Dear Joker Chapter 37: Questions 33 to 41, a batman begins/dark knight fanfic

QUESTIONS 33 - 41

i deCided to go to a parTy toniGht. A KeeeeeY paRty. The onE that CautIous carRie was atTenDing.

Yep. That one.

She tooK my adVice and maDe it into a coStume partY, where fuLL masKs were reQuired. I sAw a guY dressed liKe RicHard NiXon, a woman dreSSed like a meRmaid, a guy wHo was eiTher a gHost or a gIant sPerm, and lOts of other intEresting concoCtions. One of the gUys came dRessed in a SmuRf costuMe. I don't kNow what's remOteLy seXy about that, but maybE if i'D seen a sMurfeTTe, i wouLd have thouGht she wAs hoT.

I fiGured ouT which one wAs CarrIe, which wAs easY since i, you kNow, I sorta foLLowed her doWn the haLL from her coNdo to the eLeVator, uP to the peNthouse wHere the pArty actuaLLy was. I saW her faCe in the miRror of the elevAtoR beFore she puLLed her QueEn of sPadEs masK oveR her face. She's a littLe thing. maYbe 5'1", aBout a bucK ten. I couLd see how shE'd be worRied about draWing the kEy to match heR with the S.S. LardaSs.

Her huSband heLd her hand in the eLevaTor on the wAy uP. He was dResSed as the kinG of HeaRts. iT was sucH a pREciouS paiRing, i hAd to reFrain mYself from staBbing them tHere on the SpoT. tHey both saw me in the eLeVator, but said notHing becauSe of the atTendant who wAs theRe. I guess theY werE aLL blushY and embaRrasseD.

So, we aLL get theRe, right? I can insTantLY tell which woMan all the mEn are aVoiDing. She was dRessed liKe a VeGas shoWgirl. A 300+ pOund show girL. In fiShneTs. And hEeLs. TripLe-decker BiG Macs shouLdn't be stuFfed into the wRapPer of daInty Filet-o-fIsh, kids. I'm jus' saYin'.

I couLd hear an obNoXious bLowhard in the kiTChen, yucKing it uP and braGging aboUt the diVIdends in his pOrtfoLio, blah bLah blAh, obViousLY the hUsband of TwinkLEtoes the ElepHant.

So all the guYs throw their keYs in the bowL as the hosTEss (wHo's dreSseD up liKe CLeoPatra) waLks aRound to collecT the gooDs. She giVes me a cuRious looK, and is juSt piecing toGether that I didn't aRrive wIth a siGnificant othEr, when a woman dreSsed liKe a cowgirl decided to geT the party staRTed early.

So AnNie OakLey, who's clearLY drunk ofF her bRonco, bLindlY choOses a set of keys that pAirs her up with the SmuRf. sHe taKes off her mAsk and wE all seE the relieF in her face that she diDn't get The hUman Tub, but… hA ha, you stiLL haVe to boInk a cArtOon. sHould be a sMurfY eXperieNce.

cArriE was neXt. True tO her natUre, she cauTiousLy looKed into the bowL, to see what tHe keYs lOoked like... which is soRt of chEating, if yoU asK me, but I couLdn't reaLLy throW stones, becAuse i liKe to cheaT, too. i can sEe her eYes get big beHinD her maSk, as she stareS at what I kNew was MY keyChain.

(Heh hEh. yeah, doLL. i toLd you I'd coMe.)

But carriE just froZe. And that's when thIngs sort of… didN't go the waY i had hoPEd.

The, uh, VeGas showhoG got too imPatient and diDn't want to wAit her tuRn, probabLY becauSe she wAs too eAGer to get bOned by anYone who wasn't her husBAnd. So she eLbowed CarRie out of the waY, graBbed the bowL, and sQueaLed (aS hoGs are wOnT to do)…

aS she picKed uP the set of keYs.

mY keys.

She sTarts tWirLing them aRound her finGer, aNd as I watChed the liTTle black bAt go rOUnd and rouNd, she pOinted at me wiTh the sauSage finGers of her oTher haNd. "bE as rouGh as you NeEd, Bat-babY! i've bEen a bAd giRL!"

