Torn

Three days and eleven hours. That was how long it took him to decide. Two hours and fifteen minutes. That was how long it took him to get there. Surprisingly, he also took another one hour from the entrance to get to his floor ten years ago.

Ritsu had badly wanted to not go. But the restlessness in him had become so much to bear that even in his sleep the only things he could see were blasted empty libraries and slightly left ajar doors.

He tugged at his scarf. To an outsider, his pale pallor and the pinched expression on his face would have looked like he was choking himself. Fair enough. He was choking from the inside anyway.

Ritsu took another step. And the door to his literal past seemed to grow larger. Bigger. More intimidating. He closed his eyes briefly, feeling the keys inside his coat. He had the original key. He also had Takano's duplicate. Two keys. So now he didn't have to worry seeing Takano again sprawled sadly on his couch. But it did nothing. He was still scared to go in there. Why? Ritsu wished someone would tell him.

It was then when a middle-aged lady emerged from one of the doors and gave Ritsu a raised suspicious brow. Huh. That would happen when you lurk outside someone's doors for no reason.

Ritsu cleared his throat and walked past the woman, jamming the key to the old teal door with new found courage just to avoid that lingering woman's gaze.

Uncomfortable, Ritsu dropped the keys to a fishbowl on a cabinet by the genkan. He removed his shoes and took hesitant steps inside. The room felt stuffy and cold. He flicked on the lights, stared at the small living room and felt... empty. So much for all his fears.

He pushed back curtains, flicked on lights in all the rooms. Once done, Ritsu stood in the middle. The quiet. The prickling nostalgic feeling on his skin. The faint scent of old books. They were all making him tired.

"What am I doing here?" Ritsu groaned as he fell back on the couch. Resting his nape against the head rest, he glared at the yellowish tinged ceiling. Somewhere, a car honked. A dog barked. And he saw someone pass by him. A teenage boy in a gakuran, hurriedly taking root in front of the window, crouching, hiding behind the curtains he just pushed back a while ago.

"What the..."

The young man was oblivious to Ritsu. The young man was oblivious to everything. All that kid did was to sigh, hiding like the stalker he was as he stared out from the window.

Ritsu stood from where he was and gingerly stood beside the him ten years ago.

The boy was content. He was freaking content just looking. Ritsu couldn't take that adoration on his own face. He wanted to be sick. But the him ten years younger only smiled wistfully on his spot. Blushing on his own as a darkhaired tall young man smoked by his own window a few blocks away.

"You were really a freaking stalker..." Ritsu whispered. Not much of a surprise but just a fact that was so obvious, denying it would be pointless.

The boy darted to his telescope, scoping glances here and there that as much as disgusted Ritsu, tugged at him like no other. He used to be this zealous? He used to be this open, uncaring about what might others think and just liking who he wanted to like?

Ritsu pursed his lips. The realisation was like a sour taste in his mouth. When he was younger he was so much... braver.

A faint beeping filled in the room. Ritsu almost fumbled with his phone but the sound of this one was like the older phones. The kid close to him hurriedly took out a phone, hiding behind the wall, blushing too much.

The stupid young him had pressed the speakers button.

"You hungry?"

"E-eh?"

"Let's meet up."

Stammering, the young brunette drew his brows together. "Se-senpai... I've used up my allowance this week so I can't-"

"My treat this time. Hurry up at the station I'm starving."

Oda stupid Ritsu brightened like the morning summer, cheeks reddening, eyes widening. But his voice was soft. "You don't have to senpai. T-there's trouble at your home now right-?"

The one on the other line went silent. Both him and the faint reflection of his young self checked if the line had already died. But then a low, happy chuckle came out, spilling into the dreary room, clenching at their chests.

"I'm alright. Talking to you did me a world of good. Thanks. Uh- really appreciate it."

"Eh?"

"Anyway, hurry up. But don't be a ditz, running and falling."

Out of breath, Ritsu watched his stupid in love young self run around the room and pass right through the door. The ghost of his past, his memory had made a vivid, painful appearance.

It was never going to be easy so it seemed. Takano Masamune gave it a shot. He went to the bar. Met new people. Met new guys, men. And he even so much as went as far as getting to know one of those obviously interested guys.

His name was Riku. Takano hid the grimace that was making a crack at his face. The one man that took his attention had to have his name start with 'R' as well? It would be fine if all ended in that. But as the night wore on, the lights dimming and brightening, hurting his eyes, it dawned on him why this Riku even got his attention. Same height. Same brown hair. Same freaking green eyes. All similar. But this Riku and his Ritsu were a world a far. No. He was seeking Ritsu in Riku and what the hell difference would that make?

In the end, Takano had declined when things were already going southward. He'd got a raging hard on that was not something he would deny. But so what after the release? It was always like this. There was never going to be the satisfaction but only a shit-ton of regret later on.

So now, a day after that night, here he was, solo once more in a book expo he'd been looking forward to for a long while now. Only to pass by piles and piles of books and not get any idea what he was looking for. This huge center was like a maze with no getting out.

He frowned at the stack of old paperbacks. Was his life going to be like this for the rest of eternity? So much for being the 'controlled' man everyone had labelled him to be.

If only he hadn't done it. If only he stopped testing. If only he just accepted it right away that ten years ago was his future, maybe things wouldn't have resulted in this mayhem of confusion and pain.

His future was in the arms of someone else now. What else was left to do then?

Takano stopped in front of a quiet stall. The owner was nowhere and left for everyone to see and test were a bunch of worn books. Scratched hardbound covers. Pages bitten off by rats and termites. And yet, that earthly smell was calling him. So much like and as strong as the sea-salt breeze that wouldn't go away at the back of his nose.

