Next Chapter!

Chapter 36

They showed the Gardiners and Jane to a fine pair of guest rooms on the same side of the house where Elizabeth was quartered. Jane bathed and changed, and an hour later she knocked, hair wet from the bath, and called out to Elizabeth who had accompanied her sister to her rooms, "Lizzy, may I use your brush? I left mine at Longbourn, and while Mrs. Gardiner is most kind, she and Mr. Gardiner are… recovering, and I do not wish to disturb them."

Elizabeth chuckled. Her aunt and uncle's ardor for each other outpaced their years. "Come," Elizabeth said, taking her sister's hand and leading her down the hallway, feeling more like a child sneaking about a secret castle than an employed governess showing her sister through her charge's home. It had been very kind of Mrs. Darcy to take charge of Rose for the afternoon. Elizabeth had missed Jane so, it felt urgent to hold her hand and be certain she was still alive and not a figment of Elizabeth's active imagination.

Looking over Elizabeth's room, Jane remarked on the pattern of the silk wallcoverings. Without prompting, she went to Elizabeth's nightstand and opened the top drawer where Elizabeth stored her brushes and hairpins at home.

"Wait!" Too late, Elizabeth remembered the letters she had written Jane and hidden there.

Jane said, "You addressed these to me."

"I could not send them. Mama, you understand. I wrote some weeks if not months ago. You cannot credit the same emotions or… it is better to ignore them."

"What happened?" Jane said, taking the brush and the stack of letters. She sat on Elizabeth's bed, and angling her head so it did not drip on the letters, brushed her fair tresses. "You used to tell me everything. Now, you run off to Derbyshire, take work on a grand estate, and never mention a word of it. What happened between us?"

Elizabeth's eyes stung. "I am so sorry," she said. "I did not wish to hurt you, or anyone. I only—it seems so stupid now. Elizabeth sat at the opposite end of the bed and drew her legs up beneath her. "You know I wished to marry for love."

"How do you think I found the strength to endure after Mr. Bingley cast me aside? There were others in Town with wealth to allow me entrance to what one might call the highest societies, but I felt no draw. Nothing was as I felt for Mr. Bingley. And though I thought Mr. Bingley immune to my affections, I could not allow myself less than the same feeling. You were always so brave, never letting outside pressures to keep you from pursuing your dream. I could not accept less from myself."

Jane, inspired by her?

Elizabeth wiped tears on her mitts with fisted hands. "Read the letters. I fear whatever inspiration I gave was not of my own wisdom but the grace of God

"What happened?"

"I kissed him."

"Mr. Darcy!"

"And he betrayed you." It would be easier if Jane read the letters. Perhaps speaking the words out loud was another penance. "Mr. Darcy convinced Mr. Bingley your affections for him were not sincere. I had thought it was Miss Bingley, but I found out, after, it was him."

Jane took a breath. "That must have been what Mr. Bingley meant, when he said he had been mistaken. He mentioned he had received a letter and…"

"My protestations of only marrying for love have come to nothing. I've shared my affections and risked my virtue for someone who does not value me and who endangered you. I am a fool."

"You have not married him yet," Jane said, her lips twitching.

"You are managing this better than I expected." Elizabeth would have preferred Jane's rage. Not that Jane was the sort for raging. She could have at least spared a harsh word.

Jane asked, "How did you learn of Mr. Darcy's interference?"

"We were riding."

"You loathe riding."

"Mr. Darcy asked Rose, and Rose begged me, and so I went. I was so afraid. My horse, the slowest and laziest in the Darcy stable, became more interested in nibbling upon the grasses then going anywhere, and I was content to stay in place, but Mr. Darcy came and… Oh! He was lovely! Mr. Darcy could have made me feel poorly for my lack of courage, but he was kind. He had been thrown before as a boy, and a return to the saddle terrified him.

"I cannot believe he would admit such a weakness. He is so prideful, sometimes. After that, he ruined everything. He said Mr. Bingley was often infatuated and that he had warned Mr. Bingley you were not interested in him but only his wealth. As though Mr. Darcy had the right to assume any such thing! I have never been more furious. I set him right on the subject, with force."

Jane said, "I suppose many women have tried to win Mr. Darcy's affection to secure his fortune."

Elizabeth shrugged. "Mama was, until he insulted me. Insulted all of us so terribly."

"One cannot fault Mr. Darcy for trying to protect his friend then."

"Jane, you are too kind! How many months of heartache did he inflict on you by putting himself where he did not belong? You may forgive him, but how can I?"

"I think Mr. Darcy wrote to Mr. Bingley of his mistake, and Mr. Bingley, trusting his friend's good judgment and his own affections, returned."

"But why? It had been many months, and Mr. Darcy could not know if Mr. Bingley still held any affection for you. Or you for him. Mr. Darcy has too much pride to risk looking the fool for a 'might have been'."

"Maybe he did not do it for Mr. Bingley. Perhaps Mr. Darcy did it for you."

"Me?"

"Mr. Darcy does not treat you like a servant. And he kissed you."

"After we kissed, he insisted we never speak of it. And then later, I was restless, walking about. This house is so large, one can walk awhile even at night. Our paths crossed, and Mr. Darcy asked me for a dance at Mrs. Darcy's ball. But Jane, he is also so often cold. He said he was fond of me once. He claims to trust me." Elizabeth shook her head. "It is all confusing."

"Do you love him?"

"I cannot."

"You certainly can. Love is not something we control. It is a feeling. A compulsion. A sickness and a joy. I cannot claim to understand it."

"Mr. Darcy does not love me."

"That is not what I asked."

Elizabeth looked down at her hands. Her curls brushed her cheeks as she tried to pretend she did not know the answer. "I wish to marry for love," Elizabeth said. "But he is too much above me and too aware of our differences. Even if I loved him, it makes little difference. Except I must suffer to see him in the arms of another, more accomplished, more suitable lady. If I loved him then, it would break my heart."

"Oh Lizzy!" Jane held out her arms, and Elizabeth curled up at her side, the letters crinkling beneath their weight. Jane stroked Elizabeth's hair. "It cannot be so terrible. Love can feel like a knife pressing pain to your chest and guts, but in the end, it will come out right.

"You cannot promise such things."

"I can, because you are my sister, and I love you."

Elizabeth let herself rest in her sister's embrace. For a few moments, Jane could carry the burden.

"You must speak with him," Jane said. "Find out if he returns your affections. If he does not, I will take you home with me. And we, together, will find a man who returns your affections tenfold."

XYXYXYX

Thank you for reading! We are within two chapters of the conclusion! Love. Revelations. Happy endings!

Next chapter tomorrow :)

V