Oh yEah, dId I meNtion that i dreSsed up

... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... as the BatmAn?

Haaaaa ha haHa. Yeah. I eVen had reaL weapOns in mY beLT that no one reallY bothEred to looK at.

tHen she beLts out, "Hey, snooKums, it lOoks like your ARcH ENEmY gets to raVish mE for the eVEning! LooKs liKe you bOYs wiLL hAve to fiGht oVer me!"

sO i'm wonDering wHat her staTEment mEant... untiL her huSband comes out oF the kiTchen, and yeLLs, "watCh out, BaTman, 'cauSe no one touChes my babY but mE!"

aRe

You

fucKIng

kiDDinG mE?

He was dreSsed liKe… me.

not me, BatMan.

Me….ME.

a 380-poUnd

... ... ... ... ... ... ... ...iNfeRior

inSuLting

... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ...hiDeouS

cAricaTure veRsion

Me.

ME.

hE looKed liKe a bLoated gRape. I waSn't sure what ofFended me moRe: the grotesQue phYsicaL iMitation of yOurs truLy, or his assuMption that i wouLd eVer saY anyThing as suB-moRonic as what he'd SaiD.

i'm not reaLLy suRe what hapPEned after that eXactLy. I soRt of saW red. Then thIngs sorT of goT red. tHe cuShions and waLLs wound up witH somE red sPLatters on tHem. I wouLd have kniFed tHe bLoB in his cameL toe oN pRincipaL for the Visual afFront, but I wAs conCErned mY kniFe wOuld get loSt in some foLd of fat aNd i'd neVer get it bAck. pEople just kinDa waTched in stunNed siLence, as a BatmaN imPostOr stabBed a Joker impOstoR to dEath. i thinK theY thought it wAs an acT of some sort. yOu knOw, a jOke. Then I had to staB Ms. vEgas, for inSinuating that I'd wanT any paRt of her seX fantASy to fiGht her husBAnd for thE righTs to her beLUga hooha. (Uh, no thanKs.)

tHat's when peoPle realiZed it waSn't a joKe. moSt peoPLe staRted to sCream and rUn.

buT caRrie was stiLL froZen, so I leaPt oVer the couCh (betTer than baTman eVer could!), tooK off the cowL and scoLDed heR.

"Ya reaLLy should have piCked uP that baT kEy chaIn when you haD the chanCe, caRRie. Now i'm goiNg to have to giVe you a diFferent kiNd of ride than I had pLanNed."

I grabBed her by the hair, lAid a biG one on hEr mouTh (mwah!), and kNifed her riGht in the thRoat. i guess thEre's a chanCe she couLd liVe, buT i was too buSY kicKing the morbidLy obeSe corPse of the aSshoLe who dRessed liKe me tO see hoW she fAred.

And thEn I traipSed out the doOr.

I got to kiLL a feW people, wHich liGhtened mY mood a biT…

…but tHe idea that someone dAred dRess uP liKe me…

… maDe a mocKerY of me for kiCKs at a partY…

…weLL, let's JuSt saY I'm a biT

fEd uP

with some of the pErcePTions that GothaMites have of Me.

tHink i can be mocKed?

ThiNk yOu cAn romAnticiZe tHe danGer aWay?

dOn't

tHink

SoooooooOoo… im a litTLe tesTy.

And fiDgetY.

and i'Ve deCided to taKe it out on YOU.

I'Ve goNe through mY bag of maIL, and hand-seLEcted a feW letteRs thaT… well, don'T reaLLy ruB me the riGHt waY, giVen my cuRrent stAte of miNd. taKe a loOk at theSe nine leTters that I've reCEived, and sEE if you can gUess what the coMmon thRead is aMong themmmMm:

qUestioN 33:

Dear Mr. Rhiana,

You know what they say: 'There's a thin line between love and hate.' The line is always blurred, and therefore, I interpret your response to be a glorified love letter to me. And what better way to declare your undying passion for me than in this very public forum! You have not only publicly anointed me your girlfriend, but you have also waxed lyrical about all the special, treasured moments we shared together in Arkham. And I only wanted to know your beauty secrets so that I would look just like you. I'm even going to use daddy's credit cards to carve my face like yours, just in time for the wedding!

