In Too Deep

(Chapter Thirty Seven: Baby Steps)

Seven Days Later….

Olivia peered down at the tiny baby boy inside the incubator. Her hand fell to rest over the place where she once felt him kick inside her.

"He is so small," she whispered as Elliot slipped his arms around her and kissed her tear stained cheek.

"But he's healthy. The doctor said he is doing very well and is getting stronger every day."

"I am so sorry," she whispered softly as she knelt to get a closer look at her newborn son.

"You have nothing to be sorry for," Elliot said choking back tears of his own as he squeezed her hand in his.

"My one job was to protect him," she sobbed. "To keep him safe inside me until he was strong enough to come out into this world. But I didn't do it."

"Baby, sometimes these things happen. You did everything you could for yourself and for him. You ate healthy, your weight gain was healthy, you stayed active…."

"I got put on bed rest," she said cutting him off. "I should have known then that I wasn't doing something right. I should have slowed down and stayed off my feet more. I should have done whatever it took to make things safe for him."

"You did. You did everything that a mother is supposed to do when she is pregnant. And he is small, baby, but he will be just fine. He had a little jaundice at first, but they've got that under control now. All of those tests the doctors have ran have come out perfect. He is perfect."

"He isn't perfect, Elliot. If he was perfect he wouldn't even be born yet. If things were perfect he would be an eight pound baby, not four pounds. And if things were perfect, we would have been able to hold our son by now. They won't even let us hold him. When he was first born, they said it would be a couple of hours. It has been a week, I can't even hold my son and nurse him."

"He developed an infection. It wasn't safe to take him out of the incubator. But they gave him the antibiotics and the doctor said he is doing much better now. He still has trouble regulating his temperature, sweetheart. When they try to take him out his temperature drops too low. So for now, they have to feed him in there. But he is getting stronger by the moment. And soon he will be able to go home with us, honey, you'll see."

Elliot rubbed her shoulders and hugged her tight.

"I can't help but feel so guilty, El. Like there was something wrong with me or something more I could have done. It is so scary sitting here not knowing for sure what is going on with him. I am just so scared that…."

She paused as she stared at Elliot with tears in her eyes.

"That we could still lose him. Maybe there is something wrong with me. Something that caused me to miscarry before and kept me from carrying to term with Ryder. Maybe it is because there is something wrong with me that he is now laying here fighting for his life."

"Your doctor kept a close eye on you through the entire pregnancy. He didn't see any abnormalities at all. Sometimes babies are just born early and we don't really know why. Maybe Ryder just couldn't wait to meet his mommy and daddy any more," Elliot said with a smile trying his best to lighten her mood.

Olivia stared back up at him forcing a smile.

"I hope you're right," she sighed as she wiped the tears from her eyes. "This would all be so much easier if we could just hold him."

"Soon baby, soon."

That night, like the many that came before, Elliot and Olivia slept in rocking chairs next to the incubator that held their infant. Elliot opened his eyes several times during the night to see her with her hands pressed against the plastic, whispering to Ryder and sometimes softly singing him lullabies.

Elliot smiled as he gently kissed the top of her head. Olivia hadn't even been able to hold her son yet and already she was such a great mother.

"What are you doing, sweetheart?" Elliot asked softly.

"He was stirring. I wanted him to know that he wasn't alone. I didn't want him to be afraid."

Elliot smiled.

"You are such a good mommy."

"I want to be. All I want is for him to be healthy and to get out of here. I want to take him home and do everything I can do to help him grow and be strong."

"He will be. It just takes a little time."

It was early the next morning when Olivia opened her eyes to see the doctor and a couple of nurses examining the baby boy. She reached beside her and gripped the arm of her snoring husband. Elliot sat up in his chair and watched as the doctor removed the little mask that covered Ryder's eyes to protect them from the bright lights in the incubator.

"There you are little guy," the doctor said as the baby stirred and fussed a little.

"Is he okay?" Olivia asked choking back tears.

"He seems just fine. He has good coloring. And a good grip," he said with a smile as Ryder wrapped his tiny fist around the doctor's fingertip. "He seems to be regulating his temperature well and all signs of infection are gone. I think it is time we tried something a little different," he replied wrapping the baby tightly in a receiving blanket and pulling him from the incubator.

Olivia's eyes widened as she sat up in her chair cautiously watching over her baby boy.

