nothing
Feeling her breath coming in quick gasps she leaned into his hands. Tears that she thought had run dry seemed to find their way back to her eyes. "I can't do this without you Jack. I've lost everything, I can't lose you too."
Pressing his lips together Jack sighed. What had been so hard at the cabin was now so easy because before he'd thought it was the right thing, now he knew it through his entire being. She needed to be free of him. "Losing me will be the best thing that has ever happened to you."
"Jack you're the only one who understands what I've lost. Without you I'll fall apart." Blair spoke baring everything.
Jack shook his head. "Maybe it's better this way. If the baby was mine it would have tied you to me for the rest of your life. No one deserves that."
Come on, come on
Don't leave me like this
I thought I had you figured out
Something's gone terribly wrong
You're all I wanted
Blair froze, she heard a skip of the beat on the heart monitor as her heart seemed to literally stop for a second. "I can't believe you said that."
Jack was even shocked at himself. He was about to take it back, to say something before he realized that this was the way out and not only that but there was truth in it on his side. She shouldn't have to have something that forever reminded her of the hell he'd once put her through.
On top of that, this was the way that Blair would never forgive him. Settling on a decision he didn't entirely like, he continued, knowing that in the end it would cause her less pain than the alternative of her staying attached to him. "Why not? It's true. Now we're free of each other."
Blair just sat there gaping, her pulse racing, heart pounding. "Stop it Jack, you don't mean it."
Come on, come on
Don't leave me like this
I thought I had you figured out
Can't breathe whenever you're gone
Can't turn back now
I'm haunted
"Of course I do Blair. Didn't you hear me at the cabin. I don't want to be with you and seriously a baby? What could have possibly possessed us to think that the two of us could rear a child?" Jack spoke, letting the words flow from his mouth. He knew that the words he was saying now weren't how he really felt but he was riding a wave. It was all for her.
Blair shook her head a smile rising to her face unexpectedly. She knew now that he was just spilling bullshit because Jack wanted this baby before she did. He was meant to be a father. "You did. You were the one who talked me into keeping the baby, you're the one who convinced me I could be a mom. You tricked me out of having an abortion Jack. You can't lie to me about this, I know how you really feel."
I know, I know
I just know
You're not gone
You can't be gone, no
Jack just laughed darkly, falling into a character façade that he had held up for so long. It felt strange slipping back into it but shutting off his heart, separating it from his head was the only way he'd make it out of this room. "Blair you forget who you're dealing with. You're so easy to fool, so easy to manipulate. Even I was surprised at how hard you fell. I knew I'd break you eventually, I just didn't know it would take so much effort quite honestly. I didn't want you to end up in the hospital or anything after all you're a pretty good lay."
"Is this what this was all about? Bedding me?" Blair snapped before she could stop herself because she knew it wasn't true but her natural instinct was to react viciously.
Come on, come on
Don't leave me like this
I thought I had you figured out
Something's gone terribly wrong
Won't finish what you started
Jack shrugged, letting the darkness consume him as the guilt swallowed him whole. "I mean, it was definitely the icing on the cake, having you willingly underneath me but no Blair this was about destroying my little nephew of course, you were collateral damage as well as the spoils of war."
Blair shook her head, refusing to listen. "You're lying. You love me, and you loved that baby."
"What don't you understand Blair? It was all a game to me, seeing just how far I could get you to go, just how much I could use you to destroy Chuck and now it's over; mission accomplished." Jack paused preparing to deliver the final blow that would cause her to wish she'd never met Jack Bass. "At least now that all the loose ends are tied up." He spoke gesturing towards her stomach.
Come on, come on
Don't leave me like this
I thought I had you figured out
Can't breathe whenever you're gone
Can't go back
I'm haunted
Blair jerked as a shock ran through her. Her heart screamed that everything up on the mountain had been true and that what Jack was saying now was the lie; but her heart was alone in this assessment as her mind concluded that the mountain had been a lie and this right now was reality. "Get out." She spat, releasing his hand, her voice low, a growl.
Jack lifted an eyebrow. "Why Blair? I thought we were just starting to have fun. I mean honestly there are so many more illusions I could destroy for you. . ."
"Get out, get out, GET OUT!" Blair shouted, her voice rising with each rapid shout.
Jack shot her one last smirk, as his insides crumbled and disintegrated. And with that he walked out of the room and out of Blair's life.
You and I walk a fragile line
I have known it all this time
Never ever thought I'd see it break
Never thought I'd see it
As soon as Jack walked from the room, Blair slammed her head back, paying no heed to the pain it caused her. That hadn't happened, it hadn't. Though really she knew it did and knowing that something in her snapped in two.
Jack didn't turn back, he couldn't he just kept walking until he reached the waiting room. Spying Chuck sitting exactly where he'd left him, he approached his nephew. "She needs you right now." Looking away briefly before looking back he spoke, his voice raw. "And you better have learned how to be there for her."
