A/N: Okay, couple of things. First, a little **3x01 "The Calm" spoiler** Obviously in my universe, Sara isn't dead. Clearly, she's in other chapters of this fic that take place long after the episode so… yeah, I like Sara so she stays. Second, I didn't know Digg and Lyla were having a girl, in this universe, they've got a little boy. Lastly, because I know everyone hates when these are long, the song is "Break the Cycle" by You+Me (P!nk, really?) and if you haven't heard it, check out the vid on YouTube. It's good. Anyhow, read on!
Never Stop
Circles and cycles and seasons, for everything there's always reason. But its never good, never turns out as it should. No one ever held you, no single moment of truth. But if you were mine, I would've looked into those eyes and said:
She hasn't seen him in three days. Three days she's been awake, a new companion at her bedside each time she opens her eyes, but it is never him. Not since that first day. She had opened her eyes and before her brain had even been able to register where she was, he'd confessed his love for her, professed it really, and then he'd cried his relief into her hair. But that had been three days prior and as she waits for John to return with the wheelchair so that she can finally go home, she forces herself not to think about him.
"Sara said that she'll stay with you for the next couple of days," Lyla tells her, bouncing AJ in her lap.
The baby squeals delightedly.
She doesn't respond to the other woman's words, simply nodding in acknowledgement without lifting her eyes from her hands.
She knows that she shouldn't be disappointed. She hadn't expected anything to change. More than once in the last year, she had listened to Oliver proclaim to love her. But for him, that love was not enough. He could not be with her because he believed that he could not be himself and the Arrow at the same time. He could not be the man and the hero. And he felt, whether she agreed or not, that she deserved to be loved by someone who could be of one mind.
They haven't talked about their relationship, or lack thereof, since the night that AJ was born. That evening at the hospital when he had ended things before they'd really even began, when he'd kissed her and asked her not to tell her that he didn't love her. That had been the one and only time that they'd had any sort of discussion. Because she knew that there was nothing to discuss.
Tell me the words you long to hear and I'll sing them loud and clear. Let me heal the wounds you've held on to for all the years. Break the cycle, break the chains, cause love is louder than all your pain. Than all your pain, than all your pain.
She lets John carry her into her home, not once protesting at the opportunity to curl into the muscular arms that cradle her so gently. He does not ask about the tears that well in her eyes as he lifts her from the car. He does not prod her to talk to him, to tell him what's wrong, because he doesn't have to. He has been with the two of them since the beginning. He has witnessed almost every aspect of their fleeting relationship and she knows that he knows that there is only one person in the world who could make her feel the way that she does.
When he eases her down onto her sofa, she tightens her arms around his neck and whispers a very strained thank you. His lips brush a soft kiss to her temple.
"Sara?"
The blonde assassin appears at the end of the hallway that leads to the bedrooms and she imagines that her friend is doing everything that she can to make this transition as smooth as possible. Because she has spent eight days in a hospital, five of which she has no recollection of, and now she is home with nothing to occupy her mind but thoughts of the man who continues to break her heart.
She thinks, briefly, that if she had any one super power, it would be the ability to shut out the rest of the world, to shut off her mind and float in a plain of nothingness. She is tired of thinking. Tired of wishing he would come to her and tell her again those three words that do nothing to heal the injury that he has inflicted on her heart. They are like rubbing salt in her wounds but she is a glutton for punishment because no matter how badly they make her ache, she longs to hear them.
"I'll take care of her," she hears Sara say softly, "She'll be okay."
It takes everything in her not to correct her friend, to tell her that she is okay. Because she can't lie to either of them. They can see her emotions written plain as day on her face. She is not okay. She doesn't know that she ever will be. Wanting something that she cannot have has left her broken.
Is it all truly broken? Irreparable mistakes? Let's take our time.
Barry arrives early on her second morning home, Caitlin and Cisco in tow. She is happy to see them, their presence in her townhouse making her smile for the first time since she'd woken up after nearly losing her life. They sit at her kitchen table and talk while drinking the coffee that Sara makes for them. Barry tells her about the criminals in Central City that they are working to catch, about the others who where effected by the storm created by Star Labs. She talks tech with Cisco, laughing when he tells her of some of the failed designs he's come up with over the years, and when the three of them leave hours later, she is starting to feel like herself again.
But then she is alone in her living room with Sara, the television playing an old episode of a show that she isn't really watching, and thoughts of him invade her mind again. Tears fill her eyes and slide uninvited down her cheeks. She hates him for doing this to her.
