CHAPTER THIRTY-SEVEN
HINDSIGHT IS TWENTY-TWENTY

Life was so much easier when Bucky was still on ice.

It's a horrible thing to say, and Pearl feels awful for even thinking it. He's the father of her child and he should have all the information. He deserves the chance to know his child. But as long as he remained frozen, Pearl didn't even have to think about telling him about the baby and with the whole world besides her family believing the baby to be Tony's, nobody was asking questions about her baby daddy. The whole thing became a problem for the un-foreseeable future.

Bucky was barely a blip on her radar, excluding a few weird dreams. Though her doctor did say they were completely normal, dreaming about giving birth to a baby with a metal arm wasn't exactly pleasant experience. At least it was much nicer than the one where Bucky shot the baby in the head, completely convinced it was a HYDRA operative.

But as her heels touch the tarmac in Wakanda, the un-foreseeable future becomes the very real present.

She's got all the clichés down. He doesn't need to be involved, if he doesn't want to. She doesn't expect anything from him, but she's not about to shut him out. She's going to tell him all the nice, grown up sentiments that don't really solve any actual problems, like the fact that he's in Wakanda and she's not, usually. Or the fact that he's a wanted man who doesn't even remember her. Not to mention the fact that it's barely been thirty-six hours since she last rolled around naked with a man who is not the father of her baby. The kind of problems normal people don't face when having a baby. The kind of problems it's impossible to prepare answers for.

So, she'll start with the clichés and depending on what he says, she'll just wing the rest.

The flight attendant leads her to a car waiting right on the tarmac. As Pearl slides into the backseat as gracefully as she can with her extra weight, she's surprised to see a familiar face.

"Oh, my God," Pearl squeals, reaching over and grabbing Steve's shoulders before he can do anything but convey shock with his eyes. She wraps him in a warm hug, which he reciprocates. She lets go just as the car takes off and asks, "When did you grow a beard?"

Raising an eyebrow, Steve gestures towards her belly. "When did you grow that?"

"We may have some catching up to do."

They're driven to a small clearing among trees with a few huts and a lake. Small Wakandan children run around but stop as the car pulls up. Steve points out one of the huts, and Pearl gets out of the car, grabbing the attention of the children. They watch and laugh as her heels dig into the soil. After a few steps, she slips her feet out of them, leaving the shoes stuck to the ground.

Pearl pulls back the curtain leading to the hut. Bucky looks up from his book, immediately getting up. She steps inside and lets the curtain drop back. The shuffling of little feet and hushed voices from the outside carry through. Looking at the man standing just a few feet away, she can feel her breathing get heavier. He looks the same as before, still missing an arm and his hair still long.

His eyes seem fixated on her stomach, his expression unreadable.

"Hi."

No response.

"Steve says you're all good now. No more triggers."

Again, no response. Steve might have explained the state of Bucky's programming, but he conveniently left out all information about his mental state beyond that. His intense stare and lack of words remind Pearl of the first time they met.

Looking around, she understands why Bucky's been brought here. Nothing but the sounds of happy children, who seem to have stopped eavesdropping and returned to their football, and birds chirping can be heard around them. He has books and notepads lying around. It's simple. Peaceful.

"I'm happy for you," she says, finally eliciting a reaction as he looks up into her eyes. He almost looks sad, making her wonder, again, if he's been rebooted a little too much. She takes one last deep breath. "Anyway, I thought you might want to know you're going to be a father."

And then she waits.

She waits for the wide-eyed, shock-filled expression and the inevitable questions of how can she be sure, how did this happen and what does it mean. She waits for him to say he doesn't even know her. For him to faint or scream.

She waits for something, but it never comes. He simply stands there with the same, nondescript look. Almost sad, but not really. Then he finally speaks.

"I'm sterile," Bucky says.

For a moment, Pearl forgets to breathe. Her heart thumps loudly in her chest, as if to remind her that even though at this moment it feels like she's floated right out of her body and into a completely different universe, she's still a living organism. When she breathes again, a cold chill runs through her whole body. She looks up at him again, now absolutely convinced he looks sad.

"Are you sure?" she asks.

"Positive. The doctors here confirmed it as well. All that radiation… I should've told you earlier." He looks down. "I'm sorry. I wanted to, when we were on that plane to Ohio, talking about kids and you said you wanted them someday, but I just couldn't."

She sighs, not knowing what to say next. She was barely prepared to tell him he's the father and suddenly he's not. The possibility never even crossed her mind, and in hindsight it feels really stupid. Condoms break all the time.

A realization hits her suddenly. "Did you write that down?"

He shakes his head.

"Bucky?" she asks cautiously. "Do you remember?"

He nods.

"Everything?"

"Everything."