Chuck snapped to attention, locking eyes with his uncle; his own confused ones meeting Jack's completely unreadable ones. He knew now that Jack was completely in love with Blair, why would he ever want Chuck around her again. If he were Jack he would have strangled him with his bare hands by now. "Blair doesn't want me around, she made that clear."
Jack shook his head a grimace appearing briefly on his face. "She still loves you. She told me so herself before. . ."
Chuck felt his heart pounding in his chest as he met Jack's gaze with alert eyes. He found he couldn't find the words to speak.
Jack stayed focus, ignoring the confusion on Chuck's face. "I broke her, now put her back together." He paused ready to leave before thinking of something else Chuck should know. "And don't worry about any more interference from me. Blair's world is better without me in it and this time I'm going to make sure I stay out of it." With that, Jack turned and walked towards the doors of the hospital, not stopping until he was completely out of sight.
Chuck stared after him for a moment, he felt strange. There was a numbness that had filled him, it seemed to replace the guilt that had been crashing down around him all day. He had a strong sense of unworthiness and it was causing his stomach to churn. He was still staring where Jack had been when the doctor approached him from behind.
"Mr. Bass, you can go in now if you'd like."
Chuck closed his eyes and inhaled, he loved her, at very least he had to be honest with her about what had happened. As he walked a certain sense of hope managed to creep into his subconscious; Jack was gone, it was all he had wanted the past few months. Jack was gone and Blair was going to need him. Whether she wanted to let him or not he was going to be there for her, he was going to make up for what he'd done to her and they would be stronger than ever. He was going to earn back her trust and because as long as she still loved him he knew it was possible. With a renewed sense of purpose, Chuck walked quietly into Blair's room.
weep for yourself, my man,
you'll never be what is in your heart
weep little lion man,
you're not as brave as you were at the start
Blair was looking out the window, she had the vague sense that someone was in the room; knowing immediately that it was Chuck without looking - after all she'd always been able to feel his presence. She'd been expecting him for a while now, though she wasn't sure why he was here - unless Jack had called him. She didn't say anything as he approached, she didn't flinch as he took her hand, she didn't turn her head as he started talking. Nothing he said was going to change anything - he couldn't bring her baby back.
"I'm glad you're okay." Chuck spoke softly as his thumb traced circles on her hand. "I'm sorry about the baby - I didn't know."
Blair clenched her jaw tightly at the word baby and turned her head to face forward, not looking at him, but no longer exactly looking away. "You didn't know because I didn't tell you."
Chuck pursed his lips, he had never been good at comforting anyone but this was Blair and she mattered more than anyone else. "I didn't give you reason to trust me with that kind of information."
Finally looking at him, Blair knew that her eyes must have been cold, dead. "No, you didn't."
Chuck held her gaze, not saying more because there wasn't anything he could say.
"It figures that when I decided to keep the baby, something would happen to take it away from me." Blair spoke her voice soft and raw.
rate yourself and rake yourself,
take all the courage you have left
waste it on fixing all the problems that you made in your own head
Closing his eyes tightly Chuck held onto her hand, feeling her squeeze it back.
"Jack said you had something to tell me." Blair spoke again, still staring at her ex-if he was still her ex. She didn't know where they stood right now. There was an emptiness she couldn't explain, an emptiness she needed to fill.
Nodding, Chuck swallowed. "Blair, I'm so sorry. I am so so sorry. I didn't see . . ." He said trailing off, his voice choking in his throat.
Blair's eyebrows furrowed. "Why are you banged up?" She asked her own voice carrying hints of skepticism.
"I was driving the car that hit yours." Chuck spoke looking directly into her expectant face.
Blair's eyes slammed closed in anticipation of the expected twisting of her gut. The news should have shaken her already unstable grip on reality but the twisting of her gut, the shattering of her only remaining support, never came.
but it was not your fault, but mine
and it was your heart on the line
i really fucked it up this time
didn't I, my dear?
didn't I, my dear?
Chuck watched her reaction and immediately began babbling as he tried to explain himself. "I thought that Jack had kidnapped you and I was coming to rescue you. Or maybe I just convinced myself that Jack had taken you against your will so that I could be your hero. I don't even know what's true anymore." Chuck said running a hand over his head, causing him to wince in pain as he'd once more forgotten about his own injuries. "I was driving too fast, I didn't want to waste any time getting to you. I slammed on the breaks but there wasn't enough time . . ."
"I forgive you." Blair spoke opening her eyes as she looked at Chuck, she was surprised to see that he looked completely devastated. It brought something out in her that she hadn't realized was still there - she had an undeniable need to protect Chuck, to be there for him. It was backwards and strange but it wasn't something she could fight. She'd known that she loved him, but she hadn't realized just how much.
"I was the one who swerved into the other lane, it wasn't your fault." She spoke as her hand tightened over his. Her heart was swelling, she could feel it telling her that this was why she hadn't felt the dropping in her stomach, he hadn't done anything wrong, not now at least.