He flipped one book open. The page was blank. So his brain supplied what to see.

The sun was too bright. The sea so blue. In contrast with all those things were the green that was so misplaced in the vastness of the waters. Lately, those eyes were too green. Too penetrating. Too pretty for him. He had to look away sometimes or he would be swept away.

Oda Ritsu was flailing in the waters,wearing the ridiculous red life-saver he provided him so he wouldn't drown. How could a teenager like Ritsu not even know how to swim? But watching Ritsu kick and reach out to him made him feel a sense of pride too. Because this kid obviously only had eyes for him.

"Senpai, you're swimming too fast!"

Saga Masamune smirked, splashing the young brunette with salty water at the face. Ritsu gasped and laughed, splashing back at him.

He swam a little bit away, eyes trained at that pale face. Ritsu was thin, willowy. But undeniable was the grace in him too. Maybe because of that rich-kid upbringing. There was an 'air' of grace to him, although right now, with him swimming like a baby duckling, that grace was nowhere to be found.

Saga closed his eyes briefly. And he could still see Oda Ritsu in his mind. Eyes open. Eyes closed. That kid was owning even the depths of his head. He shook his head, fought the urge to smile. He'd never even given the idea of going out with a guy. But this particular one was paving and barelling to his high walls with no second thoughts. And surprisingly, he was liking it too. Actually, he was already craving it.

But how was he so sure this wasn't just because Oda Ritsu was the ears when he was venting? How was he so sure this wasn't just attachment because no matter how cruel he was, the kid always forgave him? How was he so sure this wasn't a simple 'friendship'?

Did he just really turn gay? He looked around him. His friends were all creating havoc, swimming and racing into the cold waters. They all looked... perhaps attractive in some way. He'd never given it a thought. Hell he could be looking at potatoes for all he cared. But darting to Ritsu his chest would tighten. It would grow nervous. And he had to draw deep breaths when this kid throw him real, trusting smiles.

He shook his head, ran both his wet hands to his face and looked over his shoulder. On the beach was that girl again. White one piece, her breasts too large for a high-schooler. Her hips to much inviting for all the coy smiles she'd been sending off since their group have arrived there to play.

"One more time. Let's make sure..."

Saga kicked his feet backwards.

Surprised and confused, Ritsu tried to follow him but was too slow. "Senpai! Where are you going?"

"Bathroom!" he yelled before throwing one of his friends a shout to watch out for their kouhai.

The next minutes were a hot, promising encounter that turned cold faster than he could say 'one'. He had cornered the girl. And she willingly went with him. They'd done the nasty away from the people's eyes. And he wouldn't lie that his body had enjoyed it. He had enjoyed the feel of her softness against him. He had enjoyed her little moans. He had enjoyed the feel of her breasts in his hands. He had enjoyed being buried in her wet warmness.

And yet as he thrust into her like the both of them were animals in heat, realisation clung at the back of his head like a massive red flag. Her warmness didn't burn him. Her voice wasn't reeling him in. She wasn't making him black out like how his Ritsu could.

"That was... awesome," she whispered as she tucked her breasts back into her skimpy swimwear. "Maybe we could meet up next time? Get to know each other more?"

Takano cursed under his breath. It wasn't such a shock so much as he just couldn't believe it. He was into Ritsu now. It was obvious. His body and mind was searching for Ritsu already. The thought of doing this stupid 'test' was already about to make him grimace in anger at himself.

He looked over his shoulder and genuinely smiled an apologetic one. "I'm sorry. I don't think I'll ever do this again."

"Excuse me?"

"I'm really sorry. I... I'm..." he didn't want to talk. He didn't even want to stay. But he'd done this and that and the least he could do was to be honest. "I was just... if..."

The girl frowned at him. She twirled her slender fingers around her curly hair, waiting. Then she sighed. "You're testing something aren't you?" she said quietly. "You used me to confirm something you freaking jerk."

"I'm sorry."

"Fuck you." She glared. "Why do I never learn 'cool' looking guys are so messed up? Fuck it."

She marched away, cursing and hissing. So much for being the demure, soft-spoken girl a few minutes before.

Saga sighed and sat at a huge smooth boulder. It was high time he admit to himself he was already owned by someone.

Tonight. Tonight he'd tell Ritsu. Tonight he'd tell that this wasn't just one-sided anymore. Tonight he'd say it. Tonight he'd be gentle. He'd be more open. He'd be caring. He'd never look at someone else again. He'd tell that one weird guy named Ritsu that he was special.

But that 'tonight' never came.

"Are you going to buy it?"

The voice came from behind Takano he almost jumped. He put the book back at the top of the other worn books, smiled tightly and left.

And maybe the world hated him. It was a never ending punishment for all the things he'd done. Because at an intersection of books, he again found himself sucked by that vivid green. Onodera Ritsu was staring in shock back at him. And the 'brother' Haitani Shin behind Ritsu was standing a little too close.

Chapter end notes:

THANK YOU EVERYONE FOR YOUR PATIENCE AND CONTINUOUS SUPPORT!

So again, my time is really mainly focused on chasing my dreams but I won't drop fanfiction because this is where I started and this is me being 'free'. Hehe. I am so grateful to those of you who send pm and check up on me if I am still alive or something. I feel so loved. XD

I have planned the next chapter for this so expect it in the next couple of days!

Have a great day people. Please read my profile if you have time. XD

~~~shuusetsu