Your future wife,

Arahin

P.S-Jonny Crane wants to be your best man:)

QueStion 34:

Dear Mr. J,

I have a problem with you. You are insane, murderess, and just plain scarey.

My problem is...I am in love with you. There, I said it. I love you. Now, I

tend to love people that I know will never love me back, so, I just wanted to

share my issue.

Love,

Head-over-heels-for-Unreachable

QuesTiOn 35:

Dear Joker,

Any openings for a new henchgirl? I am so sick of the Bat (bat sounds like rat. Ratta tat ta tat) trying to sound like he's so good yet he wouldn't even give his true identity to save 5 people. I would love to take him down and make him finally go...batty. HaHaHaHeHeHaHa and i wouldn't care if you make me smile :) Pain don;t bother me.

~ Smiles

questIon 36:

Bonjour Monsieur Joker!

Here are a few things I would like to point out before we begin this

little...thingy...

-1. I love you.

-2. I think you are the sexiest thing to touch this planet since

Elmo...Haha, Tickle me Joker...that sounded naughty...

-3. I want some cereal...that was random...I am a random person. Its who I

AM! Leave BatBOOB alone!

So all joking aside, I have a friend who is acting like I don't exist. I have

cried at night alot because it feels like she doesnt care for me anymore. I

don't know what I did wrong.

Hugs and Kisses

Bunny Rina =D

QUEStioN 37:

Dear Pimping Joker,

You know you are popular with the girls right?

Everyone seem to thinK YOUR SEXY!

ITS SO BIZARRE.

Did you drug all of us in thinking you are sexy?

Or is your insanity a chick-magnet? (Not to mention those scars and war-paint and those tight-little socks)

DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA YOU ARE SUCH A CHICK-MAGNET?

Sincerely,

Pink Lemonade (Its what I'm drinking from now in case you happen to want to know.)

qUeStIoN 38:

Dear the most awesomest most amazing and most epic villian in the UNIVERSE,

What if you have fallen in love with someone who doesn't even know you exsist? *cough*YOU*cough*

And what if that someone, let's call him 'Bob', is a mass murdering guy with green hair, black eyes, and a really BIG grin that never seems to go away? My parents are confused as to why I love 'Bob' so much, they say he's a creep and that I should love someone who doesn't dress up and wears makeup. My family is concerned that I would do something insanely stupid, like going up to 'Bob' and saying/squealing "I LOVE YOU!" So what do you think I should do about this situation, the AWESOMEST most AMAZING and most EPIC person in the universe?

Sincerely,

Jennie

qUesTION 39:

Dear "Ms. Grace",

I am in love with someone I shoudn't be. This someone might wear clown makeup and blow things up frequently. He has greenish hair(hint hint) but I'm afraid he's gay. He has a thing for Batman. What does this mean? Is he gay? Should I move on? Why do the gaurds here keep staring at me? I HATE THIS PLACE! sorry, I did not did not did not mean to write in all caps. Not that I'm indecisive. If you know this guy( not that you're him) tell him I'm waiting at the Arkam Asylum. SHUT UP! that was to the guard, not you.

Crazy in Love

QueSTiOn 40:

Dear Clearly Insane Clown,

What is wrong with you?

Seriously what the freak is wrong with you?

And even more seriously DONT MESS WITH SCARECROW!

Or I will seriously beat the living crap out of you. And. I'm. Not. Joking.

And lastly you suck!

Sincerely,

InLoveWithScarecrow

questioN 41:

Dear Mistah J~

How do you like your pancakes? ;)

And are there any special requirements to work amongst your 'valiant' crew?

And how do you feel to be adored by so many women/girls?

Yours Sincerely,

Lisaa~

can yOu gueSs what theY aLL have in comMon?

... ... ... ... ... ... mmmmmMmmmmMMmmm?

theY aLL reallY pisSed me ofF.

They'Re all aBout to be inVoLved in a littLe

gaMe.

BeTWeen me

and

the BaTman.

... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... Ready... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... sET... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... !

-jOker

-4oC, 2011.12.26