"What are you doing? Shouldn't he stay in there?" she asked as the doctor walked slowly toward her.

"A little while won't hurt him. I think it is time for Ryder to meet his mommy and daddy," he replied shifting the baby and offering him to Olivia.

"Are you sure?" she asked in a worried tone. "What if he's not ready? I don't want to hurt him."

"You'll do just fine. He's a tough little guy."

"He's a Stabler," Elliot said with a smile.

One of the nurses pulled a privacy curtain closed around them as she followed the others out of the room.

"There now, that's better," the doctor said softly as he handed the tiny bundle to Olivia. "There you go," he whispered as the infant fussed a little.

Olivia patted him gently as she stared down at her son. Ryder opened his little eyes and stared up at her as be whimpered and cried a weak little cry.

"What's wrong with him?" she asked horrified she was doing something wrong.

"Not a thing," the doctor assured her. "He's just hungry. I'd really like to try to get him to nurse. We've been feeding him the breast milk you've pumped, but it is beneficial in strengthening the bond between mother and baby if we can get him to take to the breast."

"Okay," she agreed.

Elliot watched as the doctor assisted Olivia in positioning the baby. At first Ryder fussed and didn't want to latch on, but he soon gave in.

"Is this right?" she asked nervously.

"Perfect. I am going to give you guys a little time alone with your son. You should let him nurse as long as he wants to. I'll have a nurse com in and check on you guys after a little while. She can give you a few tips on burping him. It can be tricky with the little babies. If you need anything at all just press the call button and someone will be in here immediately."

"Okay," Olivia whispered as she drew a deep breath.

"Thank you doctor," Elliot said with a nod as the doctor disappeared behind the curtain.

"I am surprised he took so well to this," Olivia said softly as Elliot brushed his fingertip over his son's little cheek. "He knows his mommy."

"He is so beautiful."

"Yes he is. We make pretty good looking kids."

"Thank you," Olivia whispered softly as she kissed the top of Ryder's little head and smoothed her fingertip over his hair.

"For what, baby?"

"He is everything I have ever wanted. You have made all of my dreams come true."

Elliot smiled and kissed her tenderly.

"I am your husband, that's my job."

He stared down at their son in his mother's arms.

"He is the cutest baby in this entire hospital. And I am not just saying that because he's ours."

Olivia smiled.

"Yeah, well he has good genes. His daddy is sexy…."

"And his mommy is gorgeous," Elliot added cutting her off. "I guess it just makes since we'd have a good looking kid."

"He definitely looks like a Stabler. His hair is so light blonde you can barely see it. And he has his daddy's big blue eyes."

After a while the nurse came in and showed Olivia how to burp the fragile little baby. Elliot got his turn to hold his little boy and the proud papa carried his son around the room patting him gently and speaking soft words of praise to him. He walked Ryder over to the window and opened the blinds. He smiled as the little boy's eyes widened and he stared upward into the light.

"There's a big city out there," Elliot explained to his son, "and someday mommy and daddy will show you all of it. We'll go to museums and to the zoo. Daddy will even take you to see the Yankee's play. Yes, I will," he cooed softly as the baby grunted and stared at him.

Olivia couldn't help but smile. Elliot was the most amazing father she had ever known of and it was so nice to see him finally getting to bond with Ryder.

Soon the nurse returned to check the baby's temperature.

"He is doing very well. This is a really big day for him. He's probably going to need to get some rest soon."

"Do you need to put him back in the incubator?" Elliot asked.

"I could, or…." she paused for a moment and looked at Olivia, "or you could just hold him while he naps."

"Really?"

"Yeah, sit in the rocker and just hold him close to you. Skin to skin contact is really good for him," the woman explained as she helped Olivia nestle Ryder against her collar bone. "I will get you another blanket for him, we want to make sure to keep him nice and warm."

"I will," Olivia agreed.

Olivia held her son tight against her chest as she hummed softly and rocked him.

"I think he likes that," Elliot said with a smile as the infant seemed to fall right to sleep.

"Note to self," Olivia said looking up at her husband, "Ryder likes to be rocked."

"He is the most amazing baby," Elliot said.

"Yes, he is," she agreed.

"I overheard the doctor telling the nurses that if he continues to progress like this we should be able to take him home soon."

"It would be so nice, to finally have our baby boy at home with his family."

"That would be a holiday wish come true," Elliot replied as he kissed his wife.