After a moment of stunned silence, Pearl bursts out laughing. She doesn't mean to, because it's not like it's funny, but the absurdity of the situation leaves her with little options. The universe definitely has a sense of humor.

"Right. Yeah. Sure. Of course you do," she says, trying to control the laughter after noticing the weird look on his face. "That's perfect."

"So, this is…"

"Tony Stark's," Pearl says, and it's like the information finally registers in her brain. Not the part where Bucky isn't the father, because that hit her like a wrecking ball, but the part where Tony is. She looks down, running a hand across her stomach, and sighs. This opens up a whole new set of problems.

"Well, that makes…" Bucky drifts off. "Actually, that doesn't make any sense."

Pearl looks up again. "What?"

"That would mean he's the man you were talking about last time."

"He is."

"And you just failed to mention you were sleeping with the guy who shot off my arm?"

"How was that any of your business?"

"It would've been nice to know before we jumped into bed together."

She stares at him for a moment to see if he's actually angry or just a little annoyed before deciding on the former. His brows have inched closer towards one another and his lips are pursed. And he's staring back, like he's waiting for something. Like he's waiting for an explanation.

"Okay, you are not allowed to be mad at me," she says firmly. "You were gone for a year. I got over you."

"And then you got under Stark," he says without missing a beat.

Taken aback, Pearl scoffs. "What are you, jealous?"

"Six days ago they pulled me out of the freezer, fixed me and put me in a coma to give my brain time to heal," he says, still staring into her eyes. "When I woke up, you were the first thing I asked about."

"Bucky…"

"Then I saw Steve with a beard and realized we weren't in Ohio anymore."

Pearl remains silent. She didn't even stop to think about how disorienting it must've been for him to wake up and suddenly be able to remember everything.

"The last year and a half came back to me eventually, but it still feels like yesterday that I told you I love you and then pretended to fall asleep, because I knew you weren't ready to hear it." He looks down, the angry look fading away. "And I know you're not there anymore, but I am."

Quietly, she says, "I guess you've got every right to be jealous."

"This just isn't the ending I imagined."

When Bucky looks up again, looking like he's just a careful nudge away from shattering into a million pieces, all Pearl wants to do is wrap her arms around him, squeeze him tight and tell him everything will be alright, but the possibility of that sending out the wrong message worries her — for about a nanosecond. He doesn't flinch away from her touch, instead returning the embrace the best that he can with just one arm. They stand there as he rests his head on top of hers, breathing heavily and stroking her hair.

Then the tears come, and she doesn't try to stop them. It would be pointless, as proven by an ad on the subway last week that advertised college courses for senior citizens. At first, Pearl thought about an old grandma knitting to pass the time in class as everyone around her was double tapping or swiping left and right, but it soon evolved into this image of the grandma going back to school because she's been laid off and can't find work without a degree and the bank wants the house she's lived in for forty years and her husband can't help, because he died last year. And then Pearl cried and, as people started looking at her funny, wondered whether or not she should really stop riding the subway.

Just like she's crying now, except this time it's not about some imaginary fantasy or the starving children around the world or the unwanted pets at the animal shelter. It's not about the hormones. It's Bucky and the universe and its horrible sense of humor.

He pulls away from her and lifts up her chin with his finger. "Why are you crying?"

"Because I know what it's like to wake up to a completely different world. A world without you," she says, trying to swallow the tears. "But I can't even imagine what this is like."

"It's better."

"What?"

"I love you. I don't know how to change that. You don't love me anymore. There's nothing I can do to change that." Bucky pauses. "But you're here. You're alive. I can at least take comfort in the fact that I didn't kill you."

A cold shiver runs down her spine and as she wraps her cardigan tighter around her waist, Bucky reaches over to stroke her arm. Pearl glances at it and he pulls away immediately, his face immediately more reserved.

"Sorry," he says.

"It's okay," she says with a faltering smile. "Do you want me to leave?"

"I should, right? That would be normal?"

Pearl shrugs. "I don't know. There's nothing normal about any of this."

"I don't want you to leave." He stops to let out a frustrated sigh. "I just don't know how to act right now or what to say. You're the person I talk to about my problems, but now…"

"I'm the problem," she says as he trails off, maybe trying to find a nicer way to put it. He nods, and it shouldn't hurt. It's not rational. She didn't come here to get him back or to start up a happy little family. She's not in love with him anymore.

But it hurts.

Because she loves him. As a friend and an important part of her life. As a human being deserving of love and compassion. And even if she'd never admit to it, all it would take is a few choice words, a touch here and there, and she'd fall for him again, just as fast as last time.

"Are you happy, now?" he asks and hesitates for a moment before continuing, "Does he make you happy?"

"You don't want to hear about this."

"No, but I need to."

"I think he could," Pearl says, giving him the most truthful and clear answer she possibly can right now.

"What does that mean?"