Chuck reached forward and traced her jaw. "I just wanted to protect you."
Blair shrugged slightly. "Maybe it's better this way."
tremble for yourself, my man,
you know that you have seen this all before
tremble little lion man,
you'll never settle any of your scores
Chuck's eyes searched hers discerningly. It was like trying to sift through white noise, she was a blank wall to his eyes. He couldn't read her, no matter how hard he tried and it was a strange experience for him. He'd always known her better than he'd known himself. A sharp pain inside of him drew his attention to the fact that they might never get that back but he was willing to do whatever it took to try. "I love you." He spoke solidly.
Tilting her head into his hand Blair did her best to smile. "I love you too. I never stopped." Something in her felt uncomfortable, it wasn't that she didn't love him, she knew that was true, what was uncomfortable was that they currently had to speak, had to use words. Always before when they were in situations such as this words were something they used to emphasize not to communicate. There was something different about it, something new that she didn't like.
"Can we try this again?" Chuck asked, searchingly. He didn't want to push her, didn't want to rush it; but he didn't want to lose her again, he couldn't.
Blair pursed her lips for a moment before she answered. "How about we see where things go?" Furrowing her brow only slightly Blair realized that they weren't the same people they once were and now both of them were going to have to relearn each other.
Chuck nodded, his heart speeding as he traced her fingers with his own. "All I'm asking is for the opportunity to be there for you. I don't need to know what happened with you and Jack."
your grace is wasted in your face,
your boldness stands alone among the wreck
learn from your mother or else spend your days biting your own neck
Holding onto Chuck's hand Blair returned his nod with one of her own. The hope in his eyes gave her the sense that maybe this was possible maybe one day things would be okay again. Even if right now it still felt like there was nothing, like she was empty, there would never really be nothing because with Chuck there would always be something. "I have to tell you something first." She spoke wincing as she pushed herself to sit up.
Chuck moved to help her, bracing himself for what he was about to hear; he knew it was going to be about Jack and if she felt she had to tell him then it wasn't something he was going to like. "Whatever it is you can tell me, always."
Blair looked at him, knowing as she did that she wasn't the same person she was only a few months ago. Something had happened to her, she'd changed in ways she'd never understand and anything from here was going to be an uphill battle. If Chuck was going to be there for her, if he was going to be a part of her future there were things he had to know. To get back the complete understanding of the other that they'd once shared they had to open up about everything that had happened to tear them apart. "I chose Jack, he just didn't choose me." Blair spoke, her voice cracking at the end.
Chuck pulled back. Of all the scenarios he'd played in his head, that wasn't one of them.
"We slept together, then he ended things, told me to leave - that's why I was driving so quickly." Blair spoke her eyes not quite meeting Chuck's.
well it was not your fault but mine
and it was your heart on the line
i really fucked it up this time
didn't I, my dear?
Sighing Chuck absorbed everything, his mind quickly going to work. The pieces began to fall into place as he realized what Jack had done. Jack had chosen to take the high road. He had done what he'd thought would make Blair the happiest - which was to get out of her life. That was the only explanation for Blair's story and Jack's behavior earlier because there was no way Jack didn't care about her with the way he'd been acting. "Jack's an idiot."
He spoke his voice low because truly he was. If Jack didn't understand that Blair was too precious to ever let go than he was the stupidest man Chuck had ever known; at the same Chuck knew that Jack's decision was one of a strength that he had never begun to possess. As he felt admiration for his uncle seep into his conscious, Chuck brought his eyes to Blair's who was still staring at him. "I miss us." Chuck spoke quietly.
"I had to be honest with you if we were ever going to get back to the way things were because no matter what's happened Chuck, I'm always going to miss us." Blair said with a slight frown. "I mean we're still Chuck and Blair, Blair and Chuck right?" She didn't even realize that she was seeking his reassurance until he smiled.
Pressing his lips tightly together Chuck smirked. "Always. We will always be Chuck and Blair, Blair and Chuck. As for going back, I don't think that's possible. I think we have to go forward." He said his voice almost trembling.
well it was not your fault but mine
and it was your heart on the line
i really fucked it up this time
didn't I, my dear?
Reaching forward slowly, Blair traced the line of his face.
"What are you thinking?" Chuck asked his voice low, almost ashamed.
For the first time a real smile escaped her façade at Chuck's acknowledgement of her precise feelings; maybe they weren't so far away from those people who knew each other as they thought. "I was thinking that you're right. There's no back, there's only forward."
Leaning forward, Chuck rested his forehead lightly against hers. "I don't want to ever have to ask that again." He said, his voice still low, still shaking slightly.
Inhaling until it hurt, Blair placed the gentlest of kisses on his lips. "I know." She whispered, her lips moving against his, trusting that he could understand her. "I know."
didn't I, my dear?
Okay there it is. So I hope you enjoyed it one way or another and I hope I executed everything well. Thanks for reading and I'd love it if you'd review and let me know that you're still interested in this fanfic
Xoxo
Kate