"Why am I waiting for him?" she whispers, loud enough for Sara to hear, "Why do I keep expecting him to show up here and tell me that he'll change? That I'm enough for him? How do I move on from this?"
Her friend slides closer, wrapping her arm carefully around her, and she rests her head on the assassin's shoulder. Her tears fall harder.
"This isn't me. I don't do this. I don't – I don't fall in love with people. Certainly not with the most unattainable person that I've ever met," she breathes.
Sara sighs, "He doesn't know how to be what you need, Felicity. He loves you, more than he has loved anyone, myself and my sister included. But that love scares him. He's so afraid of losing you, of hurting you, that he can't let himself have you. Ollie's an idiot when it comes to you because you are the one person in this world that he truly trusts. I know that he does."
She has to take a moment to catch her breath before she can speak again. Her shoulder is throbbing.
"It isn't enough. Trust and love, it should be, Sara, but for him it isn't enough. He keeps pushing me away," her words escape her in a choked sob.
She has never had this conversation aloud with anyone. Now that her thoughts have been aired, she cannot control the pain that rips through her and tears at her soul. She does not know how to put back together the man who continues to pull her apart.
Don't we have to try? Too many missing pieces. That's always been your reason to justify how you feel inside. I wish you'd say:
She is so startled when he crawls into her bed on the third night she's home that a scream echoes in her darkened bedroom. She cannot fight off an intruder with her injuries so when Oliver brushes his hand across her cheek and whispers her name, she sinks back into her pillow, relieved. But then her sleep-hazy mind wakes up enough to realize that he shouldn't be in her apartment, let alone her bed, and she pulls away from him as much as she can. He does not follow her across the space that she has left between them.
"Please turn on a light," she requests softly.
He does as she asks and for a long, uncomfortable moment, they simply lie there staring at one another. And then he speaks and she has to strain to hear him.
"I have made so many mistakes in my life. With Laurel and Sara. With my parents and Thea. I have hurt the people that I love, every single one of them. My mother is gone, my sister is God knows where. Tommy accused me of being a murder."
She remains silent. There is nothing for her to say. She knows all of these things about him and she has tried more than once to convince him that he is guilty of nothing. He cannot blame himself for everything.
"But the person that I have hurt more than anyone, the one person who I need in my life in order to live, is you. And God, Felicity, I'm so sorry."
His voice cracks, thick with emotion, and she is not surprised that there are tears in her eyes again. The last time that they had a conversation like this, he had been telling her that he would never be able to be with her. She doesn't know where he is going, but she is prepared for him to tell her again that nothing will ever come of the love that they share.
Tell me the words you long to hear and I'll sing them loud and clear. Let me heal the wounds you've held on to for all the years. Break the cycle, break the chains, love is louder than all your pain. Than all your pain, than all your pain.
"I can't keep doing this. I won't watch you walk out of my life, not without trying my damndest to keep you here. I've fucked this all up. I thought that I could watch you move on. I thought that, if you did, I could let go. But you didn't move on. You didn't go with Barry even though I know he wanted you to, even though he would've been good to you. And you didn't go to Ray. You stayed with me, in the foundry and in my heart and, Felicity, I can't let you go."
There is a conviction in his voice, a tone that she has never heard from him before, but she isn't sure what it all means.
"I tried," she mutters, "To leave. I – I thought about it. Barry… Central City could've been a good fit for me. But every time I even thought of leaving, I told myself that I had to wait a little while longer. That maybe if I gave you a little more time…"
He moves then, carefully, slowly, and lifts his hand to her cheek. His thumb catches a tear.
"I should've never pushed you away. I should have realized a long time ago that you didn't expect me to be anyone other than myself. You are the only person who has ever accepted every part of me, no questions asked. I can't possibly give you everything that you need but I will gladly give you everything that I have. Please, Felicity, let me love you. I need you."
Fresh tears dampen her cheeks. Her life could have ended less than a week ago. She could have died on the floor of that bank and she never would've known the relief that his words bring. She has reservations. There are so many other things that they'll need to discuss. But he's willingly to try and, for now, that is what she needs.
"Okay."
Tell me the words you long to hear and I'll sing them loud and clear. Let me heal the wounds you've held on to for all the years. Break the cycle, break the chains, love is louder than all your pain. Than all your pain, than all your pain.