"It's complicated. I thought this was yours, so we're not like together or anything."

"But you love him?"

"I do." Saying it out loud feels weird, but it's true. Complicated, but true.

"Then he's the luckiest man on Earth," he says, and there's a little glimmer in his eyes, a hint of that old Bucky Barnes charm. He holds her gaze, and suddenly she remembers just how beautiful his eyes are. "Especially because I don't think he deserves you. I know I didn't."

Pearl smiles. "I'm far from perfect, Bucky."

A beeping noise erupts from her bag, startling her. She knows there's nothing wrong with staring into Bucky's eyes and she knows the noise most likely isn't caused by a text from Tony, because why would he contact her after she ditched him with that stupid letter, and most of all, she knows even if it was a text from Tony, it would not mean she was caught staring into Bucky's eyes. But, she's startled nonetheless.

He looks at her a little funny as she pulls the phone out. And it's nothing. Well, not nothing, since it's not literally a blank message, but in the grand scheme of things, a reminder text from her doctor's office isn't anything to be startled about.

"How do you fall out of love?"

She looks up from her phone again, unsure of how to answer as her own methods have always been just a little off. She shrugs. "It takes time. And distance, I think."

"Well, I have plenty of those."

"All I really know is to just let yourself feel it. If you're sad, be sad. If you're angry, I don't know, go chop some wood."

"What did you do?" he asks, moving over to sit on his bed.

"Oh, me? I fled the country, pretended to be fine and ended up crying on the bathroom floor while a Swedish guy undressed himself in my bed."

"That does sound like you."

He smiles. She smiles, too, and sits next to him. From the bed she can see through his little window. The children run around, laughing.

"Do you think there's one perfect person for everyone?" he asks.

"No."

"No?"

Pearl shakes her head for emphasis. "Of course not. That's the most depressing thing I've ever heard."

"I guess that means you still don't believe in fate?"

"I like to blame the universe for things that go wrong in my life, but I do realize a lot of my problems could've been avoided if I'd stopped to think for a second before… well, before making any decisions."

"Such as?"

She looks down. "Well, it wasn't exactly a good idea to have sex with you."

"Which time?" he asks, and she's about to answer immediately but looking up, she spots a grin developing on his mouth.

Playfully hitting him in the arm, she says, "Quite possibly all of them, but I'm talking about the last time. If I didn't have sex with you, I would've known instantly that this wasn't yours. And if I would've been really smart, I would've believed myself way back when I said us getting together is a bad idea, and not let you talk me into it."

He frowns. "Are you saying you regret it?"

"No, of course not. I would have regretted not taking that chance." Pearl sighs, running her fingers through her hair. "I don't know, Bucky. I think this baby is changing my whole view on life. Or at least trying to."

She looks at him and his sympathetic face and it hits her. He's the one going through heartbreak right now. "God, I'm so sorry. I'm making this all about me again. I guess I don't have a lot of people to talk to like this."

"You don't talk to Stark?"

She laughs. It's not a funny laugh or a total outburst. It's just one of those sarcastic, dry laughs. "I can't talk to him about you. I can't even talk to him about him."

"You know what's strange?" he asks. "This feels completely normal. Us, talking like this."

"I know."

Bucky places his hand on her cheek, softly stroking, and when he leans in to kiss her, she's not surprised, nor does she pull away. It's soft and familiar and she kisses him back, knowing it's the last time.

"Sorry. I had to get that out of my system."

"Trust me, I get it," she says, grabbing his hand and giving it a squeeze.

The inevitable goodbye looms over them. She doesn't want to say it, and maybe he doesn't want to either. But they both know this is it.

She lets go of his hand. "I should go. I slept through most of the flight but now I'm exhausted again. Pregnancy is such a magical time."

"You'll make a wonderful mother," he says.

"People keep saying that."

Smiling, Pearl gets up from his bed. The smile falters with her first step towards the exit and completely disappears with his next words.

"I'm happy for you."

She turns back. The sight of his face and the genuine expression on it creates a lump in her throat. "You're gonna make me cry again."

"I'm sorry. I didn't mean it like that. I just-" He pauses. "I think I'll be okay."

"I know that, Bucky."

"Because there's still a lot of good stuff left in the world. Like babies and love and happiness."

"I know you're making fun of me, but I'm choosing to ignore it," Pearl says.

"I'm honestly not. I saw a therapist right after my coma and he's very professional and highly educated. I think I'll see him again. But he's more of a sit and listen kind of guy as opposed to someone who always has something to say." Bucky grins. "And he's not really the type to show up to work drunk wearing a mini dress."

"He sounds boring."

"He is." Bucky gets up from the bed and extends out his hand. "Until next time?"

Pearl glances at his hand before wrapping him into a close hug. Closing her eyes tightly, she fights back the tears.

"Until next time."